hahahahhahahahahahhahaah what the fuck is life
Hello! if you've followed this account at all you'll know that i stopped.
fucking.
using it.
Which is tragic but UNFORTUNATELY! i was dealing with *some shit* and by *some shit* i mean my entire personal life exploding. I tried to be a vtuber, a streamer, and be a parent, hold down a consistent job, be a good partner to someone who was checked out on the relationship, and all the other stuff! Then my 14 year long relationship fell apart. The one where we had children together, our lives heavily intertwined. The person I loved more than anything, the one person who did not give up on me. Watching the only person who said she loved me: ignore me, cold shoulder me, spend her time away from me, and then tell me "its probably too late" after I tried to do everything she wanted from me. So, I did what any sad fool does in that situation. Have a mental breakdown in the shower on a thursday morning and scream about wanting to die. And so I spent about 4 days in a mental facility. After that, I was told to "take a break" and spend time at my dads. so. Moved in with my dad (totally temporarily) aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand then 3 weeks later she breaks up with me. That was July! Cool! I still see my kids, and I'm still their parent. our breakup was as amicable as it could be (with some noticeable bumps such as her being a shitty partner over the years (god the things I could say) and a bunch of other bullshit after we broke up but its fine now(its not fine)) Cool. Lets rebuild our life at... *checks the date* 33 going on 34 years old. ... Fuck.
I was getting mental health help, and medication for the first time. Cool! I do feel better. . . . still sad. Lonely and single for the first time in 15 years. And there was... always that little thought in that closet in the back of my head. You're a Girl. You're a Girl. You're a Girl. You're a Girl. You're a Girl. You're a Girl. You're a Girl. You're a Girl. You're a Girl. You're a Girl. You're a Girl. You're a Girl. You're a Girl. You're a Girl. You're a Girl. You're a Girl. You're a Girl. YOU. ARE. A. GIRL.
And then the subsequent thoughts that have then shut that door again and again and again and again and again and again and again. You'd be an ugly girl. It's too late for you. You could never be as pretty as the other trans girls. You. can.t. do. it. You're 33 years old, you'll look terrible. you're 33 years old, its too late. I cried myself to sleep that night. . . . and then the next day happened. I was at work, in my work van (i work as a paratransit driver, which means I shuttle disabled ppl anywhere they need to go in the county). And I sat there, thinking about it. "You'd be an ugly girl" "you'll never be as pretty as the other t girls" ... ... ... Fuck. I'm trans, aren't I? AND THAT WAS IN SEPTEMBER. I'm gonna make another post because this ones too LOOOOOOONg but yeah I'm now a trans femme. *she/her* finally.
