rin russel

they can keep their heaven. when i die, i'd sooner go to middle earth

[rinrussel]

i have a slight hyperfixation on religion, and you don’t know me well if you think i’ve never imagined emmrich as a catholic priest

this is what keeps me up at night

more than that my rook is red-haired and green-eyed. and canonically a mage. and lives in the woods

so... it’s literally the inquisitor and witch trope

heavy sigh god help me

[rinrussel]

some random things from my theatre au that just make sense:

emmrich has a mug with dancing skeletons in silly old-fashioned hats. a present from a young actor about ten years ago. and he still actually uses it

tian keeps stubbornly trying to secretly vape inside the theatre because going outside is, apparently, too much work

all the actors bring their own water bottles to rehearsals, and yet they constantly get mixed up and someone is always drinking from the wrong one. and it’s such a baseline situation by now that no one even reacts anymore

tian shows off his vocal abilities by performing tiktok hits

emmrich is incredibly good at dramatic eye-rolling

[rinrussel]

"but bro… i don't think it's a joke anymore" i can say, because my emmrook theatre au has already reached 2k words and i keep getting more and more obsessed with it by the day

i mean yes i was really into musicals as a teenager. i went to the theatre a lot, attended fan meetings with actors, was pretty deep into the russian theatre scene, etc etc

but oh my god? that was over five years ago???

and i was not prepared for this ancient hyperfixation to rise from the dead and grab me by the throat again

[rinrussel]

i still haven’t let go of the idea of theatre au for emmrook. so i gave in. started doing some research for a fic

and you know what?

i think emmrich would like chekhov i think "the cherry orchard" is an extremely emmrich-coded thing

the fading. time slipping away. change you can’t stop. a future that’s unclear — some people wait for it with hope, others are terrified of it

it’s just… i mean that’s literally him

and also — the way "the cherry orchard" hits even harder when you remember it was chekhov’s last play. he died a year after finishing it

so... yeah

emmrich would love "the cherry orchard" and i will die on this hill

[rinrussel]

i need to talk about this

my favorite russian artist dropped a new track for valentine’s day, and its cover has insane emmrook vibes for me, i'm so-

i can’t unsee it i can’t unfeel it

and it might explain why this song has been #1 on my “on repeat” spotify playlist since mid-february

[rinrussel]

…okay, sudden return to fandom after a long break, but what if emmrook + theatre aesthetics?

what if emmrich is a successful, well-known theatre director? mid-40s. tall, composed, going gray. always frowning a little. loose blazers, turtlenecks, thin metal glasses. and a habit of adjusting them whenever something isn’t right during rehearsals

what if rook is a young actor, fresh out of drama school? a bit naive, but stubborn. full of hope. they admire emmrich. dream of working with him. and when they somehow land a minor role in one of his productions… they can’t quite believe it

what if it starts formal. strictly professional. but slowly — bit by bit — it turns into something else?

emmrich is a perfectionist, obsessed with making everything in his productions flawless, and he spends a lot of time on rook. correcting them. guiding them. showing them how things should be done. but over time, the way he addresses them softens. hands adjusting their posture linger a second too long. his gaze, when he watches them on stage, stops being just professional. and conversations that once revolved around work slowly drift into something more personal

and all of this — surrounded by the backstage world of the theatre.

empty stage in the mornings. cramped dressing rooms that are always a mess. actors running on no sleep, drinking coffee in narrow hallways. sharp calls interrupting a scene because someone missed a line, someone didn’t make it believable enough. smoking out back in costume and makeup. memorizing lines at 2am

god damn this is so good it hurts

i want to turn this into a fanfic, oh no

[rinrussel]

writing is pain especially when you write fantasy, are a little obsessed with worldbuilding, and genuinely love stuffing everything with tiny details

one of my original characters has a birthday in late november, so i thought it would be a good excuse to write a small story about him. and i even came up with three ideas

but

for the first one, i need to research a whole bunch of information about different flowers and how to take care of them

for the second one, i need to invent several stars and constellations for my setting — and a fairy tale that would help kids remember their names and positions in the sky

and the third one… that one doesn’t require anything special. but it’ll definitely be the longest, and i have neither the energy (autumn GAD flare-up ate all my internal resources) nor the time left before the character’s birthday.

god damn it

[rinrussel]

...okay, but what if — emmrook as my favorite russian songs?

pyrokinesis and “to heaven — only after you, to hell — only before you”

green apelsin and “i may be younger and only reach your shoulder, but i’m your most fearsome, ruinous storm in this world”

монеточка and “i smell like the fear of meeting your eyes, like years of searching for words and never saying them”

немного нервно and “you are always sitting at the foot of my bed — beautiful, but ghostly; ghostly, but alive”

элли на маковом поле and “my love has always cost me dearly — a knife pressed to my throat; not painful yet, but terrifying to breathe out”

лампабикт and “for a few hours i’m a color-blind lover, seeing only the shades of love”

[rinrussel]

i finished my third emmrook fic in early september, and since then i can’t start a new one — even though i have two ideas i really like. i don’t know when i’ll have energy to actually write again, but i still want to share them in some form so

things i hope to write when my mental state becomes a little more stable, and work becomes a little calmer:

a story about emmrook spending time by the sea in rivain

timeline: somewhere between the siege of weisshaupt and fire and ice, before the kiss in the memorial gardens context: the lords of fortune ask for help with the antaam. tian brings emmrich and harding. when it’s over, harding stays in the hall of valor, and tian invites emmrich for a walk before they return to the lighthouse. they stumble upon a tiny wild beach genres: slice of life, romance

i want it to be light and peaceful, “brief moment of calm in the middle of chaos” vibe

tian is fascinated by the unusual pebbles on the shore, and emmrich explains why some stones look the way they do (white stripes are cracks filled with mineral deposits; green traces come from algae; and so on). maybe they try to find a seashell together. by evening, the wind brings storm clouds from the sea, and sudden rain starts. tian and emmrich run for cover — maybe into some nearby ancient ruins. emmrich holds his cloak over their heads so they won’t get soaked (it doesn’t help). after hiding under an archway, they catch their breath and laugh

bonus #1: emmrich’s hair gets messy from running in the rain bonus #2: the archway is narrow, and tian gets flustered by how close they have to stand

a moment i can picture very vividly: tian finds a dark stone streaked with red. it reminds him of blight-veins in the hossberg wetlands. his expression tightens; he turns it in his hand for a few seconds — and then throws it far into the sea

a story about emmrook’s first autumn together in nevarra, when tian has a ptsd flare-up

timeline: post-canon, about a year after the ending of datv context: my headcanon is that after davrin’s death, solas’ two betrayals, the prison of regrets, varric’s death, and the final battle with elgar’nan and ghilan’nain, tian develops severe ptsd. he and emmrich move in together and start living in emmrich’s house in nevarra (my last fanfic was actually about that) genres: angst, hurt/comfort, slice of life, romance

this story is meant to be painful and raw, with the leitmotif that sometimes victory comes at too high a price, and sometimes a heroic act breaks the hero

autumn comes to nevarra with rain and fog — and brings anxiety, sorrow, panic attacks, intrusive memories, and dissociation into tian’s life. and flashbacks with no warning. sometimes, for no obvious reason, he suddenly feels as if he is still in the prison of regrets — and that emmrich, manfred, and his whole life in nevarra are just another illusion of the fade. tian starts having nightmares again and feels guilty toward emmrich for not being normal. guilty for falling apart.

emmrich helps him through it — steady arms during breakdowns, soft words during derealization, gentle presence instead of pressure. pain and tenderness, side by side

this whole idea came from one emmrich's line that hit me out of nowhere: “darling, you are looking at me as though you fear i might disappear” i imagined tian staring back at him — frightened, exhausted — then turning away without answering, because he is afraid. because part of him believes he might be losing his mind

i know that writing this fic would be both healing and damaging at the same time. i’m not sure i’m ready for it. but someday, i want to try

i’ve got a few more ideas floating around, but these two are the big ones. writing this post kinda made me see them from a new angle — and now i love them even more so yeah. i really, really hope i’ll actually get to make something out of them they deserve that much

(and you know... the longer i think about the second idea, the more i’m convinced that studying russian classical literature in school permanently altered my brain chemistry. i don’t think there’s a cure)

[rinrussel]

me: okay, datv replay #4, i swear i’ll finally romance lucanis this time emmrich: *appears* me: god PLEASE stop testing me like this. i am NOT strong enough—

[rinrussel]

one thing from dai i desperately miss in datv is the ability to kiss your partner whenever you want. i really loved those little kiss cutscenes in skyhold. firstly, they reflected the dynamic and aesthetic of each romance really well. secondly, they were just incredibly sweet, even if short. i remember that every time i returned to skyhold, the first thing i did was send my inquisitor trevelyan to kiss josephine. it was my own little ritual, a part of roleplay that made the world feel alive

and i often think about what kiss cutscenes with emmrich at the lighthouse could look like... i have a few favorite ideas

a kiss on emmrich’s balcony before kissing rook, emmrich wraps arm around their waist, pulls them closer, and brushes a fingertip along their cheek (i'm sorry, this gesture is my personal obsession — i genuinely believe nothing in the world could be more tender). there are endless softness in his eyes and endless care in the way he moves. warm daylight falls beautifully over them. they smile. and for those few seconds, nothing and no one else exists — just them

a kiss by the bookcase, in the staircase’s shadow emmrich presses rook back against the shelves — not roughly, but gently and carefully — resting one hand on the bookcase just above their head as he leans in. the falling shadow of the spiral staircase makes the whole scene feel very intimate. the only light comes from the fire behind him, golden and warm, outlining their faces. for a few heartbeats, they simply look into each other’s eyes, and it feels like the world has paused

a kiss at the writing desk rook comes up to emmrich while he’s writing something, bracing their hip against the edge of the desk beside him. he looks up from his papers, stands, and steps toward them. first, he kisses their hand — and only after rook arches their brow or gives him a meaningful little smirk, he slips an arm around their waist and leans in for their lips. at the end of the scene, as the screen begins to fade to black, rook settles onto the desk, emmrich leans in closer — and the kiss deepens

i thought about other places at the lighthouse (the common lounge, the balcony with the statues above the entrance) but honestly, i think emmrich probably wouldn’t feel comfortable kissing rook somewhere they could accidentally be seen. so... yeah

[rinrussel]

time keeps passing and i still can’t decide which faction makes emmrich’s romance more appealing to me

when i was planning to romance him for the first time, i decided to make rook a veil jumper. purely for aesthetic contrast. earth and stone, light and darkness, life and death. you know the vibe. because i’m weak for “opposites attract” trope, even if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. besides, tian and emmrich still had common ground (emmrich loves flowers, and tian is drawn to complex, unusual magic), and it was beautiful. they’re polar opposites in every possible way, but somehow always find something to talk about

i’m incredibly soft about all my headcanons of their slow burn — about how they gradually learn the peculiarities of each other’s lifestyles: emmrich learning about travels and daily life in a dalish clan, and tian learning about mourn watch rituals and life in the necropolis

when i write fanfics about them, i love playing up the difference in their life experience and social status at the time they meet. emmrich is comfort, order, stability, social respect, and a life of plenty (yes, i know he grew up in poverty — i mean the version of him we actually meet in the game). tian, meanwhile, is the endless road, rootlessness, alienation, and the world’s hostility outside his clan. in my last text i used a comparison with an old tree with roots sunk deep into the ground and a tumbleweed

and i really do love that kind of dynamic but

at some point i got curious about how romance between emmrich and a mourn watch rook would look, so i made an “alternate tian” — teyn ingellvar

and damn, i ended up liking it a lot. more than i expected

because among the companions, not everyone is comfy with the mourn watch — some are scared, some just side-eye all the necromancy stuff. so emmrich and teyn, who immediately jump into these deep metaphysical conversations, are a bit like “two people against the whole world”. they get each other. they speak the same language. they have shared context and shared experience, and it connects them instantly in a way nothing else can. emmrich is delighted to talk about spirits and magic without having to dumb anything down, and teyn is genuinely excited to hear news from nevarra — cracking jokes about king markus and ranting about how no one seems to understand the difference between the mourn watch and the mortalitasi

there’s so much warmth and weirdly specific humor in their shared-faction moments — the kind only they would laugh at (like the possibility of hauling off some ancient corpse to the necropolis). they’re basically two nerds who found each other. it’s adorable. their conversations are full of life and lightness, full of mutual understanding from half a word — and that’s incredibly charming (and an excellent foundation for romance)

so now i genuinely have no idea which dynamic i love more. both are good. each has its own charm

i guess the real takeaway is: emmrich is just an amazing character, and his romance simply works — no matter the starting conditions

[rinrussel]

currently fighting the overwhelming urge to learn video editing just to make emmrook edits to underground russian music you probably never heard of because some lyrics... yeah, some lyrics

the trees grow from the ground up your hunger has fallen asleep, like a beast i hide my face in my palms you deny death your eye sockets are full of mist but I still recognize you and listen to you like to music pressed against my temple немного нервно — колыбельная на одной струне

i was looking for you, checking every store the counters kept the scent of your warm laughter and dry wine i suspected everyone of stealing you, even the cashiers they could’ve also looked into your glassy, empty eyes driven mad, i rush after every passerby with hair the color of rye and wrists only slightly like yours a few days later, from the cracks in the ceiling, i piece together your face i was looking for you in every damn line where are you? элли на маковом поле, лампабикт — где ты?

the world around is so cruel, and i’m cruel too but while I’m with you, i’m not afraid to step into the dark there, the trees are in bloom, the fields are scarlet that’s where love lives, yours and mine элли на маковом поле — давай уедем

maybe it’s a knock on the window, or maybe just a sound year twenty-five, the twenty-fifth circle your accidental glance, my mute fright i speak out of turn, and fall silent out of turn even my breathing is off-beat ключевое слово — когда вы смотрите на меня

[rinrussel]

seaside vacation brings the most unexpected kind of inspiration

now i want to write emmrook fic about them spending a day by the shore maybe somewhere in rivain? no plot, just... collecting shells and pretty pebbles, sitting on sun-warmed rocks, watching the waves roll in one after another by evening the wind brings dark clouds, and a sudden rain starts. they have to run for shelter, and emmrich pulling his cloak over both their heads

i think i know how i’ll be spending the rest of my vacation once i’m back in st. petersburg

[rinrussel]

i figured that maybe four hours on a plane without internet access were given to me for a reason, so i finally decided to write down all my thoughts about emmrich and his lichdom (i’ve been sitting on these thoughts for a year now, since the game came out)

firstly, i just don’t understand why the game even lets you continue romance with emmrich if he becomes a lich

to me, that goes against the entire concept of lichdom

the lich lord in the necropolis explained that refusing to bring manfred back was a necessary step, because liches, as immortal beings, constantly face death and must never make exceptions for anyone — otherwise they risk abusing their immense power

and i always felt that his words wasn’t just about manfred. it was about attachment in general. because deep emotional bonds are the biggest temptation of all

and what bond could be stronger than love?

especially when we know how emmrich loves rook. they’re love of his life — love he’s been waiting and dreaming about for years. his confession before the final battle absolutely breaks my heart — it’s so tender, so sincere

so why is his almost parental attachment to manfred considered a problem, but his love for rook isn’t? it’s obviously much stronger

it just doesn’t make sense to me

i think even if emmrich gets the chance to go through the ritual, he shouldn’t succeed

we were told that every soul goes through some kind of final test before becoming a lich — we never learn exactly what it is (thanks, datv, for explaining nothing), but it feels logical to me that it would test one’s detachment and ability to be fair and impartial as a lich

and emmrich, who loves rook so deeply, just wouldn’t pass it. or he’d have to give up his relationship with rook before the ritual, just like he had to give up the idea of bringing manfred back. otherwise, the whole point of that sacrifice becomes meaningless

because what’s the guarantee that later, when rook dies, emmrich wouldn’t try to bring them back? and as a lich, he wouldn’t even need permission or help to do it

i’m not saying he would. i’m saying the possibility exists — and it feels odd for the lich lords to ignore that

secondly, i can’t shake the feeling that emmrich doesn’t fully understand how much lichdom would actually change him

and i don’t mean becoming a skeleton with glowing eyes. i mean-

well, in my view, immortality is serious business. it slowly distances you from humanity until you stop being a person in the usual sense

the way human emotions and thought processes work is deeply tied to mortality. even ordinary people often change a lot by the end of their lives — they grow colder, more withdrawn, more tired, both physically and emotionally. and that’s after less than a century

now imagine eternity — endless loss, endless solitude. everything you care about eventually fades. people die. cities decay. books, music, art — all the little things that once brought you joy — become irrelevant or forgotten, because life keeps moving forward while you stay still

that’s an enormous psychological burden

emotional numbness and detachment would eventually become a coping mechanism. it’s not even a choice — it’s something that happens naturally

and emmrich… he feels everything so deeply. he’s soft, kind, sensitive to beauty and tiny earthly joys — like the smell of flowers. that’s what makes him so beautiful as a character. and i honestly think that to survive eternity, he’d have to stop being himself, little by little

and from his banters with lucanis, it feels like he doesn’t really grasp that yet. when lucanis says, “why would you want to outlast everything you love? it sounds like a terrible fate” emmrich replies, “there's always something to discover in this world. a fresh marvel. a new friend. i think I should never grow tired of that”

but finding something new always means saying goodbye to the old. and that hurts. the euphoria of “i have all the time in the world now” will fade eventually, because that feeling never lasts long. but the losses will keep piling up, each leaving a scar, until opening your heart to something new becomes harder and harder

it’s like how people who’ve been hurt too many times often shut down emotionally

so to me, emmrich’s words sound like a clear sign that he doesn’t yet understand the true weight of immortality. he’s still seeing it through the lens of his thanatophobia, which clouds his judgment (and honestly, that’s very human and believable for a phobia)

thirdly, thanatophobia itself

honestly? i don’t see emmrich’s lichdom as overcoming his fear of death. it feels more like running from it. the fear doesn’t disappear, it just changes shape. he’s no longer afraid of his own death, but now he fears losing rook. and that doesn’t feel like growth

especially when liches are surrounded by death and supposed to accept it as a fact of existence

so emmrich ends up in a situation where he thinks he’s escaped his greatest fear, but he’s just found a new version of it

and that’s... well. sad

of course, life works like that sometimes — you don’t get what you want, or you get it and realize it’s not what you thought it would be. sometimes what you wish for comes with too many strings attached. that’s realistic — even beautiful, in a tragic way

but it’s not what i want for emmrich

for me in the “mortal” ending of his quest, he feels so much more at peace with himself. there’s a sense of harmony, of acceptance

so… yeah no grand conclusions here. thank you for coming to my ted talk

not here to argue or change anyone’s mind, only sharing my thoughts that refused to leave my brain for way too long. purely subjective, obviously. i just finally had some time to write it all down (thank you, four-hour st. petersburg — sochi flight, it was good)

[rinrussel]

every time i’m about to post a new fic on ao3 and get to the tags part… *deep sigh* this is my personal hell

russian fanfic sites don’t have open tagging system — you just pick stuff from pre-made lists. neat, organized, limited and then ao3 hits me with that empty field where you can type literally anything and my brain just… crashes. like. what’s important enough to tag? what’s not? which of the five thousand possible tags actually fits?

i need a list. a structure. a menu. something without it my brain just goes error 404

so i end up tagging only the most basic stuff, and then i look at other people’s fics with a whole essay of tags and feel like i’m doing something wrong

god damn why is this so hard?

[rinrussel]

i don’t know how to explain this, but for all of datv’s flaws — everything about nevarra is just so good (my totally subjective opinion, of course)

its visuals and that green and gold gothic aesthetic? pure beauty

emmrich volkarin? i don’t even want to start talk- okay, that’s a lie. i want he’s absolutely magnificent. one of the most well-written companions. his inner conflict makes sense, it’s touching, it’s human. his quest is the only one that made me really feel something — and actually think about the endings afterward and his romance? the most complete and natural one, hands down

johanna hezenkoss? adorable. super charismatic. i love her. she’s funny just enough to make you smile and remember her — but not in a comic relief way also, dialogues with her skull at the lighthouse >>>

manfred? a treasure

faction members? myrna and vorgoth are both so pleasant i like triggering their dialogues every time i visit the necropolis. they’re always talking about something interesting: mourn watchers’ routine, opera, art and myrna’s warmth toward rook ingellvar? it melts me every time. honestly, after strife’s snark at rook oldvir, or viago’s grumpy sharpness with rook de riva (i love viago, but still), myrna’s smile feels like a hug

faction quests? no joke, i’m obsessed with “pinnacle of its kind” the way formless one literally sends rook a hate letter after being defeated… that’s good

so yeah. nevarra and mourn watch in datv are my absolute comfort zone. beautiful setting, interesting characters, gothic vibes, unusual philosophy about life and death — all of it it’s the one part of the game i enjoy without a single “but”