Kalina x Lena - “I’m going crazy”
@chaoticcravings
One of the frustrating parts of Lena’s blackouts was the fact that she had no indication of when they were going to occur. It wasn’t like something switched in her mind and she knew what was coming. There was no twitch her hand or feeling in the pit of her stomach. It was like she blinked and everything went black. No magical lead up, no signal, just nothing. Part of Lena craved some type of indication of what was coming. That way she would be able to bolt herself up in her room to protect everyone else. Instead she was left with the uncertainty, the dread that at any moment something would flick the switch and she would lose all control of herself.
Coming out of a blackout was like waking up after a drunken night of partying. Her head pounded and she had no recollection of anything that had happened. She didn’t know what time of the day it was, she couldn’t explain the cuts she had over her hands and nothing was around her to give her any indication. “What did you do?” she whispered to herself. The Polish princess was doing her best to keep her breathing steady, but everything around her was a blur. Everything in that moment just felt heightened. Her head whipped around to follow the sound of what seemed like footsteps. It took a second for her eyes to focus completely on the person, but when they came into view her heart sank. Were ghosts really coming now to haunt her in these moments? Kalina wasn’t somebody that Lena had seen for a long time. It was as quickly as she came into her life and pronounced part of the family that she was swept away. Not before burdening the princess with a jealous and somewhat distaste for the girl. Maybe that was it, everyone Lena ever had bad feelings about were going to haunt her when the blackouts happened. “It finally happened, I”m going crazy,” she started rambling, grabbing her head between her hands to try and make herself find any sense of sane that she had left. “I had a grievance and this is my punishment.” In that moment Lena felt like she could feel the world spinning beneath her feet.
Kalina was trying to keep her head down. Her father had told her to be careful, after all her ‘mother’ didn’t know she was here. As far as she knew, she was under the influence of copious amounts of drugs and all but strapped to a bed in a glorified insane asylum. Of course the doctors there could be bought so they weren’t exactly treating Kalina by the book. Or she wouldn’t have been there at all. Truthfully, her dad hadn’t given her any idea of what to do in seeing her sister’s, she just assumed he had taken care of it. Not like she really knew them anyway. Her ‘mother’ had made it clear she wasn’t wanted near the others. She’d always assumed she’d just been against the adoption, that raising her father’s bastard child wasn’t something she’d wanted to do but something she’d done anyway. Even year or two, her father’s will must have given way because he was not able to barter her way into events anymore either. It was night time, and Kalina couldn’t sleep. Her mind was on the shooting. With everything going on, this new place and the drugs finally having swept through her system she could really think about it. She thought about the gun pointed at her head, the wound in her stomach. She remembered touching it and feeling the blood spill over her hands. She even remembered seeing him laying on the floor next to her after the second loud noise. The walk helped a little bit. She couldn’t see him as clearly in the light and different surroundings. In the shadows and the dark, he played easily in and out of her vision. There was no place in mind. Just somewhere. At least until she found herself running into Lena. She almost didn’t recognize her at first, didn’t realize who she was. Lena was always so perfectly put together, and this didn’t look like her. The rambling and mumbling sent Kalina for a loop. Is this what her father had meant when he said it wouldn’t be a problem? Had the girl lost her mind? “Lena?” It was hard to fight the confusion. It was also hard to feel a tiny bit satisfied. Lena might not have been a ringleader in her torture, but she had outcast her and ignored her just as much as the next. Alongside that, she had her family. She hadn’t had the people who had loved and cared for her murdered. Kalina’s whole life was a lie. Her name wasn’t even really Kalina. She felt jealous for Lena and the simplicity of not having that. “You’re not looking so hot,” she tried to keep a control on her tone.
Although she didn’t completely intend to isolate the girl, before Kalina was introduced to being part of the family, the Marek’s were the picture perfect family. They were powerful and had two daughters who would be able to rule when they got the chance. A lot of the fighting against siblings were hidden from the public. The last thing they needed was someone to question their standing and loyalties. Everything seemed to go downhill in Lena’s world when Kalina joined their family. Her father became stricter over any little thing and her mother pushed her harder than she had ever been before. Lena became sour over the times that she saw how their father completely doted over Kalina. Even when they were just one happy family he never treated her as good. She also noticed the conflict between her mother and Kalina. Not wanting to lose another parent Lena became somewhat protective over her mother. Even if she was strict and unruly.
The longer that Kalina stood in front of the girl the more her mind spiralled. How on earth was it possible to have gotten to this stage? She was doing so much just to keep ahead of her blackouts. Precautions, medications, she would try anything once to see if it had an effect over them or not. When the girl spoke up she knew that this was something more than just a delerium. “Okay, what was that book,” she whispered to herself. Lena was a bookworm. She loved to get lost in fictional stories that was a world outside of her own. But there were also self-help books and ones that she used for school work. “Hold yourself against something solid and count three things you can hear.” At this point Lena had leaned herself against a brick wall, her palms cold against the brick. “Breathing, trees rustling and a bird chirping.” It was a technique she read about for people having panic attacks. A way to feel present in the moment. “Two things you can touch,” she whispered to herself. “The brick wall and the ground.” Taking a deep breath in she prepared herself, feeling calmer and slightly back in the moment already. “One thing you can see..” Her head began to turn around and even in her calmer state she could still see Kalina standing and watching her clear as day. “Kalina?” she finally questioned. “You’re actually here?”
A small part of Kalina honestly thought she herself might have been hallucinating this entire scene. This just didn’t feel right. Her whole life, ever since she’d known Lena, the girl had been entirely put together. Not a hair out of place, grades perfect. She was perfect, as far as Kalina had known growing up. Kind to everyone asides from her perhaps. The perfect princess, everything her parents could have wanted. Sure, she didn’t hold half as much stock in her ‘adoptive mother’ now that she knew the truth, but before, she’d been desperate to impress her, to be more than just the child of a love affair. She’d given up eventually, but that jealousy still sat uncomfortably in her gut. Now here she was, looking frazzled and unkept. Kalina almost didn’t believe it. There was nothing wrong with perfect Lena. Or maybe there was an all the hoops and flawlessness had just been a mask. The femme realized rather quickly wherever Lena was, she was hardly present enough to acknowledge her. So she gave up on trying to speak, and just watched carefully, cautiously almost. Perhaps this was all some cruel joke. Some prank meant to trip her up. It was hard to say honestly. Finally, some clarity made it’s way to Lena’s blue eyes. “Yes, father sent me,” she told the girl easily. It was a little bit harder now, deciding what to call the man who’d raised her. Sure, biologically he was her father. But it was hard to even know who he was supposed to be to her. After all, someone else had called her daughter once too. It was all very confusing.
From Lena’s perspective it didn’t matter how much she tried, she was never enough in her mother or father’s eyes. It didn’t matter how perfect she tried to be, how she attempted to uphold the Marek family name in respect and devotion. Her father continued to secretly dote over Kalina, meanwhile her mother just kept upping the expectation. She had to be better than the day before. Better than their competition, and now better than her own siblings. It really was a deep cut throat world. Did her parents know she was essentially failing again? They somehow knew when she was taking the pills, she wouldn’t put it past them to now know that she was rebelling against their teachings and expectations. Hell, had her father sent Kalina to be a spy? Lena had always overheard fights between her parents. Some of them had been about what her mother considered the bastard child. A million thoughts were racing through Lena’s mind and she couldn’t quite piece all of them together to make functional theories. “Right..” she whispered to herself as she brushed her dirty palms against her jeans to attempt to clean them. Although not intentional, there was a hint of jealousy in her voice. She was slowly coming back to the reality that was in front of her, and how it wasn’t just a delirium manifested by her own head. “What did he send you here for?” The more she thought about it the more she remembered how Kalina one day just disappeared from the house completely. Nothing was said to Lena or Alexa about where she was going or why. Whenever Lena brought it up to her dad she was quickly shut down and told to mind of her business. “Wait, where were you for the last, god, few years? You can’t have been in boarding school all that time.”
Honestly Kalina wasn’t really sure what had happened with the boarding school thing. A part of her had asked to go, or at least suggested going away. But she knew her adoptive mother had been adamant about it. Kalina wasn’t stupid enough to believe the woman had actually adopted her because she wanted to. She knew she only did it for the publicity of the whole thing. It made her look like a saint, forgiving her cheating husband and taking care for his bastard child as a mother would. Behind closed doors it’d been a different story. Either way, one morning she’d woken up and all of her bags had been packed up for her. She was shipped off and slowly but surely the times she saw her sisters and ‘mother’ dwindled down to nothing. Her father came around, but only when he could sneak away to do so. “Probably so I can behave like a royal even when nobody is expected to treat me as such,” there was more distaste in her words than bitterness. She wasn’t bitter so much that she wasn’t considered a royal. The title mattered little to her. For her it was more the fact that she wasn’t treated like a human most times. “Boarding school and college,” she tried to hide her displeasure at the question. Honestly had either of the women called her sisters even noticed she had gone? Maybe that was better than if they’d celebrated it.
As much as her parents might have tried to hide their imperfections or disagreements, they always bit at each other one way or another. It was impossible not to go a day without Kalina being mentioned in one way or another. Despite trying to be perfect none of their children were devoid of flaws. Lena had come out of a blackout one night to find herself with her older sister Alexa. No matter how much she tried to get answers about what had happened she refused to budge or given any indication of what happened. It only filled Lena with the worst thoughts. Shortly after she noticed how depressed her sister got. Then with Kalina, Lena always had a despisement for the girl. As if one day she would just swoop in and take everything from her. Her presence only added the pressure that the youngest Marek already faced. Of course that left Lena. Sometimes she wondered why her parents even chose her to be the one to take the throne when she often felt like she had the most baggage. As long as facilities and the estate kept their mouths shut though that wasn’t a problem that they had to deal with. As her sister spoke, Lena could feel a pang of jealousy. All her life she had worked to please her parents, to be the perfect princess and the perfect future ruler for her country. But secretly, there was a part of her that craved more. The opportunity to study something that wasn’t linked to the throne. And here Kalina was, getting the opportunity to do that. Lena would never hurt a fly, but there was definitely some bad blood between the sister’s that had never been aired out. “Lucky you,” she muttered through gritted teeth.
This was the Lena she knew, right here. Every wall in the world that could be pitched was just as quickly as she’d been down. It made her wonder if she really had hallucinated the girl looking so unkept. Perhaps appearance wise she hadn’t put herself together. But the perfect little princess act was already up. As if she was so much better than Kalina somehow. At least that’s how Kalina had always saw it. Perhaps Lena would take a different stance when she was on the throne, but she treated her as much like a bastard as the older snobby royals. It was impossible for the blonde to see some of what her sister showed was jealousy. “Well, it’s no paid private tutoring sessions of course,” she drawled, any amusement in her tone falling lame. Kalina wasn’t sure if she was jealous at all for the caveats that Lena likely got for being a royal. Someone fluffing her pillow every night or having every little thing she wanted simply given to her wasn’t what she wanted. At school she’d had plenty of people buzzing around her for her royal connection as if she’d been the top of foodchain. Though she’d quickly knocked that image from the mind’s of the others. What she really wanted was to be treated like a human, at least by her own sisters. Not that she’d ever say as much. “What exactly are you doing out anyway?” She inquired, curious about the girl’s state she’d discovered her in.
In that moment Lena still might have her appearance as unkempt and to put it bluntly, a complete disaster. But now she was back in control. She was able to hide any uncertainty that she had been experiencing. Act as though she didn't have a million worries or thoughts racing through her mind about what had happened. Whether anyone had been hurt during her blackout. Nobody needed to know just how out of touch with reality she really was. The people that did didn't show an ounce that they cared about Lena's problem and difficulty. She was just another disappointment in her parents eyes. A throwaway considering how hard they worked to hold the throne and keep Marek's in power. "No that just comes with the territory," she piped up. Tutoring wasn't uncommon at the estate. In fact a lot of teachers and even some royals had volunteered their time to help others with their class work. Lena was one that had volunteered. Anything to add to her version of a resume was something her mother and father strongly encouraged. If on the outside she looked put together and like she was better than other candidates, they would be able to look past Lena's blackouts if anyone ever found out. There was a cut on her arm and blood on her palms. Part of her wished that it had been blood from the cut but she had her strong suspicions that it was something worse. Wiping her palms against her pants, it was like she was trying to wash it all away. With each rub she felt like she was just losing whatever sense she had about anything. She didn't feel like bluffing her way out of the situation. She was tired. Her mind was too fuzzy to even think of what kind of excuse she could possibly have for the way that Kalina found her in. "I.." she began, struggling to get the truth out. She had always been told not to tell anyone. That they wouldn't understand. But this was her sister. She had to have some kind of insight, right? "I don't know." When Lena finally spat it out she felt like she was glued to the ground. Like any kind of movement would spark some kind of negative reaction.
