i wrote the inaugural address of this show earlier this year on substack. i’ve been procrastinating putting out its first installment. ironically enough this was supposed to be an expression of my willingness to do hard things in order to bring myself closer to the expansiveness of my existence. it’s rough and for the most part unedited but it’s out there.
moving in silence, when you want to be heard
chamomile peppermint, does ashwanghanda work? is it strong enough to free the anxiety in my body?
i’m so obsessed with perfection with the upmost optimization that i silence myself before i lead by example.
for a while the initial inspiration motivation movement forward was an invitation. like most things in my life i feel better about it when it is asked of me. what is asked of me began to conflict with who i didn’t know myself to be just yet albeit knew this person was present. i go back and forth and deny myself. for a while i didn’t think i had anything to say. expressing myself has to have this major purpose for me otherwise what’s the point in sharing myself with other people.
i feel that without being to privy to it there’s an immense strength and exploration that occurs relative to that of another person. something within a connection connects you to some aspect of yourself. the vagueness of this phenomenon, its specificity its uniqueness inhabits itself in the subtleties of our innocence. our mundanity. my shayla whatever that means. i am afraid of getting to know myself. i never get really far, i’m surprised at how much i actually know, i’m always confused about who i am and what i want a enough to declare this part of my life, which is only the beginning, a crisis. i’m afraid of vulnerability not looking good on me.
there’s so much to learn, and i want to be seen as right, even if it is wrong. i want to make sense to people. don’t misunderstand me, blinking, in my body language. not everyone possesses a soft stomach.
i’ve been given the task to be myself in this life. quite the feat. in this quest of confidence… it seems like i have to fight that much more for everything i want in this lifetime. to be me that’s not it i’m still figuring out what i’m fighting for there’s mysteries that lie in this question of confidence.
succumb to self loathing and fussiness around a lack of direction with such clear vision times like this im grateful for my jupiterian influence. the wisdom and innocence. as i like it, i forget and it’s infuriating fairness life isn’t fair. but you’re not defeated. fairness doesn’t exist. only chaos.
where does destiny exist in that? moments so random that the sheer tangible possibility is something to revel in the fact i’m conscious or was conscious and wrote this sentence.
self compassion, what does that mean to me rather what does it look like? how do i care for myself long time? Truly reveling the body i’ve been born into. sometimes that looks like rotting, decay. anxiety driven depressive episodes where the evil of confusion confuses you to where you are only a reflection of all you were and wanted to be. feeling good is realizing in what ways resistance is helping you.
there will be signs and what if i lived life the way i perceive my best self rather than how i want people to perceive me? the obsession with how i’m perceived and basing my comfortability on how comfortable i make everyone else feel. i wonder why it isn’t easy to cater to myself. catering to others brings me joy or at least used to. an over-identification with this aspect of myself left me no choice but to resent it. i resent everyone else for putting my themselves first.
thinking about death. i fear it not the end or endings rather but not having enough time to say all that needed to be say or do what needed to be done. there’s been many a time where i’ve felt this profound emptiness that barred me from living life. lord forgive me for how i used my time trying to be anywhere but here. there’s been times where i thought not feeling was the gift death would give me. i’m so terrified of not death but a life unfulfilled. leading a life that wasn’t mine to live, i pray that i’m successful. in the black, there’s a goal to reach in this experience that can be wasted on your mortality, in the white everything is to be gained, in the truth in the reality the gray the mute none of that matters but feeling experiencing breadth of life’s force, oneness of love. it’s quite boundless a concept i’m only really able to contextualize within jupiter and saturn, they often dictate these decisions that either lead me elsewhere forward i presume, or in loop.
thinking about repression and how visible excitement and embarrassment feel the same to me…. to the point of doing something to minimize the feeling like downplaying a clear achievement or not really being able to see the achievement as such. or being afraid to admit i like something.
i spend so much time thinking, trying to make sense of everything, trying to reason, reason with chaos. it’s not until this moment (waiting on a train to another state) that i delved into a new dimension of free will’s meaning. When a girl feels good there will be signs.
boundaries unlocking boundlessness in relationships, intimacy, with within and without in othered and in self. structure is boundless. i’m at a crossroads marrying the child i ounce was with this new entity i’m trying on, trying to embody. Evidently in this process of embodiment theres this relization that it is continuous. i will continuously shed and adorn and shed. Just to find out i didn’t know what i thought i knew.
i’ve always wanted to be exceptional…so i must act even if i can’t see my feet. i must act even if i may not be able to grasp you. i must act even if i become self elusive. through oxymoronic means my loss is my gain.
thank you for watching. i’m sorry if you didn’t comprehend, i think you should be too. much love,
p.s. in the process of making this my Pinterest account got suspended. although i dreamt of a new version of myself on there, i feel free knowing i might not get it back.