I have a deep, dark secret ... Well, it's not that deep, really. And it's not that dark either. At least not in my view. But to society, unfortunately it might seem a little iffy and taboo. You see, I have a mental disorder. It sounds pretty weird and dry saying it like that because I am a real person with thoughts, feelings, hopes and wants and it doesn't seem right that I can be put in a box like that, but according to diagnostic criterions in DSM-IV I do. I have what they call "generalized anxiety disorder". I don't think about it every day and it doesn't define me. But it is there, and ever so often I am reminded of this fact. Through experience and my studies I've come to realize I will never completely "cure" myself of my anxietal tendencies, but I've learned to live with them. Usually in harmony, but sometimes it gets the best of me. Generalized anxiety disorder is characterized by constant stress and worrying about daily things, a person suffering from it worries about the same things as other people; school, work, friends, homework, schedule, children and so on... However, the worrying is very extreme and out of proportion. A person with generalized anxiety disorder experiences a lot more worries and stronger worries than the average person. A few years ago I would for example usually not answer the phone if I didn't recognize the number calling. I can't tell you why, it just triggered a gush of anxiety rushing through me. The same happened often if a person I know would call me out of the blue. Anxiety would blow up because I didn't know why the person was calling me. And I would even often not be able to read emails from people I've been in contact with, for some reason it would cause major anxiety within me. In addition to that my days have often been characterized by fear and worry. After a night hanging with a friend I would worry about how I probably talked to much or said something stupid and now they didn't like me anymore. I would worry constantly about school and tests. I could even start to get small anxiety attacks about not having already started an essay I needed to return after a month. I very well knew my fears and worrying were irrational and unneccessary, but still I couldn't stop worrying. To this day I have a hard time sitting around doing nothing. And I feel like I always must be doing something. And this something usually doesn't involve me relaxing or lazying around the apartment. Sounds weird and crazy, right? Well, this is my reality, as well for as much as 7 million adult Americans, and a hell of a lot more people worldwide. You get it, it's actually quite common. But! Enough about this interesting disease ... I wanted to talk about battling it I struggled with my anxiety quite a lot until a few years ago when I rediscovered working out and I found exercise keeps my anxiety mostly at bay. But the wheels really started turning when I found pole dance. The problem I had before was that working out wasn't really such a passion for me. I didn't find it so inherently fun, and often had to drag my ass to practice, just because I knew it was good for me. I'd faithfully count my practices - 5 times a week. However since starting pole dance I didn't feel the need to anymore. Going to practices, trying stuff at home, trying to work on moves, tricks and turns was so fun that I didn't have to think about it at all. I gained confidence in myself when I mastered something new, gained strength and flexibility. My anxiety got progressively smaller with each day and each practice. My anxiety hardly bothers me at all these days. Usually, it creeps up on me when I neglect my practices and workouts because of schoolwork or other demands I, for some crazy reason, deem more important than my mental health. But I've decided to stop doing that. From now on, my mental and emotional health will be in the first place. There is no value in earning the highest grade on a test if you can't sleep at night due to stress. There is nothing more important than your health, mental and physical. Take care of yourself. Mental disorders shouldn't be kept in the dark, away from other people. We should be able to openly talk about them without fearing we will be looked at in another light than before. Sufferers shouldn't have to fear judgement. After all, a mental disorder doesn't define a person. A person is much, much more than their disorder. Help spread the message if you have a mental disorder or if you know someone close to you that does. Chances are you do, even if you don't know you do.
