Standing on that dividing line - hell, it was the hardest thing he could force himself to do. You could claim selfish or maybe just self-involved, but it never really did have anything to do with that â- Sure, maybe he wasnât a follower, if anything he forced himself into the role of solitary leader. There had always been a purpose, thereâd always been a reason. Sure, heâd done the selfish things⊠Heâd walked down a line that ended in a domino effect. Pushing and pulling the ones he loved down the hole with him, except, they couldnât escape it with a pine box. Heâd put them â no, heâd put Jem, through enough pain and enough horror. The least he could do for her was to pull that selfish pariah out. To make a decision that truly benefited her. He wanted to do something that would help instead of collapse â just for once.
One of the few people he found himself thinking about in the treatment center was his sister â how he could even apologize for what heâd done, let alone how he could ever try making it up. How could he possibly try putting her heart at ease? He wasnât completely blinded â sure, the fact Jem was even talking to him again was a blinding god sent joy, but, he could still feel the doubt in her eyes. The quiet worry that seemed to eat her alive. The nightmares heâd put her through â the decisions heâd put her through. He could feel every single ounce of it. He could see the quieted fear and even the twinge of disappointment. Heâd hurt her so drastically â- it would never be able to do anything but haunt him.
The right thing to do was to walk out that door â let her live with the people that had actually lasted long enough to take care of her. Sure, Amy always tried telling him that their second lives were a push to do what theyâd missed out on â but, truly, heâd found that maybe, it was about making up for the things theyâd done wrong. â And the only way to make up for leaving her was to let her fly on her own. Let her continue on in solace with the people that embraced her when he physically couldnât. He may have initially gotten her off her tiptoes, but, he didnât keep her off.
Her declination made his entire person sink into the pit of his stomach, He wasnât even sure if his thinking was entirely straight â- but, she deserved so much better. Offering a slight smile he tried on insistence, ââ No really Jem, go get your free pint.â Those bias eyes were never going to fall on Jem, he wouldnât allow it. ââ Iâll be home when you get back, I promise.â Whether he knew what he was doing was right or otherwise was completely uncertain, but now it was time to cross the border line. All he knew was the sharp pain at the base of his person â and the crossing through the open door.
However, Jem had stopped him in his tracks â barring him off from what he may have thought was sibling compassion. There was a key element heâd forgotten â- Jem wasnât that little girl that tiptoed anymore, she didnât need protecting â she was going to take her own reigns. And maybe â thats entirely what he needed to snap him back into himself. No man on a mission bull shit⊠So torn between what was right and what was wrong. Small towns could do that to you â try desperately to mold you into the person they wanted you to be. Maybe, Jem was saving him.
Lips pursed ever so slightly so try to pull back the sudden ease of sharp pain into something of a withheld joy. Almost begging to do nothing but take this lapse of time to pull Jem into an embrace, but â baby steps first.
"â Well, I suppose if you donât mind a boring walkâŠâ he wanted nothing more than to let things fall into the rhythm they had once been. To be able to just â joke and smile and just, be themselves again. Maybe, that truly wasnât as selfish as he thought it was. â⊠UnfortunatelyâŠâ with the tips of his boots fidgeting with the grass beneath his feet, âCloud hopping didnât make me any more of an adventurer.â Trying at a small smile as the daggers behind those eyes seemed to loose their luster. ⊠Jem was right â- fuck it. They couldnât take him away from the small happiness he had left.Â
Jem watched Kieren hesitate. Her brother was all hesitation-all matter and no mirth, in invert a line Jem vaguely remembered having read in school--sometimes, and while it wasn't new, it had become a particularly clear part of Kieren Walker's demeanor the second time he'd been alive. She'd never thought particularly on how often he was pausing changing his mind, fretting it out until now. Maybe it had always been there and she'd taken it for granted, assuming she'd always have a brother, never thinking much on him.
It was safe to say that Jem Walker never wanted to take for granted something like that any more. Standing at his funeral at fourteen had made a million 'I should have's' and could-have been's and 'Wish I'd done's.' It had taken Jem until recently that the Kieren she had now was Kieren enough to make all of those come to light, to make up for all the things never asked, days never had.Â
That had been the biggest hurdle, truly, to getting anywhere at all. The question of who the boy in his room had truly been--an impostor would have been dispatched instantly and she knew that always. But the fact alone that she couldn't hurt him, bear to consider it truly; that had stayed, rattling around Jem's skull until finally she had to admit it plainly--this was her brother, and changed or not changed, he was back.
It was always him before the world. Her personal life of late had enough marks to bear that true and Jem was finally realizing that she didn't mind that it was so. Who cared if someone who'd been kind once hated her for loving her own family? Why should she give a fuck what someone thought of her company?Â
The pangs of fear surrounding the next time she might get the cold shoulder from one of the nice old ladies who always called her 'fine young lady' or other sentimental rubbish, or someone she'd nearly died for looking at her with a barely concealed scorn still stood. But Jem had learned the trick wasn't to cut away fear; it was to tell it to fuck right off.Â
She followed him with sure feet and finally, a mind that was mostly sure. That was more than she could say for most things she did--navigating a hellish hall of a school, answering an order from someone higher up--and with it came a wonderful deflation. The tightness in her chest went from eighty to thirty percent and it felt like coming up from deep water.
Finally, Kieren's cornered, darting eyes settle and agree on a resolution. Jem hadn't moved when he'd tried to wave her away--Kieren should know she didn't let someone tell her off when she's stuck onto something. Anyone could tell she did that, to be honest. And finally, finally, Kieren seemed to realize and relent. She was glad for that. No more fighting him just to do what she wanted, to spend time with him.
It made her stop a minute, though. Her hesitation had been a decision to act, and damn what it said about her. It was a kind of deliberate statement and choice, too, to do so where anyone who wanted might see. Was Kieren wondering the same thing? Was he saying something, depending on whether he stayed or went? Jem had no way of telling, but the thought persistently hummed in the side of her head.
"Still no sense of adventure, dickhead?" She tosses back. "Well, then, let it go that I'm real charitable for liking you anyway." She prods him with her elbow once, a good natured little jab. She knows it won't hurt, and it barely would have if he had proper nerve endings. But the gesture, she hopes, can hold some weight in jest.
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