𝑫𝒊𝒅 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒈𝒓𝒂𝒏𝒅𝒇𝒂𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓...?"
When my brother told me about what happened to you, it didn't seem to have an impact on me. How does one even respond to the news of death? I’ve seen countless movies and have sat beside those who cried. Maybe, I have imagined myself to be that way too.
But why did I? How could I? When it was my turn to hear the news, I fell asleep peacefully that night.
It has to be brought up twice until it hit me the next day my Uncle asked me the question; I wasn't dreaming. It was true.
Yet, no tears fell. I just gazed back blankly. Was I in denial? I never knew something like this could be real or that sooner or later, it was my turn to hear this.
No. I didn’t want to believe that a person could just cross the afterlife. Easily. In a snap.
I held my chin high, unable to swallow it all at once especially when what broke me the most is when I sat with my grandmother as she whispered to me, “𝒉𝒆 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒔𝒐 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒓𝒊𝒆𝒅 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒎𝒂𝒚𝒃𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖'𝒓𝒆 𝒎𝒂𝒅 𝒂𝒕 𝒉𝒊𝒎 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒏𝒐𝒕 𝒑𝒂𝒚𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒂 𝒗𝒊𝒔𝒊𝒕 𝒘𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒘𝒆𝒓𝒆 𝒔𝒊𝒄𝒌."
I remember ignoring him that day.
I wasn't mad at you. I was just sick that day and I know very well how much you cared for me. You never failed to show me — to show us, not faltering, not even one bit even if the distance between us is a journey.
I will miss you, I do. Even if I’m in my grumpiest mood, you remain light, you remain loving.
There will be no more be ‘the favorite grandchild competition’ — something I will truly miss. The banters and the ideas on proving that we deserve to be your favorite.
((𝐸𝑣𝑒𝑛 𝑡𝒉𝑜𝑢𝑔𝒉 𝑤𝑒 𝑘𝑛𝑜𝑤, 𝑖𝑡 𝑤𝑖𝑙𝑙 𝑎𝑙𝑤𝑎𝑦𝑠 𝑏𝑒 𝐾𝑢𝑦𝑎. 𝐻𝑒 𝑤𝑖𝑙𝑙 𝑎𝑙𝑤𝑎𝑦𝑠 𝑏𝑒 𝑡𝒉𝑒 𝑓𝑖𝑟𝑠𝑡 𝑜𝑛𝑒 𝑜𝑛 𝑡𝒉𝑒 𝑙𝑖𝑛𝑒.)
I love you. I'm sorry that I haven't said that when I was growing up. If only I could say it face to face one last time, I’d take the chance and say it aloud as I hug you tight.
There are countless of things to say that I forgot to tell you when you were alive, but I cannot do it anymore because you are gone.
You are now out of reach.
It has been the 18th day since your passing and my world shifted. How do I continue living with you not by my side?
But this isn't a goodbye, Ama. This is simply, see you later.
I wrote this last year (February 5), 18 days after my grandfather died. I still missed him. I will always miss him. I missed him more because of Wonwoo's cover. But Iike him, slowly, on my own pace, I'm slowly letting go.
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