A sister recently asked me this question:
"What advice do you give young mums who keep screaming at their little toddlers? Their kids are so scared of them. What can I say to help the mum stop constantly screaming at these young kids?"
Parents sometimes yell at their kids. But if a mother finds herself going from zero to a hundred in terms of her anger, shouting regularly at the kids, or notices frequent bouts of rage, there might be an issue.
My understanding is that when a mom is screaming and yelling at her kids too much, it usually is rooted in her own stresses, struggles, and problems. It's an internal problem and the screaming at the kids is the external symptom.
She is probably feeling overwhelmed, drained, exhausted, stretched too thin, confused, or some mix of these emotional states. So she herself on the inside is suffering and needs help and needs to sort out her own issues.
But if she doesn't get time or space to do this, or if she doesn't have enough self-awareness to recognize that she has feelings she herself needs to figure out, she will inadvertently take out her frustrations on her children at the smallest misbehavior. By screaming, yelling, etc.
The other possibility could also be that some moms simply don't know the effects of too much negativity on children. Raising children in a tense, loud, chaotic home environment can put great stress on young children. Unfortunately, some parents just don't know this and so they do it because it's all they've ever seen or known themselves in their own childhood. They themselves were always yelled at as little kids. So they continue the cycle of parenting via screaming and yelling, thinking that this is the normal way to parent and that there are no harms associated with it.
The way forward is different for each mother, of course, because each mother is unique and has a particular personality and specific set of circumstances. But generally, what can help is to
A) expose the mom to a better way to raise children and studies that show the link between stressful home environments and the effects on children (anxiety, clinginess, lack of initiative, etc).
B) the mom needs to gain a self-awareness and a recognition of her own situation and mental space, to examine her own internal dissonance and note the underlying reasons for her stress. She needs to get in touch with her feelings: does she feel overwhelmed? Tired? Lonely? In need of a longer break to recharge? Does she have weak boundaries? Is she angry at her husband? Is she resentful of her inlaws, or her parents? Does she feel bored of motherhood? Does she feel aimless in life? Does she have a strong or weak bond with her Creator?
She needs to deeply reflect on her own state internally and be honest with herself. This way, inshaAllah she can begin to process what she's going through and address it in a healthy, balanced way, instead of lashing out at innocent parties, like her baby or toddler.
Motherhood can be rough sometimes.
May Allah make it easy for all moms, ameen.
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