I know that I'm not smart (or if I am, then maybe not enough), I know that I'm not creative, I'm not resourceful, I'm not the best daughter in the world. I don't know what to do with my life. I feel like I don't have a sense of purpose in this world (or maybe I do, but I'm just a coward to find and accept my purpose). I don't even know how to get to my point, but my point is, I feel like I can't make my Dad proud. He's not the perfect father, but he is intelligent and resourceful. Recently, I took an entrance exam for Grad School in one of the most prestigious schools here. It's part of the top four big schools here. I've graduated from this same University, but from a different branch, and I know that the main campus has higher standards than the one I went to. But I still tried taking the exam even though I knew that I could fail big time, I conquered my fear. A few days ago, I got the results of the exam, and not surprisingly, I failed. It hurt big time. I don't know why, but failing that exam hurt much more than I failed my Board Exam last year. When I got the results, I texted my dad that I failed, and that I was sorry. What did he do? Nothing. For two days I was waiting for his response. We didn't see each other at home for two days. And when I finally saw him today over breakfast, what did he do? He kind of laughed at me and said: "Pang Dasma ka lang talaga" (translation: You can only handle Dasma) and laughed a little more. What does that mean, you ask? He's telling me that I can't really study in a school that has higher standards from where I graduated. Why? Because I'm not smart. I know, this does not concern any of you, but I just want to let this out of my chest because I'm deeply hurt by his comment and that I don't really know what to do with my life. I feel like I would never be able to get a job because I feel stupid and dumb that no one would ever give me the opportunity to work for them. Also, I wouldn't be able to pursue a Master's degree due to the same reasons. For me, those are just my options, so now that I feel that those options are non attainable, I really don't know what to do with my life. I am not suicidal or what, but I think, I'd rather die than be a leech in this world. I mean, I don't have a purpose in life and I am worthless, so what's the point in living anyway? Others do extracurricular stuff, they paint, go biking, hiking, travel the world, read, write, and so on. But me? All I do is sleep. I'm a sloth. I don't help in household chores, I don't do anything interesting in my life. I'm just another mouth to feed for my dad; another responsibility for him. See, i' really worthless. So why should I live? There are times when I daydream that someone would shoot me with a gun or that I'll have a terrible nightmare and never wake up. I don't really want to kill myself, but sometimes I want to die. Maybe you'd say that dying is a coward's way of escaping responsibilities, and I would agree with you on that. I am a coward, I'd rather escape.
