Spaced Out

[dexmaddox]

Dex’s blue gaze was stormy as he brought it to meet Rowan’s. He chewed his lower lip, considering her words a moment. “You too,” he said in return, regarding her with a slight tilt of his head. Though they were each clearly guilty of doing so. It wasn’t the first time they’d exchanged careful words. Otherwise perhaps they’d be having a different conversation. He didn’t press though, catching the way she forcibly smiled in spite of her thanks. Dexter didn’t take it to heart in the least though. He knew better. Well-intended or not, it was hard to accept some things. Hard to reach out as well. “Yeah, I know what you mean. As much work as there is to be done, the downtime seems have carved out this ever-expanding hollow space.”

[rowanxmoore]

Another wry smile appeared as he suggested that she took her own advice - something she’d never been able to do. Long before she’d chosen to live her life in the stars she’d never been able to follow the logic in the words that she gave others herself. “Maybe one day.” Though it wouldn’t be any time soon when she’d already spent years going over that time in her head. The doctor nodded in agreement. “Both the solution and the cause. I try to keep myself busy but there’s only so much you can do.” It occurred to her, not for the first time,  that Dexter was perhaps the person out here with her who was most likely to understand and that made her a little more relaxed around him, slightly freer with her words. “I suppose we have to face it sometime though.”

[dexmaddox]

Routine || Rowan

[dexmaddox]

“Of course,” he chuckled. Rowan was always the professional first and foremost. Dexter admired her dedication to her work and to people, such as himself. Her attention to detail largely aided in his survival through the very worst of his planetary incident. He’d taken her ‘fine’ with a grain of salt, knowing how she was. “The dizzy spells have gotten just the slightest bit worse - as well as the nausea and shortness of breath at times.” Those things were all to be expected though really from the level of radiation exposure he experienced. It was a bit of a miracle he was alive, moreso that he was up and doing as well as he was already. He may have been downplaying things somewhat, used to soldiering through things. “I’m going to die much sooner than before, aren’t I?” He had an idea of what radiation poisoning does to the body. If it doesn’t kill you immediately, it kills you slowly. His organs and blood were damaged and tainted now. But it was a risk he’d been aware of going in.

[rowanxmoore]

A little hum of acknowledgement was given as Dexter recounted the side effects he was suffering. They were to be expected, though the doctor had been hoping that they’d been getting better not worse. Still, it was nothing she couldn’t handle. “I don’t know if I should be offended you have such little faith in me or not.” There was a teasing note to her voice, underlined by the wry smile that was hinting at the corner of her lips. In her experience, it put most of her patients at ease. After all, she’d never been one to joke about someone’s life actually being in danger. So while the man’s condition was far from desirable, treatments had come a long way and radiation happened to be her speciality - one of the reasons she’d managed to land her job in the first place. “You’ll live. For a good few more years if I get my way.” The words were firm but reassuring and filled with the fact that  Rowan wasn’t about to let anyone die on her watch. Especially not Dexter.

[dexmaddox]

“I am too…” The engineer said lowly, dropping his gaze toward the floor. “I wasn’t fair.” He’d made Carter live his life with clipped wings, letting him standing in his shadow and love him there under the scrutiny of prying eyes and curious souls. Dexter wasn’t ready to be public and in Carter dying, he never would get to be. Perhaps he would have strung him along forever though. A sigh fell from barely parted lips and he shoved his hands into his pockets. “That doesn’t mean the pain won’t follow you.” He was trying to imply that he suspected as much with her. “I know I’m not a professional or anything, Rowan, but if you ever need to get anything off of your chest, I’m willing to listen and offer whatever knowledge or advice I can if you ever want it.” It was the least he could offer her in return for all she’d done for him, both professionally and what little personally - it still went a long way with him. 

[rowanxmoore]

Once more there was sympathy filling her eyes. “Don’t let what ifs tear you up, Dexter.” The doctor had done it herself plenty of times and she knew how destructive and damaging it was to do so. “Thank you.” While her words were sincere and grateful, the tight lipped smile she sent his way before looking away was obviously not. She didn’t know why she did that, shut off her real emotions for anyone who might have been close to caring about her. Maybe some sort of defence mechanism. It wouldn’t be possible for her to get hurt again if she never let anyone else get close enough. Rowan knew what he was offering was well intended and she also knew that he didn’t have to be a professional for it to help her if she ever took him up on the offer. Whether she would or not was yet to be seen. “I just want a distraction from it and this job was the biggest distraction going.” 

[dexmaddox]

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m so thankful to have made it here. This is everything I ever wanted. It’s just…it was supposed to be different, you know?” He sighed, thinking back to all of the things he and Carter had discussed. All the little things they had loosely planned. They were all things Dex had secretly committed to, and lived for. And now they all just lay by the wayside, abandoned in the absence of his best friend, his lost love. “It’s close - to the time that it happened, I mean. The nightmares have started again.” If he were being transparently honest, they never actually stopped. They just weren’t as frequent or aggressive anymore.

[rowanxmoore]

The redhead just listened, fingers laced tightly around her mug. There were parts of his speech she could relate to, their lives supposed to being different but others she was helplessly ill-equiped to deal with.  So she chose the only route that made any sense, honesty. “I’m sorry, Dexter.” The doctor knew the words couldn’t bring back the man he’d loved or change the past or even make the nightmares go away but she didn’t have anything else to give but her most heartfelt feeling. The words may have been hushed and almost whispered but Rowan just hoped her could recognise the emotion laced in the three simple words. “I can’t imagine what that’s like for you.” For a moment, sh blows in her tea once more as she tries to decide whether or not to continue. “It’s close for me too but that day was a nightmare, not something that gives them.”

[dexmaddox]

Of all the physicians he’d been poked and prodded by, Rowan was by far Dexter’s favorite one. She’d grown to become more than just someone who examined him for his health, but a friend as well. Someone he was more comfortable with than most others even. His blue gaze traveled back over to the redhead at her remark, his own features slightly pained. “I’m not sure it makes any different for me.” He paused then cleared his throat. “Even after all this time it manages to find ways to overwhelm me,” Dex admitted, but failed to mention the longing he felt to be held again. 

[rowanxmoore]

There’s a frown on her features, though her eyes are filled with compassion. While most days her decision to leave the planet seemed pointless, there were others she was thankful for it and she couldn’t imagine it not making any difference to her. She knew all about feelings overwhelming you, though hers tended to be ones of inadequacy. “You know, if you ever want to talk about it.” The doctor let her words trail off, knowing that the offer had been made clear enough but not wanting to force him into sharing any of it. Rowan herself knew how difficult it was to share with people, even those she respected and thought as highly of as Dexter. Still, there were bits she let slip every now and again giving him some sort of hazy picture of her past. 

[dexmaddox]

Dexter had always noticed the slightest bit of melancholy hiding within the flight surgeon’s likely manufactured smiles. Much like like his own. The similarity was probably why he took notice. His pain followed and haunted him no matter where he went. Perhaps amplified being so isolated in space. He didn’t often wander at night, taking to being reclusive within his quarters when restless instead usually. But he needed to be elsewhere. Needed other sights and other distractions. Maybe he even hoped for this. “Never any harm in the good doctor’s company,” he replied with a warmer smile. It was near to the anniversary of the accident. He always fell into a sort of gloom he tried his best to fight and contain. But Rowan saw glimpses of breaks that the others did not witness. “Every year it never gets easier.” Dex whispered, gazing out at the stars before dropping his gaze to the floor.

[rowanxmoore]

Rowan laughed, caught slightly off guard by his comment, amused at his use of the phrase 'good doctor' and finding it slightly laughable that she was good company. Maybe it was the lateness of the night or the unspoken understanding the two seemed to have of each other but Dexter always managed to bring her emotions out more than anyone else. Her eyes softened at his admission and if he'd been looking her way instead of the floor he'd have seen sadness and sympathy lingering in her blue eyes. A soft sigh escaped her. "I know that feeling." Rowan knew their two experiences to be completely different, his love had been taken from him when hers had chosen to walk away from her. He was grieving while she was just bitter and hurt. "Some days are easier than others though. Being here helps."

[dexmaddox]

Dexter hadn’t been a good sleeper since his time at war. Chiefly, since the blast that got his best friend killed and his back covered in decorative reminders that still pained him every so often. Especially since the radiation exposure incident that also nearly claimed his life recently. Many would call him a lucky man. But for Dex it felt more like death was taunting him, making him stare down his mortality. He was wholly distracted by the sight of the vast universe out the viewing windows when a familiar voice disturbed him, causing him to turn toward her. “Nah. Thought the view here might help though,” the engineer admitted with a tired smile that failed to reach his eyes.

[rowanxmoore]

There was a little smile that tugged at the corner of her lips, though like Dexter's it didn't meet her eyes. She was sure when the last time one of hers had, maybe going as far back as before her would be wedding day. It was amazing it still bothered her but that sort of betrayal and total shock to the system never really left you. There'd been some hope that space would clear her head but in truth it had just given her more time to play it over and over in her head, torture herself with where she'd gone wrong. By now she had a million ideas but still no answers. "It usually helps me. And the quiet." There was a little smirk before she took a sip from her tea. "Though I guess there's no harm in some company every now and again."

[rowanxmoore]

Sleepless nights weren't something that happened regularly for Rowan, they tended to take her by surprise. Like tonight had. She'd been busy enough throughout the day and her mind was as calm as it had been and yet sleep eluded her no matter how hard she tried. With nothing else to do she'd made herself so tea and padded through the ship's corridors to end up at her usual spot, only to see that she wasn't alone. "Hey." The words were soft so as not to surprise him. The red head took up a seat, legs tucked up underneath her and fingers wrapped around her mum, she regarded him over the rim as she blew gently to cool her drink down. "Couldn't sleep either?"

[dexmaddox]

Routine || Rowan

@rowanxmoore

A few crew members had to evacuate the surface of their latest landing site early due to an unexpected storm. One that came in more rapidly than anticipated and far worse than initially predicted. Not before getting caught by the start of it though. Dexter was one of those individuals. Visibility diminished as the storm rushed in and he hadn’t even seen the debris coming right at him. Luckily, his helmet held, though his display was cracked and malfunctioning, leaving just enough of a micro-breech to allow radiation to begin leaking in. Meanwhile the pressure in his suit dropped and it became steadily more difficult to breathe, and focus, and walk….and remain conscious.

With the aid of the fellow crew members along with him, he made it back to the lander and they took off in time to escape the worsening storm. Dexter, however, did lose consciousness…and suffered the effect of some severe radiation poisoning. They were forced to abandon that little side mission and move on to the next, preserving all they could of the experiments on the surface their with what little time they’d had. Thankfully, all the data recorded was stored on a shared network with the ship’s systems as well so they could further analyze their findings for anything of possible significance. 

It had been some time since the incident itself, but the effects were lasting and some symptoms didn’t even present for a week or so. Which meant frequent check-ups with the crew’s resident doctor, Rowan Moore. He didn’t mind her company and while he wasn’t particularly a fan of being poked and prodded, he was more than used to it with all of his service. As for Rowan, Dex had gotten to know her somewhat over the duration of the mission so far, and she’d gotten to know him some as well. They all learned about one another during the candidacy program in various aspects, but being confined to the same closed-quarters as the same handful of individuals every day for years meant getting to know them on a more personal level. Whether they shared many private details or not. You got to know their habits, their preferences, their comforts, and moods.

Some you get to know better than others. Some you get along with better than others. Some you connect with more than others.

“Dr. Moore,” he greeted casually as he wandered into the med bay for his scheduled exam and went through the habitual practice of awkwardly removing his shirt with a wince for her and taking a seat on the table. Since the radiation, the burn scars he’d previously obtained in the military had been tender. “How are you this evening?”

[rowanxmoore]

It was easy to have a set routine when part of your day was already mapped out for you with meal times and such but Rowan herself had her whole day planned to perfection. She knew what she’d be doing every minute of ever day and ran a tight schedule. Perhaps to others it could become monotonous or boring but it was something she clung to. That familiarity in the face of so much unknown. Control was something she craved and while it didn’t take much to recognise that there was plenty that was out of her hands, like the recent storm for example, it didn’t change her view on the matter. After all, the worst thing that ever happened to her was both a surprise and out of her control.

Maybe that’s why when Dexter Maddox walks in on time for his examination he receives a pleased smile for her which is quickly followed by a wry one as she replied in turn. “Maddox.” It wasn’t often she diverged much from soft words and reassuring smiles with her patients but she’d known the man since the selection process so her was one of the few to get one of those very fleeting glimpses of the personality she kept buried down under professionalism. 

“I’m fine.” Despite how he was the one who knew most about her, though scarcely much more than the others, the redhead still said the same words she did to everyone else. She wondered how many more times she’d have to repeat the lie before it eventually became the truth. It might have been years but her heart still weighed heavy at the betrayal she’d faced.

Swiftly her own answer was replaced by some gentle teasing while she washed her hands quickly and thoroughly. “But it’s really you we need to be answering that question.”

Her blue eyes ran over his torso, inspecting it for anything untoward. If one good thing had come from Jackson leaving her at the alter it was the change in career path. She was far more challenged here than she ever would have been if she’d remained grounded on earth. There was nothing obviously worse since the last time she’d checked him, just some nasty scars which she knew from his file were more his military days. “Have you noticed any changes? Felt any more pain than usual?”

[raptorxtrainer-deactivated20210]