in my deathbed doing phone time for a bit before im ready
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@riverfinn
in my deathbed doing phone time for a bit before im ready
How to meet your new best friends
woke up and someone spilled vanilla extract all over my dash, so as punishment you strange little beasties are getting all the VANILLA FACTS i know:
vanilla is the 2nd most expensive spice in the world (2nd to saffron)
which is why more than 99% of what we call "vanilla extract" is actually vanillin (vanilla's dominant flavor compound) and is not extracted from real vanilla.
luckily, even professionals struggle to tell the difference when it comes to things like baked goods. but there is a distinct difference in non-heat treated products like vanilla ice cream. real vanilla has a more complex, individualized flavor profile.
why is vanilla so expensive? because it is a ridiculously delicate & demanding crop. complete primadonna.
vanilla beans come from vanilla orchids. these crazy flowers bloom for A SINGLE DAY and have to be HAND-POLLINATED in a process that is exhausting, delicate, and requires specialist knowledge passed down over generations.
then, if you're lucky, you get vanilla beans.
which then require months of further specialized treatment.
the entire process takes about a year and can go wrong at any stage
vanilla has been cultivated for over 800 years (possibly much longer). the first known cultivators are the Totonac, an indigenous people of Mexico.
the Aztecs used it as a sweetener to balance out the bitter taste of cocoa. it was popular in a drink called xocolatl--the precursor to modern hot chocolate!
it is only pollinated by a very specific orchid bee!!!
which is why no fruit could be grown outside of Mexico until the 1800s
Edmond Albius, born into slavery, invented the pollination method we still use today--launching a global industry when he was just 12 years old.
today, the majority of the world's vanilla is grown in Madagascar
if you want real vanilla, read the labels carefully--it's harder to find than you think!
in conclusion, those tiny black specks you see in fancy vanilla ice cream? those are vanilla bean seeds! itty bitty orchid seeds!!! they are delicious and also a PRISSY BITCH!
(src)
Okay, but what about Saffron? Why is that more expensive?
ok i love saffron but it is a fucking CUNT look at this shit:
this is saffron. it's made up of tiny red threads. each of those threads?
THREE TO A FUCKING FLOWER.
it takes 75,000 flowers to make ONE POUND of saffron
do u see this field? do u see this fucking field?
this field will produce enough saffron to fit in a goddam...baggie? a basket? a smallish bucket, perhaps?
and did I MENTION
the harvesting has to be done BY HAND
are u
are u comprehending
the Bullshit, are u comprehending it yet?
can u imagine. having to sit over a pile of thousands of blossoms and pick each. motherfucking. thread. by hand.
and after hours and hours
(your joints aching)
(your fingers stained)
after hours of this nonsense, lo and behold! you have harvested--about a thimble full of fucking saffron
jesus wept and so should you
she's such a whore why do i love her
“fish don’t even know theyre wet” and? you don’t even know youre luft (air equivalent of wet)
This is a really good example of how we can just make up words that work. “Luft” is a perfect word for this it feels correct and we understand and can feel it.
Like it would’ve necessarily work with other words but “luft” is a combination of sounds that means luft (air equivalent of wet).
Thank you but the reason it works is because it is a deliberately chosen word!
The closest word we have in English for ‘wet but with air’ would be ‘aerated’, which is the past principle of the verb ‘aerate’. As a multi syllable Latin derived word, aerated wouldn’t feel equivalent to wet even if you just used it as an adjective in a sentence- so to have something that feels like ‘wet’ I looked for a monosyllabic air-related word with a German root.
As many have pointed out in the notes, ‘Luft’ means air in a lot of languages, because it comes from the proto-Germanic word ‘luftuz’. It’s also used in English as a chess term, and is a doublet of ‘loft’. Because it’s rare in conversational English but has the right etymology to evoke the idea of air and the texture of ‘wet’, it is very easily appropriated for the concept of ‘air equivalent of wet’.
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hes squeakin!!
“Do you see me as cattle to milk whenever you grow thirsty” was really something
mother please how will we survive the winter
I think when anyone is trying to write a child, start from here because this is EXACTLY how I remember feeling as a child.
I have raised SEAGULLS
i’m fucking dying. it’s been brought to ben collins (the rad new owner of the onion’s) attention that Google AI summary is using The Onion headlines, resulting in this:
fascinated by how "dislocate" seems to be a word used almost exclusively to refer to the misalignment of bodies, or parts of the body, from their proper place. it's distinctly anatomical. you don't say "i dislocated my keys" for instance, even though that's technically a correct and coherent sentence.
on the other hand, it would be really funny to say "i misplaced my shoulder" to announce a devastating injury
it went that way 👉
This is what Rasputin would've wanted.
I feel like I'm being seduced like one of those fancy rainforest birds
is it working
Yes
@fallseidol
Dare you to do this dance.
Can you imagine my shock tonight when I, a now young woman in my peaceful early 20’s whom ran away overseas as a teenager and never returned/made contact again, was doing my annual six month google search of my family to see if anything new has happened (deaths, marriages, etc), only to find our family name popping up in the news, to then continue reading and recognise more names and to ultimately realise my relative murdered two people in a brutal way and is now serving the longest life sentence in our state?