I wish I could get drunk without having a breakdown.
Have a glass of wine without feeling like I need to finish the bottle. Walk into a bar without vomiting my self-worth into my notes app, just so I don’t bring the mood of the party down.
I’m twenty-three. Shouldn’t I be having fun?
There’s a half-bottle of wine left on our table, and she’s gone to the bathroom. It’s winking at me seductively. The lipstick stains on her glass are cooing, go on, it won’t hurt. You’ll be alright! You’ve already cried once this week, really, what are the chances it’ll happen again? Especially with the amount of medication you’re on, all the types that don’t really let you cry.
The sea-glass-green bottle is beautiful in the artificial sunlight. The cap makes a high-pitched scritching noise as it unscrews itself.
These words are being forced out of me. I have no agency here. There’s nothing I can do to stop the thread unspooling. I want to be honest. I want to tell you the truth.
I don’t know what’s going to happen to me in the next few pages. I hope she’ll come back from the bathroom, and the bottle will be the same weight it was when she left. I hope she’ll smile at me in that way of hers, and we’ll fall together like we used to do. But I don’t think I believe that.
The bottle is light, but the glass is heavy. It splinters on the linoleum like a hailstone. It leaves a mark on the floor that will never fully buff out, always be a reminder of what happened here.
The wine is blood-red and hot, cooling quickly on the icy ground. How did I get here? Where did I bury myself this time? A snow-drift on the side of the road. It’ll take her days to notice I’m even gone, and what then? I know she won’t miss me.
The wine is keeping me warm. It’s staining my hands, my favourite cream jumper. I won’t be wearing it again.
I can hear her in the distance, calling for me like she used to, when I’d get lost in a crowd and she didn’t know where she was.
I think there’s a light in the distance. It’s beautiful and soft, like a flame. I sink towards it carefully. Maybe she’ll be there too.
"Oh, my love, you’ve found me. I’m so happy you’re here."
"I’m sorry, I couldn’t stop, I just—"
"Shh, shh, it’s alright. Everything’s going to be okay. We’re together again. Come closer to the fire, my love, come here and sit with me."
Her hands are ice. "I know."