miss americana.

bet you've been a fan of me, see me in your fantasies.

[rhiezus]

are we actually friends, or just trauma-bonded? // liya x zyian kkk amo ele !

"Are we actually friends, or just trauma-bonded?" Zyian questioned, turning his body as his back leaned across the railing.

Liya pondered before answering, her grin grew a bit wider than she would've anticipated. "Both, obviously." He nodded and they smiled at each other like long term friends. She could see the battle in his dark brown eyes as much as she was sure it reflected the same on hers and they left that shared moment lingered as they looked at each other without the need to say anything else.

They already knew what could have been said. It's like they've been there at each other's battles even if not physically, they just understood it.

And you could found people in the same line of work who did too, Liya dated one for many years, but that didn't hit the same. Not because there was something wrong with either of them, rather the perspectives where different about the same circumstances. And although she spent most of their relationship trying to meet somewhere in the middle, that became exhausting.

She didn't want to fight to get love. She wasn't much of a fighter anyway. She just wanted it because she deserved it. Now she was in a place in her life that she knew that so it was no use arguing with someone for something she could give herself.

She didn't want admirers, strangers, stunning white horsed princes who would come and swept her off her feet. She didn't need jewelry, fancy clothes, parties every night. None of that excited her as much as this.

As much as the quiet understanding between two people, now friends.

"What's worrying your pretty little mind?" She heard him tease her, perhaps his odd at filling in the silence that grew.

She also didn't mind the silence, it was comfortable to be with Zyian regardless, she thought he must have known but now she realized he might not.

"Not so much as worrying, just... thinking."

"Oh, thinking is good." His eyes darted to the ground and Liya smiled at his nonsensical mind.

"I like being your friend." She felt a deep urge of wanting him to know that, wanting to keep her days always like this: familiar and comfortable. "That was what I was thinking."

Suddenly he looked back at her and this time his eyes didn't share knowledge of the past but something else. Something like a sparkle, a delighted glow that irradiated her and kept her completely drawn into him. She was sure that if he took a step closer right now, she might melt. So instead of collapsing, she darted her eyes away to the city view and sighed, a content sigh, almost wishful somehow.

Liya wasn't sure what she could have done there but one thing was certain: if she wanted it, she could have it. At least that was what the tension in the air told her. Zyian leaned in the railing in the same position as her, facing the city, seeing the same. Their forearms touched slightly and she tried to ignore the way her heart skipped a beat at the same instant.

"It's good to have someone to be here with. Gyuri doesn't do heights and no one else is worthy enough of the privilege." Liya hadn't realize how her words lingered on his mind until he spoke again. Was this his way of saying she was special? Well, she felt but that wasn't because of the view and mostly the company.

"Of being here or being with you?" She teased, nudging his arm with the same forearm he had his leaning on.

"Both, obviously." He teased back, growing confident enough to turn his torso and head towards her.

Ziyan was shamefully staring at her now, grinning and satisfied. She would have condemned other men for this, but he was different. He was allowed that because he looked good doing so. She wanted him to be confident and kiss her now. She was pretty sure that if she turned to him and did the same, he would. She at least hoped he did. She wanted him to. Was that too desperate? Too soon? Well, there was no point in it because before wondering what he should do, Liya beat him to it.

In an instant her mouth were pressed against his in a short peck like you would've given any fifteen year old you're dating for the first time. It was silly but she didn't feel embarrassed at all because when she leaned back she caught the flustered surprised expression on her friends face, it lasted only a mere second because the corner of his mouth gave a slight twitch before he pulled her in for another kiss.

This time it lasted longer, he had his hand on her chin before settling it on her waist. While she wrapped both her arms on his shoulders and brought him in with happy sighs that she couldn't help but let him hear. She didn't notice how long they had been there, only that it was good. Good, so good. His tongue darted inside her mouth shyly and she let herself be kissed in the most passionate way. She felt the gentle breeze swing by them, but his body shielded hers and she didn't feel anything else but his warmth.

When time altogether was lost and the only thing in the world on her mind was Zyian and his hands, his mouth, his body pressed against her... That's when she stopped. It was easy to lost herself in him, she wanted to and she most definitely would. But right now she wanted to see his face again.

"Are we still friends?" Before she could even form a comprehensive line of words to say, she felt his smile on her cheek as he whispered on her ear. She giggled because his nose tickled her neck and he decided that reaction was good enough reason to leave a soft kiss on that very spot. "Huh?" He asked again, his voice ringed throughout her whole body.

"Best of friends." Liya rested her head on his chest, she couldn't reach the crook of his neck perfectly even though his face was already leaning down on hers but she didn't mind the height. Her ear was aligned with his heart, she felt the moment of his heartbeats matching perfectly with hers. She closed her eyes for a moment, wanting to linger, savor it.

She was in love with her best friend, it was obvious. Actually it felt obvious too. That obvious satisfied feeling resonated in her mind, heart, body and soul. It grew inside her like a big breath of relief. Like the feeling of coming home at the end of the day. No expectations, no demands, no trying hard to be something, anything. Here, in Zyian's arms she was just Liya, the Liya she always were. And this Liya loved Zyian, the Zyian he always were, the Zyian she knew. Something ancient ached in her heart because it felt finally seen, somehow finally found.

[rhiezus]

( 🛏️ ) : for our muses to wake up in the same bed. // dino x heather

it was a still morning, not completely silent, there were birds chirping outside and the breeze past them by, making dino hide deeper into his sheets. he could feel the sun on his skin warming him, asking him to open his eyes. but he didn't move, he didn't dare to wake up, he wanted to keep himself there, relaxed and completely rested in this solemn peaceful moment. truth be told, he doesn't remember when was the last time he felt like this. there were no thoughts in his head. there was nothing urging him to get up and get on with life. in fact, not even him was feeling pressured by himself to do so. all his instincts said: you can stay. further to his reasons to continue in this half-dream-half-awake state, came in the form of a smell that heightened his senses. he wasn't particularly knowledgeable about perfumes but he knew there was something special in this one. it wasn't like anything he ever scented before.

he could still be dreaming for all he knew, because his mind started to take him elsewhere. there was a forest, he was running somehow and he could feel the breeze hitting his face in a soft caress. giggles were forming in his throat and he just let them roam freely from him, someone was shouting his name in a caring way. it was only when his knees and legs ache from running so much that he stopped, panting for air. he felt a hand reach his arms and he looked up, at first he didn't see anything but the sun and the blue bright sky, his vision a blur. but then, through his fuzzy sight he recognized him. he hasn't seen that face for a very long time but he could never not know who reached so tenderly for him while calling him son. his mother had a picture of that day somewhere on their house, dino knew where he was now.

he felt the warmth next to him again, from his father, from the scent and thought that might be amber, like the trees that surrounded him in that memory. fresh, woody, musk. dongyoung felt hugged by the memory and by the present.

there must have been quite a smile on his face when his body finally started to wake up, his vision was just as blurry as the one from the dream. might he still be there? definitely not, he was aware of himself now, probably more than ever. dino allowed himself a sigh, a content one, because he couldn't remember the last time he slept so well or even the last time he dreamed so vividly. and he felt rested like he didn't in so long. it was crazy to think so because of how much he did last night. his energy seemed to last for hours until he dozed off naturally by her side. yes, heather. the amber. there she was, of course. he didn't forget that for a moment but now that his eyes were fully open and his mind was starting to recall everything he became truly aware of them entangled in bed together.

in another situation he might have felt the need to get up, cover himself, think about what he had to do for the day and get it done with already. however with heather next to him, he wasn't in any rush. in fact, he was surprised — when he turned his face expecting her to still be sleeping, he found instead her pair of brown eyes resting on his image. this made his body jolt, if he wasn't so serene and still processing being awake, he could very well get excited again when she smiled in response. dongyoung yanked that smile off heather's lips with a soft passion filled kiss. she tasted just like his dreams. just one kiss wasn't nearly enough, nonetheless it was what he could manage before she stopped him. he heard her utter words of good morning and how he slept so well, he nuzzled into her neck. part of him wanted to say "because of you." yet he didn't, instead he breathed her scent one more time. feeling on pause. did the time stop and he didn't notice? where were all his worries? what it was what he needed to do? "this." he heard himself say in a whisper, he was sure she heard.

for so long, rest had felt undeserved. love had felt conditional. his mornings had been something to endure rather than welcome. but here, tangled in sheets that still held the warmth of the night before, he realized how his chest didn't hurt. how the memories that once clawed at him now sat gently, no longer begging to be fixed or released. they were part of him, yes—but they didn’t rule him anymore. heather was proof of that. a presence that asked nothing and offered everything. with her here, he felt more sure of himself than he'd ever been. he didn’t have to be strong or careful or ahead of anything. he could simply exist and be loved in that state.

dongyoung pressed another kiss on her lips, a reverence, as if thanking her for something she might never fully know she had given him. when he pulled back, his voice was steady, grounded in a way he never heard before. “this..." he repeated softly. "feels nice." nice— didn't quite convey. nice was what he said, because it was the closest word he had that wouldn’t break the moment open. what he truly meant was in that perfect still moment, her soul reaching his on his dreams and still being there in the morning, his body no longer aching for what would come but settling into her comfort. yet he didn’t correct himself. he only stayed there, forehead resting against hers, letting nice be enough. because for once, everything was.

[rhiezus]

i thought i could handle seeing you with someone else, but i was wrong. // liya x heokyu

the past was talking with them, through them. if the studio wasn't soundproofed liya could swear she could listen to the memories of all those years flashing around them in that small space. they danced around this, this purgatory between the recording booth and the exit. her sessions ended as his began, a cruel scheduling irony that had forced this weekly, wordless ballet for a month. a nod, sometimes. the brush of a coat. their lack of action was louder than words. tonight, he was already there, sitting before the mixing desk, still as a sentinel. she pushed the door open, clasping her tote back in her shoulder. the sight of him hit her with a familiar dual ache, one of a flare of anger at his distant, preoccupied presence and a deep, softening pang for the boy he used to be. the one who'd wait for her just like this, trying to interrupt her working with his teasing, helping her choose the right words, kissing her just to make her laugh. it took effort from her not to run to him and demand his warmth again.

avoidance comes with a price though, one that was settling in to be the biggest amount they ever had to pay. she understood where heokyu was coming from, but liya never enjoyed confrontation. she avoided him for a reason, she dreaded those moments of silence and panted up disappointment. she was put in a corner by heokyu yet again, he had a knack for firing her up. when they were young, that was inspiring. his fire kept her afloat, alive even. but that's the thing about fire, it can get put down or set ablaze. he had enough gasoline in his hand, his dreams revolved around it. his dreams weren't quiet, they were demanding, symphonies of ambition and success. it was a habit he got when she met him all those years ago, from the fear of never being enough or never having enough. he fought earnestly for this and so he thought he deserved it. she believed he did, truly. no other person she ever met had climbed as high as he did, he fell, survived and still managed to climb even higher. she was proud of him yet he was far above the ground she stepped.

liya dreamed of the quiet hum of shared mornings, the warm sunset glowing on her window after a work day, the deep, stable blue of the night on a particularly mundane and peaceful life. it was easy to fall back into herself and into the reunion of them. her dream had already come true when they reconnected again. she'd fought for that dream with a silent ferocity that matched his bright one, making a safe harbor for both of them for a long period of time. but his confession crashed into the shore, reminding them of the unrecognizable island they fell victim to now. but it was in that moment of distant that she realized the true meaning of his words. he wasn't confessing his longing or a passion so deep it couldn't bear sharing. he was stating a claim. the past had scarred him with a possession he never got to exercise, and now, even as he emotionally left the room months ago, he still clung to it just as she did with their past selves.

the anger she felt initially dissolved, leaving only a vast, deep sadness. she understood, then, what they both needed. he needed to possess a dream which she could no longer be in. and she needed peace that he could no longer provide.

[rhiezus]

no one knows why some things work out and some things don't. // zyian x sobin

hope is never lost, not entirely. sobin is someone hopeful. you can even go as far as call her a dreamer. she appreciates thinking ahead and envisioning her future. and in her dreams there is an exaggeration of colors, they run as wild as her mind and as far as her thoughts can go. growing up that wasn't always her strongest trait, in fact this lead her to so many disappointments before. there is something outstanding in someone like sobin that is put down and choses relentlessly to keep going on. regardless of how many times she fell and how little people supported her, she wouldn't be standing here today if she didn't chose to keep believing in her dreams. and this determination was what made her so special from others. she didn't need to compare herself, to strive for someone she wasn't or to keep fighting for those who didn't understand her vision. you were either with her or without her and knowing her you wouldn't want to be the later.

there was never one single moment in her life where sobin doubted something she wanted or refuse to listen to her heart. she was obstinate in that sense. zyian was part of that dream and also her choice. she not only put the effort to chase him but she won him every single time, until she didn't anymore. did that dream cease to exist then? where did that determination went? perhaps she was too focused on her other dreams that she forgot this one. it wasn't possible. she was content with how much she tried and with everything they did. there was no possible explanation that she could muster to have failed their relationship, to have him come up with that lousy explanation. her expression changed from upset to utterly disappointed. "no, i think it was us." she searched for a reaction of him when she spoke up, probably way higher then she needed to. "we don't work. i don't know— we, you don't—" she wanted to say more, but she stopped in order to preserve him. it didn't make sense to fight when the battle was already lost.

sobin took a deep breath through one single overly dramatic tear that fell. they were in good terms for a few days now, the decision to end was done over the course of a few weeks, over conversations on the phone and hushed simplistic texts. the reality of it all hit her altogether last night before bed. it was time for them to talk, she wanted to understand zyian and wanted him to see him. maybe they were both just tired. life can do that to people. it wasn't their fault. they could sort it out like they did before, they just had to find that language again. but when she met him just a few hours ago, when he opened the door of his apartment and she let herself in, it felt strange, distant, off. he was still the same zyian but all the same not the one who was suppose to greet her with enthusiasm and kiss her with joy. she woke up too abruptly, it was like she was falling now, the ground was seen but it the contact was never made. she was scared of the abrupt stop, but desperately trying to reach it.

she had to recognize her own demeanor as well. she wasn't looking for a fight but she felt ready for one. zyian's cold shoulder and quiet acceptance of the end was unsettling. but it was unsettling because it was honest. he meant it and she knew that. maybe she just wanted someone to fight for her like she fought for her dreams, like she fought for him once. but it was already too late, he wasn't gonna do that and she didn't want him to do something he was never meant to be doing anyways. it was done, that was it. she knew why but if he didn't, she was never gonna be the one to tell him. "sorry, you're right. no one knows." her voice was soft now, kind even, she hated herself for how she was accepting the defeat. they tried and failed, that was that. in respect of what was left of their friendship, she stayed for a while longer talking about her life, asking about his, never once looking him directly in the eyes. she wondered if they were ever gonna talk like before again. probably not, a shame. she didn't only lose a dream, a partner, she lost part of herself that day. but most of all she mourned their bound, she mourned the loss of a friend.

[rhiezus]

❝ sometimes, i just need the world to be beautiful. i know how dark and ugly it can be but i just want to see something good and focus only on it for a few minutes. ❞ // essa eh pra vc u-chin x heather ela vai mudar teu mundo !

baggage weights you down. it gets to a point you can't make your head to look up because your head is so far buried into the ground. you watch your steps, stumbling up and down somewhere you don't even know where exactly. you slip up, fall, pick up the weight and keep on going. until you realize that the problem it's not on the journey you're so focused on but on how much you are carrying for so long. no matter the path you choose, if you don't make yourself ready you're never gonna meet the end of it. you're never gonna be satisfied with your results because you spent so much time suffering. but what about when you know it's heavy but you still can't put it down? when it becomes part of you, when you transform into someone so embittered and constrained that you turn away from everything else?

this form of self-flagellation is restricted to those who early on are called responsable, they are praised for their incredible way of being able to help everyone and so much so easily. that becomes part of who they are, which is also who u-chin is. regardless of how he grew, he choose to take the lead, to voice his concerns, to control the narrative around him and to forge a path on his terms. but that is not exactly how he lives. somehow, he is still in an emotional cage. one that he puts himself on in order to maintain his universe steady. there is a lot of faith on him to keep going and he must not stray. he must remain responsable and alert so he can keep giving voice to those who were victimized like he was once. this is beyond important to him. it is his purpose.

and along come someone with brightness ahead, someone he trusts, someone he loves and cares for. someone with so much to lose as much as him. someone who sees the world from far beyond his eyes has ever taken him. someone who sees him, maybe not completely but that does anyway. he takes heather hand into his and plants a soft hiss on the back of her palm, his smile is reflected on his lips as soon as her soft skin meets his lips. they are walking up this familiar path of his neighborhood in early morning, is isolated and calm, almost too much like it's taken out of a page of a fairy tale book since it's autumn and the leaves are falling down as they walk. her schedules is tight and his mind is closed on places he already know exit routes and the best hours to avoid eyes. it's hard to be recognized with ordinary clothes and scarves and hats covering their faces most of the time. it's beautiful and perfect to have her here anyway. it's a gift he doesn't take lightly. "you are the most beautiful thing out of this world, actually." he says it because he believes it, she outsmarts him and amazes him at the same time in a way he doesn't even feel deserved of.

they continue walking hand in hand, heather keeps bringing up her view of the world, she sounds just as in love with him as he is with her and it makes his heart beat faster and his breath become heavy. he stops his tracks for a moment, takes the back of her head in his hand and brings her face next to his so he can kiss the top of her head. he doesn't need words, the act says enough. his weight might be heavy, his body might be tense and his heart might be misplaced but his intentions are true and his love is genuine. and if heather knows him like he suspects she does then he doesn't need to hide his burdens anymore, just share it better. because the world is beautiful when people help people and show them how a path walked in two makes it easier to see it.

[rhiezus]

would you like a cup of tea before you go? // dino x steph

at the very start of every new season there is a feeling of hope that comes along with it. it might be in the gust of wind in autumn or in the sudden rain during summer, something changes and awakens you the feeling that time has passed. along with time comes the feeling of unexpected things that are being aligned with the universe. but there are some constants you ought to keep even as years pass and seasons change. not so you ought but so do you seek. it's important to you that this stays the same. if that's something or someone, either way it's up to you to keep it elevated in your life so it doesn't slip between the cracks of time. for every elaborated act of holding on there must be effort. dongyoung's grip on maintaining his mundane life is extraordinary to say the least. it takes more than just strength, it takes piece by piece of who he is to keep everyone satisfied. lately though, he is been feeling unable. not only is he not happy with what he is but he feels like the person who deserves the most love out of him is the least pleased.

the question on her lips, pulls dongyoung out of his misery and into her warmth. his eyes light up not only to look at her and read her expression but also to understand if she's comforting him out of care or pity. honestly, he doesn't care. either are welcome. it feels like a hug to be asked if he would like something, specially a cup of tea. yes, he would, does she need to even ask? does she know him? is he reading it too much? he probably is, he shouldn't be. he would never question her affection but she has every right to question his. this very train of thought sounds morally wrong and corrupt. he wants to sleep in her arms and forget about himself. instead he holds her kind eyes with a side smile, closes his own to not get lost again and says calmly: "yes, please."

his head then hits the sofa cushion, his body is tired and overwhelmed but he feels some sort of adrenaline as the smell of baby powder hits his nose. he is aware that the baby is sleeping because it's during those small moments of the day that he and stephane can hold a conversation for more than three minutes without being interrupted by responsibilities. although today they didn't talk, he slept on the couch for about two hours and he woke up with stephane reading by his side, the words of the book in front of her held all her concentration. he watched her in silence before speaking up, it felt as if anything he said might break the spell. as he watched her he realized he couldn't see what she was so interested in. she was way too smart, he always knew that. however he struggled with the fact that he might never see what she saw. eventually she gets caught doting her image and she smiles, she mentions the time and asks him if he'd like the a cup of tea and so he wonders alone as she goes to the kitchen.

even with his eyes closed he is not completely unaware, he listens her shifting in the kitchen, the sound of the stove on and the steps she takes. he imagines her and the thought alone makes him get up, go to her and see exactly what he picture. tha image in his mind demanded him there and so he is. dongyoung wraps his arms around her waist as she is turned back, he holds her close, feeling the scent of flowers, rain, musk, sweet honey... all seasons aligned, all the time of the world keeps them in place on that hug. it never changes, it evolves them. he feels himself growing not only in length but in soul. she is charging him. the timer goes off, she softly escapes from him. his shoulders slump, he drinks his tea and before he leaves he says i love you, i'll call you before you go to bed like he always does. later when he gets home, the lights are out and he realizes he didn't.

[rhiezus]

[ relax ] sender rests their head on receiver's shoulder while they talk // jun x hizhi

the atmosphere had clearly shifted. this one was almost palpable, if jun had the energy to put his palm up and try to reach for it he was almost sure he could feel something brushing against his skin. the air was dense and it wasn't just because they were in flying in a plane. they might have been a thousand feet up in the air, but to jun it was like they just been sent into space. all the air on his lunges got sucked out and he was floating in extraterrestrial territory, unknown land, he might be in serious danger if he even chose to move or dare to say anything. but he would never, he would take this to his grave as he took so many moments like this before, too close to his heart.

he had to work so hard to keep saying what he was saying, to not lose track of his words and demonstrate any change of his demeanor. because if he did so he would give away all his excitement which could lead to such thing never happening again for quite some time. he hoped his shoulder was a comfortable pillow, the best pillow actually, if it could be used as such more often. he could be turn into stone right now and he would be okay with it, as long as his stoned version was still useful to hizhi like he was now. "not everything have to be the way he thinks it should be. he is just used to because we trust him and we trust him for a reason..." he can't even remember why he was rambling about hyunki anymore, the guys were barely listening anyway, mad or even distracted in their own way. "that's just what i think, i don't know." and that's the way he ended most of his sentences when it required some sort of opinion, he didn't wanna put his hand of fire for being honest about something he indeed had no way of knowing. regardless, he was also too out of his mind now too to care anymore.

his body settled, comfortable, and pilkyu was saying something, billie was trying to reason with him, but none of it matter because hizhi chose him. actually, hizhi chose his shoulder to lay on, but it was still his, not any one of the guys here. he felt the way his body vibrated on his shoulder when he laughed about the way hyunki came back from the bathroom to the cabine of their first class plane, they all teased him for something, and jun laughed, sincerely because it was moments like this that he felt like they were the family they always had been. eventually, the teasing faded, everyone settling back into themselves, and hizhi relaxed further against him.

they had unspoken rules that always worked in their favor. one of them was this: jun took the window seat, hizhi the aisle. it had started on their very first flight together. jun couldn’t remember the destination, only that hizhi had been quiet that day, tense, nervous even from the van ride. jun hadn’t asked why. he’d simply said he preferred the window seat, and hizhi had switched with him without hesitation. and that was that.

later, hizhi once mentioned in an interview that jun loved window seats, he had bitten back the urge to correct him. he didn’t love them. he chose them, for him. they could sit with other members. sometimes they even did. but it was never quite like this. besides, they always ended up annoying everyone else anyway — talking across rows, leaning forward or back — until someone inevitably gave up and swapped seats. it was silly. jun knew that. but it was their way of being.

his thoughts drifted to all the other ways he’d go out of his way to make hizhi comfortable, far beyond just offering his shoulder. he would give everything. not just his body, but his whole soul.

he cares. he loves. he cares. he loves.

jun closed his eyes and let himself relax. he had been chosen today. somehow, he would be tomorrow too. and without ever saying it out loud, he would always choose him back the same way.

[rhiezus]

❝ was this not what you expected? ❞ // jun x shieun EU ESTOU CRIANDO UM TRIPLEX PRA ESSE MLK AGR

was that the best question to ask someone you just had sex with? jun seriously asked himself, which is why his chuckle came a little louder than he intended. the last thing he wanted now was to make shieun feel awkward or insecure about what he might say or do. still, over his experience with sleeping with people he had never been with someone as straightforward and possibly so cute as her. the room was barely lit now, his nightstand was the only thing that bore some light with the lamp on but it was dim. as he shifted to his side to look at her, he could see clearly where her mind began to race that question out of her mouth. he had an urge to lift his fingers up her cheek and rest his head on her shoulders, the intimacy of the act kind of stopped with from doing so and he choose to just smile and stroke her cheek pretending to catch a lock of hair out of place. "what makes you think so?" he truly wanted to know now. because despite his chill and shy personality, he thought he moaned and commanded her times enough to express his pleasure quite vividly.

being familiar with having sex with different people took longer than what jun would have expected, he wasn't so keen on the idea of having multiple partners at first and wondered why his friends do it so often. but at some point in time, after their group was settled making more success than they could ever keep up with, he suddenly had a need to release something off himself. it all began very drastically, his personality opened up and he was more confident, more extrovert and all the same, he enjoyed flirting, drinking, and just having fun with people. it was all new and exciting, sometimes a way for him to feel it and sometimes just because life seemed to demand him to mess around. c'mon, mess a round a little bit. he wanted to and he finally could, so as long as there was no harm done he was okay with making out with random people he felt attracted to. his first time wasn't anything out of the ordinary and things escalated pretty quickly after that, jun wasn't close to being the new casanova but things weren't uneventful for him.

strangely enough, though, it wasn't all that. he knew it was mostly meaningless and just him enjoying his youth to its fullest, but it wasn't fulfilling like music and dance were to him. it wasn't like he was trying to search for something more. love wasn't even a word on his mind. from a very young age, he knew his parents loved each other even though they never acted that way, but they couldn't love him all the same and so he wasn't sure why love was such a big deal. after all, if you're just about to love something why not life? or yourself? it isn't what you do in actions that truly matter? what does your heart have to do with anything other than beating and making sure you survive? jun is mature and smart to know that's probably out of trauma, but he also doesn't care to elaborate. he will work on it in therapy, god knows he spent quite some money on it and he actually finds it relaxing to have someone to talk about these kind of stuff. he might not be the most open person in the world, but that doesn't mean he doesn't have feelings to sort it out.

and shieun awakes some feelings in him, some of those messed up lovey things he swore to his therapist that he doesn't care about. it's the way she makes him laugh without trying, how stunning she looks and how she takes the words out of his mouth before he even has time to think them. it's out of ordinary, out of place, makes him feel livid and sometimes even nervous. that makes him want to spend more time with her, see her more, make her smile, make her feel just as she does him. "i'm sorry if i haven't say this yet..." he starts off, trying to clear his voice from it's rough tone of being used only to hum and moan a while ago. he must not think of the fact that he is still naked, laying by her side, although that in fact helps him to say what he does. it's like every layer is off, and there is only him, jun finally admitting that he does indeed care to love and to be loved. "but you're way more than what i ever expected." he hopes that his words fills his lack of being more affectionate, he will try though for the sake of keeping something so good and worth fighting for. "i like you, shieun." and he feels like a little boy saying that, so he hides his face on the crook of her neck and try to memorize her subtle laugh and the way her body cozy up next to him. it's nice, he might like her even more now.

[rhiezus]

❝ i know for a fact that you're special. i can feel it. ❞ // wankyun x billie

feeling destined to accomplish something is one thing, but actually succeeding at it it's another. how many people get to do what they were born to? how many people even get to know what that is? there is luck envolved, of course, but most of it comes from hard work and opportunity. not only billie was lucky but he also put in the effort and took every change he could get. it was not because he believed in himself, but because he should prove right the people who did.

to be here, in his own apartment with the person that he loved was already itself a chance of luck. to be privileged to be yourself, is probably the highest forms of gratifications one person can get. and wankyun makes him feel that. his family makes him feel that. his friends, his fans, everyone around him. if he can be special, if he can be good, happy or even anything ever is because he had that. he hand stretched his way made not only a path but forged the person he became, someone that he is proud to be.

regardless, the words wet his eyes in the same way they do whenever he thinks back to the little fragile boy he once was, the one who snuggled up to wankyun in the thin layer of the blanket during the night hoping for the warmth they barely had, grasping for the innocence still left in them, dreaming of hopeful days where they could be the people they believed in themselves to be. many turns later, billie cries whenever he thinks of the fact that they did indeed, despite the ups and lows, the turns and twists. it's another of one the thinks to not just be grateful about but to praise everyday. "thank you, i was lucky." he says honestly, pinching the bridge of his best friend's nose.

back then, was something he couldn't grasp and surviving it meant everything. now, when life finally fits, when breathing feels easier than it ever did. every version of himself that stumbled, doubted, endured and every one of them was meant to be seen and loved by wankyun. to have been here after all is its own kind of luck. to have been loved through becoming is something he treasures even more. if billie is here — if he is whole, and soft, and granted all this happiness — it's because wankyun is still here to and on the receiving end to have and be the same. not just the person both of them are now, but the boy they once were, the in-between versions that didn’t yet know they would make it.

“let me say this, though,” billie begins, eyes warm, steady. “you were always special, too.”

he was was always too precious to billie, above every single thing he put wankyun and most times to the disbelief of his friends. no one would ever get what made their connection so profound, but it was clear for him. it was always in the way they were able to see each other and love without conditions or a spectacle. wankyun became a part of him and taught him what love is by simply existing and being there. so when billie looks at him, he knows like nobody else do. if he himself became something good, something worth loving, it is because wankyun always was. because he saw him first. because he still does.

[rhiezus]

billie x wankyun + song

ordinary world by duran duran.

following vodka cranberry, i realized i wanted to talk about songs that i think my muses would associate with their own relationship other than just my personal view. i was watching a show from the 2000's when this song came on and i did a shazam because i realized i had listened to it a very long time ago, it brought me such nostalgia and i think billie might have felt similar. so when i put this song on his playlist i was thinking: he is so niche, he loves old rock alternative songs and this is so him. but then one day i was listening to this song while taking the train and i thought about it's meaning and it became something more to which now i invite you to discover with me.

Came in from a rainy Thursday on the avenue Thought I heard you talking softly I turned on the lights, the TV and the radio Still, I can't escape the ghost of you

love the soothing feeling this song has, it's like one of those songs that just stick with you and it's engraved in your memory forever. if i close my eyes while i listen to this song i can perfectly picture their childhood moments together. billie and wankyun riding in the swing, running in the park, teasing each other during lecture time, trading bed stories and gossips in bed at night time... it was trying and hard times but they were just kids. they saw the world as kids, they lived like kids. even though wankyun liked to be viewed as the wise and smarter one, he knew he was just doing that in order to survive. i think billie has such lived memories of those times, it comes to him in odd moments when he is doing something mundane he remembers of a certain special memory from the past and he is taken aback about how many night he longed to never forget and how he didn't.

when he got adopted and they got separated it felt inevitable but billie went back to see wankyun, until wankyun wasn't there anymore and nobody had news of him. that was his first heartbreak. he remembered that they had plans to run away together but they never follow through with it because billie was always scared. he had to come to terms alone that wankyun ran away alone and that hurt him. there was always a sadness following billie after that, he was never the same and it think that's haunting but also very understandable. he can't be ashamed and feel bad for receiving love, being accepted and try to adjust to a new life of privileged. but he is also allowed to mourn his childhood days and the loss of his childhood best friend.

even so he would imagine what wankyun might be doing while he was living life, if he managed to find any family, where he was sleeping, how he grew up and things like that. some times he would even forget wankyun completely and he would think it might have been a dream what they lived because it felt like a completely different life. other days he would actually dream about it and he would have long talks with his therapist about it. enough so to talk with his adoptive parents to try and find wankyun many times. until he focused on something else for his peace of him. he made new friends, became a treinee, got really into music and worked hard to not only keep that those memories of his mind but also live like he deserved to. that's where the lines connect with billie, living a mundane life thinking about how wankyun would sound, lighting up his life and still seeing him like a ghost from his past.

What has happened to it all? Crazy, some'd say Where is the life that I recognize? (Gone away)

while i was doing the dishes and listening to billie's playlist i was thinking about the happy moments he had on the years the followed up his adoption. he wasn't only an employee of keun's, he truly made him feel like he was his son and somewhere along the lines they became a family. they made him felt part of their life. they made time and ways to connect him. and it wasn't as easy as it sometimes i might make it seem. specially with everything billie lived in the orphanage and the memories of wankyun. there was a part of him that was always gonna be that sad little piano boy that first attracted keun's attention. his sorrow was forever attached to him. he just had to learn to live with it. and it helped him to realized everyone has something like that in themselves. nayoung was the first person to show him that being vulnerable is a very strong trait. there is a lot of complicated feelings that come with the fact that you're never had someplace to call home, a family to call yours. billie slowly untangled those feelings with the help of not only nayoung and keun, but everyone that came in the package, even his cousins. that's a different life, so that one that was back then, the one with wankyun felt totally unrecognizable. he is not the same anymore.

But I won't cry for yesterday, there's an ordinary world Somehow I have to find And as I try to make my way to the ordinary world I will learn to survive

so he won't cry for before, he won't cry for what he doesn't know that didn't happen. he accepted that sorrow inside him and it did made him stronger. which is why he could endure so much when he meet wankyun again because he knew it was only a matter of time and patience and he could do all those things for wankyun. like i said, there is something very beautiful on this song that i think speaks a lot too two childhood friends reconnecting. breaking apart, missing each other, trying to move on into the ordinary world and then finding what they so much longed for. it's also the fact that they survived. billie was so happy that wankyun was alive, despite not knowing everything he had to go through in order for it to happen, he was just so glad. and billie is a very grateful person, another reason why he didn't back down and why he accepted every single one of wankyun's feelings even if some of those might have come with resentment. nobody would understand what they had to do to survive, the people they had to become and what that meant.

there is a lot of hope that comes with it not only surviving but deciding the next step which is thriving. wankyun might have not been there yet when they reunited but billie would work for it because he knew it was worth it and he knew wankyun deserved just as much as happiness and peace as him.

Passion or coincidence once prompted you to say "Pride will tear us both apart" Well now, pride's gone out the window, 'cross the rooftops, run away Left me in the vacuum of my heart

damn with pride, that's exactly what billie's saying, he has none when it comes to wankyun. and people might call him crazy, stupid but they have no idea what's in his heart, what their story means. absolutely love the comparison of passion or coincidence because it speaks a lot from billie's perfect read of wankyun's feelings. what might be left for them? what do they actually felt for it each other? was it passion, loved, longing? or just shared coincidence of boys who happened to grew up in unfortunate circunstancies? would their pride stop them from figuring it out? if they had kept that pride up, maybe they might have never known what it was. i cannot, will not shut up about how this verse literally aludes to the fact that both of them where trying to keep their walls up, specially wankyun. looking at how they grew apart, how different things where for them now. yeeeet, billie gave in first and pride left them, ran away and they figure it out that it was truly passion. and that swapped them up, lifted their hearts, left a mark forever in their hearts.

What is happening to me? Crazy, some'd say Where is my friend when I need you most? (Gone away)

billie might have love, might have a family, might have friends, fame, fans... but he only has one wankyun.

Papers in the roadside tell of suffering and greed Fear today, forgot tomorrow Ooh, here beside the news of holy war and holy need Ours is just a little sorrowed talk (Just blown away)

exactly what i had said earlier, despite how life turned out for them, despite the grief inside of them of what they never had and what they lost. all that has happened has stopped and it doesn't compare to what they have, it can't compete to when they are together and to what they leave behind when they love each other like they do. it's like everything gets blown away. that sorrow that lives inside them it's just theirs, even if sad, even if haunted, even if miserable, it's what makes them unique and strong. and together they are pretty much indestructible. that's where billie whole persona come from though, from being a survivor, from being loved, grateful, beautifully broken.

Every world is my world (I will learn to survive) Any world is my world (I will learn to survive) Any world is my world Every world is my world

and that's their world even if shattered, complicated, unstable, hard, unmerciful. what billie waited for wankyun to realize it's that they can't fight this world, they may cry but in order to love and be loved, it's inevitable to accept and make peace with it. it's easier said than done, i get that, but it's not impossible and like i said he knew wankyun was capable and deserving of everything he was able to give him. now, i'm glad to say they are engaged to be married and the most beautiful thing in the world is the fact that they will be together forever like they always knew they would ever since they were kids. it really is their world and they did so much more than just survive.

[rhiezus]

andy x pilky + song

vodka cranberry by conan gray.

i was so excited for this. i've been waiting to talk about this song for about three weeks, so this is the perfect excuse. i was in the bus listening to this song when i went "wait, let me hear it again because i just realized something..." so here is the something i realized.

first of all, i love andy's playlist because he is such a cry baby and he loves all the sweet melodramatic songs you imagine a gay boy like himself listens to. he hears the same ones again and again, he cries to them, he puts them on the radio of his car (yes, he learned how to drive) and he also loves to be a fanboy. it's his job but also his personality, so obviously he enjoys songs such as this but let's dive into it.

You say we're fine, but your brown eyes Are green this time, so you've been crying It's in the way you say my name So quick, so straight, it sounds the same

i think it's safe to say this song talks about a period in time before andy knew he needed to break up with pilkyu. and it seemed like such an abrupt decision, nobody could understand his reasons specially not pilkyu because he viewed the relationship as something happy. well, pilkyu was happy, he had someone doting, admiring, loving to every single one of his needs. to a point that he expected it. he expected andy to keep doing that for god knows how long, i imagine that pilkyu must even see himself actually committing to andy forever during that period and although that it's what andy wanted, it did not felt right. because it wasn't for the noble reasons of what love is suppose to be. there was some affection, some version of love and appreciation but it was mostly for what he was provided. and i give kudos for andy for realizing he deserved to felt loved and cherished too. so when he hears him say his name, when he feels his touch, when he knows he needs it, it's like a cut to his self-being and it's adding up to his soul crushed spirit. was having andy in his life like a chore he had to perform in order to have what he wanted? maybe.

As the time we took a break February fourth through the sixteenth of May So strange to be back at your place Pretending like nothing has changed

now this ties a little bit of their story through time because they've known each other since children, but they didn't grew up together. they had been a lot of time apart where they became who they are. then they met again, got to know each other, got too attached real quick, broke things off really bad when pilkyu got andy sick. andy knew they weren't exclusive and they kept going back and forth during that time and part of him is responsable for everything too. but it felt like a punch in the gut when he got dragged through the mud, had to watch his career die because of it while all pilkyu got was a month in bed and a slap on the wrist. it's different industries facing the same circunstancies and andy doesn't blame that on anybody other than the bad homophobic man that manage and watch sports. however it's a bittersweet feeling that adds up to their complicated past and to his own feelings. he doesn't wanna feel guilty, he doesn't wanna hang that around their heads but he can't pretend it didn't happen like pilkyu so easily does. he keeps coming back and it's like pilkyu always expects him to but in order to be together he has to pretend nothing changed when it did, he did.

i'm also reminded of that short i wrote about when andy got drunk at an event part and pilkyu was there and took him back to his place where they lived together. i think about the long feelings and memories andy had as he woke up, the details that he noticed that remained or that pilkyu completely wiped away in order to remove andy from himself as he did it. like the couch from ikea, the magnets in the fridge or even the way pilkyu pretended or not that he didn't knew how andy liked his coffee. all the things that felt so strange and so distant but at the same time so distasteful to know. and the fact that andy had to keep a straight face, fight to the feeling of wanting to ask him to yell at him, to shove him, to leave him pass out drunk on the street because then at least he would've known a real feeling of pilkyu even if it was anger and hatred. caring him on his arm to their old apartment just to know how he was still living and teasing him in the morning like they were old pals was just worse, it was pretending all over again.

Speak up, I know you hate me Looked at your picture and cried like a baby Speak up, don't leave me waiting Got way too drunk off a vodka cranberry Called you up in the middle of the night Wailing like an imbecile If you won't end things, then I will

and that's exactly what i mean. i feel like all andy ever wanted was to know how pilkyu truly felt. if he wanted him to stay, perhaps got on his knees asked him way, called him, wrote him an angry text, sued him for using his name on a video, left him on the street to be mugged while passed out drunk or maybe just meant the fact that he loved him, that he missed him if he did at all. it's strange because all though he wanted some strong reaction, he also felt terrible for knowing that maybe he didn't love pilkyu right too if he so waited for something he knew he was not. that might have been the worst feeling ever too. if he wanted pilkyu to be someone else, to act differently than that probably wouldn't be the pilkyu he knew to love. it wouldn't feel right, genuine, sincere or even fair to ask that of him. and that's coming from a place of insecurity which is why he cries like a baby, why he looks up at every show pilkyu does every night and follows every fansite and has a chest full of his merch which he could never get himself to throw it all (it was way too expansive too).

the element of the vodka cranberry being something andy added into his routine, i also think it's crazy if you over analyze this as: yes, andy was growing as a person, becoming more recognized and doing different things but he was also inserting himself in the same scene as pilkyu, being extravagant, dressing himself better, going out, drinking... doing all of this things he never did because he wanted to but also because it got him closer to be the kind of person that pilkyu might see and love. and yes, that's insane to catch on. i don't think andy thought it like that and maybe he never will, i do though. i think part of andy was expecting pilkyu to see him, to be jealous and to act on it. and he did eventually which is why they got back together again. making himself more like pilkyu (which is the person pilkyu loves the most in the world) did make him get some kind of reaction even though it was never going to be what he might deserve as a person.

also the last phrase it's pretty self-explanatory, i wanted to point out too how truly brave andy was to admit he needed to end that relationship, we keep saying that but i want to explain why. beyond not being treated right, being pilkyu's housemaid-lover, he was also not where he wanted to be and who he knew he could be. and yes that meant being different and that meant getting drunk on vodka cranberry but it also meant taking a risk which turned out to be what he needed to make something meaningful with his life. despite that unconsciously being what pilkyu would've seen like i said, it was also something closer to who andy truly should be. and that person is more than a caring loving partner to someone, that is someone charismatic, upbeat, surprising, quick-witted, clever, cheerful, hilarious, quirky and so much than what a basketball court could have shown him to be.

Now I look dumb and you look mean You casually steal back your T-shirt And your Polo cap, yeah, I noticed that Yeah, I notice everything you do

took a break, had dinner, felt tired and now i'm determined to finish this writing from my phone laying in my bed. remembered we mentioned little things about their break up like i did on the short i wrote? among those things i mentioned how andy probably stole a few items of clothing from pilkyu's closet and he probably left some behind too, and it's a different kind of hurt for them to notice they are wearing each others clothes or just to find them still amongst their things. i coult totally make up a metaphor about how this is very much like their own selves, that are so tangled with one another that they barely know where one start and the other beings. i also recall just know how i mentioned that andy took some of pilkyu's traits to be noticed by him, which is funny because in reality that only brought him closer to himself. deciding to live life, to discover thing and so on and so forth made him so brave and so unforgiving. two things i think pilkyu saw too and admire more than he did before. it's odd, but unusually soothing.

worth mentioning too the i noticed everything you do phrase, because again i remind of the short and how everything about pilkyu is so engrave in his brain. all his traits, habits, choices, details... he is proud to be the person that knows him best and it's also cursed because it's by knowing him so well that he knows what he sees or doesn't, even if that's him, andy. which is very ironic, because you like i have too much hope for pilkyu as person and i like to think that's the andy in me who just hopes for the better even though he is content with the way he is. does he wish he would react more for him? yes, but that doesn't mean he doesn't love him for who he is and for what he already does, he just wishes for more and to have that he had to be better and maybe even pilkyu had to be too.

Since the time we took a break Everybody knows you don't love me the same So cruel to be lying to my face 'Cause I know what you're too scared to say, oh-oh-oh

poor andy just wanted a sign from pilkyu, i imagined he probably waited for weeks for something that told him he should've stayed. he would watch his phone for hours hoping for a call and the time he decided to call instead od waiting, pilkyu was sleepy on the other line and he felt worse for interrupting him from his sleep. it's also very sad to think he was so insecure in this relationship, dating the hottest idol right now (i mean who even was he) that he felt like an impostor, undeserving and out of place. was he someone pilkyu loved or settled to have? would pilkyu dump him eventually? could what they have be called love? could they even be friends if they didn't fuck? would they matured as people and develop a relationship based on trust and respect? maybe instead of asking all of those things he could have just say no and accept it.

but i love to know they didn't. because that wouldn't be andy and pilkyu at all. they are not anything if not two stubborn men who will always inevitably fight their way towards each other.

[rhiezus]

give me a minute to catch my breath. // ben x nicky. eles sao babilonicos

if you could predict your future, would you? a long time ago ben remembers playing that question out loud with his friends, that was before he went to south korea, before understood what it meant, before he was ben even. back then he was just the korean guy next door, mostly known as beni, that was when he lived with his grandparents and saw his mom only on the weekends when she was back from work. he used to spend hours playing outside with his friends, they used to came up with all sorts of different games and playing pretend was just one among his favorites. it would go like this: you choose a superpower and that power have to be able to beat the others that your friends choose, then you move along until someone is the most powerful of all. ben was good at that game, he always had a real fertile imagination. his dearest superpower had to be travelling into the future, he would pretend to see the lottery numbers and win a fortune, learn the cure for cancer and become important forever, save the world from it's doom and be the champion of the world — funny how he hadn't been able to do any of those yet. actually he couldn't even see past himself now. the reality had turned out much different. because if he had been able to predict his future like always hoped, then he would've chosen to meet nicky earlier and spent a lot of less time wishful thinking.

he plays the moment he meet her for the first time in his mind like it wasn't that long ago, she was at the bar at this particular party when someone in common introduced them. the first thing he noticed was her impressive atitude towards asking for a drink, then her gleaming laugh when they talked about nothing in particular. they shared a joint or maybe even more than one, he can't really tell because he was too engulfed in her stories. she told him something crazy about what she was doing there and before he realized he wanted to keep her company for longer than he anticipated. in fact, longer than he should have. nevertheless he enjoyed meeting her, they exchanged numbers and became friends after that. and by friends, ben means he tried his best to keep her part of his life somehow because with shows lining up back to back, busy schedules and insane workload from his end, it does become incredibly difficult to keep up with anything — especially his own girlfriend at the time.

well, he handled it the best he could've. at least he likes to think so or maybe that's just something he tells himself to keep a straight moral act. regardless the power of predicting his future with nicky would have come handy, no doubt. maybe it's better this way. because not even in his most wildest of imaginations could he have pictured what it would feel like to hold her in his arms, trace her body his with hands, to feel the rhythm of her breath against his lips or even the warmth of her tongue as they explore each other's mouths. it's like there is no time to waste, too much was lost before they got here. and now, the only thing it matters it's to kiss her like he always wished he would. finally, he doesn't have to just fathom what is it like — he knows. ben knows how it's like, and he can't get enough of it. he drops his hand onto the hotel room couch, then guides her body off his chest, strategically shifting her so she lays down beneath him. he has intention, every part of his feels like it's about to catch on fire that's when she pauses to breath.

it's an a stunning sight to see her so affected by their kisses, it only makes him long for more. there is another one of those brilliant laughs of her, the kind that rings on his ears and cause him to share the moment of giddiness with her. until he feels the heat rising in his chest. he lowers his lips to her smile, leaving a trail of pecks along her jaw, down her vibrating neck and to the sweetness of her collarbone. she smells like flowers and sugar, yet fresh like something he's never scented before. he could get drunk on that alone. "your minute is up." he says as a gentle touch of his hand guides her face back to his and their lips meet again in what’s about to become the best outcome no version of his imagined future could’ve ever predicted.

[rhiezus]

"Just… stop talking." 💋 // millie x britty pq elas namoram agora neh

it takes a lot to actually say what you mean to say, at least for the people who try to say only what matters. you can go days without uttering a word and looking back, millie thinks she mastered that when she was a part of a popular girl group. she wasn't in any way cast aside or unworthy of attention, it was just part of her personality to watch and absorve as much as possible instead of uttering words about something she didn't fully comprehend or made part of. millie wasn't particularly quiet, she remembered laughing a lot and saying a lot with her eyes and actions, somehow that was enough, that was quite the bond the five of them had built to be able to understand each other without much work. in spite of that there was still a lot of argument but millie was never in the center of any of those and for that she was thankful, she loved to watch it unfold and provide funny anecdotes and wise comments afterwards to ease the tension. it was as if everyone had a role, sometimes they were reversed, sometimes they divided to conquer but most of all they worked as a team and it made sense. but when you are performing for a role for so long, you do often forget how to go on your own. how to be multifaceted and not only play the role, but be that.

it's a matter of identity that you have to figure out alone, some people along the way might help but eventually that's something you gotta do it yourself. she will use this excuse to live carelessly through life now, to date whomever she wants, whenever she needs to, go any place she wants and do whatever she must do, as much as to talk as much as she feels like it. life is her stage, there is no preparation, only a lot of craving for anything that's possible and real. if there is one person she gets it now it's her brother, he was right all along. we truly aren't taking anything with us from this life, except maybe how glad we are to have been able to love and be loved back. when he said that, the gust of wind that passed her by made her whole body shiver even though the sun was still shinning above them, it was a strong reminder from someone who fights for the right to live to not waste her time. the fact that he was given a death date suddenly made him weirdly wise and an even worse pain in the ass, she shoved him and tried to pretend like she wasn't about to cry.

in that moment millie had the same wish as she did right about now, to be able to stop it and relieve it forever. she was about to say it to britty, how much she didn't want to stop talking because talking meant she found things interesting enough to be said and that was her whole pickup line. girls felt head over heels when millie mentioned that whole philosophy. it was the truth, she wouldn't have imagined how attractive that must have felt as she said it all out loud in drunk at midnight in a bar with a cute japanese girl she met. before she could give her grand finale, britty smiled, leaned in and told her to stop talking and like the damn obedient girl she was, she did as told so. it wasn't a surprise that her lips felt electric, a whole tingling sensation shot right through her mouth and traveled her whole body in anticipation and desire. her hands jumped to britty's waist, holding her as close as possible as her lips moved together in rhythm, trying to figure out how to exist in the same place together for as long as possible.

there was every words in those kisses, every reasons life was worth living and right then and there the argument was closed. it was decided. there was no fighting, no grunting, no need to yell or rebel, because that's what being loved felt like and what loving back is. meaning, life makes sense in britty's lips.

[rhiezus]

questions for vince: 15, 18, 35, 45, 50, 56.

15. does your oc prefer a wide circle of friends or a few close ones?

num nível de perspectiva real ele diria que prefere ter muitos amigos, porque além de útil ele pode estar sempre variando de cenários e vivendo coisas diferentes com pessoas diferentes. o vince não é uma pessoa que preza viver o estável, ele gosta de explorar formas diferentes de comunicação e ele tem muitos círculos de amizade formados durante anos de vida em muitos lugares por onde ele já passou e o que ele viveu. ele adora festa, adora social e deve ter pelo menos uns duzentos grupos de mensagem distintos com pessoas distintos e nichos distintos. o que, por muito tempo, fez ele se sentir sozinho por boa parte da sua vida adulta porque ele não tinha uma coisa sólida a quem confiar e passar suas preocupações, até por isso que ele não é necessariamente uma pessoa sincera. ele não sabe muito bem expressar suas dificuldades e seus opiniões de maneira clara, porque pra navegar em diversos lugares ele sempre se manteve neutro e em cima do muro pra tirar o melhor proveito da conversa e entender todos os lados. isso não significa que ele não é uma pessoa de morais e reflexões próprias, ele é, muito inclusive, e ele ainda ta aprendendo a liderar sua voz e discernir o que ele quer do que pode ser melhor pra todos. o que vendo agora é até irônico ter uma banda quase que com o nome dele, justamente por essa identidade distorcida e confusa dele mesmo. juntamente a isso, tem alguém que deseja ter pessoas próximas e formar conexões mais duradouras e intimas com elas, e é por isso também que o bowen, boonyi e chaerok são tão importantes na vida dele além de simples colegas de trabalho. compartilhar momentos, entender a mente um dos outros, estar presente, rir e chorar e tudo que eles vivem, esta fazendo ele entender o que é ter essa amizade imediata e porque isso é tão importante e tão valido na vida dele.

18. what are three neutral or morally gray traits your oc has?

shoot, excelente pergunta! como eu disse, realmente ele é uma pessoa de morais definidas, mesmo que de maneira mais interna. mas eu não acredito que elas sejam complexas ou difíceis de serem entendidas, na verdade eu acho até que o vince deve achar elas um pouco bobas e por isso ele não vive falando e colocando isso pra fora porque ele deve pensar "não é o obvio pra todo mundo?". e realmente até deve ser o caso, mas nem sempre. — nossa agora que eu percebi que eu li errado a pergunta kkkk abafa, mas só pra terminar a resposta do que não foi perguntando mas que eu estava dizendo, as morais do vince são viver um dia de cada vez, da melhor maneira possível. agora sobre seus traços mais neutros eu acho que eu já respondi, ele é uma pessoa em cima do muro, ele não gosta de tomar partidos precipitadamente, ele também é bem indeciso e tende a evitar conflitos de grandes escalas porque ele tem medo de confrontos. se a vida é um morango, por que deixar a azedar sem motivo, sabe?! se ele pudesse viver igual um pássaro, só voando por aí e cagando onde ele quisesse, pousando em fios de eletricidade sem a menor preocupação e podendo atravessar as nuvens, o vince seria um.

35. what’s your oc’s family like? who are they closest to — birth family or found family?

o vince nasceu na nova zelândia, ele é filho de pais chineses imigrantes e ele tem uma irmã mais nova chamada valerie que é cinco anos mais nova, eles sempre foram uma família muito tranquila e normal. o pai dele é professor de universidade (por isso ele se mudou com a esposa pra outro país logo depois que se casaram) e a mãe dele passou anos trabalhando em alguma grande empresa corporativa, até ela largar o emprego pra cuidar dos filhos porque o salário do marido deve ser bom pra sustentar todos eles. ou seja, ele teve uma vida bem confortável e dentro dos padrões, os pais dele encorajavam o vince a ser ele mesmo e buscar sempre aprender coisas novas e ter grandes ambições, por isso ele fez audição pra ong e quando ele passou ele se mudou sozinho pra coreia do sul sem saber coreano apenas com a mochila e um sonho. ele sempre soube que queria trabalhar com a música e inicialmente eles não eram muito a favor disso, mas eles mesmo assim deixaram o vince ter aula de canto quando criança e ele devia fazer parte do coral da escola, pagaram aula de violão e piano. e até hoje uma das memórias favoritas do vince foi quando o pai dele comprou um piano pra colocar na sala de casa, ele nunca foi muito a favor do vince aprender música, mas isso significou o mundo pro vince porque ele sabia que o pai dele gostava de ouvir ele tocar mesmo não apoiando totalmente o que ele queria fazer. no fim, eles ainda fizeram muito pra ele pois pegaram empréstimo pra mandar o vince pra coreia do sul, e ele ainda trabalhou part-time quando chegou pra poder se sustentar sozinho. aprendeu na raça toda a língua, a dançar, a cantar, tudo pra depois ter sua própria banda. juro nem ele acredita, as voltas que a vida dá. a família dele é muito orgulhosa de tudo que ele conquistou, e eles são muito queridos, ele deve tentar visitar eles pelo menos uma vez no ano e ficou muito feliz quando pode trazer todo mundo pra visitar a coreia. ou seja ele é ainda muito próximos deles e a melhor amiga dele sempre vai ser a sua irmã mais nova.

45. how does your oc handle money? are they a spender or saver?

acredito que ele prefere salvar mais do que gastar de maneira imprudente. ter dinheiro suficiente pra gastar com coisas caras ainda é uma novidade pro vince, de verdade, então ele não sabe exatamente o que fazer com o que ele ganha, por isso ele guarda a maior parte. lembra que eu falei que os pais dele fizeram empréstimo pra ele ir pra coreia? a primeira coisa que ele fez deve ter sido devolvido esse dinheiro pra eles, mesmo eles insistindo que não queriam, ele deve ter revertido esse valor em reforma pra casa deles, deve ter dado viagem pra eles e o restante salvado em uma poupança pra faculdade da irmã dele. isso era a prioridade, agora pra ele, não vejo o vince sendo uma pessoa que gosta de gastar com ele. claro, ele se veste bem e vive bem, mas ele não gosta de viver no luxo extremo. pra ele o que é simples serve, por isso ele continua amando comprar em brecho, em loja de antiguidades e feira. ainda faz parte de quem ele é e do que ele gosta de fazer. então ele é um cara econômico, mas ele sabe gastar bem no que ele precisa e no que ele sabe que é bom e necessário, sabe?! ou seja uma boa guitarra, uma jaqueta da diesel e um bom arquiteto pro seu apartamento.

50. what word would your oc use to describe themselves? what word would others use?

conhecendo ele acho que ele gostaria de que se descrever como alguém livre, como o pássaro que pousa nos fios elétricos que eu mencionei. ele amaria ser uma pessoa livre de tudo, de coisas materias, de preocupações, de ansiedades, de temores... só viver, sem se preocupar com o amanhã, só com o aqui e agora. se isso é verdade, é pouco provável que seja. porque a verdade é que, querendo ele ou não, ele é uma pessoa muito afável e que gosta de esta de possuir como qualquer outra. agora quanto aos outros, acredito que descreveriam o vince como um magnetismo silencioso, porque há algo nele que faz as pessoas quererem estar por perto. sendo gentil sem esforço, sua presença suaviza qualquer conversa e isso faz as pessoas se sentirem bem na presença dele. ou seja, mesmo que ele tente rejeitar a ideia de pertencer completamente a algo, faz com que ele pertença cada vez mais a mais pessoas e não porque ele se prendeu a elas, mas porque cada olhar, cada palavra, cada momento compartilhado foi um pedaço dele que ele foi espalhando por aí.

56. if your oc had to give a ted talk, what would it be about?

clichê mas provavelmente seria algo como a música é a melhor criação do homem. e não é só porque ele vive disso, mas porque realmente acalma a alma dele, faz parte de quem ele é e preenche cada espaço vazio que ele encontra na mente e coração dele. como isso moveu a vida dele pra lugares que ele jamais imaginou possível, fez ele conhecer as melhores pessoas da vida dele, fez ele se transformar diversas vezes em pessoas diferentes até ele finalmente encontrar sua voz, sua inspiração, sua vocação. e isso justamente através da música. que é algo tão essencial e especial pra ele que ele não seria capaz nem de completar suas próprias palavras, ele prefere deixar pra uma música (ha).

[rhiezus]

questions for semi: number 2, 12, 14, 31, 40, 64.

2. does your oc like traveling, or do they consider themselves more of a homebody?

ótima pergunta, eu acho que a semi é uma pessoa bem doméstica por si só, ela ama o país dela e a familiaridade de onde ela mora, das pessoas e da sua língua materna. entretanto ela aproveita bem as viagens que ela faz de vez em quando, ela deve planejar pelo menos uma viagem internacional por ano e sei que ela deve amar lugares pitorescos e cheios de história tipo roma, praga, cairo e até havana, ela provavelmente já visitou metade da europa e esta conhecendo a américa. certeza que ela tem foto em machu pichu, apesar dela não ser uma pessoa muito exploradora em viagens. ela gosta de ver os pontos mais conhecidos e tirar muitas fotos, curtir a vibe e ela provavelmente sempre anda preparada com dicionário da língua, mapa e até bussola porque deve morrer de medo que vai que o pior acontece e se ela se perder ou for roubada, pelo menos ela esta bem preparada pra qualquer situação. a semi deve ser uma ótima companhia pra viajar porque ela sabe tirar fotos e ela sempre planeja muito bem seus itinerários e tudo que ela quer fazer antes, apesar da grande maioria das viagens dela terem sido sozinha. mas ela não viaja só pra fora, quando ela tem um final de semana ou alguns dias de folga ela adora dirigir pra praia e curtir uns dias de sossego no interior. então em resumo, a semi é caseira, mas isso não quer dizer que ela não curta viajar, ela ama, mas sempre vai preferir ter um lugar no mundo pra chamar dela e poder ser ela mesma.

12. does your oc drink or smoke? is it regular, occasional, or rare?

que a semi é uma grande cachaceira isso todo mundo sabe, inclusive ela deve ser uma das pessoais mais divertidas pra se ter como companhia de bebida. ela domina os jogos de bebida, todas as musiquinhas, sabe fazer mistura de alcool muito bem e é uma ótima bartender, isso porque ela trabalhou desde cedo no restaurante dos pais dela e aprendeu muita coisa com os funcionários e clientes e chegou a servir muita mesa na sua época de escola e faculdade. ela tem uma tolerância muito boa pro alcool e raramente paga mico ou da pt, ela adora beber e se você pedir pra beber com ela depois do expediente em qualquer dia é extremamente raro ela negar. ela até conhece os melhores lugares perto do serviço, tem amizade com os donos e é sempre deixa ótimas gorjetas. inclusive um dos lugares favoritos dela de beber deve ser um karaoke perto da ong, consigo ver o office tendo praticamente uma sala reservada deles que eles vão sempre e a semi adora cantar e performar se divertindo com os colegas. e fumar pra ela é coisa de gente nojenta, não. mas destruir o fígado ta liberado, inclusive incentivado, se você não bebe muito vai ser difícil se enturmar com o office da ong, viu?!

14. does your oc have any pets?

não, mas não é por falta de vontade. ela sempre deve ter tido vontade de ter um, desde pequena, mas os pais dela trabalhavam muito e não tinham espaço pra um pet ainda mais cuidando de um restaurante, então ela cuidava dos gatos da rua e se contentava com isso. e depois que ela se mudou ela pesquisou muito pra adotar um cachorro, mas ela acabou se envolvendo muito no trabalho e ficou com dó de adotar um bichinho e não ter tempo pra ele. então ela visita aqueles cafés com pets sempre, e ela ainda continua cuidando de uns gatinhos de rua que aparecem as vezes. capaz de mais pra frente um deles só se alojar no apartamento dela e ela deixar.

31. is your oc prone to stress, or do they stay calm under pressure?

a semi adora trabalhar sob estresse, na verdade ela posterga as coisas que ela tem que fazer justamente porque ela sabe que ela vai conseguir entregar melhor quando o prazo estiver curto e ela tiver mais cobranças sobre aquilo. o que deve ser um inferno pro ygor e pra muita gente que trabalha com ela, mas no fim ela sempre da conta e entrega algo excelente e além de todas as expectativas toda vez, mesmo que em cima da hora. ela não se estressa sem necessidade, como eu já disse, ela trabalhava num restaurante pros pais dela, a bicha funciona bem demais em ambientes rápidos, porque ela tem um raciocínio ágil e é bem proativa. pra estressar a semi só com muita insistência e mesmo assim capaz de você levar um fecho inesquecível pro resto da vida que é pra aprender a não subestimar ela.

40. how does your oc express affection?

fazendo coisas simples que na verdade pra ela significam muito, atos de gentileza. a semi costuma ser muito parceira e ela deve ter muitos amigos, poucos próximos, mas ela o jeito dela de cuidar deles, visitar quando estão doentes, comprar lembrancinhas, mandar música que eles podem gostar de ouvir, lembrar o jeito que eles tomam café deles, perguntar sobre a familia e detalhes que eles contaram pra ela... tudo isso é o jeito dela de demonstrar afeto. isso não é diferente em relacionamentos amorosos ou familiares, ela gosta de cuidar da pessoa e estar atenta aos detalhes pra fazer a pessoa se sentir querida e especial ao lado dela e ela faz isso sem esperar reciprocidade, mas quando vem ai que ela se derrete mais ainda. a semi também é uma pessoa carinhosa, não grudenta, mas ela gosta de aconchego, cafuné, abraços, ela não liga de perder horas no telefone com quem ela ama e de passar o tempo fazendo alguma coisa nem que isso seja ir ao mercado comprar papel higiênico. resumindo ela é uma amiga pra toda hora, daquelas que te faz rir falando do dia dela e que fica do seu lado em qualquer discussão mesmo que você esteja errada, ela só é leal e compreensiva assim de natureza.

64. does your oc enjoy solitude, or do they need to be around others?

sinceramente, um pouco dos dois. a semi ama a vida social dela e isso faz parte de quem ela é e também esta atrelado a ela se sentir bem e amada e também de passar esse sentimento pra quem ela ama, mas ao mesmo tempo ela se sente extremamente feliz sozinha também. o conforto do sofá dela, com uma mascara facial relaxante, um bom filme e uma taça de vinho tinto fazem valer a pena cada momento da vida pra ela. pra ela é muito importante poder ter um tempo sozinha pra processar seu próximo passo, pra se entender, se amar e voltar mais centralizada e inspirada pro dia a dia. ela vive o trabalho dela e ama o que ela faz todos os dias, então por isso ela toma todas as medidas necessárias pra estar apta pra tudo, o tempo todo e isso é cansativo sim, por isso que se ela não tivesse igualmente tempo com a familia e amigos e também tempo sozinha, ela não seria capaz de entregar o que ela entrega. felizmente ela sabe muito bem equilibrar as coisas então a combinação pra ela de rotina saudável é saber quando é hora de estar com as pessoas e também a hora de estar sozinha.

[rhiezus]

✨ 65 QUESTIONS TO GET TO KNOW MY OC ✨

send as many as you want for the muse you and with the number and the + muse, in case you don't have one in mind just spin the wheel and surprise me.

✧ basics

1. does your oc have a driver’s license? can they drive/operate any automobiles/machinery besides cars? 2. does your oc like traveling, or do they consider themselves more of a homebody? 3. what are three of your oc's favorite hobbies? 4. does your oc have any tattoos? do they want any (more)? 5. what level of education has your oc most recently completed or is currently in? 6. does your oc play any instruments? what’s their skill level? 7. does your oc have any physical or mental disabilities? 8. what type of music does your oc like? do they listen often? 9. share three random facts about your oc that others may not know. 10. is your oc a light sleeper or a heavy sleeper? how are their sleeping habits? 11. does your oc know cpr? any other medical training or experience? 12. does your oc drink or smoke? is it regular, occasional, or rare? 13. what’s your oc’s favorite holiday? 14. does your oc have any pets? 15. does your oc prefer a wide circle of friends or a few close ones?

✧ background & history

16. what was your oc’s favorite subject in school? 17. where was your oc born? do they still live there? how do they feel about their birthplace? 18. what are three neutral or morally gray traits your oc has? 19. who or what is most important to your oc? 20. does your oc tend to prioritize family or friends? 21. how many languages does your oc speak? are they learning any? 22. has your oc ever seriously hurt someone — physically or emotionally? 23. when is your oc's birthday? how old are they? what are their sun, moon, and rising signs (if known)?

✧ tastes & routines

24. what is/are your oc's favorite food(s)? 25. is your oc better at cooking or baking? which do they prefer? 26. what does a typical breakfast look like for your oc? do they usually eat it? 27. what’s your oc’s go-to drink — coffee, tea, hot chocolate, something else? how do they take it? 28. what are your oc’s general life goals or dreams? 29. is your oc chatty or quiet? how do they behave in social settings? 30. is your oc a planner, or do they act on impulse? 31. is your oc prone to stress, or do they stay calm under pressure? 32. is your oc open-minded or stubborn? curious or content with what they know? 33. does your oc naturally attract people, or are they often left alone? 34. does your oc get sick easily?

✧ family & relationships

35. what’s your oc’s family like? who are they closest to — birth family or found family? 36. how does your oc usually dress? do they have a signature style? 37. is your oc religious or spiritual in any way? do they follow any traditions? 38. what does your oc's room look like? 39. is your oc tech-savvy or kind of hopeless with technology? 40. how does your oc express affection? 41. how does your oc handle failure or rejection? 42. what season or type of weather suits your oc best? 43. does your oc keep secrets? are they good at hiding them? 44. what’s something your oc deeply regrets? 45. how does your oc handle money? are they a spender or saver? 46. if your oc could live anywhere (real or fantasy), where would they go? 47. what’s your oc’s view on love — hopeful, jaded, idealistic, avoidant? 48. who does your oc trust the most? has that trust ever been broken? 49. what kind of dreams or nightmares does your oc tend to have? 50. what word would your oc use to describe themselves? what word would others use?

✧ emotions & inner world

51. what’s your oc’s love language (how they give and receive love)? 52. what are your oc’s signs of anxiety or nervousness? 53. what kind of people does your oc get along with best — and worst? 54. is your oc quick to forgive, or do they hold grudges? 55. what would emotionally break your oc — and what keeps them going? 56. if your oc had to give a ted talk, what would it be about? 57. how does your oc act when they’re in love? 58. is your oc book-smart, street-smart, or a bit of both? 59. what kind of humor does your oc have? 60. has your oc ever had their heart broken? 61. what does your oc’s handwriting look like? 62. if your oc had a motto or catchphrase, what would it be? 63. what’s one thing your oc wants people to know about them — and one thing they don’t want anyone to find out? 64. does your oc enjoy solitude, or do they need to be around others? 65. what’s your oc’s biggest dream — and what’s in the way of reaching it?

[rhiezus]

'' get some sleep. '' // heokyu x liya

living life — that's something that is supposed to be easy, natural. you go through stages of life as if you are leaving a task done and entering another. milestones achieved, dreams conquered. but it rarely counts the ones that are supposedly not reached, not finished, and the distance it grows when you realize they were left behind with no resolution. much can be said about that. philosophers might theorize. psychologists will try to explain. but ultimately, humanity must face that reality is uncertain all the time. maybe those desires are connected to something you worked for or just hoped would happen eventually, but somehow they never did, and you are left wondering, what if. it's universal and not necessarily sad. it's also human to move on, to continue living despite not fulfilling what you thought you might have. some people struggle to, others don't. and liya had to learn, like any other person, what was to be hers and what wasn't. sometimes it's an easy fit, like how she can't stand the pain of getting a tatto, she can never see herself keeping something so permanent on her body, so she naturally knows she will never get one. others are harder to come to terms with like working half your teenage life to be a pop star in a famous group and that ultimately not happening. and having to accept both as part of herself, her life, her journey.

it's complicated, she understands that. she is not someone who doesn't settle into her reality — quite the contrary, she likes to think she handles it well. her mother always used to say to others that nothing could upset liya, she just was one of those children that everything is okay. and that is true, she is not easily bothered by most things.

if it was not supposed to happen, then it's okay. liya had to believe that. part of her story, part of her personality was of someone who understood. someone who didn't necessarily have it figured out what life was pretending to show her but who did anyway.

however, some things you just don't leave behind. some dreams don't fade quietly. some people don't either. like him.

once upon a time, they barely made it — two ends of different spectrums within the same galaxy. they hovered around each other, not knowing when to collide or even if they would. somehow, someday, they aligned. liya was happy to know how heokyu was doing; at that time, she could spend hours hearing his voice, and it would come in words of affection and comfort. she wasn't sure if he was a token of the time and things she lost before the whole 7sins fiasco, or if he represented a path toward the elusive future ahead of them. it could have been both, either, she was grateful for.

but mostly, he understood her, like when she pretended she understood things when in fact she didn't, he noticed that. and did what he had in him to hold her hand and draw a better view of something in time and space for them. it's like there was a point, an objective, even if they were not sure what it was but it felt as though both of them were working towards it. but one hesitant step in the other direction — is that all it takes for it to not feel the same anymore? is it moving on from an unaccomplished road? or is it just choosing a different one?

regardless of trying to make sense of it, she had to move past — like she always did. there was no upsetting liya. she had to come to terms with it. someday, maybe. but not today. today she would sleep on it. she nodded her head as he said, "get some sleep", then accepted his forehead kiss like you accept a prayer from above and fell on the soft mattress. her body shivered as she placed the comforter on top of it. her eyelids, heavy with thought, shut completely. but she still heard his footsteps moving around her. she didn't have to see him to know him — even if far away. the sound of the shower running wasn't enough to soothe her to sleep like it did before. instead, she thought about home, and what it would mean to go back.