Some may be similar to each other, I tried to play off of the prompts to create more of the same vein. Shrugs maybe not the best list, but I think it’s fun.
I can explain. This isn’t as bad as it looks.
Sometimes bad decisions are the only ones we’ve got.
Rise and shine, it’s time for the worst day of your life.
I’ll bring the vodka, you bring the bad decisions.
Well, no one told me that.
No, we are not keeping the cat.
It’s five in the morning, did you expect a warm welcome?
Sorry, all I can provide is sarcasm.
Look at that dog. We need it.
You’re trying to kill me, aren’t you?
You’ve got to be kidding me.
I promise, that was an accident.
I’m being crafty, shut-up.
There is no such thing as too much glitter.
I have a glue gun and I’m not afraid to use it.
Give me all the dogs, I don’t care.
I need a blowtorch, a roll of duct tape, and marshmallows.
Let’s go on an adventure.
Please tell me you know how to change a tire.
Is that band-aid pink? // With unicorns. // That’ll do.
Wake up asshat, we’ve got crimes to do.
How do you manage to trip over everything?
Don’t worry, it’s going to be alright.
Didn’t you meet them on the internet?
Your cat is a judgmental bitch.
I can’t even keep a goldfish alive, how can I handle this?
Let’s make some mistakes.
How about a drink? // Of alcohol or rat poison?
Under no circumstances are you to talk about politics, religion, or your favorite ice cream flavor.
We are in the trenches of a family reunion--survival is the only thing that matters.
Whoever said ignorance is bliss never had anxiety.
What do you mean you don’t know how to ride a bike?
For the record, I totally would have helped with that.
Why would anyone live here?
Have a sticker for your troubles.
You’ve got something on your face.
I don’t know what I was expecting, but this wasn’t it.
Fine then, I won’t say anything.
That was a wonderful accident.
Time is funny like that, it really likes screwing me over.
They’re an artist without a canvas
That’s a lot of caffeine.
Well, that’s a little disturbing.
How much have you had to drink?
I only have one love, and that is mozzarella sticks.
So, where were you planning on getting the tattoo?
I thought you hate needles. // Yes, but I like spiting my family more, I’m getting the damn tattoo
You need me more than you hate me.
A lot of people want to kill me. I am very proud of that.
This is the worst day of my life.
C’mon, it’s just family dinner, how bad could it be?
Please don’t kill me, I have a good reason for this.
Care to explain the glitter lotion?
I supported the entire self tanning industry when I was a teen.
I don’t trust myself with this information.
Why do you always choose violence?
My car, my rules. We’re listening to Nickleback whether you like it or not.
Yeah, the vase of dead roses really says a lot.
That’s not a cat that’s a skunk.
I brought your favorite ice cream.
Well you're about as delightful as a kidney stone.
What do you want from me?
Hold on, I’ve got handcuffs in my purse.
Ugh, why are you covered in cheap cologne?
I’m not wearing the right shoes for this.
I’m not the one who paid three hundred dollars for a shirt.
I wanted to buy you flowers.
When a child hands you a rock, you have to accept it.
I’m sorry and I’ll never stop apologizing.
Wait for me, I’ll be home soon.
I’m sorry, I never meant to hurt you.
I just hope you can forgive me.
And they say dropping out of college is a bad thing
Can your fancy degree do this?
I was only arrested one time…The second I got off on a technicality
I cry at any hint of affection
Don’t judge them, they’re just really, really hungry
Why is there a llama in the yard?
I know how this looks, but it was not my fault.
Therapy’s too expensive, eat some chocolate.
Would I really lie to you? // Yes.
The last time I trusted you you killed my succulent plant.
How much caffeine have I had?--I’d rather not answer that.
Stabbing people is not a proper expression of emotion.
That was not what I was expecting to happen.
Sorry, I just need seventy years to recover from the embarrassment.
