Saturday afternoon pole updates.
So I think I’m reaching a real turning point! I feel like the reason i suck so bad is because my FORM is really bad all the time. And I’m slowly figuring out how to correct that? I feel like I could not do that before because every thing felt unfamiliar, I can’t think about all the different parts of my body and how they should move and flex all at once. Nothing was intuitive and still isn’t. Also I just straight up didn’t have the strength to maintain good form before. Like someone can correct my form, and as soon as I go to do the exercise, I drop the form and lurch. I literally couldn’t hold it and still struggle. But it’s all coming together. And I speculate that this is what happens every time I have ever tried anything physical. I lack the strength to maintain posture and form and it negates my ability to perform well. But I can feel that changing. I’m getting stronger all the time.
Today someone in class was totally a doppleganger of someone I’ve met in classes before, so I smiled at her when our eyes met, even though she had said this was her first time. I assumed she meant for her friend that she brought. Turns out, nope! It was not her lol which was totally fine she did not find out. She asked me “this wasn’t your first time, was it?” Implying that she was watching me and thought in some way that I was particularly prepared or familiar with the activity. If she didn’t think that way, I think she would have phrased it differently. It feels strange, but I am trying to take it as evidence that I don’t suck as much as I think I do. I’m choosing to believe she saw me and thought “that person knows what they’re doing” to some extent.
I bitch a lot about being terrible at pole, and how it isn’t fun. But I know that it will be. And it’s really the only thing that has inspired me (so far) to like long term be stronger. I can easily see myself feeling comfortable in the studio, giving new people pointers, chatting with teachers and long time dancers, even doing solos in showcases. I’m not trying to be presumptuous, this is just the normal pathway for me. I have a big personality, I like to feel comfortable and take up space, and I like to feel involved and step into things when other people don’t.
Maybe I’ll invite my little pole group chat out to the anime rave I’m going to tonight. I’m sure it’s not their scene, but maybe someone will want to go anyways.
Ok I’m starting to zone out. I need to go shower.
