I'm not sick

Life inside my reality all alone in a DREAM that no one else could see people tried to interrupt me tried to put me to use for something they believed. But they keep putting us in hospitals. rowan james

[rowanxjames]

angelxjames:

“There’s no use in talking to you anyway because you’re allergic to listening and all you care about is what happened to you and to hell with what position I was put in, right? Because all I am to you is the bad guy, so fine, I’ll play that role, all because you want me to do that so badly and who am I to deny my wronged sister what she wants?” she didn’t understand why her sister was asking her to tag along in the first place, what with all of the venom she was spitting right at the blonde. Angel wasn’t in the mood to be put down further and scolded even more by her own family for what had happened. It seemed like only other people were allowed time, distance and to be nasty, but Angel apparently had to shut up, take whatever was thrown at her and apologize a million times over - and it still wouldn’t be enough. Not for Rowan anyway. She didn’t know what in all the hell would be enough for her older sibling, but if she continued to act this way, Angel wasn’t gonna care anymore. She wanted time and space? Fine. But hell if the metahuman was gonna allow her own sister - or anyone for that matter to put her down all the time and keep reminding her of the mistakes she’d made. She couldn’t fix things and try to get her life back on track if people didn’t let it go - if they constantly had to bring it up and remind her of her own faults. Hell, she couldn’t even work damage control if all people did was throw insults at her and told her that they didn’t want to be around her. It wasn’t easy to fix things and prove herself with people who avoided her, people she couldn’t see. “It’s called working, not hiding. This is my job. Besides, you keep saying how you need time and space and that you don’t want me around, so why ask if I want to tag along? You know it’s not a good idea.” Angel had barely asked her sibling that question or Rowan was on the floor on her knees and the blonde’s eyebrows knitted together in confusion. What was going on with her? Was it just her sadness taking over? Was there something else going on? It pained her to know that she didn’t know for sure, that she was unaware of what was going on with her sister. “What’s going on with you?”

“Nothing,” she snapped immediately. “I—” What was she supposed to say? That it was her who was the weakest one of them all? She let herself be scraped out to keep everyone else stable and devoured her own body and soul in the process. She may have been the older one, she may have even envied her younger sister, but Angel was Rowan’s rock. Reality wasn’t survivable. So Rowan didn’t live in it. She was told to be abstinent—except alcohol. If she didn’t drink, the withdrawal would be worse than anything else she was taking. “Keep working, don’t worry about me. You didn’t before.” The truth was she continued to blame herself. Rowan should have found her sister. She should have known. She should have done more. Rowan felt like her skin was on fire. She managed to regain her footing. It was easier to push Angel away. Now that her sister was back, did she even need to stay clean for her family? It wasn’t like they needed her support anymore. “I’ll talk to you later.” She put a hand to her head. “Sorry about the slap.” She slowly turned and started towards the door. She just needed a drink.

[rowanxjames]

angelxjames:

“You can have all the time you need, but you need to stop coming at me with classless comments that I know are beneath you. Avoiding me because you need time? Fine, take it. I can live with that, no matter how difficult it might be. But trying to hurt me with spiteful comments about the man I love isn’t giving me a chance and you can be damn sure I’ll snap right back at you for that because Josh isn’t a joke to me. We’re still married and I still love him, but you being this way isn’t helping me get back on track. Because newsflash, you’re not the only one who’s trying to piece her life back together after it was shattered. You have no idea what it’s like to know that your mother and father in law despise you and think that you’re not good enough for their son. So much that they try to set him free by trying to kill you. That’s what I had to deal with. I wasn’t laying on some beach in Italy, drinking cocktails and enjoying my freedom. I had no freedom because all I could think about was how my old life was destroyed and I couldn’t go back to it. To the people I love. So you tell me how I’m supposed to be dealing with that.” Angel hated it when she was given pity and that wasn’t her goal here, but she did want her sister to know how she felt since Rowan herself had just done the same thing. No one in this situation had had it easy, she wasn’t denying that. But it wasn’t like she’d made any of these decisions for the fun of it. She’d done it because there was no other option, no other way out. And having to go through all of this just made her think that maybe she really wasn’t good enough for Josh since he deserved the world. At this point though, Angel was more calm, just because she’d just gotten those words out and it felt like a relief to her. Though she didn’t think that her going anywhere with her sister was a good idea. Especially not now. “I’m not going with you, Rowan.” 

“And how do you think he felt?” She shot back. Rowan spun back around. “It’s not exactly classy to ditch everyone who ever cared about you.” She shook her head. Her messy blonde locks shuffled everywhere. “You’re right, Angel. I don’t know what it’s like. I might have been able to help—any of us could have, but you ditched us. Right back to the victim role. You didn’t deal!” She screamed. A few eyes looked there way, but she couldn’t care less. “You hid. You hid and let us all think you were dead. Who the hell do you think kept our parents together and alive? Who talked to Josh late at night when he couldn’t sleep? Who the fuck thought they’d failed there sister and couldn’t even breath in this world anymore because the only thing that she was fighting for was gone?” Her tears were back, but her anger hadn’t dissipated in the slightest. “So you’re right. My life is the only one that’s shattered because it disappeared a year ago. And fuck you, Angel for thinking you’re the only one who was trapped not able to see their loved ones.” Rowan’s hands were shaking so hard, even her legs shook. She knew it was more than just the anger. She needed that drink. “Fine, stay here and keep hiding for all I care. I need to leave,” she mumbled through the tears. But her legs gave out and she dropped to her knees. She cursed. “I’m still leaving,” she snapped. “I just need a second.”

[rowanxjames]

angelxjames:

After placing her phone down on the counter that she was standing behind to do some paperwork, Angel tried to forget about the conversation she’d just had with her older sibling. The blonde would have still come back here if she’d known just how difficult it would be to set foot in Grove Hill again. She was willing to rebuild things with her loved ones, no matter how long it took. But Rowan was acting like someone that the blonde didn’t even recognize - especially not when she actually came over to the store and Angel felt her sister’s hand slapping across her face. In that moment, she was left stunned, staring at the girl who she’d felt so close to in the past. Truth be told, Angel wasn’t sure which emotion was taking the overhand - anger or sadness. It was a mixture of both and it made her wonder how she and Rowan had ended up like this. “I never said I was. But I can’t fix my mistakes if I’m not being given that chance. And maybe you’re just not the person I thought you were because the Rowan that I used to know wouldn’t stoop so low with comments about my husband and coming in here to hit me in the face. So I suggest you leave my store before I decide to react with a slap of my own.” 

“I was out of my mind. You can’t possibly know what it was like for any of us. You can’t expect us to get over the past year in an instant. I’m still trying to piece my life back together after it was shattered—so is Josh, and our parents.” She swiped at her eyes. “I just need time. Do you hear me, Angel? Time. So stop attacking me like I’m in the wrong.” She turned to walk away. “Fine.” She turned back. “Actually one more thing, my sister would’ve come to me for help. She wouldn’t have abandoned me. So I don’t know you.” She swore under her breath. “Now I’m getting a fucking drink. Join me if you want.” She wanted to yell at her sister some more, but her hands were shaking. It felt like her body was rejecting her. She needed a drink. Or several. And maybe even something on top of that. But that was a whole other trail she needed to stay away from. If her sister followed, she would have to apologize for the slap.

[rowanxjames]

@angelxjames

Rowan dropped her phone into her purse and started walking. She was fuming. She couldn’t help it. Within minutes she’d grabbed a cab and was at her sister’s store in minutes. She marched into the store and found her sister. Without saying a word she slapped her. “Stop it. You are not the victim here.” Tears were falling out of her eyes despite her best effort. “You left behind waves of grief and you can’t act like your actions didn’t do it.”

[rowanxjames]

✉ Rowan

Angel: A minute? I've been back for weeks and not once have I seen you after the first time.

Angel: Bringing Josh up, that's real classy. Who's acting like a child now? And you're supposed to be the oldest?

Rowan: sue me! one year versus a little more than a week, heaven smite me I'm the devil

Rowan: yeah well I guess I had to get used to being an only child when my family fucking all left me to be on my own

Rowan: you don't know anything about me and I don't know anything about you, trust takes time, angel. Or did you forget that too?

[rowanxjames]

✉ Rowan

Angel: Who said I expect you to?

Angel: But things can't be fixed by staying away.

Angel: I learned that myself the hard way.

Angel: Anyway, I only texted to let you know that it's probably good you didn't show up because there was an attack during the event.

Angel: That's all. Feel free to go back to avoiding me.

Rowan: I was there, Angel. I know there was an attack. We all got rounded up and asked questions.

Rowan: why are you always such a child? you run away from your problems and then act like I'm the bad guy for needed a minute to process?

Rowan: you're acting like alexander, maybe you're spending too much time with him rather than your husband

[rowanxjames]

✉ Rowan

Angel: Yet here I am and you still don't want to see me.

Angel: So the way I see it, you can just go on with your life the way it was when I wasn't in it because that seems to be what you want anyway.

Angel: What kind of question is that? Of course I have and at least they're not avoiding me like you are.

Angel: My own husband probably wants to divorce me and now it appears that my sister wants to do the same thing.

Rowan: I had a job, I just wanted to get it done

Rowan: I'm not avoiding you forever!

Rowan: mom and dad barely held on by a thread, you know they talked about just ending it you know.

Rowan: I was the only here keeping them sane

Rowan: I'm thankful everyday you're alive, but that doesn't mean I forgive you for it right away

[rowanxjames]

✉ Rowan

Angel: Process by avoiding me? Care to explain how the hell that works?

Angel: You know what, Rowan, fine. I'll just stay out of your way and you can continue to pretend that I'm dead.

Angel: The city's big enough for the both of us.

Rowan: Hey! That's not fair

Rowan: You have no idea

Rowan: it is HELL without you

Rowan: have you even gone to see mom and dad?

[rowanxjames]

✉ Rowan

Angel: My own sister was avoiding me. Always nice to hear.

Angel: Is this some sort of payback?

Rowan: I have to process Angel!

Rowan: You can't just spring this on me and expect me to be okay.

Rowan: you were dead. how do you not get that?

[rowanxjames]

✉ Rowan

Angel: I didn't see you at the charity dinner last Friday.

Angel: Everything okay?

Rowan: I was working

Rowan: Okay... I was avoiding you too

[rowanxjames]

angelxjames:

Her breath got stuck in her throat, much like the lump that had formed there the second Rowan said her name. It broke her heart to see her sister this way - she could see the pain and sadness right before her because they were all on display. And that pain and sadness were all things that Angel had put there. It was her fault that Rowan looked and felt this way, because she’d been selfish and scared, simply assuming the people in her life were better off without her. But looking at the other blonde and seeing her expression made her think that she’d made the wrong decision. Had she made a mistake by pretending to be dead? Was Rowan not better off without her? Angel didn’t dare move, she gave her sister the space and time she needed to confirm that she was real and not a hallucination. Her own arms automatically found their way around Rowan in return, taking in her sister’s familiar scent and keeping the blonde’s body pressed against her own. She’d missed her sibling’s warmth because it had been a part of her life for so long and having that back in her life again now, even for a short while, was something that no money in the world could compare to. It was probably a lot for Rowan to process and she had to have a million questions, but Angel wanted to let both of them enjoy this moment, no matter how brief it might end up being. “I’m not…” Angel whispered once more, gently laying her chin upon Rowan’s shoulder with a soft smile decorating her lips. The blonde allowed one of her hands to gently brush over Rowan’s back in a comforting manner, wanting nothing more than to calm her sibling down right now. “None of it matters. I’m here now. You won’t lose me again, I promise.”

Rowan wrapped her arms back around her sister, bunching the fabric of her outfit into her fists. It was so surreal. She’d laid awake at night for hours thinking about this exact moment, but it hurt the most knowing it would never happen. It was happening now, not a dream but reality. Rowan still could quite believe it. She didn’t want to wait and open her eyes to find out it was a dream. “Of course it matters!” She pulled away but didn’t let go. “You were by all accounts dead. Mom and dad flipped! They’re a mess.” She frowned. “I was a mess.” She sighed and went back in for a hug. She couldn’t stop; it felt too easy to slip from her hands. She couldn’t lose Angel again. “Thank god,” she whispered in her sister’s ear. After the tears had stopped, Rowan pulled her sister over to a table. The place was nearly empty. She could escape for a little. “What happened to you?” she asked, dropping her voice to a whisper. “Why did you let us think you were dead?”

[rowanxjames]

angelxjames:

Angel had been visiting bars a lot more lately. It was where she went to wind down, attempting to push all thoughts of her ex husband and her family out of her mind. This was her home though and coming back here, even though it was just supposed to be to save Alex, was a lot for the young metahuman. She knew he needed saving and she was supposed to leave Grove Hill again after doing so, but he’d convinced her to stay and join his team of vigilantes. Only now, Angel feared that she’d run into familiar faces - people who thought she was dead because her mother and father in law tried to kill her. Everyone she cared about assumed that they’d been successful, but nothing could be further from the truth. The blonde hadn’t set foot inside Grove Hill bar & grill for a long time and she wasn’t aware of the fact that Rowan was working there - even right now. As fate would have it, she’d soon run into her older sibling, the second she pushed the door open and watched Rowan’s figure move around the bar. Angel froze upon reaching the counter and realizing that her own sister was within reach and that it was too late to turn around and pretend she was never here. She wasn’t that fast and Rowan would surely recognize her. Her mouth fell open, remaining agape as Angel stared at the sister she hadn’t seen in what felt like forever. She automatically looked her sister over, unable to speak louder than in a whisper - like she wasn’t really here and it was all a dream. “Rowan.”

Rowan’s smile slowly slipped off her face. She stared at the blonde woman in front of her long and hard. Slowly she began to shake her head. Tears immediately sprung to her eyes. She’d been sober all week. She was doing fine. Now she was having a hallucination? It looked so much more real than others. Could she be delusional now too? Tears threatening to spring over, Rowan tried to blink away the beautiful vision of her sister. But nothing seemed to make it go away. “Oh Angel,” she sighed, her tears finally betraying her. She walked over to where her sister was supposed to be, leaving the bar and hugged her. She was solid. Real under her touch. For a beat, she panicked that she’d just embraced a strange woman and would pull back to see their confusion face. But she didn’t. When she looked it was still her sister, standing there in her arms. “Angel?” she asked, her mouth dropping. “I-Is that really you?” Fresh tears stung her eyes, but this time they were of joy. “Oh my god, we thought you were dead!” She flung her arms back around her sister.

[kieraknightley]

[angelxjames-blog]

@rowanxjames

[rowanxjames]

Rowan ran a rag over the bar. She replaced the salt shakers and peanut bowls. She felt someone approach and without looking up from the other end of the bar, spoke up. “What can I getcha?” she called down to them. She ran the rag to the very end of the bar and turned to face the person who approached her.

[yourmuseco]

yourmuseco’s aesthetic series: the babydoll 

For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others;              for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness;       and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone.

                                - Audrey Hepburn

[radiation-baby]

[blairwarner]

molly, you’re gonna get through this. you’re the strongest out of all of us, and i’m not gonna let anything bad happen to you. not now, not ever.