Bittersweet Serendipity

This blog was started in 2010 and has documented my life from teenager to wife and mother. This blog is a chronicle of my life through depression, loss, and triumph. This is my story.

[resilience-is-key]

I genuinely do not know how I ended up....here. What the fuck, I feel like I've both succeeded and failed in a way that I cannot explain. While materialistically, I seemingly have it all. I have a house, a 'happy' family, and from the outside I'm sure it looks like I have it so together. But on the inside, I'm hardly holding it together. I want to be anywhere but where I am, and I want a chance at a do-over in life, but I can't. I don't know who I am or what I am doing. I've lost not only lost sight of what is in front of me, but who I want to be and who I am in the larger picture. I just desperately want someone to genuinely care about me and not leave me in one way or another. While, simultaneously wanting to be entirely on my own with no one to answer to or worry about.

[resilience-is-key]

As I begin my two-day fast, a glimmer of hope flashed before me yesterday. What if this is it? What if this gives up the answers; a diagnosis and a chance of remission. I....could get my life back. I could get ME back. Although I don't remember who exactly that is anymore. Suddenly I remember today's date, October First. This month will mark FOUR years of being sick. Four years of losing my mind with each passing day, never feeling well, always tired, always stretching myself to the very brink of breaking. One thousand four hundred and sixty days without....me. I'm not the person I want to be nor do I know who that is anymore. My career is washed, I fall short as a mother and a wife. I am an unreliable friend and a lazy unmotivated individual so desperate to belong with no one on the sidelines to cheer me along. I am a failure in all aspects of my life due to an illness I never asked for and each day of the past four years

[depresslife22]

Everyday. 

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

“We need people in our lives with whom we can be as open as possible. To have real conversations with people may seem like such a simple, obvious suggestion, but it involves courage and risk.”

— Thomas Moore

[resilience-is-key]

I wish I could articulate my sadness in a way that was worthwhile. In a way that doesn’t come off as dramatic or attention seeking. I’m tired of laying in bed each night while intrusive thoughts invade my brain. “Do you have a plan?” They ask. As if someone in history answered without reservation. I have a plan to not feel this way anymore. I have a plan to stop being a nuisance anymore. I have a plan to make other lives better by ending my existence. I wish I could articulate the odd sensations on my wrist that crave to be carved as a lay down each night. I wish I could articulate the sadness I feel in a way someone could understand and respond with kindness and compassion rather than anger. I wish I could articulate the sadness that makes it seem less “out of blue” because it is with dry eyes I cry, not allowing my feeling show. I wish I could articulate what it feels like to be this sad.

[bookworm-on-rainy-days]

[resilience-is-key]

Hi.

Intrusive thoughts.

Intrusive thoughts.

Intrusive thoughts.

Intrusive thoughts.

Ugh

[afeelgoodblog]

This is one of the most beautiful things I’ve read!

[perfectquote]

“You sometimes think you want to disappear, but all you really want is to be found.”

— Kid Cudi

[resilience-is-key]

[stefanmaze]

[kindled-ember52]

@therusticmanor

[memeuplift]

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

“A girl who has lived through trauma has lived through a situation where her body, her mind, her self was not her own. Where she felt disjointed, ripped from her self, safety, and sanity. It was a moment, an experience, a something where her trust was smashed, her worth was gone and all there was was pain.”

— Victor Second

[sa-dnesss]

[blaekswan-deactivated20210428]

me, age 15: i cant wait to be 20 when i will finally reach my full potential, peak me,

me, on my 20s: i cant wait to die

[sakuhra]

[resilience-is-key]

Suicide to Jamaica

I think about suicide like I think about a trip to Jamaica. Sure, I’d love to get away go someplace new.  A place where nothing really matters. But I can’t just hop in a car and jet off to Jamaica. There’s a process.   For starters, I’d need a passport.  I’d have to get a passport photo taken then find time to go to the post office and apply.  I’d need a plane ticket; those cost money. I’d have to save up some money and watch for ticket prices until the sale price was right.  Perhaps I’d need to shopping for vacation clothes; a new swimsuit. I’d need to apply for time off work, make sure no one else has plans that interfere with the timing of my get away.  I don’t own luggage, but I suppose there’s Amazon prime for that.  Jamaica takes a lot of planning, waiting, and timing.  Maybe one day it’ll happen but doubtful.  Much like suicide it’s a distant dream I’ll probably never get a rong to.