An Apology
It's been a very long time. I don't think you'll see this, but it needs to be here if you decide to look back. Given the state of the country I'm in, I don't want to put off what I need to say.
I owe you an apology. Both of you. Its taken me a long time to fully understand the role I played when I was in your life. I won't make excuses. Our relationship was not healthy, especially on my end. I was incredibly sick when we were together. You knew me at my very worst, and ended up taking the brunt of it. I had a very bad sense of boundaries and ended up placing a lot of responsibility onto you that shouldn't have been. I was extremely codependent and had a very unhealthy picture of how a relationship should be.
Looking back on some of the things I'd written during that time was deeply humbling. I sounded unhinged. Worst of all, I put a lot of it on you. You shouldn't have been expected to save me. It wasn't your job to regulate my feelings. It wasn't your job to manage my mental health. And it certainly wasn't your fault that I was as bad off as I was. Honestly, when you told me that what I was doing was similar to that dude we both knew, there was a lot of truth in that. I didn't realize that at the time obviously, but you were right. I had a lot to unlearn. I'm sorry you ended up taking the brunt of my poor choices.
You deserve to know what was going on with me when we were together. I'm sure you remember some of the delusions I had. I'm embarrassed now to admit that I'd believed in a lot of the things I did. I don't like thinking about it. I've been diagnosed with psychotic depression since then. I've been medicated and stable for a long time now. I've been through a lot of therapy. That being said, it doesn't excuse the harm caused by my behavior when I was at my worst.
I saw your comic, a long time ago. It made me angry at first, mostly because I was still too deep in my own feelings about it. Now though, I'm glad I know your point of view. I actually went back and read the comic again recently. Truly, it makes me really happy that you have recovered the way you have. I'm so sorry my actions caused you so much grief. I can see how draining it must have been while we were together. I was not easy to be with.
It doesn't make much of a difference now, but I want you to know that I did care for you. I think that was the hardest part for me. I knew on some level how badly I had hurt you both, but it was hard to accept. I thought that because I loved you, surely that meant that I couldn't have been that bad. But I was. And for that, I am sorry. I know there are some things that are beyond an apology. Sorry isn't going to cut it for some of it.
Still, I know what I did and I take responsibility for it. I can't do much about it now, but I hope this is something. I don't expect any kind of forgiveness or acknowledgement. Hell, I don't even expect you to see this at all. I just want you to know, I hold myself accountable for what I did. I have worked every day to be better than I was. The way you were treated has always been one of my greatest regrets. I've had to do some very hard self reflecting and it took me a long time to get to where I am now. I'm much better than I was.
If you come across this, I hope it brings you some peace. I don't think our paths will ever cross again, but if they do, know that I don't blame you for anything that happened between us. I'm really glad you have someone you've built a life with. Hell, you're a published author now. You've always been very capable and it makes me happy to see you achieve the goals you had when I knew you. Be safe out there, the world is a hard place to be right now.
