I Am Not Fine
I'm writing this at three in the morning. Prior to this, I listened to a just-released bonus content of my favorite audio drama podcast called "The Bright Sessions."—It’s a series of therapy sessions for the strange and unusual (*whispers* It’s fucking awesome).
I was having a bad headache and my stomach was acting funny so I decided to treat myself to a warm black tea. Teas are fucking magical! It eased the pain, and I guess I'd say a hangover from listening to the podcast made me sit at my bed and meditate. I used to meditate back then, but for some reasons, I've forgot the skill and now I'm relearning how to actually do it through guided meditation. After that, also practiced abdominal breathing. Damn, this brought so much peace of mind. And then, I almost had a panic attack.
It’s nothing new. These are the times of the day where it’s so eerily silent that I feel sooo fucking alone with my thoughts, it scares the heck out of me. But why? I did a thing that I really enjoy, I meditated, practiced breathing exercises, I even cleaned my room, so why?!
The greatest take-away I can say from the guided meditation I’ve just done was that “Meditation isn’t about getting rid of your thoughts. It’s about learning how to be at ease with them.” This! This fucking blew my mind. I was frantically and desperately wanting to push away and to “clear” my thoughts thinking I should be empty in order to acquire peace where in fact, these thoughts are fucking mine, these make me who I am. I should learn how to accept that rather than forcing myself to get rid of it.
So yeah, here I am, at my most chill and vulnerable state... writing. Letting my thoughts go and flow and letting it be the way it is.
These past months has been so hard for me. Right before the first day of this semester, I know I wasn’t fine. And I thought, since I’m aware of those feelings, I’ll be “fine”. I even started this 30-day poster design challenge on my Facebook page to get out all the creative juices out of my body, and keep stimulating my brain. And you guess it, it’s a fucking distraction. It’s an excuse to say that “Yeah, I know I’m not doing well, but at least I’m doing something about it.” Am I? Do I really think that way?
Weeks passed, and suddenly, posts here and there of my block mates getting accepted from various media companies for internship flooded my timeline. And here I am. Refusing to do what should have been done. I’m not doing anything about my CV, my resume, and all the “responsible things” that should be done. Am I jealous for them getting accepted early? Maybe? But I guess it’s more of, I feel pressured. Everyone was doing their thing and then there’s me doing all the escapism crappy bullshits. Of course, I’m not judging these people, first of all, no one told me to be there, to be at all these apps that consume our most valuable resource—time, it’s just how it is. I was overwhelmed.
Unfortunately, I also had to quit my org. It’s such a great, loving community where I can just be myself; but I quit. Being with them was so much fun, I always get to laugh and to just be me without getting judged. Their stories are so inspirational and moving; but I quit. As someone who gets energy from being alone, it was quite draining in my part. Maybe quitting was not the best thing to do but it surely helped me lighten the burden I’m carrying. And they were so fucking understanding, and just so nice about it. Best people in the world, I don’t deserve them hahaha.
A month has passed, and I still don’t feel quite right. I even stopped posting to the poster design challenge I started. I had declined requests from friends to meetup. It was such a hard thing to do. Especially when you wanted to scream for help but you don’t even have the energy to get up, wash, dress up, and pretend everything’s fine. I feel so bad for rejecting people. I mean there’s only few who’d really go their way just to meet this potato but I still turned them down.
And then there’s this particular subject for this semester, Publication Design. It’s a subject where one of the requirements is to produce and release a volume of a magazine. Magazine, layouting, yay fun! Almost everyone was counting on me. I never felt so useful in my entire life. You don’t know how much I appreciate that level of trust. It’s so nice and warm to hear people say that my designs look fantastic and how much they admire them... and then I refused to do it. I know I’m not mentally and emotionally stable and capable enough to accept this big project that puts sooooo much pressure on me. I know I wouldn’t be able to pull this thing off.
Why does the things that I used to enjoy made me suddenly feel so lethargic? Why do I need to feel this way? I... I don’t have the time for this.
I did horrible things to myself.
I’m not really sure how and when I feel “less shitty” about myself, I mean, I don’t know why I felt those detrimental sentiments in the first place either, but I could say I’m on that “pick-up myself” phase right now. And it’s so difficult to maintain especially with all the overwhelming tasks here and there. But I guess whether it’s dropping everything at once to take a rest, or just breathing (which I found really really helpful), or talking to someone, it starts with taking that frightening first step and reaaally appreciating and applauding yourself for conquering that tiny yet critical first step. Pat yourself at the back, or hug yourself if that’ll make you feel better. Seriously, I got a lot of weird looks trying to have a pep talk and reassuring myself that I did a great job and everything’s fine at the middle of the streets.
And yeah, I’m trying to meet people at my own pace. I realized that there’s nothing bad with wanting to feel “okay” but there’s no need to rush either. I’ve talked to friends, and tried my best to be honest with my feelings at that time. I didn’t find the point of saying that everything’s good and responding to people’s “How are you?” with “I am fine,” which I found, became so engraved to me, it turned into a habit. So I decided to stop saying “I am fine” for the sake of small chitchat, but don’t necessarily need to tell the whole story of why I am not fine. It just put everything to perspective. It’s a proof that I’m not denying my own feelings and it might not be fine as of the moment but the most important thing is I’m trying to do something about it. For example, writing it down, yay! Didn’t realize that I’ve written more than a thousand of words.
Oh, I’ve also decided to be the head layout artist of our magazine. It’s a thing I really wanted to do and something I really wanted to be involved with. Very much aware of the stress and pressure this project is inducing, but so far, I’m enjoying creating beautiful stuffs.
Also, I’ll be continuing the poster design challenge on my page, hopefully, by next week. Go to facebook.com/reryanpage if you want to check my previous designs. I really hope that I can continue this self-project amidst the other uni stuffs I need to accomplish plus the internship. Yup, I’m hired yaaay!
Have you read all of these? I’m guessing it’s either you can relate or you have a big crush on me, probably the latter hahaha. These are just some of my thoughts and experiences, but I hope you pick up something from it, but if you don’t, still, thank you for sharing your most valuable resource—your time. I believe that talking about this kind of matters really help lift the stigma on mental health and mental illness. And I encourage you, to talk about stuffs that’s going on your mind whether on social media or with someone.
Let’s continue to make magic, shall we?
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