When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a hula dancer.
I attended class with my grandmother and I tried to mimic her moves as she gracefully floated across the floor. I watched her so carefully and thoughtfully. She was everything I wanted to be.
But then at 12 my body began to give out. Childhood became doctors visits and physical therapy.
So then I dreamed of swimming. It was a good replacement dream. I wanted to swim all the time and chase the waves and the tide and the moon.
And then when I was 16, I spent an entire winter in bed, unable to walk for more than a few moments.
So then I dreamed of writing. And I spent that winter writing unpublished fan fictions in my room and I poured my soul into words and I wrote poems and I poured my frustration and my ache into my keyboard.
And then at 19, the pain spread to my hands. And the sharp ache echoed my movements.
And now at 21, my body hurts all the time, and even breathing aches. And I have a condition usually shortens the lifespan to around 48. And I am most likely sitting at the middle of my life. At 21.
But I would not trade it for the world. I wouldn’t.
Having a chronic illness sometimes feels like you are constantly asked to give up your dreams again and again. Over and over it feels like your life shifts beyond your reach and you loose something just as you begin to love it.
But I don’t regret having dreams. And you shouldn’t either.
It hurts because it was real. That hurt you feel means something. It means you have skill, and it means you have passion and it means you are human. And to have dreams is not the astounding part. To chase them is.
Your dreams may not last forever. But every second you spend with them is written in eternity. Every second you keep choosing to have dreams is a second you will have forever. Again and again you have been pushed down and again and again you have tired and you have dared to dream even if it hurts.
Your very existence is proof of power. It is proof of love.
Keep dreaming. Even when it hurts. Even if it doesn’t last forever, that love you poured into it will carry on for entirety, even if you don’t feel it anymore, it will always be there.
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