I was born into a Muslim family. However, I find that I now feel comfortable with the label ârevertâ than anything else
I always saw Islam as something that was very backwards, dehumanizing, oppressive and abusive. Religion has always been pushed down my throat in the most negative and forceful way. If my family didnât like what I was doing/ I did something wrong, I was always told that Iâm going to hell, which was accompanied by a lot of emotional and physical abuse.
My relationship with God was non - existent. It was based on hatred and neglect. I contemplated the existence of God since the age of 9, I profoundly questioned Godâs intentions, whether he truly was as loving and kind as everyone made âhimâ out to be.
I always questioned his benevolence; why did he let me suffer? Why were there innocent civilians being killed? Why would people rape? Why would he let people be so ill-mannered; so toxic with impure intentions? How could he be as merciful as everyone made him out to be when the whole world is suffering.
For the longest time, my relationship with God and Islam itself was detrimental. Being brought up as âMuslimâ seemed wrong, inhumane and I honestly wanted nothing to do with it.
In RE lessons, we would learn about Islam and other religions, but I was so disinterested and hated learning about it. I knew what Islam was and it didnât intrigue me whatsoever in wanting to learn about it anymore. Nothing could convince me to want to be a Muslim, despite the beauty of the five pillars of Islam, which undeniably are so very gentle and lovingly encompassed.
I considered myself to be an atheist from around 11 to 14/15 years old, but I couldnât reveal that to my family/friends. I wouldnât even be able to imagine what would happen to me at home if I declared that I was no longer Muslim to my Muslim family and friends. So, I kept it to myself, which was the hardest thing ever.
Ramadhan would be the worst time of my life. It was Islam orientated. Evidently, something that I wasnât fond of. Iâd lie about praying, I wouldnât fast. I never read the Qurâan. It was a forceful chore, where I saw it as experiencing hell. Being exposed to family and friends who were so excited for Ramadhan was so difficult and I was constantly filled with rage because I couldnât relate. I couldnât find any positive elements of Islam. It was solely a religion of abuse in my eyes.
Around 15 years old, I forced myself to find some interest in Islam, and by that I mean tolerate Islam. For the sake of my family and wanting to be socially accepted by my friends, I considered myself to be agnostic; believing there is a higher being but with a lot of uncertainty. Solely for the sake to fit in. I tried, persevered and forced myself to try and understand other perspectives of Islam, ie. in the eyes of the education system, my family and friends. Deep inside, I still wasnât convinced.
But all I craved was human interaction in being able to relate and deeply within, I had yet to find a way to find a human connection with the beings around me.
Fast forward to just before my 16th birthday, I became friends with someone who changed my outlook on Islam and my life overallâŠ
Let me assure you that it truly was the best thing ever that has ever happened to me
I canât even emphasise on how much light this person is filled with.
They showed me a side to Islam that I have been longing to find. They showed me what Islam truly is and how Allah truly is the most compassionate, forgiving, merciful and loving.
They made being Muslim look so easy. They encompassed the art of being a Muslim; kind, generous, soft, warm, gentle.
When I started speaking to this person, despite knowing that theyâre Muslim. I was shocked and bewildered at the way the spoke of Islam.
I had never been exposed to Islam as a loving, caring, considerate, encompassing religion. But this friend of mine unintentionally directed me to the truth. It was as if, when they spoke about Islam, their face lit with nothing short of joy and enthusiasm for a religion that treated people with warmth, love and pure intentions.
Something that I had never been exposed to.
I didnât even remember how to pray or read the Qur'an. But something was telling me to take the time to seek knowledge about Islam, where I found myself typing and googling, seeking answers to the questions that Iâve never had answered.
And it struck me one day. I remember this day very vividly because itâs the first time I prayed after years.
I found myself watching YouTube videos, where Ali and Sumayah attempted to teach me how to pray, watching young children targetted videos on how to learn Arabic and constantly watching videos from the Merciful Servant, Prophets Path and many other incredible, useful videos that had helped steer me to the right path.
I cried and cried and cried. I pleaded guilty to Allah. I was ashamed of myself. And then it hit me, that for the longest time, I was a kaffir because Islam never was taught to me with kindness. It was a lifestyle where making mistakes would assure me that I would have never been able to set my foot in heaven.
I donât speak to this person anymore but I have nothing but warmth and enthusiasm when I think of them. Â I only want what is best for them and I pray that Allah keeps them close to him. This person truly deserves the world and not only because they most definitely fixed mine.
Ever since the day I started âpractisingâ, ie. attempting to fulfil the bare minimum. I have never been able to see Islam in any other way that the most humble, loving, pure religion that it is.
I pray that the most merciful elevates your imaan, brings you close to him, grants you jannatul firdaus and keeps you amongst those who are humble, loving, kind, soft, generous with pure intentions. Allahumma ameen!
