cave drawings in my head

everything stains everything else, and these are all the words i'm constantly trying to get rid of -- mrw

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summer and Mary Jane not much on my brain wish you were here but I’ll refrain stay in bed through the rain pet my dog and roll my smokes hear someone say some kind of joke Growing up and falling down I tend to stare at the ground thought you’d be here but it’s all the same I’ll hold myself it’s all the same my dogs keep me safe it’s all the same

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he asked me, what turns you on? I said, being cared about; it’s a kink

me

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I saw your face in mine and I wish my brain

didn’t make that connection.

Is it feminine to be shallow

or is it masculine to show deflection?

Should I love you for showing me myself,

or should I not give you the satisfaction

of thinking that I was lost before I met you?

I am still lost, you were more like a broken compass that I felt was charming.

I accidentally always called you babe, you never accidentally called me darling.

I make poetry out of people, they are not poetry without me.

I am doing this, I am going on, I am wishing I wasn’t alone but I am floating with no extra weight.

Sensations are dulled.

What’s importance is not taste.

My mind needs to be filled to crush what I have left of you.

But I cherish ripped books too.

I’m tired of trying but I’m trying to be tired , so I need to get over myself as she is a liar...less importance equals more freedom, more freedom equals more life.

I always feel strife, I am going on strike.

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easy breezy

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I wonder when I’ll feel this beautiful again

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happy birthday Ricky 3/29 :)

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reflect/refract

I’d say I wish you gave me enough time to see me for how beautiful I am But I guess what I’d really mean is I wish I was around you for long enough to feel beautiful. I don’t do beautiful things, I don’t know what your “beautiful” is. I don’t know what it requires to be worthy of someone’s adoration because I find it adorable to be mixed up and not be sure why things are happening. I’m probably fucking awful? And I’ve only been able to tell myself this and not be sure how to accept anything else? What if my dog thinks I’m a monster and only stays by me because I’m one of the nice ones? What if I think looks of sweetness are actually looks of paranoia because I’m so just terrifying someone when I really just want to adore someone? Am I intimidating ... and I know I need to stop asking questions now, but at least I’m good at something... asking questions that will probably never be answer because they probably don’t make sense to anyone who actually does hear me. I did only see in good in you when you weren’t reacting to me , That’s confusing, And did I ever tell you that I’m pretty sure I made my parents the unhappiest? I’ll never say that it wasn’t my fault I just wish I truly knew when it began , because I think it was just general disappointment somehow. I was thinking in the mirror earlier , I don’t fucking know how to be someone’s anything because I only know how to be alone and sad. I have always been more content than with trying. I wonder if my mom ate a lot of sugar when she was pregnant with me .. and why I always have to find a reason for everything. does this mean I’m mentally challenged or just emotionally? Someone else has to be the blame for this, but it was probably a different me and I guess that means I need to start trying , soon, but why should I care if it’s only for myself? I don’t think anyone’s opinion of me can really 100% be changed once they think of me as a monster. My entire motto is just being a mirror , I’m pretty much sure of it. I can see the deflections but they can’t? Or I’m just made of glass and wood and can’t actually fucking do anything. I don’t know if I’d rather actually know anything? It’s confusing.

[rewriteyourfuture-blog]

Holiday seasons are for lists

1. Don’t speak to your parents for months

2. Accept help from your dad one time

3. Make everything about you

4. Have no one come after you when you take 2 steak knives into your room with the door locked

5. Walk downstairs, see your mom zombie in front of the computer without ever noticing you, take her pill bottle from her wrist surgery

6. Play Violent Femmes’ Kiss Off as you swallow the 37 pills with a shot of whatever you had lying around

7. Cry

8. Write the note with emphasis on insults to your parents

9. Walk downstairs and tell your mom to call into work for you tomorrow even though you wouldn’t really be missed there either

10. Have your mom scream as if she cares and your dad ignoring the screams because he doesn’t

11. Try to run away but decide to sit in the corn field because your energy is low now

12. Give up like you give up on everything , because it’s only been an hour and you haven’t even faded out yet.

13. Drink the charcoal , show your mom the marks on your neck, stare at your moms self pity until you can’t remember anything else

14. Take note of how the white walls and the drug addicts at your forced “mental rehabilitation” facility are not actually reassuring at all

15. Respect the fact that your haircut and 112 pounds at least makes you resemble the girl from Girl, Interrupted

16. Realize how much music would make this better

17. Stay a night at the Econo Lodge with your secretly drunk mother because her husband gave her the ultimatum of housing her depressed failure of a daughter or staying married for the insurance

18. Live in a state of constant disappointment until you at least figure out what you want to experience years of debt to study for, to pass the time until you actually can die

19. Move constantly, because no place will ever feel like it needs you.

20. Have a cycle of hookups with older guys who don’t care about you, never have any real connection with anyone, never feel not alone anywhere you go

21. Decide to spend your life in debt for a degree that only reminds you how fucked the world is

22. Never embrace the idea of total sobriety

23. Just keep going until the world crumbles

[wnq-writers]

1. you cannot love like a bullet, in a rush, with too much adrenaline, you’ll feel that quick regret you’ve aimed wrong 2. Sometimes you will breathe and nothing will come of it, you will live to the next moment, like wading in floodwater, with unclear motivation, and a sort of weariness, it’s ok. 3. Don’t let somebody ever talk you out of trusting your heart 4. A boy will rip you open, and light will flood into your soul for the first time in a long time. Let the initial shock roll off of you and enjoy it. 5. If you have to convince somebody to stay with you, they are already gone. 6. Growing will feel a lot like breaking, keep going. 7. You will feel more peaceful the more you obey your nature 8. If you spend too much time trying to decide what you want to be, all you will ever be known for is indecisiveness 9. The only love you have ever seen is the kind that eats people alive, the kind that wears a mask, I swear there is a better kind, there is a warmth you can trust. 10. The scars that will be the deepest and hardest to heal will not be from lovers.

lydiaskiss // advice to my younger self,  writing prompt #62: list 10 pieces of advice you’d give yourself (via wnq-writers)

💔

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re:

i’ll still be the same after you - i’ve had library books for longer than you! i’ll probably miss being under you... thanks for the lesson or two.

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cauliflower

it’s a waste of fucking talent to just take everything as a challenge who can sit in the dark by themselves for longer? i’m a waste of fucking talent i think i’m just mentally challenged who could love me for any longer?  i don’t care to practice I’m not always sure what the point is why should I try any longer?

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bibliophile

your body is a used book,

your skin is fucking poetry.

your head holds mysteries,

your hands are slip covers.

I could carry you around for semesters,

I could learn something from you.

I would dog-ear every page.

I want to read the fuck out of you

[rewriteyourfuture-blog]

you kissed me before you ever said my name but I'm guilty of doing the same why does it matter if the candle lights a flame or the other way

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sometimes I make up melodies for the words I write Not that they're any good but here you go ... see the post from a few weeks ago post script : he was pretending

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left swipe

I'm more than my thighs and my eyes And my weight on the scales and I understand that I'm doing what I can to get by I'm more than just another score on the board of your phone screen I'm not sure how to be who I am when myself inside my head is so misleading

[rewriteyourfuture-blog]

I don't need reassurance I just need someone To hold me So fool me

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