potatorice

rant/replost blogger [HEAVY TRIGGER WARNING] read at own risk

[ricedbread]

well. i think i officially lost a friend. i cut him off but then welcomed him back into my life despite my body throwing up my insides and my heart beating out of its chest every time he texts me, speaks or i see one of his posts. i don’t know what im latching on to. he doesn’t need me. he doesn’t think about me. he will probably forget about me in the next week. so why do i keep reaching out despite my body warning me to not go back? what is wrong with me? is it because i love him so much? even though he can’t even say it back? is it because im still holding onto memories and the things i wanted to do with him that he probably already forgot about, or found someone else to do them with?

he’s not the center of the world. get a grip. why can’t i get a grip. i’m so fucking disgusting.

[ricedbread]

my heart is so heavy where to i put all this unrequited love?

[ricedbread]

i want to be kissed so bad rn lmao

[mangosandwichs]

its doodles o clock. all mizurui (and a minomizu) (sorta)

[ruxxifystars]

i leo/need your heart?

[aryorl]

anhane wl2 !!

[ricedbread]

i feel like a very desperate person. i wait and wait and wait for people to text me back just to get no answer. i know it's because everyone has lives. i struggle to connect with humans, and i struggle to keep them around, especially after we become physically far apart. it even feels that sometimes i can't even connect with the ground and the rainfall and the pavement on the side of the road. i feel so disconnected, and i've been rushing to reconnect, to find my connection back to this life. it's harder because i don't remember what it was like to be present and alive, it felt like i've just been living to survive and not just live and be, and i struggle with everyday tasks because of this. because i'm desperate to live.

[ricedbread]

i’ve been thinking. my emotions have been pushing a lot of people away, the way i feel makes people feel heavy and uncomfortable. but maybe that’s a good thing, it gets rid of the bad people that can’t handle me, and who would rather be nonchalant with me, avoiding conflict and confrontation.

maybe being emotional is a good thing.

thank you to the people that have stayed.

[ricedbread]

unfortunately i cant kill myself because my body would already be rotting before someone comes looking for me

[ricedbread]

bro if i get one more long distance relationship reel im going to stop eating carbs

[ishvbro]

[evercelle]

brb gotta go commune with god

[heartorbit]

Quiet on set! 🎪

[ricedbread]

i should write again, it will be good for me. it has come to my attention that i don't really have anything interesting going on, as in i have nothing interesting to talk about and bring up in conversation. it's why i struggle with talking so much, well, that's one of the many reasons why. it seems like everyone has something they are facing, enjoying or going to do with friends and family, and i rarely have anything going on, and even so, i never get to bring that small thing up because it's so insignificant, or it goes unasked. it begs the question, am i boring? i mean, i literally have the social life of a hobbit, and i'm not even in my 20s yet. how is that even possible? all i have to talk about is my depression, and nobody wants to talk about that all the time, it drives people away. even depression drives away the person you love the most, not that they'd love me anyway.

whatever. i was alone from the start.

[ricedbread]

it’s 3am, i just woke up out of sleep with the urgency to pee. thinking about how i’ve never been held tenderly. my parents are not affectionate in that way, and even the hugs from my ma are cold, because we don’t have that connection due to the past. i haven’t seen any of my friends in months, and i don’t touch my friends, for id hate to break a boundary. i never felt safe with him so his comfort that was supposed to be comfort was not comfort but made me freeze. and it’s not like he as holding me, it was more like begging. so what is this intense feeling that my body craves even though ive never had it? it’s like having one parents and wanting to find the other. what is it, why is it, what is the point of it? if i’ve never been warm in someone’s arms, truly, then why do i feel so intensely cold? why can’t i be warm with myself?

[ricedbread]

[rsntwtu]