1. Bashar al-Assad (Syria): He made us laugh, he made us cry, and he generally made us re-think global-strategic alliances. He continued to make a splash this year when he kept up his previous plan to indiscriminately murder all of his own people, while receiving aid from those kooky Russians and Iranians. Fans were afraid he pushed the US too far, to the point of military intervention, but alas, the last laugh is on NATO!
2. Amadou Toumani Touré (Mali): This innovative ex-general technically fell off this list last year when he was deposed by a military coup for his active involvement with Al-Qaeda and complete inability to combat the Tuareg rebellion, but we love his antics so much that he just had to put him on the list again! A big fan of lavish spending, to the point where he actively took bribes from AQIM, this fat cat seemingly just never had enough! A man close to our hearts for sure.
3. Abd Rabbuh Mansur Hadi (Yemen): This greenhorn had to inherent the office from former big man Ali Abdullah Saleh, who delighted us for a staggering 33 years. But the newcomer quickly proved his worth by showing almost unrivaled loyalty to US interests by becoming quick pals with Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel and President Barrack Obama. The deal? The US gets to Drone everyone and he gets to stay in power. Talk about a compromise! Fearing one of those pesky “Arab Springs” he has been sure to stamp down all forms of protest. Now that’s a man who gets things done!
4. Benjamin Netanyahu (Israel): Alright, alright, we know, the man would personally never style himself a “dictator” per say (but hey, who does these days?), but we love him so much we just HAD to put him on the list. A charmer, a heart-breaker, and a man who generally and almost always resorts to violent and xenophobic methods to ensure Israel remains for the Israelis only, what isn’t there to love about him? A real political savant, he just can’t help making offers to the US, Russia, and even Saudi Arabia! Is there anything this guy CAN’T do?! (Calling for the almost unlimited expansion of illegal settlements certainly isn’t one of them.)
5. Abdel Fattah el-Sisi (Egypt): This ambitious little general certainly has a little work to do before he can officially style himself as a “leader for life,” but they always say, no rest for the ambitious. The mastermind behind one of the year’s best Coups (SEE: This Years Top Five Coups) the democratically-elected Morsi didn’t stand a chance! Sorry Muslim Brotherhood, power is only for those with the kahunas to oust a popular leader through violent and clearly illegal techniques, which el-Sisi has in spades. We predict that 2014 is going to be his year!