snappily going through

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Giggle to end the night

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Gender roles, gender perceptions, gender prejudices, and all other related shits.

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Almost midnight brain chaos

How can you keep asking me to speak up, when the surrounding shows me that the best is to shut up. How can you just tell me that I don't have to worry about the other's reply, when tons of the worst scenarios play simultaneously in my head. How can you stop me from overthinking, when this thing is something I can't control of, and it sure is draining me.

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Those who are brave enough to dream big, are persistent enough to work hard! (Harsh reminder for a morning like this, when going to work doesn't temp anything at all)

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Big White Room

Currently sipping a good coffee in a local coffee shop I found in foursquare (yep, it still exist people) in the biggest city of an island I've never visited before. I finally feel at peace. This is what I need. A short getaway from the 9-to-5 routine I've been kinda stuck in. Honestly, it's not necessarily a far away escape to an isolated place, just being in a place where I can listen to this voice inside my head cause it's been longing to be heard! Some people, mostly the closest to me, are against these things. Me being away alone, having no fear of whatsoever to happen, just following this little stone heart of mine. My excuse, is that this is important for me. Although no matter how hard I try to explain, I won't ever make them get it, they really have to be in my position to feel it. The freedom of being whoever I want, no one judging. I know this isn't what I want for my daily lives, I need settlement as well. But, as an old song of Jessie J that kept resounding in my head overtime, "I need this space, just like you need air. I need this time, time to clear up my mind." I want people to know that me time isn't just an excuse used by people left by their friends and have to hang out alone. Dear introverted guys, you agree with me?

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To keep your faith in humanity. That we can do the change. Dammit, my heart aches. Well, glad to know it's functioning.

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You must know how to be happy with yourself, by yourself.

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Didengar dan berbagi

Semua punya cerita untuk didengar. Semua punya cara untuk berbagi. Bahwa siapa yang kamu anggap layak untuk dibagi dan didengar, your choice.

Ada yang dapat dengan mudah membagi hidupnya, ada yang memilih menutup rapat dan hanya membiarkan segelintir orang masuk. Aku? Mungkin yang kedua. Waktuku banyak kuhabiskan untuk mengenal aku, memahami perasaanku, mengerti apa yang kumau. Egois? Ya, emang. Aku, kamu, dia, pada dasarnya manusia memang egois. Namun kadang aku berpikir, apakah aku terlalu memikirkan aku dan lupa dengan sekitarku?

Hidupku sempura. Setidaknya orang melihatnya begitu, dan aku juga menganggap begitu. Sesempurna itu, hingga aku mengira semua orang hidupnya seperti aku. Selalu berkecupukan finansial, berlimpah kasih sayang orang tua, dikelilingi teman-teman asik, tidak bermasalah di sekolah. As I grow up, I was exposed by some of my friends’ stories. Suka nggak habis pikir sih, kok bisa mereka punya masalah seperti itu. Kok bisa mereka survive dengan segala beban mereka. Kok masih bisa mereka tertawa bersamaku, sejenak melupakan pedih kehidupan mereka.

Sering aku membayangkan ada di posisi mereka, terjepit antara pilihan-pilihan suram dan hanya bisa mengandalkan diri sendiri. Aku rasa aku tak sanggup. Aku pasti hancur, layaknya porcelein koleksi rumahan yang sering dilap kemudian tiba tiba dijatuhkan dari lantai sekian. Jadi berkeping-keping, berhargaku akan sia-sia. Tapi, apa yang terjadi pada mereka banyak yang tiba-tiba. Lalu ketakutan menyerangku, akan apa yang hidup akan tawarkan di masa depan. Ups I mean, akan apa yang harus pasti akan aku hadapi nantinya. Apakah aku bisa se-baja mereka yang sudah pernah merasakan dibanting, diinjak, dilempar? Takut, sedih, pusing, menolak, itu sih yang aku rasain kalo mikir ini.

Mungkin, selain terus mengenal diriku yang sangat kompleks, aku mulai lebih membuka diri. Sambil terus menyadari, betapa beragam dan lucunya hidup ini. 

Menyiapkan diri, untuk ada saat siapapun ingin berbagi. Meneguhkan hati, bahwa ada seseorang yang mendengar dengan peduli.

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Haha! I know this isn’t the song you regularly listen to, so do I. But, I heard it on some random nostalgic tv show and it is stuck on my head, haha!

Well, I listen to this song once again, I mean like really listen to the lyrics, while realizing that someday, anytime soon, this will be somehow the song of my life (extra cheese charged $$), I mean the one I play over and over and over until the long period of not meeting the people I love is over.

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The ones not being swept away by the waves

“Every great story has a beginning, middle, and ending, not necessarily in that order. We are all great stories, but not each of us write their own story.” (Phil Kaye - Beginning, Middle, & Ending)

Lately, I was exposed with some ideas of writing. Like writing anything in your mind. No, this isn’t all about the cheesy stuffs as a seventh grader girl who’s introduced to own a blog the first time and simply pour her heart out and let the world know her crush, no!

I’m talking about moments in life, the ones which after it happened I can still remember it vividly on the day after, two days after, but don’t ask me a month afterwards cause I must have forgotten the details, and often the most lively parts. I know it wasn’t my brain’s fault. Just like a writing on a beach, once seem deeply carved on the sand, but easily swept away when the waves come. I’ve learned that memorizing hasn’t always be my strength, like at all. But, I’d like to keep some of those wordings on the sand, maybe to reflect on those or try to see something that used to be crystal clear.

So, I gave myself a little present on my latest birthday last November. A diary! Or a journal? You name it. I like to call it my twentieth chapter.

Another thing I realize is that, through writing I can finally be honest to myself. I fckin force myself not to deny my thoughts while writing, not to filter any words that my mind come to produce. Here it is. Everything that I think of. Ain’t afraid of somebody to read it, ain’t got a plan to show it anyway.

Also, the best thing is that, again, I can be honest even when I don’t feel like writing anything, simply because I’m too busy or pretend to be. I can just pick up wherever I left off because hell yeah this is mine! Can do whatever I want with this one Jaha! Interested in writing your own chapter?

Here is the not-so first page (what do you call the page behind the cover?) of mine. Plus, a quote that since the end of last year been stuck in my mind (and scared me):

“That the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be?”

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“Ketika bicara juga sesulit diam, utarakan, utarakan, utarakan.”

Feel so thankful for the emotional yet enjoyable music, beautifully honest lyrics, and for bringing issues that are often neglected. It’s been our pleasure.

Banda Neira, you will be remembered, and missed.

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What 2016 has taught me, partly...

Whoa it’s coming to an end soon! Looking back to the past few weeks I realize one thing that I’ve been thinking quiet a lot. Reflecting to the whole year, it’s been with me since the very beginning. So, why not stress it as a “lesson” learned from 2016, pretty much aware that the class won’t end this year though.

The big theme here is, people. This year has been such a roller coaster. Good people come and go, so do not-so good people hehe. It came quiet clear to my mind that, hell no, I don’t have to keep everything inside and find the way out myself. Surprisingly out there, some people are not-so busy with their lives to lend their ears for me, or perhaps I’m part of their lives? LOL you wish.

Through the moments of this year, I realized that the limited social circle that I tended to maintain isn’t so bad after all. Teaching me the very few people who are really there when I expect no one else will be. From a random kinda cheesy conversation with a friend, I got the idea to somehow think about people other than my family who will be “sailing the sea” to find me if suddenly all my socmed, numbers, whatsoever cannot be reached. Luckily, I’ve found two strong candidates, and I sincerely hope that I will always feel the same about their presence in my life.

One bitter pill I had to swallow this year also relates to those people in my intimate circle. Somehow, I always knew that they are the right people, little did I notice that they fit merely at the right time. We were meant to met, to spend glorious moments together, and to take up tiny spaces of each other’s heart. What sucks is that everything mentioned did happen for certain period of time, that there will be goodbyes. Thus, I added in my guideline of life for my future self, that the presence moments with the people I care about are golden, and should not be wasted.

“Some people talk to you in their free time. Respect them. While some others free their time to talk to you. Value them.”