I’ve talked about it before a light metaphor (their lights dimming and them sharing light with each other and passing it back and forth), but they’d both been drowning.
Nol forced himself to YG her out of the water and had to continue keeping his head just above water to do so. But he did bring her out of that pool. Dragged her out of that water to help her feel okay again. As much as she kept him ever so slightly above water though, he was still drowning. But little by little she made him want to come up too
The next step is for them both to come up above that water with each other. Two people who felt like they were drowning, pushing and pulling back and forth, learning to swim together
You know, this post was deleted from the drafts and I thought that maybe it’s not without reason and that it’s not worth posting at all, BUT I HAVE TO SHARE IT OR I WILL GO CRAZY. The most farfetched thing ever:
In the new chapter, we don't see Shin-Ae's heart. Instead, it's darkness. At first I thought that this symbolizes "she does not understand what is happening, therefore we do not know what is happening with the heart either. Mystery. "
Then I read a couple of comments about Nolan stealing more than just a bandanna. And then I thought about this:
Nolan didn't steal Shin-Ae's heart. She herself voluntarily gave it to him. And I think this happened at this moment:
Before giving him a gift (one is specifically in the middle of his chest), she firstly holds this BLACK MYSTIC BACKPACK, also at chest level, but HERS
She didn't even look when she gifted stuff. At first she thought that the gift she wanted to give was nothing special. And even said
But do you know WHICH GIFT IS ONE OF THE MOST VALUED IN THE HOSPITALS? ORGANS!! (It's actually life (but Nessa gave it to him) and also blood (but you know, Rand))
SO in this case it's a heart. One of the coolest presets if you ask me.
And maybe that's why Nolan is so angry (he has enough reasons, but this +1). Well, you know ... "you gave me your heart and you don't even realize it. Who gives gifts without even looking at all?. Make sure you understand what's going on and what have you done."
And "convince me" as well.
Soooo that's all... thank you for reading and please don't take that seriously.
[Kawaki's mental instability and Boruto's responsibility]
1- The line Kawaki crossed.
Something always comes up during Kawaki character-related discussions, which is the implication of Kawaki becoming "crazy" due to his attachment to Naruto.
It was first introduced by Amado, who claimed Kawaki's love for Naruto is veering on madness. In case he meant to describe Kawaki's unhealthily obsession in an over-exaggerated manner, it fits but not really.
Amado was wrong, mostly projecting his own craziness about his daughter on Kawaki. After all, someone who abandons his daughter's needed treatment because he could recreate her is not a sane person to begin with.
Let's take Kawaki back prior to Momoshiki's third takeover.
He was exactly in the same situation he is in now but worse: Code was out there vengeful same as now, Boruto was a real threat who'd turn into an Otsutsuki soon and on top of that nobody had any powers to stop either of them.
On a light note, Kawaki was clinically depressed, anxious to say the least. He suffered a mental setback as a result; nightmares, mode swings, compulsive self-deprecating.. Etc.
Yet, not once, not in a single fleeting panel, not even in his thoughts he considered the idea of Boruto dying for the purpose of getting ride of Momoshiki.
The opposite, he was afraid for him. He didn't want Boruto to die enough to suggest implanting Karma (the thing he hates most) on Code to save him (which also served as a way to protect Naruto but it was for Boruto's sake mostly).
When it came down to fighting Code, he couldn't take the risk. He believed Boruto would die and asked him to leave the battle-field asap even though Boruto dying to Code is one threat down.
Boruto was always a threat, Kawaki knew it. He fought Momoshiki before and cautioned Boruto about it to his face but he didn't and couldn't acknowledge the implication of what that means.
Boruto being a threat was a reality Kawaki didn't want to face, much like his need for Karma.
When Momoshiki took over at the end of Isshiki's arc, Kawaki couldn't accept Boruto was gone even when he actually was at that time.
He kept full high on denial unlike Sasuke and Naruto, he'd look at Momoshiki and see Boruto solely in there.
They were separate entities in his head until Code's battle forced him to accept the bitter truth.
Shikamaru made a point of Kawaki not hesitating to kill a comrade, which he saw as an issue born from his unhealthy obsession with Naruto, that it made him mentally unstable.
He is not completely wrong, Kawaki's fear of losing Naruto is so strong, it triggers panic attacks and emotional breakdowns. But that didn't drive him crazy, it drove him to be self-sacrificial.
Before the Code battle, Naruto basically showered him with affection and assurances but Kawaki's conclusion wasn't to get Karma back & kill Boruto/Code to keep Naruto safe.
His answer was to kill himself so they could all live.
The point I'm making; Kawaki's mental instability/madness wasn't born out of Kawaki's attachment to Naruto itself. He didn't go around promising death on anyone who might or will be a threat to Naruto regardless of how much he himself loves them.
What really drove him crazy was this:
狂ってなきゃできねえんだよ兄弟殺しなんてよ
Kuruttenakya dekinē nda yo kyōdai koroshi nante yo
Viz screwed up the line. It's whole meaning was lost.
Quick JP lesson:
Kurutte : Going/becoming crazy/mad.
nakya: Have to.
dekinē nda yo: Can't/unable to.
kyōdai koroshi: killing a brother.
nante: Something like/ such as.
The "yo" is just for emphasizes.
So the full line will be "[You/I] have to go crazy or [you/I] won't be able to do it. Something like killing [your/my] brother."
Why Japanese don't have pronounces?
Kawaki is a very self-aware person. He sat there and shamelessly admitted the most embarrassing things about how he sees himself and what Naruto is to him, but what he associated with craziness- what he had to force himself to go crazy for; wasn't Naruto.
It was killing his Brother.
Experts say there had been cases where patients ended up being clinically crazy or depressed because they forced themselves to pretend to be those things.
Under the dire circumstances, Kawaki was forced to instantly accept Boruto needs to die.
He didn't process this decision, unlike Naruto/Shikamaru, he wasn't on the sidelines.
He had a split second to decide, and another to act on it.
The hesitation Shikamaru searched for in Kawaki's demeanor when he killed Boruto wasn't there because he didn't process his emotions, he gave priority to understanding the stakes.
"It's a do or die now"
And the opposite of processing your emotions, is shutting them out.
If Kawaki didn't stomp on his emotions, he wouldn't have been able to do it.
He didn't have the luxury to in fact, as nobody else there would've taken the burden.
So he took this responsibility upon himself, willingly sacrificing his sanity to succeed.
In other words, killing Boruto was like crossing a line.
Boruto got to come back from it, mentally unscathed, Kawaki didn't.
2- The burden of being Boruto's brother, Kawaki's responsibility.
For all Boruto's gifts, emotional intelligence wasn't one of those.
From the very first arc of the manga up until his resolution in ch80, Boruto suffered a consistent flaw of misjudging people based on his personal impression of them. He doesn't strive to get a better understanding of someone.
If he forms an idea of somebody, he doesn't budge unti he's forced to.
Examples:
Believing Naruto was a useless good for nothing despite everybody's attempt to make him understand.
Painting Tento as an insufferable brat without realizing how much they had in common.
Assuming a stranger like Ao was a good man based on 1 conversation, little did he know..
Defined Kawaki's whole existence based on his first impression of him (more on this later).
What I get from this is Boruto loves to be certain and right. He hates being in the gray area where he doesn't know what he thinks of someone or what his thoughts are about something.
He hates doubt, unsureness.
It's a flaw that he isn't very self-aware of:
His first impression of Kawaki is based on an incident he wasn't present when it happened so he had little to no proof yet he was quick to point fingers and fill in the blanks about this new person he just met.
Ripped off a very long Kawaki analysis that never saw the light;
During the first few days the author depicted how estranged and alienated Kawaki was from everyone else on both social and emotional level. This was first shown in the famous vase scene when he broke it accidentally, creating a dispute between him and Boruto.
The narrative purpose of this sub plot is to parallel Kawaki, a self-estranged person, with Boruto who grew up normally and healthily which allowed him to learn and be capable of engaging emotionally with other people and his own feelings.
Contrasting Kawaki’s disengaged state, who knew what he did to Hima’s vase was a mistake as a matter-of-fact but didn’t really connect with Hima’s sadness or get why it was even important, making his apology come of as shallow and diminishing.
Boruto on the other hand didn’t catch on Kawaki’s detachment state and thought he was being intentionally uncaring.
Boruto adoration of Kawaki came as one of those moments where Boruto stands corrected. Except this time Boruto has messed up pretty bad, almost getting his sister killed if it wasn't for Kawaki.
This was the beginning of Boruto's growing dependence on Kawaki. It's not far-fetched to claim their relationship is mostly carried by guilt and reliance on Boruto's part.
Kawaki always came in a clutch for him, be it saving Himawari, saving Naruto & Sasuke, or saving Naruto later on. Boruto (& Momoshiki) would've killed or caused the death of plenty of people many times otherwise.
As a result he developed a sense of dependence and thought he could do anything so long Kawaki was by his side which Kawaki didn't reciprocate.
In Japanese he basically said "Hurry up and be independent, you mf"
There's always this wedge between them, because Boruto never knew true despair or what being unsafe feels like. All these incidents were mere "big missions" to him, it's how he navigates his path as a Shinobi.
But for Kawaki, it was about survival. For he knew what irreversible damage is, the things he can't take back, things that can't be repaired.
He doesn't feel safe and motived just because somebody he cares about is around. Be it Naruto or Boruto, not when they are as powerless as he is.
The only reason Kawaki felt safe enough to actually start mentally healing after Delta's fight, was because he thought Naruto could take care of Jigen.
Boruto doesn't understand that. What he views as a "big victory over Momoshiki", the dying part he didn't care about because he was "prepared", it broke Kawaki.
And he let him do it, asked him to, in fact. Then tried to paint it as a proof of their brotherhood, the highlight of their bond as it's so strong and special, he can even ask Kawaki to kill him, you see?
That, "he did it cuz we are bros".
Boruto couldn't be more wrong.
It wasn't about him. Kawaki would've killed anybody who threatens Naruto's life, that person being his brother merely drove him unhinged.
Boruto thought they were in this together, that part was correct at first. Kawaki kept his promise to him and took the burden of fulfilling it.
Sacrificing his sanity, his life in the village and his relationship with Naruto.
None of those consequences crossed Boruto's mind. He's comfortable knowing Kawaki or Sasuke would deal with Momoshiki if he came out, all he has to do is die which is not a big deal for him as he sees honor in Shinobi death.
Kawaki shouldn't have been "the only person he could ask him to do it" but the last one, if Boruto understood what being in Kawaki's place means.
3- The burden of being Kawaki's brother, Boruto's responsibility.
Of all the people Boruto misjudged, Kawaki remained the only one Boruto couldn't get a grasp of. Even when he comes so close to figuring him out, there is always something missing; Experience.
For instance, he understands Naruto means a lot to Kawaki but never why. Therefore he can't comprehend the actions Kawaki takes to keep him safe.
He doesn't know what it feels like living years of nothingness, then someone gives something to you.
Same goes for Kawaki's self-blaming, self-destructive behavior.
Regardless, Boruto spared no effort to help Kawaki.
It was him who compromised first to begin with, claiming him as a brother without expecting Kawaki to change himself, or have anything in return.
He made a promise to him to help him defeat his abuser.
He gave him his headband to make him feel included and one of them.
Having a loved one who suffers from mental disorders is a burden, you always have to put extra effort you put in dealing with a healthy person.
Boruto never gave up on him even when Kawaki stepped out of line during the training scene, or trying to sacrifice himself despite how Naruto would feel about it.
He stuck to his side and didn't budge.
But he was unable to see the world from Kawaki's perspective which created a disconnection between how they feel about that incident.
Boruto seemed to go about his life, naive enough to believe it changed nothing.
For Kawaki, his mental stability took a great hit- at some point he even forgot what he was supposed to do; protect Naruto and the village via his Otsutsuki acquired powers because they'd have an early death otherwise. Yet he imposed that fate on Sarada with his own hand.
A visualized proof of Shikamaru's warning to Sarada before she disobeyed him and left, that Kawaki was basically crazy at the moment.
He couldn't think straight, operating solely on what he deemed "facts" rather than how he felt.
His breakdown in front of Eida showcased a great deal of emotional blockage.
An emotional blockage is activated in certain situations to cushion the impact of a negative situation or event that can be very painful for us.
His thought process devolved from facts, to bargaining to an emotional blow.
Despite his resolve to protect Naruto at all costs - including killing Boruto - he never came in terms with Boruto's death up until after Omnipotence.
Boruto's responsibility:
From his point of view, he was the one who cornered Kawaki to cross all lines.
In a way, he was.
Boruto himself didn't commit any wrongdoings, he is not to blame for Momoshiki's rampages but he is the carrier, even though he didn't choose to be.
But realistically, if you were carrying a certain illness that potentially could destroy everyone around you but you adamantly chose to live, wouldn't you be responsible if somebody got hurt because of that?
Boruto reached two realizations in ch80.
1- He lost his brother who in turn lost himself as well, because he was too weak and dependant on him. He threw the burden of dealing with Momoshiki on Kawaki, allowing him to be a brother killer which drove Kawaki insane.
It was too much to ask, after all it's Kawaki who's going to have to kill/stop him again in the future which Boruto realized it was meant to happen if he didn't do something.
Despite Boruto's initial confidence of being in control, Momoshiki took over anyways and he almost lost to him completely if Sasuke didn't save him.
It was like a reality-check for him.
2- If he wants to live, he needs to deal with his own problem. Get stronger and rectify things himself for a change. Otherwise he could just die and end it all, or continue to burden Kawaki and the others which did nobody any good.
From the angle Boruto sees this whole situation, he lost nothing except Kawaki.
So the cheerful mindset that always naively over-simplified dire situations as big missions, refuses to see the current situation as anything but a setback.
Because he experienced loss this time, his brother, and he couldn't accept that.
Wanna know something that feels insane? I went to go reread 151 for yknow, reasons, lmao and I noticed it came out September 30, 2021.
/2021/!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IT'S BEEN 2 YEARS SINCE THAT EPISODE DROPPED?! NO WONDER WE CAN'T BE NORMAL ABOUT ANYTHING!!!!! NO WONDER WE'RE ALL AS FERAL AS SHINAE AND CLIMBING WALLS AND CHEWING THROUGH OUR KEYBOARDS. I can't get my head around this lmao TWO WHOLE YEARS?! What the HECK?! This has been WILD!!!!!!!
Anyway, I kind of wish you guys could have seen me immediately after reading this episode because I swear it felt like I went through the five stages of like, grief or something, for reasons I'll get to lmao like, my friends and i live blog at each other as we read and it was just a wall of screaming cat emotes sent over and over and DREAD and STRESS and some kind of dramatic chaos and calamity before we got it out of our systems and were like "okay i can be normal* about this now
*as normal as possible all things considered lmao
Anyway. AN EPISODE AIN'T IT? Let's go
I had fantasized a lot about how I waned Dieter and Nol's conversation to go, and as always, I was not entirely on the mark. That's why I'm not the one writing ILY XD But regardless, I love what we got, and we got things that I did NOT expect at all!
There's something about how it starts off with that sort of.... "we're pretending everything is normal and that you didn't totally oversee me making moves on the girl you like while i thought you were sleeping and you don't even know why I came back after blocking all of you let's definitely make visitation plans" that is so funny to me, even though that's absolutely how I expected it to go. Dieter is the master of playing it cool, much to his own detriment, but it works in this case, because Nol is so very like a feral cat, isn't he?
I'm actually really glad that we touched on the topic of visitation because I was SO CERTAIN Nol wouldn't want them to visit him, wouldn't want to be seen like that, wouldn't want to be reminded of their lives going on while he's stuck behind bars for a crime he didn't commit. And Dieter is not that subtle with the way he goes down the list of the potential visitors Nol can have - not that there's, yknow.... many..... lol but we all know what he's getting at, carefully hedging the important matters at hand. "It would make you happy if she visited you, too... right?"
Something so funny about my agitation at the end of this episode was that I so badly wanted to comment on how Nol's reaction to Dieter winning the game reminded me SO MUCH of the expressions Shinae makes lol I don't know if that's just a result of quimchee's artstyle or just one of those many things they have in common, but it makes me laugh a lot.
Dieter possesses a rather straight forward nature that I'm so envious of. I'm the kind of person who struggles to bring up things that I need to talk to friends about, too burned by past experiences that didn't go well that I still get worried that addressing important topics with my friends will go south even though I know better, so I beat around the bush, I hem and haw. But Dieter is SO direct with Nol, even as Nol tries to deflect, even as he attempts to bush it off. It's so admirable! Especially while Nol is being.... well. Nol lmao
I CANNOT believe that he really went nine-year-old on the playground being accused of liking a girl like. He LITERALLY went BLEH why would I even HURL alkfjkafjafjkafkjafjk MY GUY?! ALKFKAFJAKFKAJFKJ?1 He is akjffakfj a MENACE truly related to Nana!!!!!!!!!
I think this must be the most open and honest Nol has ever been with Dieter. When you think about it, Dieter really is the one friend who has been the most "on the outside" of Nol's life, he has only known Yeonggi, and it wasn't for malicious reasons. That's all the stuff Nol dislikes about his life, that he tries to neatly compartmentalize. Up until recently, he was able to do so. Kousuke was off his back, he was more or less free. Everything changed when Rand went out of country and Kousuke had Nol helping out at the office. Dieter had no reason to really know much more about Kousuke and Nol's relationship because Soushi joining their group meant Kousuke wasn't around as often, and we saw that they both were able to thrive (as well as possible) outside of the way of each other.
So for Nol to open up enough to tell him that he doesn't really make friends, despite how it looks. That most people don't really seem to like him, that he doesn't like his peers or his family, that they are really the only people he has let into his life is big. There's so much Dieter still doesn't know about him, but baby steps. You can't just dump all of that, even if he was ready to.
And in him saying this, to some degree I understand. After all, all this while Nol wasn't even aware of those feelings, of what she meant. I think there were moments - like at the formal when he made her laugh - but it wasn't anything like when he had his head rest upon her shoulder, feeling at peace despite his injuries, feeling calm despite the location, feeling like he could fall asleep and learned that it had nothing to do with medication that made him realize it. So on the one hand I DO get his logic, because what if he IS misplacing this feeling, what if he IS wrong, what if he's making something out of nothing?
But I'm sure on another level he knows better, because he knows what Dieter saw, because he was acting on what he felt.
I think Nol has never had feelings for anyone, because he has nothing to compare this to. He said he "tried to make it work" with Alyssa, but there's a sense that he was never actually into her, that there weren't actually any feelings there and they never grew as time went on. And now that he feels these unfamiliar things for Shinae, how is he to know?
What's really funny is that this is the same tactic as Shinae, but in reverse. When she told him we're all friends and he adamantly told her no, because he knows better, because it wasn't platonic, because their kind of friend is so different from how she's friends with Dieter. And even though he's the one who knows his feeling and suspects hers, he still tries the same logic she used: that anyone else could be in her position and maybe he'd still feel the same, that maybe it's just because he's so starved for kindness that he's responding to that.
Again, we know better, but it's so funny to me that she literally tried to use the logic that all friendships are different but also she could put anyone else in his place and it would be the same.
Please. I need them to stop kidding themselves lmaoooooo
For Nol's sake, though, he needs it to be a thing that will pass, because in his mind not only does he endanger Shinae by caring about her, but he also betrays his friend, only further hurts him, and given that Nol's whole deal is that he tries to rebalance the bad he brings into the world by making up for it with good, he's really doing a terrible job.
Unfortunately for Nol, feelings don't work like that and logic can't control them. He can tell himself it might be a thing that can pass, that it might be something that he'd get over, but that doesn't change Shinae's feelings, and the fact that she clearly likes him, not Dieter. It would be so much easier for Nol if Dieter actually treated it like a betrayal, if he was mad at him, if he felt like Nol had wronged him. He wants him to be angry, because he can at least use Dieter's anger and pain as a reason to step back, because god knows Nol himself does not have the will power to do it on his own. If he can say "Acting on my feelings is hurting my friendship with Dieter" he could have a concrete reason to ignore them, because it's not worth losing his friendship.
But that's not who Dieter is. He isn't giving him that kind of excuse.
We can see, too, just how important those friendships are to Nol, that hurting Dieter would be reason enough to drop his feelings! Because these are the only friends he has. The only people who have made him feel like he has value. Made him feel not like nothing but something. A somebody. Special. That's not something worth throwing away, which is ironically what gets him into this problem. These people made him feel special, and he came to care about them as they care about him, and in his mind this has endangered them all, and it's more than enough reason to hold them at arms' length, to smother his feelings and hope they'll die out like cold embers, hope that if he doesn't fans the flames or add new wood, it will go cold.
I really feel for Dieter having this conversation because honestly, it can't be easy. Even though he's holding himself together, we know that it still hurts. His expression with his eyes closed when he mentions how he's seen the way Shinae cries for him... agonizing! He's seen it multiple times now! He's always the one who picks up her pieces and gives her comfort, even though it hurts him to do, even though he knows why she's crying. It wasn't just what he saw that morning when they thought he was asleep - he's been watching this all along, from the beginning, always consciously comparing himself to the people in her life and how she interacts with them. Even as a friend, he doesn't have what she has with Minhyuk or Nol. Dieter knew all along what he was getting into, knew all along the way they interact, the way they gravitate towards each other, and he couldn't help but hope he might have that, too. That with enough time they could be like that. All this morning did was show him that he was never going to have that with her, that he never really stood a chance. ;~; But he tried! It's more than Nol can say right now....
Nol's agitation is such a BIG deal! Again, Dieter has never really known Nol. Yeonggi wasn't like this! Yeonggi didn't have this energy, that feral cat energy, that edge! His shock in response to how Nol responds shows that much - because to him this isn't a big deal, if he likes her then he likes her and he just wanted Nol to know that he won't hold it against him. But there is just so much Dieter doesn't know! He can't understand at this point why Nol is so emotional about it, why he seems so agitated and upset, why he's insisting it will never happen. Seeing those emotions on his face!!! The way Dieter goes from startled to defensive to concerned.
"If you don't like seeing her hurt, it's in your best interest to keep her away from me."
That sounds so threatening! He's the only one who is hurting Shinae, what Nol is saying can't possibly make any sense to Dieter.
He doesn't know about the formal.
He doesn't know about Shinae getting tricked by Yui, how she was coerced to attend that harrowing formal in order to protect someone who it turned out didn't need protecting.
He doesn't know about the fall from the pool and how she hit her head and was in the hospital when she should have been at home getting a good night's sleep the night before her college entrance exams.
He doesn't know about the contract she's locked into.
About the roofies, about Sangchul.
About how Shinae could have been assaulted, or how she could have died.
This is the most honest Nol has probably ever been with Dieter, with anyone but Shinae at this point, frankly, and unfortunately Dieter doesn't know anything, can't understand, but what he can see is that Nol means it. The fear on his face! He looks so childlike in how distressed and afraid he is!
When we really think about it, in Nol's eyes, it is about him. That he is a blight, a mistake who was never supposed to exist. That what happened to his mom was because of him, because he exists. Because he didn't treat her well. What happened to Shinae is because he took interest in her, because she meant something to him, and that wasn't acceptable. He believes harm comes to those he cares about, but in his view that's the extent of it. It's not that Yui is a monster, it's that she's a monster to him.
He doesn't have our objective knowledge. He doesn't know that Kousuke has been drugged and manipulated his whole life, that she drove that wedge between him and his father. He doesn't know that Yui invited Shinae to Kousuke's apartment and treated her inappropriately, tried to undress her, put her in Kousuke's clothes. Does he even really understand how Shinae wound up at the formal? That it wasn't about him at all - that Shinae was convinced Kousuke did something wrong by giving her a job she didn't deserve, that she had to attend the formal to "protect his job".
So to him, it's just because it's him. Because he cares. Because he is a mistake and doesn't deserve any of this, and that they are punished for him not knowing his place. His worries extend to Dieter and Soushi as well, because they are also people he cares about, and maybe the universe will harm them, too, to remind him of his place.
He doesn't know what he has to protect them from, just that he must.
One of these days, we are going to get flashbacks of what happened when Nol was taken away to Hirahara Memorial, and I'm not ready. The way he looks so small and childlike sitting there in his bed with all of his fear and distress, all of these feelings so knotted up inside. What did they do to him when he was in there? What did they say to him, that made him so deeply internalize this belief? Almost two years of being broken down, being convinced that the things that happen to those you care about are the direct result of you caring of your existence. And that's the most frustrating part about it - it's so deeply ingrained, so intricately woven into his psyche that he can't just change his way of thinking. It's going to be so difficult to undo that thinking!
Not that this is really new to us but, just getting to really mull over this is so heartbreaking. Nol is so terrified of losing her, that he's willing to lose her to protect her. He'd rather not have her at all if it will keep her safe, if it will protect her from harm, even though it's so clear that he wants the opposite. He cares so much and it makes him so very afraid. How does he live like that?! That constant battle of wanting vs what he fears, how he let them into his life and broke his rules and in his mind this has put them in danger.
"If you don't like seeing her hurt, it's in your best interest to keep her away from me!"
He really would rather be the one that hurts her to protect her than to take any chances and it just makes me feel SO EMOTIONAL. ;A; OKAY. Because what can you even do to help him? He is so..... I don't like it when people say the word broken, because it often feels low-key like they mean someone is too traumatized to ever be "repaired" but when I say Nol is so broken, I mean that he has been put in situations that have damaged his self-view, that have damaged his psyche, that have altered the way he thinks and feels to such a degree that he is sitting here willing to hurt people in order to protect them, because he lives in this constant fear of unknown that he cannot predict. They took this vulnerable kid and put him through absolute HELL, they broke him and then they refused to put the pieces back together.
I hope that Dieter will talk to someone about it. Is it something he can talk about with Shinae? Can he pull together any clues? He's our most observant character, but does he know enough to start to grasp this very real fear that has gripped Nol? He was there at the arcade when Kousuke and Yui came to pick up Nol, when he reacted strangely to her being there, when he slapped away Kousuke's hand. Is that something that he'd remember, think is worth pursuing? And even if so, what can come of it? He looks genuinely worried and concerned, though, and I hope that something will be able to come of it, because I think even if he can't understand what Nol fears, he at least knows that to him it's very real.
Soushi's timing with the jello just.... KILLED me. KILLED ME what a time to interrupt ;______; How do you get back to that conversation?! And especially with Kousuke there now, it's effectively over. It just!!! LKFAFKJAJFKAKJFAJKFKJAF KLJAFKJAF AKJFKAJFKAFJKAF IT KILLS ME OKAY AAAAAUUUUUGGGGGGH
And while I know very well that Kousuke is there with good intentions, that he looks so haunted standing in the hallway waiting for Nol, I can't help but feel a heavy curtain of foreboding coming down, because Kousuke comes in like an omen. Because things go bad when he shows up, even when he's not the one trying to stir things up. And frankly, I don't look forward to this, because I know whatever is going to go down is going to hurt! There's something so..... I guess bitter about Kousuke's very too little too late moment, how he has struggled all these years with how badly he wants Rand's love, how much he fears not being good enough, how terrified he was that Nol could have it and replace him, the guilt for destroying a young child who was never a real threat to him (even though Yui absolutely made him out as a real threat in Kousuke's mind). It's like... knowing that Kousuke is starting to unlock this, is starting to see the insidious underbelly, while knowing it's too late. Nol has wiped his hands of him. He literally nearly died as a result of what happened the night before and even if Kousuke is coming to reach out to him, or to confirm something, Nol has no reason to entertain him, to hep him.
I feel like we are very much seeing that table turn, the role reversal. We're going to watch Kousuke fall apart, trying his best to hold himself together, with no one to turn to, no one he can actually trust, his paranoia eating him alive. It's not that I think anything heavy is going to go down as much as.... maybe we're going to watch Kousuke reach out to him, whether for help or to acknowledge something - that Nol, too, was drugged, that this must be why he hates tea so much, that so many times he ignored Nol's pleas for help - and Nol is probably going to reiterate how very done with him he is, that he wants nothing to do with him or this family any more, that he is done with them and what they've done to him. And just. AUGH ALKJAFKJJKFJKAF IT KILLS ME I'M SO EMOTIONAL I'M SO DISTRESSED BECAUSE WE KNOW WHY KOUSUKE WAS LIKE THAT WE KNOW HOW HE WAS MANIPULATED, HOW THE DRUGGING WAS USED TO ALTER HIS MEMORIES AND HOW HE RECALLED EVENTS HOW HE BELIEVES IN THIS FICTITIOUS VERSION OF NOL WHO WAS FORMED BY YUI'S WORDS AND IT KILLS ME BECAUSE NOL IS SO WELL WITHIN HIS RIGHT AND I JUST. TRAAAAAAGIIIIIIIIIIIIC SIIIIIIIIIBLLLLLLLLIIIIIIIIINNNNGSSSSSSSSS ;A;
And things just always go south when Kousuke comes around. He puts Nol in a worse mood, he starts to act out more. We literally watched this kid jump off a fucking balcony into a pool below and revisit the last time he was at the bottom of a pool, contemplating never returning to the surface! THINGS NEVER GO WELL WHEN KOUSUKE IS INVOLVED AND I'M NERVOUS AND SCARED AND I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS ;A;
At this point, I feel like everything really is up to Shinae at this point, because Nol is back to trying to rebuild his walls and put them up as high as he can, so ready to try to ignore these feelings, to play them off, to tell her that it probably means nothing, that he must just be acting this way because she's been nice when no one else has and if it was anyone else he'd probably feel the same way and GOD I am ready for her to go off on him. He all but told her to leave and come back when you know why you're fighting so hard for me, but I don't think he's actually PREPARED for her going back knowing her feelings, knowing what she wants.
Until now, there's always been a disadvantage between Shinae and Nol in their relationship, where he is always the one with the leg up, the one who knows more, the one who is making moves, the one who is in control of things. But I think we're going to see that change, based on her very feral way of fighting her feelings, how she was about to try to break down his door in order to continue their conversation, how agitated she is by the thought of him throwing her away.
It really does come down to her pure determination, and I'm fully expecting her to go in there and get into an argument with him lmao and frankly, I welcome it. I think that's the only way they're going to get anywhere. There's so many things they need to talk about, they need a heart to heart DESPERATELY but I don't think we're going to lead with it. I go back and forth on how I expect her to go, because she was SO READY to go back in and demand her things back "if I can't have you" (SCREAMING STILL) but now that she knows her feelings... will she? I hope she will, still. Because now it's almost worse, right? That he's taken all these things from her AND he still has a girlfriend AND he now has her heart? HOW IS THAT FAIR, GIVE IT BACK, GIVE BACK EVERYTHING!
I want them to argue because I think they're both a little more honest when they aren't thinking about what they're saying, when they let the hotheaded energy take over and words come out. Nol is probably going to play the "this probably doesn't even mean anything" game, the "this will probably pass and we'll both move on" game, the "maybe i'm just a selfish asshole friend and none of this means anything" game and Shinae is too hardheaded to let that slide.
I want her jealousy and insecurity to come out when Nol tries to shield himself with “I have a girlfriend” and I want her to remind him he said it was fake and he resents her. I want her to look him in the eye and ask if he can really throw it all away, if he wouldn’t have any regrets if he gave up and left her. I want him to fail to answer and instead tell her that maybe he can, who knows, maybe none of this is really real. And I want her to kiss him and prove to him how very real it is, how very much they both want it, and how very much they need each other.
And when she pulls away he can lean in, following her, pulling her back in, his brain off because god knows the moment her mouth touches his it's all over, he's melting, his resolve is crumbling and he's going all in, pulling her against him fingers in her hair mouth crashing back on hers so hungry so touch-starved so full of want.
They can talk about everything else once she's convinced him this isn't so fleeting. She can remind him what she already said, that she deserves a choice in this matter, that leaving doesn't change anything because she still works for the company she's still under contract and now there's more she can tell him - how Yui made her an offer that would essentially tether her to them, how Rand told her to take it that he says Yui will never let her go. That it was not about him that Yui is a witch, tell him about Kousuke's birthday, tell him about the way she got tricked, tell him about the things she tried to do to her.
I've already acknowledged that nothing can undo the years of damage that was done to Nol in the hospital and through years of abuse, but I think Shinae can, at the very least, make him see that she very much is just as trapped, that she's worse off if he leaves, that together they are so much stronger, that they don't have to endure this alone. He can tell her how scared he is and she can stroke his hair and reassure him the best she can that he's allowed to be scared in front of her that she feels scared, too, but maybe she's more afraid of losing someone who means so much to her, who is literally the reason she's gotten through everything she did. That maybe he thinks he's a monster but she's something else in him, that he is the sole reason she could endure that harrowing night.
I WANT THEM TO HAVE AN HONEST HEART TO HEART SO BADLY. I feel like we MUST be going that direction. There's been too much build up not to. As Lil Anon put it, ILY has never been quick to reward, and we must go through the ups and downs to get there. We've had this moment dangled in front of us for so long but we're not getting it easy. But we can see it in the narrative - the emphasis on their mutually realized feelings, that Nol was given that 3 day extension that leads so close to Christmas, the emphasis on her mouth, that these feelings happened before he went to jail. If there wasn't going to be a resolution, NONE of this would have needed to happen, especially not the 3 day extension. Quimchee is absolutely drawing this out - and not even in the "putting up pointless obstacles just to draw it out" kind of way but in the "you are going to be so satisfied when we get there" kind of way lol. It's just so easy to get spooked because that's what the writing is doing! That's tension, baby.
Hopeful optimism is always my downfall lmao but I just feel like we ARE going to have that resolution, that even if there's no relationship at this time, they will know where they stand, that she can convince him not to push her away, that they are too important to give each other up. Whatever he's afraid of, they can brave it together! I WANT IT AND I FEEL LIKE IT'S SO CLOSE OKAY AND I'MA FLKJAFLKJAF AFLKJAFLKJAFKLA FLKJAFLAKJFLKAFJLAFKAFKLAFJAFKJFKAA
We were given two small asides about Nol's phone and the Bible, and I wonder if we'll be seeing those play out the 22nd. The phone is obviously coming in Kousuke's visit next week, but I wonder: does it even work anymore after everything that happened? It was still working after the pool fall, which feels like a miracle, but after falling from the second floor, after getting slammed around in the snow, now covered in blood, will it still be able to turn back on?! lmao I'm not sure what to make yet of Alyssa's messages left hanging like that, especially after walking "into the light" with Gun. There's the fact that she's off to some schedule, so could there be a chance for those dating rumors to come up that she has to strike down? On the one hand, they feel like they could be left hanging, which kind of feels so symbolic of their whole relationship lmao but. IDK!!!! At the very least it probably needs a charge LMAO but idk idk this is the area I get murky because I think it can go so many ways. I don't think Nol has any intention of breaking up with her at this time, especially because he'll probably try to use it as a shield against Shinae, but.... I've always felt the break up would come from her due to dating rumors. Especially because of how bad his reputation is at this point (violence, roofies which makes it sound like he sexually assaults people) it would be EASY for Alyssa's agency to spin it and make it sound like indeed, she does not have a relationship with him and in fact he has frightened her or something. They were even in public at the Christmas party arguing even on the dance floor, before what happened later so. Idk SOMETHING will come of that, I'm sure.
But I'm also hoping referencing the Bible means that maybe he will find it when everyone else has left and he's bored - especially if his phone won't turn on - and take a look at the letters Shinae mentioned, since he only thought there was the one.
This is really important to me, because I need Nol so badly to see how he stands in the same place his father did. I want him to be able to better understand his parents - how his mom stayed clinging to a married man who she could not really be with, how she uprooted her child and herself to move closer to him. How she tried over and over to be there for him, to try to support him, and Rand didn't allow it. How unlike Rand, Nol has less to lose. He isn't married, he doesn't have a child, a family. He doesn't NEED to stay in a relationship that will only suffocate him, that will turn him into a hollow husk of a man like Rand did. I NEED him to realize that he is on a fast track of following in his father's footsteps, in becoming this empty meaningless man.
I want him to see how Rand's feelings for Nessa never went away. Even after she died, he still carried her around in that Bible. In her letters, in the photograph of Nol. He carried her around because he never got over her. And is Nol prepared to live that way?
This is also why I'm perfectly fine with Nol and Shinae kissing before he and Alyssa break up, because I think it would help him better understand his parents - how Rand had a duty to his marriage, but he fell in love with someone who actually meant something, and how she was the love of his life that he never got over. To understand how his mom could be with someone who was married. For him to understand that feelings are NOT logical, that you can't really control them. He never meant to develop feelings for the girl his friend likes - but it still happened.
Maybe if Nol can understand them, it will help him forgive them a little, give him a tiny bit of peace. And hopefully help him to make the right decision, to accept the love people give him, and to face his fears together with them.
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