Reviews You Didn't Ask For

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The periodic table of elements

Why would an educational institution require or expect any of its students to commit the periodic table to memory? It's hard enough to remember a 10 digit phone number. Or your 6 digit verification code. With that, the order...the organization. Wow. A true work of art. This beautiful array set the stage for today's heroes, such as the Container Store and Marie Kondo.

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Katy Perry

The greatest and most significant of all of Katy Perry's professional endeavors, without question, was the innovation and courage she exerted when naming her cat Kitty Purry

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Spongebob Squarepants

How is a sponge roughly the same size as a starfish, who is roughly the same size as a squid, who is roughly the same size as a squirrel? How do Krabby Patties not disintergrate in the sea water? Why does Spongebob want to drive? When he could just ride a fish? Yes, these are the plot points that plague me most.

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Anthony Anderson

Love the alliterative name. I cannot believe how famous he is present day, because he will always be Teddy from Hang Time to me.

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Lemon scent

Honestly, are you ever going to be mad at lemon scent? It's a classic.

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The Smell of Rain

A lot of people like it, but I think it just smells like dirt

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Ant Bait Traps

The ants know it's a trap. I can see them deliberately going around the trap. They have no interest in what is inside and they never have. I can hear them taunting me, "So cute that you tried." Well I'm sorry you can't even follow some darn directions. It's a conspiracy between the ants and the ant trap manufacterers. They've got to be in cahoots. Who can you even trust in 2016?

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Paprika

It's a scam! Paprika tastes like nothing. If anyone tries to tell you otherwise, they have either not tried it or their taste buds are broken and they want to fit in. Or they have heavily invested in the paprika industry and are trying to protect the family fortune. Paprika can make your food red or sprinkled with red. I've got to credit paprika for that. Fair is fair. But paprika will never add any kind of flavor to a food.

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Avocado

Do you fancy yourself a risk taker? Thrill seeker? Would your dream vacation be spent gambling in luxurious, exotic casinos in Las Vegas, Atlantic City, or Biloxi?

If you said yes to any of these questions, then avocados are just the fruit for you. That’s right - fruit.

Considered by tastemakers to be the Roulette/Crapshoot/Go Fish of the food world, avocados will make sure you never feel secure in this world. Even the most skilled avocado aficionados cannot detect what is lurking beneath that dinosaur-skin outer layer.

You might open a perfectly Maleficent hued avo that meets your squeeze with just the slightest hint of give and find bruised, rotting grossness inside. OR it could be days away from ideal ripeness, and now it’s too late - your avocado is ruined. There’s no way to know. If karma owes you a solid, she just may repay you with creamy, tasty perfection that expertly complements any salad or sandwhich.

The real question is - are you feeling dangerous?

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Biore Strips

Although I am never satisfied with the quantity of gross that Biore strips remove from my face, I am always thankful for the percentage that they do extract. Nothing gives me such zen as gazing into the miniature forest landscape that peppers these sweet strips, post-nasal contact. This perfectly legal high lasts just until I look into the mirror and find MORE BLACKHEADS???!?

Overall, great but could stand to be more stripping.

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Macarons

How are they so damn good?

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Fog

It is beautiful when floating above the hills in the early morning. It is a terror when highway driving. Does fog get offended when people mistake smog for it?

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Up and Up Cotton Swabs

Not as pillowy as name brand Q-tips, but they get the job done. Every so often, you find a swab that has its cotton unraveling, before you get a chance to use it. Great value for the price, if you are looking to save $0.43 plus tax and don't mind the occasional deformed cotton swab. I mean, eventually it ends up in the garbage, right?

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Lemon Oreos

Very surprising results. I had very low expectations for this product, so they were definitely exceeded. Our reviewers were impressed at how not terrible these cookies were. Some even likened them to the Lemonades Girl Scout Cookies. If you are not familiar with Lemonades, they taste like a cool breeze on a summer day, just as the heavens shower gentle sun rays on your face and a choir of baby angels serenades you with their dulcetones.

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Bell Peppers

Did you know that bell peppers tend to retain chemicals used in farming, so it’s best to buy organic?

The crunch of a bell pepper is one of most satisfying crunches you can achieve without jeopardizing your teeth.

As for flavor, the red ones are delicious. Straight up, essentially candy. The orange/yellows are pretty good too. The greens bell peppers? What’s the point? Seriously, get out my salad.

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Polyester

Great if you like your clothes to dry fast and to stay wrinkle-free. Easy on the wallet. Not great if you like feeling of air circulating. Not easy on the environment or your eczema. Sometimes can dupe as a silk (to the untrained eye.) Gets a bad smell after a while and usually looks cheap.

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Pigtails

Acceptable on all children under the age of 18. Adorable for the velcro shoe crowd

Deplorable, nay, embarrassing on anyone old enough to buy a beer in the United States.