i’m considering this blog officially inactive since i hardly think about M anymore, and i think about this blog even less. i’m not sure if i’d consider my TC ‘resolved’, i don’t know if i ever will. he’s still someone i admire and look up to, even if i don’t see him anymore. even if i never see him again. but the feelings that prompted me to create this sideblog have faded exponentially.
thus, i have moved what was once a youtube playlist onto soundsgood, because i didn’t want to see it in my yt library (which i see nearly every day), yet am much too attached to it to delete it forever. so it still exists, just in a different form.
now! below the readmore i will ramble about my notable post-M crushes, because... i am so good at rambling and i want to idfk
one: when i first moved into uni in august 2017 i liked a guy for around maybe 2 months. but pretty quickly realized that i prolly only had a thing for him cos i was goin thru a Big Life Change (on top of actively breaking it off with my now-ex), n that we were completely incompatible at all. and it’s only a year later but jst thinking abt romantically liking this dude is so cringey so mooooving on...
two: on december 2nd 2017 (yes i remember the date bc we were on a trip, it was a whole ass mess) i fell majorly for a good friend of mine. who is still a good friend! even though for about six months he made up 1/3 of a love triangle that i hated being in. ya anyway. he was a pretty normal crush. awkward, since bc we’re close friends it felt like i was being teased fucking constantly, but at least a fairly normal person to fall for. i say ‘was’ bc over the summer my feelings for him faded significantly. still latently there but enough u feel. i don’t see a lot of reason to add more info on him since i don’t think abt him like that too much anymore. i am unsure if i ever want to tell him i liked him since, not only would that be potentially weird and creepy in his eyes, but he is not the best at keeping secrets and i really don’t need the other couple people in my circle knowing i had a major thing for him...
three: does it count as a crush if you don’t actually know them? i’m not sure. i’ve never had a genuine, i.e. long-lasting, ‘celebrity’ crush before, so i don’t know how they work. but in february 2018 i found TSC’s channel and fell in down that rabbit hole. and um besides that acronym being 1 letter away from “TC”... did someone (me) say ‘married completely unattainable man much smarter than u and at least a decade older who u inexplicably think is vry hot and want to be with but who u also look up to as a role model????' hell yea boys n girls. he’s been on some kinda hiatus for five months and i wanna mcdie. but god, finding him has improved my life i really love him so much.
i probably don’t actually have romantic feelings for him, jst think he’s hot in most videos combined with loving n appreciating everything else abt him n wishing i could be him, but that doesn’t change the fact that i could watch his content forever n that i always find some way to bring him up!!
four: last but certainly not least cos this is who i really wanted to talk about. the most recent and active crush. yea so over the summer, half the reason i became less infatuated with boy number 2 (besides natural time fade n #realizing certain things abt him) was bc i got Big Attached to another man. and he’s like a TC in the sense that his real occupation is a teacher and he’s older than me and kind of my ‘superior’ (in the job i met him in). and most importantly that i consider him a role model but i also have some romantic attraction to him.
my theory for why this crush initially formed is because this man. my guy. this man was (and is) so friendly, affectionate, accepting, etc. toward me, literally supplied more camaraderie and honest, personally-directed-amiability than i’d ever experienced. that my brain legitimately could not process the positive emotions. n much like how yr other body systems turn one thing to another in that kinda situation. my brain turned my extra unprocessable friendly feelings toward him into romantic feelings. this was early/mid july 2018 and they’ve been here since. it is a whole ass mess but he is. lowkey an angel you’d swear.
while overall he is way different than M (how all the people i fall for are so different from one another, i don’t know, but it be like that i guess), there are a couple similarities. one. he’s an alumni of my university just like M was, because of fucking course he is. yet instead of being class of, like, ‘95, he graduated only a year before i started. also, just like M he is funny as fuck, and makes a lot of off color jokes, but not in a gross edgy way. i am so tempted to go into funny and/or emotional stuff he’s said to me, but i already won’t shut up so that would be a bad idea. anyway the last thing is that he is obviously a bit older than me too. yet his age gap is literally 1/4 the size M’s was. so the difference is still noticeable but we are almost in the same generation. n since we are almost peers we can talk kind of a lot and mess with each other and hashtag #bond and aksljdfhklahdsgsdklfhsd let’s end with that keysmash eh
(train of thought rambling ahead, feel free 2 skip)
sometimes i wonder what itd be like if the universe worked out that we were in the same generation. if instead of my teacher hed just been some guy sitting next to me in history sophomore year. or if id been born in 78 and we were in the same class at uni. i wanna know what wouldve happened. ive had so many missed opportunities to be friends with people, but M just happens to be the most notable one... bc idk if we couldve ever been friends like that in this lifetime, even if id played my cards better... i hope maybe reincarnation is real and that in another go at life, our lives align just a bit more closely. he has such a unique soul and i kno thats some weird sappy shit to say but he really does. i truly think if we werent in such different walks of life that there wouldve been a high chance for connection bc wow. whenever he crosses my mind i jus miss him so much. he had a way with words, had a way with silence, even when he said nothing u could kind of feel his aura in such an inexplicable way, at least i could. like damn idek if i truly believe in reincarnation or energies or shit but i rly felt smthn with him that was so fuckin memorable i can never fully let go! ive met a lot of ppl who mean a lot to me and the fact that M was able to make such an impact with so little actual interaction between us was,, jus. wild. i wish the best for him all the time bc its rly all i can do in this life u kno
his birthday was this week and hhhhfhddh i wish that didnt bother me? i seriously should not fucking care that i did not get to wish him well or whatever? but that date is permanently engrained in my mind as "M's birthday" and idk if ill ever get rid of that association :/
i found another TC song, somehow, and it’s even more slow n sad than the last one and im annoyed @ myself. so uh for Context (as to why it hit me kinda hard), just the other week i got a new phone & cleaned all the pics off the old one. including the M-related ones obviously, nd didnt put any of em on my new phone and. then i found this song just the other day,,,
every one of the lyrics are a mood but... “don't want your picture / on my cell phone / i want you here with me / don't want your memory / in my head now / i want you here with me” ???!!???!??
i was lowkey crying? cos. it’s not like i looked at them, i forgot they were even on that phone half the time, i just i wouldn’t remove them from it for so fucking long u know. jeez
don't ask me how i JUST realized this coincidence, but the crush i've vented abt here before... is a secondary ed major... ie he wants to be a highschool teacher.
so right about when i functionally 'got over' having a crush on a man who's been teaching highschoolers for the better part of two decades & got his undergrad from this university, i develop a crush on a man who's going to teach highschoolers & is getting his undergrad at this university. wild
Having a crush on a teacher is SO frustrating because you literally cannot do anything about it. They’re constantly on your mind for months at a time and it’s so tiring I can’t.
