Knowing this is for the best. For the both of us hurts. I never realized that we lost ourselves being together. I always told myself different. Selfishly holding on to her for my own happiness. It’s crazy how losing someone really important to you can make you honestly reflect. All the problems I caused were not worth it. During our fights I forgot how to communicate to her. Ended up closing myself off as if I was an emotionless wall. She’s the one person who would’ve listened to me no matter how bad the problem was but again like how my other relationships fell apart. I wasn’t honest and didn’t leave a choice out there for her. Things probably should’ve been this way sooner.
Scared to communicate with the one person in the world who loved me for me. My feelings in general have been just so conflicted. I started feeling like I was living 2 different lives. 1 being truly happy with her and the other 1 having this insatiable desire to seek thrill. The thrill seeking side was me going through the stresses of my life without her. Whenever she’d leave my side. I talked to other girls who didn’t mean anything to me at all. At the time I just convinced myself that they did. Giving them power in my head when they don’t even know the real me. I convinced myself that it was fine talking to them because they talked to me about things I could never talk about with my now ex girlfriend. I mean she didn’t even give those topics the light of day. It really bothered me that she didn’t. I wish it didn’t but somehow it always did matter to me. That in itself manifested my thrill seeking side. Thinking back she told me all these things about how we wouldn’t even know what those other girls I would be talking to would be saying about us low key. Prob hoping for us to split or gossiping. I just couldn’t understand it and stop at the time.
My girlfriend at the time being the person I always looked forward to seeing made me forget about all my problems. The problem with that is when she leaves everything began to hit me all at once again. I didn’t even consider doing things with other friends or homies. When plans came up I adjusted to her schedule because that’s how in love I was with her. I didn’t value hanging out with anyone else or picking up more shifts at my job. I relied on her so much to keep me happy. Honesty with your person shouldn’t be so hard. I just made it. In my case, my girlfriend I proclaimed to have loved for 9 years. Who I told that I wanted to marry. Caught me cheating on multiple occasions on my phone. Talking to these other girls not telling her about it. Yeah, I didn’t do anything but just talk to them but that part of me became absent my relationship with her. In hindsight, my words to her didn’t match my actions. She felt it. She knows me better than anyone ever could.
By the end of the relationship I ended up becoming a really shady person. A person that I’m not proud of becoming. Doing what I done. I forgot what it meant to be her boyfriend. The little things which should just be natural. I became so selfish and only thought of my problems. I told myself that finishing school and getting a job would fix all of it. The future we planned would finally be obtainable and all our problems would go away with it! So I thought. Little did I know you were slowly drowning in all your own problems by yourself which you tried not to stress me with. I wish I could’ve been there for you.
Talking to my homies, family and my final talk with you made me realize that I shouldn’t keep things to myself. Doing that led me here where I’m at today, alone. I can honestly say that I lost the love of my life. Everyone tells me that I need to distract myself and focus on myself. Tbh I’ve been trying but it’s hard. Whenever my mind wanders it goes to her my so called me ex now. Reminds me how I won’t ever be hers and she mine. Thinking about whoever’s next in your life will give you the world that I couldn’t kills me. I can honestly say that I wish we could’ve grown old together. Living a life without you is so strange to me. I feel like I’m living someone else’s life.
If ever we run in to each other again I’d just like to say “Thank you for breaking up with me.” It’s a super bitter pill to swallow but we need to understand ourselves and regain our individuality. I know that it took a lot for you to make this decision. I will always respect you so much for doing that which I couldn’t. All the effort, love and support in this relationship you have given me. Made me the person I am today! I may have not have given you all that you gave me but I hope you know that no matter what happened I never looked at anyone the way I have you. I hope you could say I made you happy for atleast 7/9 years. Even losing myself at the end I want you to know that these past 9 years have been the best years of my life so far! You growing up with me saved me through so much trauma. Even made me laugh through so much of it. Whenever I think about myself truly happy I think about driving with you. Singing our fav songs to which ever destination we’re going! Tbh the prep time and car jam sess’s of ours were what I looked forward to the most!! You being so on key and me being so off key! Made the best duet of its time.
Even though I won’t be there for you like I have been. Just know that I’m rooting for you from a distance. I will always love you. No matter what. My feelings for you will never change. You’ll never mean any less to me but nothing more too. We can’t expect us to resume our relationship in the future. We’re not going to ever be these people again. Meaning we got to live our lives like we’ll never be together again. Isn’t that the whole point of us regaining our individuality?
- Value The Moment 💫
