Robin's Rabbit Holes

Sometimes a random will thought pop into my mind and draw me down a rabbit hole. Once down that first rabbit hole I am usually drawn down several more in the pursuit of that thought. Posted here are the results of multiple trips down the rabbit hole.

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ENOUGH?

**Originally posted on Reality in Relationships Blog in 2014**

At what point does hope fail? How long do we hold on before we finally realize that it’s time to let go? How many lies do we believe before we accept that they are lies?

Words are easy to say and some people make an art of saying just the right thing. Actions, however, are very hard to fake for an extended period of time and even more so during times of stress or when not getting ones way. So many of us fool ourselves for too long by believing the words and ignoring the actions because they don’t say what we want them to say. But there comes a point in all relationships when the truth can’t be ignored or hidden any longer by even the most silver-tongued devil. When the response to a situation and the actions taken therein are too stark for even the most optimist of us to sugar coat or ignore.

This is when hope fails, when the lies are exposed, when it’s time to let go. When hope and belief die it’s not much different than when a loved one dies and we will experience all the stages of bereavement just as if that person really had died. There is disbelief, anger then tremendous hurt and the inevitable questioning of self.

Unfortunately, we must embrace each stage in order to get through them to the other side. Though we don’t believe it at the time, the other side will be greener, we will be happier and able to grow from the experience. We will be freed from the oppressive self-doubt and sense of failure that we didn’t even realize we were carrying around, we will be finally be able to move from a negative, unhealthy relationship to a positive future and the hope of a better, healthier, happier relationship.

But if we don’t let go, if we continue to fool ourselves with false hope, we are destined to be miserable and not even know it, whether by continuing an unhealthy relationship or by getting into another unhealthy relationship.

The questioning is inevitable and can be used to grow. But we can’t fall into the trap of questioning our self-worth or our self-esteem. Instead we should question what we accepted that we shouldn’t have, how we allowed ourselves to be brought so low and how we can avoid letting it happen again.

As painful as it is to lose hope, to see the lie for what it is, to decide to let go, it can be turned into an opportunity for growth and rebirth. If we embrace it as such then we win and they lose!

[robinchadwickfreelance]

TOUGH TIMES

**Originally posted on Reality in Relationships Blog in 2014**

The true measure of a person’s heart is learned when the going gets tough. When their spouse’s world shakes and shatters the road ahead and they are down, battered and bruised by the blow life has dealt, is when the truth breaks free.

When life is status quo to the way a person wants it to be, or at least the bumps that appear can be easily navigated without deviating too far from the path that they want to follow, compassion, love, support and empathy come easily. The words “I love you”, “I believe in you”, “I’ll always be here for you” can be honestly uttered and believed. When their spouse is “towing the line” and doing what is expected they are easily loved and supported because they are both doing their part in bring to fruition their joint plan. It is easy to hold to your vows to love, honor and cherish in the good times.

But that same vow continues “and the bad”. It is at this point that a person’s true feelings rise to the surface when they “show their natural ass” as it was put to me once. There is no romantism in hard times as the stories would have you believe, there is only raw truth and emotion. There will be anger, hurt and frustration, depending on the circumstances, and that is natural and healthy. It is how a person expresses these emotions and how they respond to their spouses needs that shows true depth of commitment and care.

If your spouse truly believes in and loves you deep in their heart, regardless of the circumstances, they will stand by you, help you pick up the pieces and get back on track before they address their feelings of anger, hurt, betrayal or frustration. They will understand that these feelings are fleeting and will be overcome with communication and understanding but getting you back on track is far more important to both your futures.

When your spouse’s response is abusive, derogatory or belittling they are showing you the truth of how little they truly believe in you, how low their regard is for you and how utterly selfish they are at heart. They are not “there for you” and, deep inside, they really do not love you or accept you as their partner. They will never be able to support you because they are too concerned with their own wants and desires; you are only a means to an end. As long as you are providing that means everything is fine but, if you stop being able to provide that means then you are another obstacle in the path of what they want.

If the truth that you see when the going gets tough is a true belief and support, regardless of the raw emotions then God bless you, do everything you can to repay that in kind when they need you to be loving and supportive even though you may want to blame them for the whole sorry mess! However, if the truth that you see is selfish and self-absorbed, then get tough and get going! It will never change, and you will never quite live up. This leads to a life of doubt, low self-esteem, and a constant sense of failure – none of which is conducive to the life that God wants you to have and that you have the right to enjoy!

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2018 trip to Cozumel

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CHOICES

**Originally posted on Reality in Relationships Blog in 2014**

The truth of a person’s heart is not in the words they say or the actions they take but the choices they make in everyday life. Words and actions are conscious efforts to make true what our heads want to be true whereas our daily choices are the truth of the heart.

“Words can build you up, words can tear you down, start a fire in your heart or put it out” (Hawk Nelson, Words). It is easy to say what another wants to hear, or what will ease the tension of the moment or what is desperately desired to be the truth. In the end, words are still just words however heartfelt the they sound or real they feel when spoken they a simply a representation of immediate thoughts, in the moment feelings, or a personal manipulation. Words are fleeting, only good in the moment they are spoken or written, as changeable as the tide, as insubstantial as smoke and no more lasting than a reflection in a mirror.

While words are fleeting and, in the moment, actions usually require conscious thought and planning giving rise to the adage “Actions speak louder than words.” However, planned or not, actions are just deeds used in place of words to attain the same result, a manipulation of another’s thoughts and feelings to achieve a specific result. The manipulation can be selfless or selfish, but it is still a manipulation designed to make another believe a consciously constructed truth whether it comes from the head or from a heart.

Since there is rarely conscious thought when making everyday choices, they are the only real expression of the truth of the heart. A person’s choices are an indication of what is truly important to their heart, where their priorities lay, how they feel about another and the path that the future will take. The choice of how we communicate with another shows the truth of how we truly see that person. The choice of how we respond to their needs shows the truth of how important their well-being is to us. The choice of how we listen to and react to their concerns and opinions shows the truth of the esteem in which we hold them. All choices show the truth of the place another holds in our heart and in our life.

When the words or actions are belied by the choices made it is to the choices that we must look for the truth. This truth shapes the present and the future and cannot be changed by trying harder, being better, or trying to change. This truth is often hard to acknowledge and even harder to accept but should not be ignored or overlooked. The truth must be seen and analyzed, and full consideration given to how it affects our sense of self, our self-esteem, our future and, most important, our soul.

So, the true choice, the only one that really affects you is whether you will live the truth of your heart or the truth another constructs for you? As my father said at the end of his life, “life is too short to have regrets”. Do not let another’s truth become your own, instead hold God’s truth in your heart and let no one take that from you!

[robinchadwickfreelance]

TRUST

Trust is a funny thing; they say once lost it can never be regained. Yet it is really nothing more than a choice so it can be re-chosen. True, there will always be the history of the betrayed trust but it is a memory that can be allowed to tarnish or teach depending on the choice made by the one struggling with whether to trust again or not.

However, there comes a fine line between choosing to trust again and simply denying truth. How many times does one’s decision to trust again get betrayed before realizing that it is a trust misplaced? At some point the one that is continuously betrayed must realize that they are choosing to trust in a fantasy and allow themselves to see the truth, the reality. Regardless, trust is a very delicate issue and can unknowingly be weakened in a fit of anger or hurt. For example, a person asks only that his undying love, faithfulness, and devotion be unconditionally trusted yet when angry or hurt, is hateful, dismissive and threatens to abandon the relationship, is this a trust that can continue to be chosen & given? Yes and no. The choice is whether to trust the relationship, not the words. We all have bad times and, unfortunately, it has been true throughout the ages that we take out our fears and hurts on those that are closest to us. If we are expecting our significant other to forgive and choose to continue to trust us when we unfairly attack or disrespect the then we too must be able to overlook when they lash out at us, trusting in the truth of the relationship not the truth of the words. However, each time that trust is undermined weakens the foundation of the relationship.

That being said, if they turn on you when things are tough and life is hard through no fault of your own, that is an entirely different thing. That is a betrayal of the relationship, not just the words, and to continue to trust is to trust in the fantasy of the words, not the reality of the actions. In this case, you must look closely at what their actions are telling us, close our ears to their pretty words and your heart to the desire to believe, and look at what truth their actions are telling us. Only then can we make the choices that are going to enrich our lives and make them better.

If you are with someone that genuinely loves and accepts you, even when they have a bad day and lash out, your life is richer and more fulfilled. But when you are with someone that, no matter the pretty words and actions, does not truly stand by your side then you are lessened and left searching. It is God’s greatest desire, and humankind’s greatest need, to connect with someone that accepts us for who we are and loves and respects us because of, and even despite, all our strengths and weaknesses. Trust, like commitment, is a choice that we must make daily and with truth as our guide.

              **Posted on Reality in Relationships Blog in 2014**