His Great

S.F.

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8:45

I never overthink my personal life when I'm at home; it's always when I'm in hotel rooms. Perhaps it's because hotel rooms remind me that life is transitory: yesterday is not like today and today will certainly not be like tomorrow. Yet, past and present have a torturous way of distorting my view of a happy future.

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If you're still reading

I came across a note from an old friend today that made me both nostalgic and sad. In summary, the note read that my earlier writings from high school had deterred them from acting on risky impulses following a painful breakup. Most of what I wrote about from back then was about my inability to fit in completely at my new school, my struggle to maintain those relationships from my old school, and, above all, trying my hardest to remain optimistic through the various transitions an adolescent undertakes.

I lost touch with this friend after we both left for college. We haven’t seen or spoken to each other since. I continued to write (both publicly and privately) as my life moved forward; however, as I finished college and entered postgraduate life, I found it more difficult to find the language (or, I could argue, a voice) that might accurately describe my experiences, my emotions, and my goals. Even today, I ache to be as honestly expressive again. Perhaps this is a case of your standard writers’ block? Or that I have convinced myself in the past few years that no one no longer cares what I have to say or feel.

I don’t want to think this but I’ve done an extraordinary job of phasing out friends and acquaintances for reasons beyond comprehension that I can’t even give clear answers for. Am I a monster? A monster that doesn’t even know why he does what he does. But I’m working on myself, and I need to find the will and courage to begin writing again. Even if no one reads what I have to say. Even if what I write is trash or mediocre.

Words, or rather the channeling and conversion of the intangible, are my catharsis.

[sincerelyoursfromcalifornia]

Weekend trip to the Monterey Peninsula (Pebble Beach and Carmel), California

[sincerelyoursfromcalifornia]

Recent trip to Toronto, Ontario (Pictured: CN Tower, City Hall, Row Houses, Little Portugal, Casa Loma, Toronto Skyline, and Film Set for The Strain in downtown Toronto).

[sincerelyoursfromcalifornia]

Cuban food in Palo Alto at La Bodeguita del Medio.

(Bistec de Palomilla, plátanos maduros, congri, y flan)

[sincerelyoursfromcalifornia]

Worrying Too Much

I spend an unhealthy amount of time worrying about circumstances that can severely alter my stability and independence. In fact, I probably have more nightmares about it than any sane person should. It’s just that I’ve worked hard, saved, and took chances at points in my life that have gotten me here – cross country from home in a new city, in a new state, and (gradually) into a new state of mind. There were times when I wanted to give up when opportunities weren’t coming through and money was dwindling. But I loathe having to rely on people, especially family, for support I know I can give myself.

Perhaps it’s the independent-minded trait of my character that I’ve adopted from being an only child. I’ve gotten used to having friends come and go from my life; going weeks, sometimes months, without speaking to people who have made an impact on me. Maybe I enjoy this type of self-deprecation; deep down I’ve convinced myself that my damaged soul is unworthy of happiness, love, and acceptance. How twisted is that? No human being should ever feel that negatively.

There’s still so much that has to change within me. I need to come out of this metamorphosis a more improved individual.

[sincerelyoursfromcalifornia]

The sunset view from my apartment.

[sincerelyoursfromcalifornia]

Fog on the Golden Gate Bridge.

Seaplane overhead.

[sincerelyoursfromcalifornia]

Jogging up to the Stanford Dish.

Stellar views of Silicon Valley.

[sincerelyoursfromcalifornia]

My friends are coming from Florida next weekend and we’re planning on taking a trip up to Lake Tahoe and Yosemite.

One of them sent me two tents in the mail. Just one is big enough to take up my entire apartment. It’s good to know we’re prepared for anything with our McMansion tents…

[sincerelyoursfromcalifornia]

Cave Exploration.

Daly City, CA

[sincerelyoursfromcalifornia]

#TBT

Yellowstone Lake, Yellowstone National Park (Wyoming)

[sincerelyoursfromcalifornia]

Long-Term Memory

I don’t know if this is a symptom of getting older but my long-term memory isn’t as sharp as it used to be. To give you some context: I was having a conversation with a friend today about her birthday a few years back and how it was the last time she saw me and a mutual friend of ours together. I can not remember this particular birthday, and the more I began to ponder other vague events and encounters from my past, I couldn’t recall specifics of what would be considered pivotal and evolutionary moments in someone’s life.

I pray this isn’t an early indicator of Alzheimer’s/dementia or if it’s because I’ve just mentally blocked out key parts of my past on accident while trying to block out the intentional ones. Either way, it’s very concerning that I’m forgetting events in my timeline that shaped me into the person I am, or I’m becoming, today.

I used to keep a journal with me all the time, writing about even the most mundane (i.e. I had spaghetti for dinner and lit a fire in the backyard chiminea). Although I still have a journal, it’s been at least a month since I last updated it. Maybe I should get back in the habit, even if there are certain things I don’t care to remember 10, 20, 50 (if I’m lucky enough) years down the line.

I don’t want to forget how I became who I am.

[sincerelyoursfromcalifornia]

Fitness

I have tried really hard this past month since starting my new job to work on creating a healthy meal and fitness routine for myself.

Ever since my senior year of college, I’ve been struggling with getting my weight under control – mainly due to my self-esteem issues and difficult situations I frequently found myself in.

Now that things are a bit more stable (and I pray they continue to be that way), I’m more conscientious about what I eat and how I work out.

In particular, because my commute back home is roughly 35 minutes (1 hr if there’s traffic, which is heavy right after I get off), I give myself 2-3 hours after work to run around Palo Alto; pacing myself so that I can not only keep my heart rate up for a longer period of time but also allowing me necessary time to mentally and emotionally decompress after a productive day.

I don’t have a scale in my apartment, but I can already tell that my waist size is shrinking. When I was the heaviest, I was a size 40. I’m now a 36, and I have to tie my belt pretty tight to get my older work pants to stay up.

I still have a ways to go. I’m not into gaining a lot of muscle. I’d rather be lean and medium build, at least for the time being.

Working on myself, physically and mentally, is going to be an exhaustive task but I’m hoping that this will lead to greater results in the way I live my life.

[sincerelyoursfromcalifornia]

Self-Doubt

One thing I constantly struggle with is self-doubt. It takes a tremendous toll on my interactions with other people, especially when I know they hold power over me. It’s hard for me to gather up the confidence I need to make me seem competent and not naive, even when people tell me that my maturity makes me appear older than I really am.

Overall, being damaged in this way makes it difficult for me to move forward in other areas of my life that should be important to (or at least part of) a 23-year-old’s life: companionship, love, transformative risk taking, physical and emotional independence and liberation, etc.

I’m working on myself, trying to portray the positive aspects of my character when I can and practicing breathing exercises so that I can convey myself clearly and honestly, orally.

Moreover, I’m trying to get back to what it felt like to be my old self. This past weekend, for just a quick second, I was the person I was prior to 10th grade: humorous, carefree, and positive. It’s good to know that that part of me isn’t completely gone.

I still have a lot of growth and repairing to do.

Maybe one day I’ll love myself for all the things God made me of.

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New posting.

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trevorinsanfrancisco.tumblr.com

I'm going to start posting regularly on this new blog since I fear that I won't be able to log on back here because I forgot my email. Follow if you want.

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The X Files + The Onion Headlines pt 2/? 

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This!