lots of words.

A place where I can discarded my wandering thoughts, rambling moments, unsettling mind and enjoying words-porn. I decided to write again, and you may or may not be here, as one of the subjects to write. Pardon me.

[restlesslazygirl]

My dear, please behold. What a Masterpiece you are to unfold. Since experiences trained you to be bold, while pains taught you to be cold. But then, you are the only one who knows how to hold.

MA

[restlesslazygirl]

As our time can not be extend, I wished the day will never end. Because I hate that I can not spend any more times, without our hands intertwines.

MA

[restlesslazygirl]

I dreamt about you. Looking at me. Brightest smile I’ve ever seen. You were hugging me, tight. Like you were scared that I would slip away any minute. The peak was when you kissed me, ever so briefly on my forehead. I heard you whispering, “I love you..”. And then, I woke up. - MA

[restlesslazygirl]

https://soundcloud.com/adhaayi/adele-all-i-ask

[restlesslazygirl]

Funny how my brain stops working, even after everything just fell down to pieces. I used to be really good with writing when I am this sad. I guess, there are no words that could explain what is going through my head and my heart right now.

MA

[restlesslazygirl]

A letter to my (late) best friend

Hey Abang.

How are you doing? Is everything good? Well, I bet everything is good. You’re finally there, rest peacefully, so it must be good there. I am glad that you finally found your solace, back with your brother and Dad that you have missed so much.

You see, that group chat of us, it will never be the same anymore. Not without your funny remarks or stupid jokes, every now and then. Not without your silly typos or any funny comments that you gave about everything.

So, I will give you the report so far, about all of us here.

Ari is fine. He’s working now, at H&M. He loves it; it was really fun, he said to me yesterday. In fact, he couldn’t come tonight to prayed for you because he needs to work. He is sending his prayer for you, and he loves you, even though he always mocked you.

Ratri is great, actually. She found someone dear; finally, duh. She’s struggling with her feelings and other things around her; but she’ll figure it out, just like before. She missed you so much, even though you guys haven’t been talking that much. She sent kisses, from Bandung.

Dhia is okay. She’s still with Simon, still figuring out how to work at her new place, and just enjoying while it lasts. She’s struggling, but she’ll be fine. You know how she works anyway; always hard on herself and forget to asks for help to others around her. But, it’s okay, she’ll be okay, we’re here for her when she needs us. 

Syam is going to be okay. Your boyfriend; that beautiful, young man, he’s amazing. He actually managed to let you go, no regrets. Because he knows, you’re finally happy. Of course he is sad and he is missing you. I think he’s the one that is going to miss you the most in the room before. But, I am sure he’ll be fine. He has his friends, us, and all of your friends to help him through all of this. He was crying when I hugged him just now, but I know, he is going to be okay. Just watch him, okay? He’s going to do great, that young guy.

And, me? I am happy, genuinely. I found him, finally. You know, that guy that I’ve been imagining before? The one who will accept me, wholeheartedly, unconditionally? Yeah, I found him, in this very city of Yogyakarta. I want you guys to meet each other, and then you’d try to talk to him, with your broken English. He’s a nice guy, so I bet he’ll still listen to you and try to understand what you’re talking about. I’m happy, I finally found that one person that want to take care of me, even doing a better job than you were before. So, I’ll be fine; all of us will be fine. I’ll finish my bachelor degree this year, it’s too bad that you won’t be in my graduation pictures. Now, I envy Dhia, who had pictures with you in her graduation pictures. But, I know you’ll always watching over me, over us, up there, right?

I couldn’t help but not thinking about that dream: the one with me and our friends, having dinner party in my house. Me, already had a baby, named Aria; Dhia, Ratri, and Felix were still single, but successful, Ari and Donny were still together and going strong. And then, there were you; knocking on my door, cheerfully waltzing inside to the dinning room, with another hot, young gun. Then, my baby cried when you hold her. Dude, it was epic! Too bad our kids now can’t meet you. You’re going to be a very loving Uncle, that all of our kids will keep playing with you, every time you visit. 

So, keep on watching over us, Abang. Because I just found out, you still managed to took care of us, even after you’re already gone. Everyone was sad, and felt the big loss when you’re gone, but we’ll continue to live on. Because, that is what you want the most, right? For us, to be successful and happy, with whatever we’re doing. So, please be happy, there.

Until we meet again!

Love you, big time.

Rest in peace, Anto Wardi :)

[restlesslazygirl]

Loving someone is not as easy as the fairy tales tell you; it is hard, complex, it is palpable yet imperceptible. But then, it will feel as surreal as the fantasy that you have been reading about before; it is easy, effortlessly easy and it is so unbelievable that you will think you are dreaming.

MA

[restlesslazygirl]

Fourth Phase: Finding Solace

The year of 2013 was the year of finding solace for her. No relationship, no casual sex, no party, drinks and cigarettes; at least for a couple months. She was finding her place back at college, and started to attend salsa class for fun. She met a lot of new people, it was really fun and exciting. Nothing was actually interesting happened in that year, except she was trying to find herself, religiously.

She tried to be religious; like seriously trying really hard to be. All the failures that she faced before, in relationships, friendships, even college made her believe that she’s probably turned into the wrong way. But then, it started happening again. Every morning, when she saw her reflections in the mirror, she resented her. But, she gave any thoughts on it, and sticks to her routines. College, salsa classes, dinner or lunch out with her friends, and in between, she prayed.

But then, she relapsed. Because, she started to realize, she hated the whole religious idea, and she hated herself for doing it as a way to ran from her heartache and failures, instead of trying to be a better person, personally. She found out that, she couldn’t be that girl, the girl who her parents wanted her to be, and it was not the answer she’s been looking for. She started to fix her self-centered and attention seeker problems, and decided to shared the highlight with other people around her. And, thus, later she found herself around a lot of people that made her learn a lot about events, the work that she loved so much, she wanted to do it for the rest of her life.

In December 2013, a day before Christmas, she accidentally met again with U. Now, she was ready to face him, and they had a night out with their friends in that night. Later she found out, her presence was intimidated him in some ways. Her outgoing personality, her talkativeness, her way around his friends that made them more comfortable around her, intimidated him so much, he thought he needs to control her so she won’t be the dominant one in their relationship. And that was enough closure for her, as after that night, she went back to her place, cried her eyes out, grateful that she was out of that relationship and the emptiness in her heart was finally gone.

[restlesslazygirl]

Third Phase: What Did You Do to Me?

The meeting with U was probably the most hilarious one. She was swimming in the pool, with her friend, nonchalantly. When she was fixing her swimming goggles, he approached her. He had this cute grin and asked her out for foods after swimming. She accepted the offer, and they had a great time together. She saw something different in U, and she liked his outdoor activities. This might be something that’s been missing, she thought. So, she decided to had a go with him.

First couple months were good; she fell for his funny remarks, they had a cute nicknames for each others, and she was practically living together with him for a couple months in his place. Then, she started to know U’s friends, and went along with them quite well. She got really close with one of his friend, O and they clicked really well because O was more fun than U. They even had a weekend getaway together, two couples together, and then that was it. The relationship started to spiraling down to the very bottom.

U started to become controlling, he asked her to clothe herself more politely, stopped smoking and drinking, in the name of love. She was blinded with the idea of being in love, she actually agreed on it. Then, financial problems happened. U’s Mom can’t send him as much money as it was before, and it’s hard for him to just kept his life together. So, she practically paid for everything for a couple months. But she saw it as a good thing, he was nice enough to be with her, even after he knew about her past. 

U made her felt worthless without him, and handled her using her guilt about her past. He made her believe that she had no one except him, and he’s the only one who would accept her fully, unconditionally. Her life was getting together, she went straight to the class everyday, and back to his place after her class ended. Her grade was getting better, but she was lonely. That kept going until she wasn’t even in the mood for sex. No matter how he asked and begged for it, or how he tried to make her in the mood, she just never in the mood to did it at all. She became boring, lifeless, despondent and U saw it as a chance to cheat on her.

First argument was when she caught him texting with another girl with “pet names”. She was naturally a jealous person, and furious when she found out about it. But he assured her that the girl was only a fellow backpacker, nothing more. Then, it kept happening, he couldn’t even leave his phone at all, to the point he didn’t even realize she was leaving him at his place, back to her place with taxi, one night. Then, another argument arise, where she couldn’t handle it anymore and they were yelling at each other, muttering nonsense. She then realized, their relationship was done, damaged, and nothing could save it anymore. She didn’t feel anything, and the only thing that kept them together was nothing except he couldn’t live without her paying for everything. So, in Christmas, 2012, when he said he wanted to go backpacking to Bandung with his friends, she also bid farewell to their relationship. No tears at all, just a big hole that opened in her heart somehow and she could feel that it’s empty. A month after that, she found out that U was already in a relationship with that new girl and she still not cry over it at all.

[restlesslazygirl]

Second Phase, Part II: Party, Casual Sex and Boozes

Broken hearted as she could be, she decided to step back from any college related things. She was banned from anyone in her class, only a couple of people that would still talked to her after the public intervention happened. The social butterfly lost her will to keep up with any social activities and decided to just go to the classes, and back to her room. After all, she was still torn apart and confused with the whole situation that escalated to the way she never thought of before.

But then, before she knew it, she went to her first party and club. She liked the ambiance, liked the musics, and she met new friends that didn’t judge her at all. They were fun, and exciting and after that she got hooked with the whole clubbing and party things. After that, she met her first casual partner, D. D was 4 years older than her, a mundane guy, not really interesting, but a smooth talker. He was the first guy that taught her about casual sex or friends with benefit, and she liked the whole idea about it. They had fun together, he showed her that sex was not just about the whole same “rituals”, that she should explore more and tried everything and found what she liked best. Long story short, she found her deep, darkest fetish and desire, and he fulfilled it. But it was a brief encounter, as she never thought of him as someone she’d be together with on the first place.

Then, she met a German guy, F, who fell for her and had another brief relationship with. They had fun together, it was all about parties, boozes, parties and boozes. But he was good by nature, a very polite man, who saw her more than she could ever became, back then. So, when he asked her a more committed relationship than just a mere fling, she stepped back and bailed on him. She broke his heart, and she went back to found another guy to slept with.

Not long after F, she met a new guy, U. He was adventurous, talkative, and funny, and she fell for him because he was brave enough to asked her number when they met each other in the swimming pool. She liked him a lot, as he at first looked really dominant and could handle her really well. Their relationship was better than any other that she was in before. At least, she wanted to believe in that.

[restlesslazygirl]

Second Phase, Part I: Uni, oh, Uni, Why Do You Have to be So Cruel?

Going to Yogyakarta for University was probably the best choice that she made for her life. After all, that city taught her everything she needed to know about life. Still a very selfish person, she walked proudly to her first own life; first time after 18 years living under the same roof with her parents, now she’s gonna live by herself, where no one could tell anything to her. After all these years, she finally could do anything that she wanted. It was her first golden ticket of freedom.

But, as her egoistical and self-centered personality was getting worse, she saw anyone as not good as she could be. She grown up to be an attention seeker, a drama queen, the worst type of girl you’ve ever known. But, she didn’t realize it any time soon, anyway. She met a guy, her senior, she called him M and decided to date him for a very wrong reason: she wanted someone to taken care of her in the new city. That M guy was a smart one, textbook speaking. He was an introvert, a guy who’s more comfortable having more girls in his circle than guys, a guy who liked to be dependent on, a guy who liked to be a leader. And that girl took him for her advantages, her selfishness grow more and more, and even though that guy started to changed himself to be someone she liked, she still didn’t see their relationship gonna go anywhere, let alone to be more serious than it was.

She knew, he wasn’t good enough. She knew, she would end it all soon enough. But, she didn’t want to let him go just yet and kept him in an arm length; close enough for him to think that it’s gonna work, far enough so she could do whatever she want behind him. His first mistake would probably when he acted like her parents more than her boyfriend. She was looking for fun, adventures, and thrilling new experiences around the city. But he was keeping her close, always brought her back home at 9pm, started to getting close with her parents as his way to kept her on bay. And she hated it, and then her first encounter with A, another guy that she fond of, happened.

A was one of her senior too. A was, frankly speaking, a person that was close enough to her image of someone’s she’s been looking for. He could satisfied her thirst of intellectual conversation, she looked up to him very much. He was a talkative and funny guy, fluent in English and relatively easy to spend time together with because he was open with her suggestions to do anything that she wanted. A was pretty famous in her college, as he was involved in a lot of activities around it. And that made her like him even more. No, it made her admires him even more.

The problems started to arise when she realized that both of them were involve with someone else; she was already with M, and A was in a LDR relationship with his girlfriend. But, she couldn’t help it, A was everything she could asked for. A gave her the idea of romance; a forbidden love story. A gave her thrills, like no one ever could. A satisfied her intellectually, she didn’t even think about sex at all when it came to him. She’s happy enough with the limited time they could spend together, behind everyone’s back. That was until her new friends decided to intervened her.

The intervention that happened publicly; in the classroom, with all her friends were there, destroyed every thing. M, knew she cheated on him, decided to forgave her but demanded her to changed drastically, which she declined anyway. She ran to A, and A bid his farewell because he thought that their relationship was not gonna go anywhere, anyway. It was her first broken heart, and still the hardest one so far. Apparently, the idea of romance was only on her head, and it was never mutual. Torn apart and confused, that girl decided to just dropped everything and changed into someone else new.

[restlesslazygirl]

First Phase: What’s a Virginity Mean, Anyway?

That little girl, grown up to be a very curious one, curious in every aspects that she faced everyday. She developed a different way of thinking, not like her friends. Always found herself wondering what exactly gonna happened if she started doing this or that. She likes to be different from the rest of the group, and it started to get her into troubles.

Probably because her parents were there, but not really there to listen for what she wanted, and rather just pushed what they wanted her to be. So, she started to be a rebel, doing things that her parents would get mad at her after. The first major thing she did probably dating the guy that her parents despised a lot, in a secret. She was 16 when she went out with a Freshman guy, a guy who’s a bit Momma’s boy, but mature enough to coddle her every now and then. After a couple months together, she started to think that she’s ready for it; her first sexual encounter. He was mortified when she proposed the idea, as he believed a couple could only do it when they already married. She, as manipulative as she could be, convinced him to do it anyway.

Long story short, it was not memorable as she thought it would be. She thought it would be magical, sparkles everywhere, would make her keep thinking about it every single days after they did it; would actually make her love him and not just saw him as someone she liked and then that’s it. But, it was not. It’s just a sloppy first time. And, as she heard about her other girl friends talking about their magical first time, she saw it as something that just happened, and then that was it. What’s a virginity anyway? She thought of it as something that could easily break, and not something that would tied you up with someone that’s obviously not gonna be your last. It shouldn’t tied anyone’s up in any other means, because it was her/his responsibility and choice to not keep it intact till the marriage.

Her first real (now ex) boyfriend obviously didn’t see it the same way as her. He felt a big responsibility to be her husband, and he tried to control her and changed her to be someone she didn’t want to be. He started to get easily jealous when she went out with her male friends, asked her to be more religious, picked her up every single time because he didn’t believe that she’ll go home by herself. His last and fatal mistake would probably their arguments about what she should take for her college major. She wanted to take English Literature or Business major, and he insisted her to take Medical. His reason was immature and unbelievable. She still remembered it like it was yesterday when he was angry and yelled at her,

“I want my wife to be a doctor so she can stay at home and raise our kids and not working full time! If you don’t want it, then let’s forget that we can be together forever!”

Heck, yeah, she told herself, and saw it as a chance to broke up with him after 17 months together. She never thought that relationship could be demanding in so many ways, and she hated it. So, she started dating other guy after that, a classmate, to filled her free times. And, as she predicted from the first time they went out, that relationship started to irritated her more than before. That guy was very forgiving, even after she trampled him down so many times. She saw him as a very weak guy, who couldn’t satisfy her enough. Her thirst of an intellectual person that could satisfy her as a partner already poisoned her mind, and she again ended things up with that guy, with him broken heart over her. She didn’t care of any guys that she broke their hearts away, and that’s when her selfishness just start to drove her to something that’s way more complicated and serious.

[restlesslazygirl]

Intro: Their Daughter, The Gemini Girl

Once upon a time, there’s this couple, live their life with just the two of them for quite a long time. After a brief moment, they decided to make a family of their own. The husband, wished and prayed to God, to gave them a daughter; as he believed that a daughter will not leave them and will take care of them even after they’re old and wrinkly, a daughter that will always love them as much as they love her, unconditionally.

And then, after waiting for 9 whole months, that girl born. At dawn, under a bright sky full with stars and a full moon, her first cries resound in the hospital halls. They named her after the brightest star in the Universe, the Sun, with a hope that this girl will grow up to be an amazing woman and will always be the light to other people around her.

That girl grown up with lots and lots of love from her proud parents. Nothing was too much, or less. If there’s something that the parents gave her too much, it must be their love for her. They love her so much, they wanted her to be someone that exceeds in everything she does.

Curious by nature, obviously because she was born under the Gemini star, the girl began to questions everything around her. That curiosity, and the lacks of her parents presence because they’re busy building a better life for her, made her looking for answers in another ways.

She grown up to be a bit selfish, as she was an only child and didn’t have to share anything with anyone. She was a very bright kid, always had something to talk about, always curious about everything around her, but then again, she was a spoiled little brat that needs someone to protected her, just like her parents always do. And then, problems started to arise one after another. As a kid, she’d found it hard to socialize to other kids around her age, always found solace with someone older than her because they’ll coddle her and gave her anything that she asked. Later then she knew, it’s a problem and she’d always end up being left out by her same age friends because she’s selfish and spoiled. And then, she’d always found herself to feel very lonely and alone at the end of the day.

That spoiled little brat, again, grown up to be a teenager. Her parents, as doting as they could be, gave her enough freedom to do anything she wanted, yet kept her close enough to be someone they wanted her to be. But, as she got easily bored on anything, she’d always bail on it; vocal lesson, piano class, volleyball club, traditional dance class. The only thing she didn’t bail on was the English class that she took from Elementary School, that she started to like it really much.

Her parents, as much as they love her, always see her as someone who can be the best on anything she’s doing. So, they started to push her a lot, in everything. When they saw that it’s not making her better, they started to take another form of grooming her; they started to compared her with her friends, who have better grades or better gifts, as they thought it’ll motivate her to become somebody that better than anyone else. But, she couldn’t bring herself to that point that her parents wanted her to be. And it made her a rebel, at some point, for the sake of made a point to her parents that she couldn’t be that straight A’s girl that they wanted her to be.

As much as she loved them, that girl grown up to be someone that a whole lot different from her parent’s expectation. But, she couldn’t bring herself to tell them, as she didn’t want to hurt them. As her life was moving on, she then found herself in any kind of situation that changed her completely; physically, mentally, intellectually and emotionally. Later on, she lived under two shadows; one that her parents know and fond of, and the other would be her true self that she couldn’t reveal at all to her family. She’s tired, she wanted a getaway, or a runaway chance. But, could she actually break their heart and embark on her own journey?

[restlesslazygirl]

Missing you

Comes in every different shape and conditions. It was a bright orange, after I left the airport right after our last kiss; it was warm and delightful. After that it was marsala, the warmth one: the first time I saw your face through Skype and listen to your voice, telling each other what we missed; it was passionate and thrilling. And today it was dark blue, the one that you usually see in the deep water: the first time I realize that you’re away from me; miles away. It was.. longing, lonely, and affirm me at the same time; that you’re here with me, that’s why I keep feeling these emotions. At least now I know, missing you come in every different colors; and it makes me want to go through it all, till the end. - A

[restlesslazygirl]

Y’know how I can’t stop looking at you, babe 

(adhaayi)

[restlesslazygirl]

What good is a heart that’s slightly out of tune?

[restlesslazygirl]

Des yeux qui font baisser les miens

Un rire qui se perd sur sa bouche

Voilà le portrait sans retouche

De l’homme auquel j’appartiens