medicating to be the perfect stepford wife @robinmarx - Tumblr Blog

Wait what!!!

You were supposed to be the one. Supposed to love me right. Let me love right. But I can't be with someone who i know heard me crying and didn't do a thing about it.

He's doing it again. Using my fear of being alone to his advantage. He knows he just has to wait, storm around, make snide comments, break a few things, threaten my kids, and I will beg for him back and he never has to apologize or make up to me the things he has done.

I have to remember that while my heart loves him, he is no good. He doesn't pick up after himself, leaves me with all the messes. He doesn't take care of me when I'm not feeling good. He lies to me. He ignores the kids needs for his own. He is selfish.

I CAN'T LET HIM WIN. I CAN'T LET HIM DESTROY ME TO THE POINT THAT I LET HIM BACK IN.

Fear is such a powerful tool. And he knows how to use it. He uses it with his threats to expose me if I trash talk him. He uses it to make sure he doesn't get thrown out. He uses it to force me to do things for him or give him things. He knows my insecurities, he knows my fears, and he exploits them to his advantage.

I found the strength to divorce him, but I had a moment of weakness and let him back in. Gave him the power to get away with anything because he knows I will be weak and beg him to come back. He thinks I can't do it without him, but thing is, I'm pretty much already doing it without him, he's just a warm body to be next to at night. He gives me no money. He helps very little with the kids. He doesn't provide enough benefit to outweigh the costs.

You keep telling yourself whatever story you want too, so you feel better about what you've done.

It's ok to stay out back all evening and leave me to take care of everything?

It's okay to say you will do everything I normally do in the mornings so I can relax, but lick yourself in the bedroom till the bulk of the work is done and then instead of jumping in to take over with the rest, you go out back and smoke?[

It's not considered stealing the car when you take my keys from me, during a fight, then lock me in garage and take off in car, stranding me with no idea of how to get kids home from school or anything else I needed to do that day.

It's okay to lie about a job interview, telling me they canceled it because they hired someone else, when really you emailed them telling them you got hired somewhere else, when you've been jobless for over 4 weeks?

I'm supposed to forget about the little things and let them go.

Is being lied to a little thing?

Is being taken advantage of a little thing?

Is being the only one bringing money into the house a little thing?

Is being the only one to clean the house a little thing?

Is having to do everything while you're locked in bathroom jacking off a little thing?

In the beginning, it was the porn that I was so upset about. The fact you were lieing to me, watching it every chance you got, jerking off and trying to convince me you weren't and trying to figure out how I knew. Now, it's not so much the porn, it's when you do it. Avoiding responsibility. Avoiding chores. For 25 minutes with the water running before getting in shower and then bitching that there isn't any hot water left.

I DESERVE BETTER! I DESERVE SOMEONE WHO ISN'T A PORN ADDICT WHO REFUSES TO BE ACCOUNTABLE FOR HIS OWN ACTIONS.

So tell me how fair this is...

You know we were having the birthday party on Sunday. You knew it was important to me to have house clean, and certain things done before the party.

You watched me make lists of everything to be done, clean, sort, and organize. And you sat on the couch watching TV, you made excuses to go do something to avoid helping clean, and then on the morning of the party, you left all your blasting shit out, a backpack pulled apart full of clothes, your bong, scraps and tools in the backyard, etc... and left me to clean it, as well as 4 bathrooms, sweep, mop, rake backyard, set up bounce house, decorate, put out snacks, and get myself ready, in 2 hours.

Now, granted, during the party you were helpful and not overly clingy or pretentious, making up stories, or being overly lovey on me. And then when party ended, you worked on playhouse while I cleaned up, so we were both productive. What I didn't think was okay was when you went to shower, right as dinner was ready, then sat for 24 minutes on Craigslist personals looking at sex wanted ads, with the shower running. You spent 4 hrs looking last night, avoiding going to bed with me, and then to be looking again tonight, just not acceptable in my eyes, because while you weren't looking at the w4m section, it was still sexual enough in nature, and you were doing it in secret while avoiding the family and your responsibilities. Then got pissed when there was no hot water when I finally said enough was enough and forced you off tablet.

Then you purposefully fell asleep on the couch to avoid having to put kids to bed, or clean up your mess, or do anything. So I left you asleep on couch and I hope you stay there all night.

I think the main reason I have the fantasy I do, and keep asking you for, is because I want you to fuck me in such a way that I stop loving you, and hate you enough so I can be strong once and for all and be done with you. Stop allowing you to come back and be the same useless lying asshole I know you are, but can't seem to remember when you're gone because I'm too scared of being alone.

I don't know whether to believe you, and be sympathetic to you. Or to tell you to take your head out of your ass and stop playing the victim card wanting to be a hero.

Sure, they might come fuck you up, but you can't pay six feet under. And instead of doing something about it, you're running away.

You told me I need to be the strong one right now, for both of us, and that set me off. I'M ALWAYS THE STRONG ONE. I'M ALWAYS THE ONE HOLDING EVERYTHING TOGETHER.

I don't want to be the strong one anymore. I want someone to come take care of me!

This isn't what I had planned for today!

It was supposed to be my last hurrah, finish a few motions, get it all out of my system, so then over the next 3 days, could sleep and do nothing.

It really does amaze me what kind of people there are in this world. The kind of can't admit when they are wrong, say sorry, or will make up stories to make themselves look like the hero, who can sit back and watch someone struggle out of spite, who can pretend they feel a certain way when it's really a lie.

And then there's me, who as fucked up in the head as I am, is trying to do so many things for other people that she forgets about doing things for herself. And is torn between wanting a little girl to have a better future but doesn't have enough time or resources to provide her with the help she needs, and the situation is ruining her family and her relationships and her mental stability and her future, so to what cost does one save this child? One child vs a family? Can I survive the guilt of putting her in the foster system? Will people understand I tried and was strong enough and brave enough to admit I failed?

I am better than this. I know I am. I am strong enough to break free of your hold on me and my life. Smart enough to know that there is more to life than this.

You know the power you have over me. The power of control. You use fear to keep me docile, afraid of what secrets you'll release if I stand up for myself. The power to always come back, no matter why you left or what you did when gone. The power to get away with anything because you know I love you.

You're not a hero. You're not saving us by staying away. No. I know better than that. You were trying to leave a while ago.

Right now, I am damaged. I am scarred emotionally by the effects of our relationship. I have the lowest self esteem I have ever had. My body has marks and scars that will take a long time to heal. My mind and heart a lot longer than that to heal.

It is killing me inside to know that I fell in love with the wrong person. I gave my heart away to someone who only wanted to acquire it, conquor it, with no real intention to reciprocate the feelings. I was duped, conned, and tricked.

You love me, you want to be with me, but you talked to her, while ignoring me. You cheated on your baby mama with her, why shouldn't I think you'd do the same thing again?

I did so much for you, while you did so little for me. I enabled you, let you spin your tales, and gave you everything I could.

I'm sure about 85% of what you say is true, and I'm not doubting that Nick is mad enough and mean enough to hurt you to feel better about the $6k he lost on you.

And I know you feel like a failure. That nothing has gone your way in a while. That you've never been caught and called out on your stories.

And I know I have high expectations and am a bit of a bitch, and be a bitch more than I should.

But you still haven't come clean about your wrong doings. Haven't apologized for the fucked up things you've done.

It's hard for me to believe this is real. That you really left me. Again. It's hard to accept that you had been planning this. It's hard to think that you might really not be coming back. It's hard to know you're going to be at the stadium today, and know that I'll be there, but you won't do a thing about it.

It's hard for me to think that anyone is going to make me feel the way you did. Hard to think that anyone will want me with the way you left me.

You're fucking dead to me. You can't possibly think you're handling this correct at all, do you? You had been up for 3 days, are hard enough on yourself as it is, but knew you'd fucked up saying yes to such a ridiculous quantity of wax, so any communication you instantly thought had to be bad, and then the altercation put you over the top.

When you sober up and catch up on sleep, are you going to come around? Maybe, but you'll never admit it. You'll never man up and apologize. Never fight to show me you care. Never give me what I've asked for.

It kills me to feel abandoned again. To know you played me. To know you wanted to leave and took advantage of the situation to get out, and look like a hero but instead you were just running away from your problems.

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medicating to be the perfect stepford wife