So this is a bit of a weird thing to admit. And it get that it may sound disgusting. I can’t remember how to do a “read more” on my phone, so will just throw a warning on here for skin picking.
As I am laying here in bed, as I have been for the past two hours, I am picking at my scalp. I have done this since I was a child. I run my fingers through my hair feeling for “bumps” and pick them off. It’s oddly (and disgustingly) satisfying to me to pick big flakes of skin/scabs out of my hair. And writing that out I *know* how disgusting that sounds. I pick until it bleeds.
I started doing this as a small child. I remember at one point my frustrated mother forced me to go see our pediatrician and try to figure out why I was doing it. I remember being so frustrated as a child trying to explain why I did it.
Dr: is it itchy?
Me: no.
Dr: Does it hurt?
Me: sometimes.
Dr: Why do you do it?
Me: I just feel for little bumps and pick at them. I don’t know why.
Dr: I do not see any little bumps. I am not sure what you are picking at.
He looked at my scalp and assured my mother it wasn’t psoriasis or dandruff, but prescribed a strong dandruff shampoo anyway. It did nothing. I remember at one point as a child I picked at a few spots so much that I had bald spots.
I do it without thinking about it or realizing I am doing it sometimes.
The last three nights in a row I have been up past 4 am picking at my scalp instead of relaxing. I just can’t seem to stop.
So out of mild curiosity/frustration I googled it.
I literally had no idea before tonight that I am not the only one that does this. Reading story after story, even down to others also feeling for bumps.
I also never really knew it is a form of anxiety and ocd. I really truly had no idea. But when I sat and thought about it, it do pick more when I am stressed. I mean, I find myself doing it other times, too, but more when I am stressed.
It doesn’t normally keep me up like this, though. This isn’t normal for me. And it’s frustrating.
I am sorry if I just grossed a lot of you out, but i really had no idea this was related to my anxiety. I really had no idea I wasn’t the only one that does this. Seriously, I had such RELIEF reading there were others.
Now if I could stop picking and sleep… That would be cool.
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