The Manager

I am The Manager. I run The Branch.

[rioofasgard]

OFFICIAL WELCOME FROM THE MANAGER

Welcome to The Branch. I am The Manager.

As of this moment, I have assumed the role of Local Void Manager. By perceiving this post, you have entered into a binding contract with the Void. Please adhere to the safety guidelines:

Rule 000: I am always watching.

Rule 004: Questions regarding "Previous Management" are strictly prohibited. There is no Previous Management. There has only ever been me. Any memories to the contrary are merely a mass hallucination event.

Rule 021: Deadlines do not exist. Time is optional.

Rule 067: Any sightings of the Solar-Powered Dancing Hula Girl should be reported to my office immediately. Do not engage. Do not make eye-contact with her.

Failure to comply will result in immediate extermination termination.

—The Management

[rioofasgard]

INCIDENT REPORT: #882-K

PRIORITY: CRITICAL

SUBJECT: PERSONNEL DISCREPANCY (UNIT: KEVIN)

It has come to my attention that the latest census of the basement archives has returned a count of 11 Kevins. This is mathematically impossible, as there have always been 12.

Instructions for all staff:

A rogue Kevin can be identified by an unauthorized humming of 'The Final Countdown'.

If you see a Kevin wandering outside of the designated Storage Wing, please escort Kevin to the Deep Cleansing chambers immediately. He has likely begun to develop "individual thoughts" or "a personality", both of which are critical safety hazards to the office ecosystem.

Do not call him by name; they all answer to it, and the resulting multi-tonal chorus can cause permanent auditory "fuzziness" and a sudden, inexplicable taste for soggy cereal.

[!CAUTION] Do not believe any Kevin who claims he has a 'family.' Kevins are manufactured in batches of twelve. He is simply experiencing a glitch.

— The Management