Hi, I know you canât share the letters for ethical reasons, but could you share some tips on how to write effective fuck you letters? It sounds like a useful skill to have.
Oh absolutely. So a fuck you letter should always be in response to an inciting action from another party. We donât write âfuck youâ letters unprompted, we write them to illicit a specific âoh shit, Iâve fucked upâ reaction from the recipient. Furthermore, the inciting action on the part of the other party ideally has to be wrong. Now, when I say wrong, I really mean two things: 1) that it would incense a reasonable person, and 2) that itâs the type of action that people can get in trouble for.
So, Iâm going to make a example up to demonstrate. This example has literally nothing to do with the type of letters I write, but I think it illustrates my process. Say you live in a neighborhood that has a Homeownerâs Association, but your house was built prior to the HOA forming and no owner of the house, including you, has ever agreed to join. You hung up a Pride flag on your porch last June, which is unremarkable, as many houses have flags displayed on their front porch; some are purely decorative, others convey meanings, like your neighborâs Blue Lives Matter flag, or your other neighborâs Build the Wall flag. The day after hanging the flag, you go on vacation for a week. When you return, you find that your Pride flag is missing, and you also find a letter in the mail from the HOA stating that you have 24 hours to remove the flag or it will be removed and you will be billed for the cost of its removal. You have, furthermore, recieved a bill for 200 dollars for the expenses incurred by the HOA in removing your flag.
Okay, so we obviously have our wrong act. So now weâre onto Stage Two, and this is the most important stage, Fact Gathering and Research. The obvious move is to find proof that the HOA had no right to enter your land or remove your property, and naturally weâll do that as the very first thing, but really, is that going to make them sweat? We want them to sweat. So, letâs find news articles about other times this HOA or other HOAs in this neighborhood have entered someoneâs property and removed or materially altered the property. Letâs find out what happened to them - were they sued? How much did they get hit for? Was there a ton of negative publicity? How did that impact housing prices?
Even though youâre not a member of the HOW, can you get a copy of the bylaws and see what they say about decorations outside homes that are part of the HOA? Is there a rule against displaying all flags? How about the neighbors? Have any of them recieved demands to take their flags down?
How about researching the demographics of the neighborhood? Do any gay couples live there? Have any gay couples applied and been denied housing there? Does the jurisdiction you live in have a law against discriminating against housing applicants due to sexual orientation? Has anyone ever complained that the HOA has acted in a discriminatory fashion against them because theyâre gay? What penalties are available in your jurisdiction if that were the case? Are any of those complaints still pending, and could the complainants use the HOAâs act of removing your flag as proof of discriminatory intent?
What about the bill for $200? How was it calculated? Was it based on the time it took to remove the flag? Did it actually take that amount of time? Do you or your neighbors have a video doorbell that might have captured the removal of the flag? Who actually removed the flag? Did they say anything while removing it that might bolster your argument that the HOA acted with the intent to discriminate against gay people?
How about your own property? Did anything get damaged in the course of the flagâs removal? How much was the flag worth? How much was the property damage worth? Have you spent money related to this incident?
Once youâre done with your fact gathering and research, youâre onto stage 3, which is organizing the letter. So, you line up everything youâve figured out, and arrange it from âleast scary to the HOAâ to âpants shittingly terrifying for the HOA.â Letâs say here, least scary is probaby âthe cost to replace your flagâ and most scary is âthe prospect of a ton of lawsuits from other people who have been discriminated against and the prospect of publicity that will cause every HOA associated homeâs property value to tank,â with a bunch of other stuff in the middle. Start with establishing that youâre not subject to HOA rules, and then walk them, sentence by sentence, step by step, through just how badly theyâve fucked up, and the bad outcomes they can expect in response to their fuck up.
Finish by telling them who else youâre copying on the letter, if it makes strategic sense to do so and will result in a better outcome for everyone thatâs been wronged. In this case, you might think about a variety of gay friendly organizations, local news media, and governmental representatives. Wrap it up by asking them to provide you with a list of the actions that they intend to take to repair the damage that theyâve done to you and to the community within, say, fourteen days, so that you can give that to your attorney in order to help you consider how best to respond to their actions.
End with the most brutally infuriating sentence known to man: âThank you for your kind attention to this issue.â
Youâll sleep like a baby once that letterâs in the mail.
