Just smile, they're looking at you... No, they can't tell it's fake, they never could. Just wave, smile and nod, they can't see what you're thinking. Okay now speak.. "Hey y'all". No one wants you here, you see how they're looking at you.. "shut the fuck up, they haven't said anything to make you feel unwanted. Just chill. Say something interesting.. they'll listen... Just try to relate.."I uhm, like your mask ... I think it's dope".. God, you're so fucking weird, retreat retreat.. It's not what they said, they didn't have to say anything, they've said it all before. I guess it's time to rewind. Sup my name's Amanda. Welcome to my mind.
Oh you're Egyptian, can you read hieroglyphics ? You're Muslim right? Do you know people in ISIS. Don't make her mad, she might bomb your house.
Look into the mirror & what do I see? A girl, I think..I mean really like pink.. i touch the glass, it feels cold.. but I don't recognize myself...There's a disconnect. Wear makeup, that's when they call you beautiful. Don't dress up, that's when you remain invisible.
Reality weighs down on me, what I've perceived to be true is but a reflection..A compilation of what I fear and what you've said as well as what you've failed to say. What I wanted to hear, but couldn't tell myself. So much of who I think I am reverberates from surrounding thoughts.
All my emotions are raw, when I'm excited, my voice gets high pitched, I bark like a dog, I get bouncy, & I mean bouncy.. I like to skip, fuck what you think.
And they tell me to just snap out of it..look at all the things you’re taking for granted. You’ve got a roof over your head, food on your plate, you’re fully abled, you can hear my voice, you’re not in jeopardy of being run out of the country, think of all that privilege, you wear it around like its nothing, how can you say you’re depressed when there are people fighting for their last breathe.
When I'm passionate, I'll push my privilege. My college education, the fact that I'm not black or Hispanic, even minorities have a ladder. Nothing can stop me, until they see my diagnoses... Bi polar, general anxiety disorder, major depressive disorder.. They're all just words, labels don't define you... But that's such bull.
PAUSE. Where’s that faith you’re always going off about? -the conviction of things not seen, where’s that hope? revive your dry bones..take a deep breath..ground yourself, and put that mask back on, smile..because that’s what pretty girls do. smile, so you don’t spread the negativity within you. smile and smile hard, fight those tears, fake a giggle, confuse those dopamine receptors til maybe you’ll smile for real, just keep smiling til you find something to help you heal.
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