All of the side effects

Rachael🌈28

[rtgsweets]

Is it the PMDD or do I really just want to disappear

[materialistses]

Alexa Demie as Maddy Perez for Cassie & Nate’s wedding in ‘EUPHORIA’ Season 3

[rtgsweets]

She crept in my dreams again last night…

When will my mind let her go?

[rtgsweets]

Still wish I could just disappear

[rtgsweets]

Happy birthday.

I’ve been thinking about you all day, even though I tried not to. It’s strange this is the first one I’m not part of, and it feels like time split somewhere between then and now. Last year was chaos, and you were there anyway patient, gentle, holding things together when I couldn’t. I told you I’d make it up to you. I really believed I would.

But here we are. The promise just sits in the air, unkept and unfinished. I can still picture how it was supposed to go us laughing about everything that went wrong, turning it into another story only we’d understand. Instead, it’s quiet now. Just memories that still hum under my skin.

I keep wondering how your day is going. If you’re surrounded by people who see what I saw that quiet kind of light you carry without realizing it. I hope so. You deserve that, even if it’s not from me anymore.

Still, I miss you. The calm you brought, the way you looked at me like I was something soft and worth keeping. It’s hard knowing I’ll never feel that again not like that, not from you.

So this is me keeping my promise the only way I can. Not with a celebration, but with honesty. You mattered. You still do.

Happy birthday. Wherever you are tonight, I hope the world feels kind to you.

— Snow

[rtgsweets]

It starts in my stomach

a slow, liquid ache,

like my body remembers

what my mind can’t stop replaying.

You were October light

warm and fading all at once,

and I was July moon,

clinging to a sky already turning cold.

Now every thought of you

drips through me,

a quiet grief that lives in the gut,

not the heart

the heart still tries to reason,

the gut just knows you’re gone.

It’s disbelief that tastes like longing,

the kind that makes the air heavy,

that makes my hands forget

they have no right to reach for you anymore.

I still catch the ghost of your laugh

in the hum of night drives,

still feel your warmth

in the spaces between songs,

still ache in that same place

low, sinking,

where love used to live.

And though you’re not mine anymore,

my body keeps asking for you,

in whispers,

in aches,

in every slow, dripping reminder

that letting go

isn’t something you do

it’s something that happens to you,

one heartbeat at a time.

[rtgsweets]

I would rather sit in silence,

than drown in noise that masquerades as love.

Better the weight of solitude

than the hollow hands of those

who reach only for appearance,

not for truth.

Care is not a costume,

not a word said once and forgotten…

it is presence,

it is proof,

it is the quiet act of showing up.

So in all relations, in every regard,

I choose honesty, even if it leaves me alone,

over the slow erosion

of trust wrapped in disguise.

#alone #betrayal #sad #loyalty #trust

[rtgsweets]

If only they knew

how each morning

is a verdict…

to rise or to vanish,

to coax a flicker of light

from a wick that keeps drowning

in its own wax.

If only they knew

how I disappear

behind a smile

I fasten like a mask,

behind a laugh

I sculpt from ashes,

serving warmth to strangers

while I freeze.

If only they knew

that I keep my days full

not from joy but survival,

to drown out the echoes

of an empty room,

to muffle the thought

that I am already gone.

People don’t see

that when the door closes,

I collapse into silence,

a ghost in my own skin…

failure pressing like a hand

over my mouth,

breath a battle,

bones heavy with shame.

They don’t know

how my hair resists the brush,

how my teeth feel like stone,

how clothes are a costume

I’m too tired to wear.

They don’t know

how hard it is just to breathe.

No one knows.

And no one truly cares.

And the only hands

that can drag me out

are my own…

but even my hands

are trembling.

[rtgsweets]

[rtgsweets]

still cry over her every single day.

Like clockwork grief, like muscle memory,

like a ghost that won’t stop knocking

no matter how many times I tell it to leave.

I see her in the folds of silence,

in songs she never meant to ruin,

in smiles I can’t hold for long

because they tremble under the weight of her name.

I hate that she still lives in me.

Not as warmth, not anymore..

but as a shadow behind every door I open,

as the ache I wake up with,

as the whisper that says, “You weren’t enough.”

I wish I could turn my heart to stone.

Crush the softness she once touched,

burn the memories like old letters,

reclaim the parts of me she broke.

But here I am.

Still bleeding out a love

she already forgot how to spell

[loveletters2myself]

[rtgsweets]

I gave you my sun..

my brightest mornings,

the soft glow of hope

wrapped around my ribs.

I placed my happiness

like fragile glass

in your hands,

hands that promised

to hold gently,

to cradle every shard.

But your fingers..

they slipped.

And the light shattered..

scattering sharp pieces

across the floor

where I kneel now,

bare and bleeding.

I built my dreams

on the trust of your touch,

but the foundation was empty,

the walls hollow echoes

of words that cracked

and broke before the dawn.

Now I gather what’s left..

not for you,

but for me…

to rebuild a house

where my joy

belongs only to me.

[rtgsweets]

A $4,000 mistake I can’t undo,

in a car that isn’t mine,

while debt swells like a tide

I was never taught to swim.

I pull from a future I no longer trust—

401(k), drained like my hope.

The credit cards laugh.

The student loans hiss.

My car payment looms like a landlord

I never invited in.

I’m working on fumes,

punching the clock with hands that shake,

feeling invisible unless I’m being judged.

My body holds the weight

of betrayal and bills,

of hormone storms

and ADHD static,

of PMDD rage

that burns and bruises from the inside.

I loved someone who loved someone else.

Now all I have is

a cold basement,

a mirror I avoid,

a playlist I cry to,

and silence that knows me too well.

I’m so tired

of pretending I’m okay

when everything

is

not.

[rtgsweets]

Honestly… my life has gone to shit.

[rtgsweets]

[rtgsweets]

:(

[rtgsweets]

I’m so fucking tired of crying