i donât mean for this to seem pushy, just curious!
how often do you update therapised?
i love it so much so far, and am so excited to see where it goes!!
thank you author for writing for us!!
<3
aw thank you for your sweet ask! iâll probably get to it when ccl5 is edited and posted đ¤
on another noteâŚi donât even know if i should be saying this here bc i probably sound like iâve officially gone round the bend, but i swear every single time i post something here, everything goes completely sideways irl. every. single. time. i genuinely donât dare give updates anymore or say âitâll be done around this or that timeâ bc without fail something major always happens that demands all of my attention and energy to the point where iâm heading straight for burnout or have to set a timer just to let myself have a real proper cry 𫩠so yeah, iâve got no idea when iâll be able to get back to editing or writing in generalâŚtoodeloo đ§đťâ𩰠xx
âSo you let your fists loose and let your eyes wander back up to Jungkook, whoâs still facing the view, as you cock, aim, and pull the trigger on everything that was and could never be.â
shakespeare is shaking in his boots rn đ¤
just wait until iâve finished ccl. iâll get it printed and outsell him. shake-who?𫣠jkjk
âYouâre going to poke the bear, load your voice like a gun, and fire each word, wrapped like bullets, at him until heâs exploding - his carefully tucked-away thoughts, forced to stay silent due to trauma or otherwise, bursting out of him.â
Girl iâm crying at this writing đđ i swear to god this is pure art đ i know you have a lot of things on your plate and thatâs why you donât have much time for writing but i just needed to tell you how beautifully you manage to capture emotions into words. You truly are gifted at this đđş
how that makes tears well up in my eyes đ thank you so much!!! iâm genuinely speechless and overwhelmed by all the praise aaaah my little writerâs heart is melting from the warmth! kiss your forehead anoni đđđ¤
Not really a word, but⌠how about âi love you JK/ynâ
no love confessions in this ch 𼲠sorry! but hereâs a long one with âloveâ instead
â˘â˘â˘â˘â˘â˘â˘â˘â˘â˘
âHe changed afterwards.â
Your mind immediately supplies images, not the reckless Jungkook youâve once learned to love but the present one.
His careful pauses, his protective instincts, his odd tendency to carry responsibility that isnât his as though heâs checking everyoneâs still safe.
And with that, all the pieces begin connecting.
âHe became frightened of losing people.â She nods to herself, eyes drifting aimlessly. âTerrified, just like Hara.â
You suddenly wonder how much fear was hiding beneath things youâd mistaken for certainty.
This particular possibility unsettles you the most, because people are so much easier when theyâre villains, and pain becomes manageable when somebody is clearly wrong.
Love, though, becomes far more complicated when everyone is carrying invisible wounds.
Haha such a cool idea for your ccl5 editing process đi technically have two words đ âwithout youâ
Also, sending you lots of love đŤśđť
aww thank you đ¤ lots of love back!
â˘â˘â˘â˘â˘â˘â˘
Not a word - the poorest way of telling you the truth. Maybe it was a way of telling you heâd now be able to live without you. But this time, youâre not going down without a fight. Youâre not going to let it slide, show sympathy, or run away like you used to. Youâre going to poke the bear, load your voice like a gun, and fire each word, wrapped like bullets, at him until heâs exploding - his carefully tucked-away thoughts, forced to stay silent due to trauma or otherwise, bursting out of him.
Make him talk. This time, there will be no what-ifs left. So you let your fists loose and let your eyes wander back up to Jungkook, whoâs still facing the view, as you cock, aim, and pull the trigger on everything that was and could never be.
have i used state property to restore my fics? perhaps. is it unfortunately still only there in fragments? yes.
so, to make editing it a bit more fun iâd be delighted if you sent me a word for the new ch (ccl5) and iâll reply with a paragraph that includes that word
readers do realize their comments/reblogs/asks are the currency we hope for, right? like engagement with something we spent hours on, and all we ask is for a little time and some words.
when everything costs so much these days, fanfic is requires no money.
iâm actually crying right now⌠iâve had ccl5 sitting in my tumblr drafts for about two weeks, not betaâd because my beta quit, and i wanted to think about whether i should just post it like that or look for another beta, but then i decided to just post it, and i did post it, but tumblr ate itâŚ
and the worst part is that my mac broke yesterday and now i donât have my fics anywhere except here on the platform⌠otm, therapised, allein allein, onyx, all the chs iâd already written, plotlines, notes, everything is just gone now. if you remember, i lost +15k of ccl4/5 a few months ago and had to start over. but now having to write the ch again. i just canât anymore. i just⌠why me
Š crash course in love is the intellectual property of runariya. This work may not be altered, redistributed, or translated without my explicit permission.
ML
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Day 2
Thereâs something about the way you crash after a day thatâs drained you not just physically but emotionally too. After your bath and after you grabbed your luggage when you were sure Jungkook wouldnât be in his room anymore, and with your stomach still full from the Korean BBQ at Taeâs, you passed out immediately. Yoongiâs snoring didnât bother you in the slightest, if anything, the vibrations seemed to massage your sore body through the mattress.
You feel even more lost when you wake up just after 5:30 in the morning, fully rested but with muscles still stiff. Youâre not sure if Taeâs smoothie did anything or if youâd feel completely dead now without it. Itâs not that you want to go back to sleep either, knowing youâll just wake up even more tired if you try, experience showing that extra hours do more harm than good.Â
Not wanting to listen to Yoongiâs ongoing snoring any longer, you carefully slip out of bed without waking him and reach for the book you brought with you. But just as youâre about to head out of the suite, you stop, eyeing Yoongiâs coat.Â
Should you?
You quit smoking months ago, only started when you broke things off with Jungkook, but just thinking about everything that was said yesterday, and whatâs still to come, makes you struggle. Youâll probably hate yourself for it afterwards, but still, you go back to his coat and rummage for his cigarettes and lighter.Â
Realising you only brought one pair of boots, which are currently at Hopeâs, and thereâs no way youâre stepping out into the snow in slippers or your snowboard boots, you grab Yoongiâs spare designer boots and your snowboard jacket as well.Â
Itâs impressive, really, that you manage to carry everything out of the room without dropping anything, and that Yoongi stays sound asleep despite the obvious rustling of your coat as you move.
Youâre thankful Namjoon kept his word about keeping the fireplace lit, not just because its warmth meets you in the corridor but also for the soft glow it casts along the way to the main area.Â
Pausing for a second, you can hear Yoongi still snoring through the door, along with louder, muffled snores further down the corridor, which must be Namjoonâs. And, who wouldâve thought, you hear some very light snoring coming from Jungkookâs room too.
It feels like youâre walking past caves in some forgotten time, surrounded by Neanderthals who snore more to fend off predators than from sinus problems. Itâs funny in a way, you reckon. Thatâs just how biology works, even if you and every other woman in this world are the ones who suffer through the night because of it.
As you reach the main area, of course, you canât manage all the things youâre holding, and your book falls to the floor, the sound louder than it should be. You think it didnât wake anyone, but youâre not sure, Jungkook might be awake, heâs always been a light sleeper, though Namjoonâs snoring is too loud now to tell.
Not bothering to pick it up, knowing youâll drop something else if you try, you kick the book towards the couches, hoping none of the great authors are cursing you for it. The heat of the fireplace, even though itâs only simmering, pulls you to sink back into the cushions once youâve set your things down.
The hostel feels so much cosier than by daytime, long shadows casting a warm, festive glow like Christmas morning. You almost wish youâd spent the holiday here instead of alone at home.Â
Just yesterday, you longed for Jungkook to be by your side, to experience this place and this town with you. But now, even though he is here, it doesnât feel as fulfilling as you thought it would.
Obviously, heâs been here before, and even when heâs spending time with you, itâs under circumstances you wish were different. It destroys you how things are, how youâre treating each other, how much hatred he clearly has for you now, just at the sight of you.
You understand his bitterness though, understand that he probably wishes heâd never seen you again. But what can you do? Itâs not like you booked this hostel on purpose, as if you orchestrated the whole thing just to run into him.Â
No, itâs all just a coincidence. A brutal one at that. You didnât have time to prepare yourself, didnât have time to think about how youâd approach him after all this time, or what youâd say.
You reckon he feels the same, blindsided, overwhelmed, hurt. And he has every reason to be. Still, it hurts so deeply, so excruciatingly, that you just want to leave and never look back. It feels like thereâs no saving your relationship with Jungkook, not even the hope of being friends.
Or maybe this trip will be the closure you need. Maybe itâll be the final heartbreak, the one thatâs been dragging on for far too long, but now will come to a head and let you move on, even though deep down you donât want to. Youâre sure Jungkook was the one for you, a love once in a lifetime, the one who got away.
Tossing the book from one hand to the other, your eyes canât help but linger on the pack of cigarettes lying on the table in front of you. Itâs dumb, smoking, you know that, always have. But God, youâre broken. Youâre so, so sad, itâs suffocating. And you know it wonât help.Â
You know smoking, like any other addiction, is just a result of loneliness. That doesnât make it any easier to resist.
You set the book down, slip into Yoongiâs boots again, and pull on your coat, ignoring the voice in your head telling you not to backslide, not to undo months of progress. But still, you ignore that voice as much as you ignore Namjoonâs snoring, and grab the pack and lighter and stand to head outside once youâre fully clothed.Â
Youâd forgotten about the chime when you open the front door, pausing for a moment as if itâs trying to stop you, but you keep moving, letting the door shut behind you as the early morning greets you.Â
The streets are empty, the air biting cold. But the fairy lights are still on, their glow reflecting silently off the snow and ornaments, but you canât bring yourself to enjoy it.
Your breath fogs with every exhale as you slowly open the cigarette pack, your hands turning rosy in the cold, warmth steaming off them like dumplings.
You take one out, slip the pack into your coat pocket, and toy with the cigarette between your fingers.Â
Should you?
You know you shouldnât.Â
You.Â
Know.Â
But no oneâs here to stop you. Who would even care? So you put it between your dry lips and light it, guarding the flame with your hand as if to stop it from dying the way your heart did.
The first drag is equal parts disgusting and relieving, and soon, your thoughts start to fade. Your chest feels lighter, despite the toxins filling it. Maybe breaking up with Jungkook was the first step towards your own downfall. Maybe it was always meant to be.
The front door opens behind you when youâre halfway through your cigarette, but you donât turn around. There are only three options for who might join you, Yoongi, up for his first smoke of the day; Namjoon, woken by the chime and curious to see whatâs going on; or Jungkook. Though you wouldnât know why itâd be the latter.
âSmoking kills.â
âSo does snowboarding,â you reply through the puff of smoke escaping your lips.
âFair.â
Silence. You canât bring yourself to look at Jungkook, now standing beside you, both of you staring at some distant ornament, avoiding each otherâs gaze.
âWhat are you doing out here this early?â he asks, as if itâs not obvious.
âThought Iâd get some fresh air.â
Thereâs no humour in your tone, just defeat, and those few words seem to sap the last bit of energy you have. You feel like youâve had the same effect on Jungkook, his voice is as dry as yours.
âFunny.â
You know you canât undo all the damage between you and Jungkook, but still, you want to at least be civil.
âIâm sorry you have to be our instructor. I didnât know.â
âSounds like you wouldnât have booked it if youâd known.â
You shrug. âProbably.â
âIs seeing me again really that unbearable?â
It is.Â
Of course it is. But only because you canât bear seeing him having moved on. So you shrug again.
âI see.â
You take the last drag of your cigarette, drop it into the snow, and stomp it out before immediately reaching for another.
âItâs really bad for you.â
âWhy do you care, Jungkook?â
âBecause youââ
âPlease, just let me be, Jungkook.â
Itâs desperate, your plea, resigned. And when you finally lock eyes with him, it almost hurts as much as on the day you broke up with him. He looks like heâs stepped straight out of a dream, the smoke from your cigarette swirling up into the sky between you. Heâs so beautiful, especially in the morning when heâs just rolled out of bed. But his hurt eyes, hurt that you caused, are something you canât handle.
âI never did you wrong.â
His words hit like a slap, and you reckon you deserve it, deserve even more, so you let him continue, knowing heâs far from done.
âWhy did you leave me?â
You canât meet his eyes now. Not just because tears burn in the corners of both yours and his, but because you canât bring yourself to tell him the truth, that you were never worthy of him. That you were never the one for him, not when heâs found someone like Hara, who fits him so much better. So you shrug again, trying to swallow the lump in your throat as your shaky hands lift the cigarette to your lips for another long drag, hoping heâll think itâs just the cold affecting you, not the emotions welling up inside.
âGod, ___.â You see Jungkook look up at the dark sky, rubbing his hands violently against his face and eyes in your peripheral vision. Youâre not sure if itâs out of anger, frustration, or pain, and youâre not sure you want to know.
âIâm sorry,â you force out, losing the fight against your tears as they silently roll down your cheeks. Quickly, you turn around, trying to make it back inside before Jungkook notices your breakdown.Â
âFor leaving me, or for being with me in the first place?â
âBoth.â
You donât stop, canât stop even if you tried. Bolting straight into the hostel, you leave your book where you placed it earlier, your only aim to escape, to get to your suite as fast as possible. Away from all youâve done and canât take back.Â
Itâs not like itâs really possible for you to get away from Jungkook, not when heâs still not only very much physically present but still consumes every thought and every space in your heart. It breaks you to see his pain, breaks you even more because you donât know how to fix it. Youâve created a mess, of the whole situation and of your and his heart, thatâs impossible to mend now.
Even if you could, the hurt has left wounds and open scars, which wonât ever heal, especially on Jungkookâs soul, and you reckon heâll never want you back to begin with.
The door to the suite slams shut behind you, waking up Yoongi, who just turns to look at your broken self, tears still running down in waves.
âTalked to Jungkook?â
âYes,â you sob.
âNext time, try at daytime, itâs not as emo.â
Well, thank you very much. As if that would have changed a thing. But you donât bicker this time, knowing that somewhere in Yoongiâs words lies the truth, even if youâre not able to accept it in this moment.
Kicking off his boots and yeeting them across the room where he placed them before you took them, and letting your coat fall off your shoulders, you donât pay attention to Yoongiâs scolding, disappearing into the bathroom to take a cleansing shower, or rather, to let all the emotions and tears out without being bothered and without being a bother to Yoongi.
It doesnât take long before the hot water mixes with your tears and for you recognise that you need to somehow get your head straight, or get it checked, because itâs only the second day. A lot more is to come, and youâll be regretting it if you just wave the white flag and leave. If thereâs nothing else you can do, nothing that can help you heal and move on, you want to at least help Jungkook to do so.
You owe it to him, and frankly, that was the main point of why you broke up in the first place. Youâll need to forget your own hurt for the time being, answer all his questions without breaking down again, and youâll start with that as soon as youâre out of the shower.
âHurry up! I need to take a piss!â
Youâre glad you had half a mind to lock the door, but still, the banging of Yoongiâs fist disturbs you so much, you wonât be able to neither cry nor think in peace.
âTen more minutes!â
âIâll piss on your pillow! Open the fucking door!â
Ew. Sighing, you rinse the rest of your shampoo out, hurrying to at least wrap a towel around yourself before unlocking the door. Youâre not able to push the handle down because Yoongi bolts inside, ripping his pants down and immediately starting to empty his bladder.
âEw, gross!â
âNext time, your pillow, ___,â Yoongi sighs, but youâve already fled the scene. As relatives, youâre close, yes, but not that close.
Nonetheless, youâre thankful for this distraction, even if it just helped you not be dragged further into the blue.
Hearing Yoongi close and lock the bathroom door and turning on the shower does the rest as you now stand fully dressed, with dripping wet hair, in the middle of the suite.
You know thereâs no way heâll open that door back up again, even if youâd knock as violently as he did just now. He simply doesnât give a fuck. So you see no other option but to get some breakfast with wet hair, knowing thereâs not much time left before youâre back on the slopes, or rather the beginnerâs hill.
The corridor is empty again, though you hear some chatter from Namjoon and Jungkook down the way. Taking a very deep breath, you try to school your face into happiness, or at least neutrality.
You find both with Jimin in the dining area, the latter unpacking his bread and some pastries onto the table.
âGood morning,â you try to sound as cheerful as possible, but as you lock eyes with Jungkook, you know he notices the red rim around your eyes.
âHey! Look what Iâve got for you.â Jimin practically explodes with happiness as he gets a see-through box of macarons out of his paper bag.
âNo way! Jimin, that wasnât necessary! Thank you!â You canât help the genuine smile that spreads across your face, hands eagerly grabbing for them as you unbox them against your stomach, too occupied to even sit down.
âBut I wanted to. Iâve never seen someone so obsessed with these.â Jimin laughs his beautiful laugh at your already stuffed smile, as Namjoon just smirks, and Jungkook, wellâŚJungkook just seems odd.
âHere, at least sit down.â Namjoon offers you the chair beside him, and to be honest, youâd much rather sit somewhere else than face Jungkook, but thereâs nothing you can do.
You donât thank Namjoon this time when he pushes the chair for you to sit down, too embarrassed by your chewing. You shouldnât have put two macarons in your mouth at once.
âCoffee?â
âYes, please.â
Jungkook stays silent throughout it all, just watching you, especially watching Namjoon carefully, while you avoid eye contact. Jimin, on the other hand, canât keep his eyes from flickering between you and Jungkook with a broad smile, as if he senses somethingâs wrong. He takes the last empty chair at the small table and sits between you and Jungkook.
âBlack, so youâre not overdosed.â Namjoon places your coffee in front of you as his eyes also flick to Jungkook, and youâre not sure whatâs happening right now.
âHold up, hold up, Iâve got my favourite with me. Just for you, ___. You liked it the first time, right?â Jimin pulls out a cup of iced Americano from his bag, this time in a fitting container, but you canât seem to understand why heâd bring you this when, despite you loving it, it hurts you just as much and he knows it.Â
âYou know,â Jimin continues with a glint in his eyes that not only makes you uneasy, but clearly Jungkook as well, the latter looking two seconds away from punching Jimin square in the face. âItâs called âOnly Loveâ. Right, C? You created it.â
Ah, that makes a lot of sense now. What doesnât make sense is you choking on the macaron. You should have put two and two together, to be honest, should have seen the connection the moment Jungkook appeared in front of you with everyone in this forsaken town being friends with him, but frankly, you didnât.
You havenât been thinking clearly for years, and you reckon it has something to do with Yoongi, who, even though heâs the only constant in your life now, is equal parts disturbing and unable to help you balance your emotions. Not that itâs his job, but being a bit less insufferable would be nice and a welcome change.
Jiminâs still holding the cup towards you, for longer than would feel just friendly, but now you see all the evil clearly. You donât really know what to do, especially when you look at Jungkook and see him more pissed than youâve ever seen before. Should you even take it?
âI⌠I think Iâll stick to black. Not that I really overdose on sugar or anything.â You stammer, wanting the earth to swallow you up rather than this shit morning continuing into a day full of hatred towards you.
Jungkook just scoffs at that, and youâre sure you hear him mutter âof fucking course, perfect timingâ just as Yoongi enters the dining room.
âMorning,â Yoongi mumbles, and right as heâs about to sit at another table, Jimin places the Americano in front of you and gets up.
âNo, please, sit down. I was just about to leave.â
Jungkook attempts to call Jimin out on his bullshit, but shuts his mouth in an instant when Yoongi claps Jimin on the back and sits down between you both. Turning to Namjoon, heâs still very much smirking as if heâs figured out the whole situation with you and Jungkook, especially when both his legs nudge yours and his, as if daring you both to say something.
âBye!â Jimin sings as heâs out of the room before anyone can even breathe.
âYou forgot your phone in our room.â Yoongi grumbles, stealing some macarons from you as if they were M&Mâs, and preparing his plate. âA coffee please.â
âBlack?â Namjoonâs grin spreads across his whole face as he gets up to fetch Yoongiâs order, because, dear lord, it wasnât a kindly meant request.
âYou got it.â
As if the morning hadnât already strangled your emotions enough, your bloodâs now boiling because Yoongi couldnât just bring your stupid phone with him as if that would have been the greatest task in the world. But somehow, seeing Jungkookâs mood crash even more, youâre glad to have a moment to escape the scene, hoping that when you return, it wonât be with police tape around the place.
You donât have the faintest idea whatâs up with him. Itâs not like heâs just mad at you, although you know he definitely is. Hell, youâd be mad at yourself if you were him. But something else mustâve happened, something thatâs got him this wound up, not only at the sight of you and Yoongi, but his friends too.
Itâs no surprise to find your phone where Yoongi said it would be, and seeing it now, face down, youâre beyond thankful he didnât just hand it to you in front of everyone.
You just want to grab it quickly and shove it into the tight pocket of your leggings, thinking itâs lying on the info sheet from Namjoon, when Yoongiâs handwriting catches your attention. Black ink, neatly written down for all time:
âFutureâs gonna be okay.â
It soothes and breaks your heart all at once, especially when you spot a teeny tiny black heart too. Yoongi might argue itâs just a splatter from the pen, but you know better. Being close to your cousin is a rollercoaster in every imaginable way, but itâs worth it. Because he cares. Because heâll understand, even if he doesnât always show it the way you need.
Taking a very, very deep, steadying breath, you leave the note where it is, knowing youâll definitely need it when you come back tonight, after what will surely be a wonderful day with Jungkook. You just hope you survive it.
Snowboarding doesnât even scare you as much as Jungkook does. But you steel yourself not to panic, not to freak out about how clueless you are. Time will tell. Futureâs gonna be okay.
And with that thought, you head back to the others, wanting something more substantial in your stomach than sugary sweets.
âOdd?â
âYeah, odd,â Jungkook growls, and you stop short before entering the room again.
âI think Iâm treating her just right for who she is to me,â Yoongi laughs, and you can hear the mischief in his voice, full of shit and in full wind-up mode.
Thereâs no way youâre really letting this turn into a crime scene, so you march into the room, eyes boring into the back of Yoongiâs head, knowing heâll feel it.
Thankfully, no one says anything, but the looks speak volumes. Jungkookâs glaring daggers at you, Namjoonâs got that worried, torn look like a parent watching their toddler near the stairs, and Yoongiâs justâŚamused.
Frankly, your appetiteâs vanished, and you donât want to risk sitting down and getting dragged into whatever mess youâre missing today.
âWhen do we leave?â You ask Jungkook directly, using a tired, fed-up tone you havenât dared yet.
It seems to do the trick, sobering everyone up as they take their last bites and gulps of coffee, getting ready to move.
Namjoon, ever the sweetheart, hands you the americano, and this time, youâre grateful for it. Screw the memories, you need caffeine to get through this day. A shot of something stronger in it mightâve been better, but alas.
âThanks, Joon.â
That, of course, earns you a dirty look from Jungkook and an amused one from Yoongi.
âIâll just grab my stuff real quick.â
âYeah, weâre waiting in our slippers,â Yoongi says drily, overtaking Jungkook by the door, who looks at you like he canât believe this is happening.
You ignore them both, turning to Namjoon to escape the drama, but only stumble into another one instead.
âSo heâs your ex.â
You groan, shoulders slumping along with your coffee, exasperated as you realise Namjoonâs got you alone.
âKinda obvious.â
âIt is. Some other things are obvious too.â
You give him a long stare, the kind of stare youâve perfected from hours of silent contests with Jungkook, but Namjoon, whoâs obviously used to this too, isnât fazed the slightest.
âSpill.â
âYouâre both adults. Talk.â
Yeah, like itâs that simple. Sit down, have a rational, level-headed chat with Jungkook? Not likely.
âThanks for breakfast. Iâm out.â
You throw a peace sign over your shoulder, knowing youâre not getting anything more out of him, whether heâs right or wrong.
Being civil with Jungkook would be step one before you could even dream of a productive conversation. But based on how this breakfast is going, hell, the whole stay up until now, itâs clear that âcivilâ is something youâll never be when it comes to Jungkook.Â
âHere.â Yoongiâs brought you your boots and gear, and the reason is instantly clear when Jungkook reappears, glaring at Yoongi like heâs about to snap.
âCould you both please be civil? Iâd like to enjoy this holiday,â you snap, so utterly fed up, wishing you could put them both in time-out.
âSorry,â Yoongi and Jungkook mumble in unison, but the looks they exchange right after make the apology feel pointless.
Even though youâre still struggling way more than you should with these snowboard boots, which surely came straight out of hell just to make your life that little bit more difficult, you still donât let anyone help you. Not Jungkook, who stopped moving towards you after you shot him an evil glare, and not Yoongi, who suffered the same fate.
Eventually, you manage, somehow. And when youâre ready to go, the three of you grab your snowboards, which are leaning against the wall near the fireplace. Itâs not easy to carry yours on your own, especially when the sharp edge cuts into your gloved palm and your other hand is occupied with your Americano. The bindings are digging into your forearm with their stupid weight distribution, but thereâs no way youâre going to drag it any other way. Not when youâre not willing to sacrifice your caffeine, thatâs just not happening in any lifetime of yours.
Yoongi, for once, is chivalrous enough to open the door for you, but you canât really appreciate it like you would under normal circumstances. Your nerves are running thin, so thin youâre half-tempted to just smash the chime to dust with your snowboard to shut it up yourself. But youâre not strong enough, and with your luck, Jungkook, whoâs walking right behind you, would probably end up on the receiving end of your terrible aim.
No one says a word during the entire walk to the hill, which, now that you think about it, feels worse than all the snide remarks. Itâs not like fighting, or going straight for each otherâs throats, is the best solution, but this simmering tension isnât much better either. And you reckon itâs only a matter of time before someone goes off like a bloody nuclear bomb.
Though the real question is, who?
Youâd love nothing more than to get inside Jungkookâs head, to take a peek at whatever thoughts are running through his pretty head and figure out why heâs been acting like this, irrational around others, but all sentimental when itâs just the two of you. Itâs starting to seriously grate on your nerves.
Seeing that he wants to talk about everything that went down between you both is something you never thought would happen. But his approach? Not ideal. Thereâs no way youâre having a deep conversation with him before the day has even properly started, and definitely not in the middle of the street. And youâd much rather not have this conversation with others around too, thank you very much.
But the thing is, youâre still not sure if you want to be alone with him. What if your resolve to be all mature and talk like adults crumbles the second he looks at you with those sad eyes again? What if heâs just looking for answers so he can have the closure you know youâll never get?
The thought feels selfish in every possible way. It disgusts you too, but youâre only human, not some robot who can function without feeling, without knowing what love or losing it is.
You let out a loud sigh, no longer able to bear the weight of the world, or the burning gaze of Jungkook boring into your back.Â
âSâup?â Yoongi nudges you causing you to sway, the heavy drag of your boots not helping either.Â
âJust enjoying the fresh air.â You bullshit, stepping right up the snow at the base of the beginners hill.Â
âThe only thing getting fresh air are my middle ears. Fucking feel the inflammation building.â
Youâre sure Jungkook hadnât intended to snort at Yoongiâs remark, but even he canât seem to resist the humour in the nonsense that sometimes escapes Yoongiâs mouth.
âSome air gonna knock you out?â you tease, trying to nudge Yoongi back, though you fail miserably.
Thankfully, Jungkookâs quick enough to steady you with a free hand before you face-plant into the snow, which is far from the fluffy stuff it was yesterday, now hard as stone.
âYou know youâre old when airâs hurting you, ___. Youâll understand when youâre my age.â
You hope thatâll not be true.Â
âAlright,â Jungkook claps once, and you and Yoongi fall into line in front of him after setting your boards and coffee aside. âYesterday we covered most of the snowboarding theory. Three important things. What are they?â
Silence.
âAwareness, balance, control.â
Itâs clear Jungkookâs waiting for something, and after a few agonising moments of just staring at each other, it clicks. He wants you to repeat what he said.
âAwareness,â you start, but Yoongi either hasnât caught on or really doesnât care, but you give him a nudge, and eventually, the two of you echo back Jungkookâs words.
âAwareness, balance, control.â
âRight, now, while weâre at it, letâs talk a bit more theory. After awareness, balance, and control, itâs all about anticipation. You canât just react to things at the last minute, yeah? Youâve got to anticipate the changes. Know whatâs coming. Whether itâs an obstacle in your path, a turn, or⌠someone doing something you didnât expect.â
âFor fuckâs sake, Jungkook! Man up and say it to my face if youâve got something to say!â
âI didnât say anything!â
âFuck you did! And you, shut your fucking mouth!â You jab your gloved finger at Yoongi, who stops laughing immediately.
Youâre not sure whatâs gotten into Jungkook to act so irrational again, but whatever it is, youâve had enough. Either he stays professional during the lesson, or youâre out. This kind of treatment, whatever you did to him or not, isnât something youâll tolerate. Not from him, not from anyone.
Jungkook seems to realise his mistake, or maybe he just doesnât have the guts to confront you directly about whatâs been bothering him. You reckon after all these years, he still hasnât learned how to communicate properly. Then again, youâre not exactly great at that either.
âHow about you stick to teaching during the course and stay in your lane? How about I can at least enjoy this for a few hours?â
Jungkook just nods, not the least approving, and if it werenât for Yoongi placing a hand on your heaving shoulder and sucking his teeth, you mightâve lunged at Jungkook and strangled him right then and there.
âRight, well, before we get onto the boards, we need to warm up. Canât have you both pulling muscles before you even touch the snow properly.â
âPlease, no running,â Yoongi mutters under his breath.
âNo, no running. First up, letâs stretch. Loosen up those muscles. Very important. Otherwise, you might⌠strain yourself. And trust me, some people,â he side-eyes you, âhave a habit of rushing into things without getting properly prepared or listening to what the other person has to say.â
You grit your teeth. Oh, youâre so ready to kill him. If looks could kill, both you and Jungkook would be dead by now. âWhat the fuck is your problem?â you seethe dangerously low.Â
âSo, what are we doing first? Jumping jacks? Star jumps?â Yoongi asks sarcastically, more to defuse the situation than out of any real interest in actually participating in this course.
âNo, mate. Weâre not at boot camp. Just a simple warm-up to start. Arms, legs, get the blood flowing.â Jungkook begins rolling his shoulders and doing some arm circles. âFollow me. Arms out, nice and wide. Slow circles. Loosen up your shoulders. You need a good range of movement, especially when youâre⌠navigating tricky situations.â
You and Yoongi do your best to follow along, despite the thick jackets. Opting to be the bigger person here, you do your best to ignore Jungkookâs pointed glances and the occasional gust of cold air grazing your stomach whenever you raise your arms too high.
âGood. Now, bend forward, touch your toes, well, try to. Donât force it. Some people are naturally more flexible than others, but hey, no rush.â
Throughout the whole stretching exercises, you keep your mouth shut, knowing that playing into his madness wouldnât do either of you any good. You just canât process it all at this point. And how could you?
Since the moment you stepped foot into this stupid little town, you havenât had a minute to think. Especially not after Jungkook entered your life again. Youâre jealous of all the people out there who can adapt to every moment, who arenât as utterly pathetic at handling things as you are.
It must be genetics, because, dear lord, youâve never been good at handling tricky situations, but the ones involving your ex are on another level. You can tell yourself to be cool and collected as much as you want, but at the end of the day, Jungkook will always trigger you.
And if itâs not with his passive-aggressive remarks, itâs with his broken sadness.
âPerfect. Letâs move on then. Before we get into the snowboards, Iâll just have to adjust your bindings real quick, and then weâll start. For that, Iâll need to see which foot of yours is the dominant one.â
Jungkook walks silently behind you both, looking down at the snow with a slight frown on his lips while you follow his movements with your eyes.
âIâll start with you, Yoongi. Relax your stance, Iâll push you from behind. Donât think too much, just catch yourself, yeah?â
Jungkookâs now standing directly behind Yoongi, and as he raises his hand and places it on Yoongiâs back, right between his shoulder blades, your gut twists, fearing Jungkook might push him too hard, letting his anger out because he canât restrain himself.
But to your relief, Jungkook pushes Yoongi ever so lightly, causing the older man to take a step forward, landing on his right foot.
âRight foot back, your stance is regular.â Jungkook just nods to himself, moving on to stand behind you now. âYour turn, ___. Again, just relax, donât overthink it. Iâll push you now.â
How can you stay relaxed when Jungkookâs now directly behind you, when you not only feel the weight of his hand on your back but imagine you can feel the warmth of it too? It nearly leaves you gasping, not used to Jungkook touching you anymore.
âRelax,â Jungkook mutters ever so softly, causing your shoulders to drop as you take a deep breath, willing yourself to block him out as best you can.
The push is gentle, and while you take a step forward out of reflex, itâs the same reflex that misses his hand on your back.
âLeft is your dominant foot, so goofyâs your stance.â
âGoofy?!â
It sounds offensive. Does it sound offensive? Because both Yoongi and Jungkook look at you, puzzled by your outburst.
Wasnât that another jab?
âYeah, itâs called goofy,â Jungkook says, Yoongi nodding as if to tell you to calm down.
âOh. Okay.â
Jungkook pulls a tiny toolbox from the inner pocket of his jacket while you follow Yoongi, whoâs picking up his board. He takes Yoongiâs snowboard first, placing it on his bent knee and unscrewing the first binding.
âForefoot 18 degrees, back foot 7 degrees,â Yoongi mutters, not the least bit mocking.Â
Youâre not sure why Yoongi has a preference, but Jungkook doesnât seem to question it, just nodding and adjusting Yoongiâs bindings to his liking.
When itâs your turn, Jungkook still doesnât say anything as he takes the board from your hands, and while the adjustments look just the same as Yoongiâs to you, itâs clear both men see the difference as Yoongi interjects, âFix the left one a bit more outwards, itâll give her more control.â
Jungkook looks up at that, not angered, not ready to snap, as his eyes flit briefly to you before he eventually just nods and does as Yoongi suggested. Maybe not playing into Jungkookâs remarks earlier was the right course of action, seeing that even though itâs still awkward between you three, itâs more civil than it was before.
Jungkook stuffs his toolbox back into his pocket and turns to grab his own snowboard. As he straps his right foot into the binding, he calls out, âFasten your front foot onto the board. Weâre practising gliding.â
Yoongi does as instructed without a hitch, but youâre struggling a bit. The straps keep getting in the way, making it impossible to secure your foot properly.
Without a word, Jungkook hops over, dragging his board behind him, and quickly fastens the bindings for you.
âThanks,â you mutter, but he doesnât meet your eyes, just nods before heading back in front of you both.
âSo, itâs simple. Push yourself forward with your free foot, step on the board, and glide for as long as you can. Itâll help you get a feel for the board. And remember, where you look is where you go. Look down, youâll fall. Look forward, and youâll be fine as long as your balance is decent.â
Jungkook demonstrates the glide with ease, while Yoongi follows suit right after, looking like heâs done this before, making it seem like a breeze.Â
Alright, how hard can it be?
Turns out, pretty damn hard. As soon as you try, your arms flail like mad, desperately trying to regain balance. You stumble forward, managing to catch yourself at the last second, but not before the board lifts off the ground and slams right into your calf.
âOuch!â
It hurts like hell, and youâre certain a bruise is already forming.
âTake it slow, no rush,â Jungkook says, not even glancing back.
You try a few more times, and while it feels like youâre going to lose a leg by the end of the day, youâre slowly getting the hang of it.Â
Yoongiâs already finished, standing beside Jungkook and watching you like some proud parent their child whoâs learning to swim. You donât mind though, better that than getting frustrated watching him nail everything effortlessly.
âThatâs great, letâs move up the hill and practise side slipping. Itâs like a lazy way to snowboard, but itâs useful.â
Dragging yourself up the hill feels like a workout in itself with your board still clasped onto your foot, your calf still throbbing from earlier.
âFirst things first,â Jungkookâs bending down to his board, âstrap your other foot in as well. You want to be on your heel edge or your toe edge. Weâll start with heels, âcause if you start on your toes and mess up, youâll just end up pissed off.â
Once again, Jungkook demonstrates the technique, and once again, Yoongi seems to pick it up straight away. Meanwhile, youâre down on your ass every other minute, frustration building but refusing to quit just yet. Jungkook lets you keep at it until youâve finally got the hang of it, while Yoongi again just stands there with him, chatting the day away, apparently needing no extra practice.
âWhy doesnât he have to practise?â you yell down the hill.
âBecause he doesnât need to.â
Youâre fuming, but deep down you know Jungkookâs right. Still, Yoongiâs supposed to be doing this with you, not just standing there like a supervisor. The anger helps though, because as you slide down the hill again, itâs smooth and controlled, and you feel damn proud of yourself.
âAlright, next exercise. Weâre going to slide down on your toe edge now. Flip over so youâre facing up the hill, with your toes digging into the snow.â
Youâre already panting from the climb back up the hill, but thereâs no rest in sight. Jungkook leaves his board behind as you drag yourself up again, determined to finish this.
âNow,â Jungkook says, âbend your knees, lean forward slightly, like youâre bowing to a king. Lift your heels off the snow, so youâre balanced on your toes. And donât panic if it feels weird at first. Yoongi, can you please demonstrate?â
âSure,â Yoongi says, nailing the move effortlessly.
You canât figure out why Yoongiâs suddenly Jungkookâs little helper, or why Jungkookâs board is still down the hill, but you focus on trying to imitate Yoongiâs technique. You get into position, dig your toes in, but the next second, you slip, barely catching yourself before faceplanting into the snow.
Jungkookâs by your side in seconds, pulling you up by the arms. âYou alright?â
âYeah,â you pant, swallowing the panic thatâs rising in your chest. But your grip on his arms gives away just how terrified you are.
âCome on, Iâll help you.â
Jungkookâs hands slide down your arms until heâs holding your hands securely, but just as quickly, he lets go. You immediately lose your balance, nearly falling backwards as your whole life flashes before your eyes.
âShit!â His hands grab you at the last second, keeping you from toppling over.
âDonât just let go like that!â
âWhy are your gloves this wet?â
You donât have time to defend yourself against Jungkookâs scolding as he abruptly forces his leg between yours, angling his heel between the snow and your board to keep you in place and balance.Â
The proximity to Jungkook has an instant effect on you. Your brain shuts down, and though your blood is rushing through your veins at an overwhelming speed, it somehow calms you down just the same.
Being this close to him, not only seeing him but feeling all of his body pressed against yours, mixed with his intoxicating scent, makes you never want to let go of him again.
âHold onto me,â he murmurs softly, the closeness making it unnecessary to speak any louder than a breath.
You canât help yourself, staring at his face, even though heâs avoiding eye contact as he removes your gloves, letting them fall silently behind him. You reckon he hasnât changed much, just a few piercings and some faint lines caused by age now marking his otherwise mesmerising face. But still, heâs the same.
The same lashes framing his big eyes, the same kissable lips now a bit cracked from the cold, the same glowing skin with that faint scar on his cheek.
It throws you back in time but also makes you ache for all the time spent apart. Itâs impossible to feel resentment for the harsh things heâs said, impossible to feel anything but the deep love you still have for him. Itâs impossible to look away, even though he isnât meeting your gaze, busy tugging off his gloves with his teeth.
When his hand reaches for yours, wrapping them in the warmth of his own gloves, you feel like you might break right then and there. Youâve been a fool for pushing him away, for ending things in the first place, when heâs always been this good to you, even now, after all these years.
When Jungkook finally finishes and his eyes meet yours for the first time, you donât dare breathe, even if you physically could. Itâs like the heartbreak never happened, healed by the closeness of two hearts that know they can only beat as one.
You see it in his eyes, like you always could back then, that he feels it too, or at least something close to what you feel.
âI never meant to hurt you,â you manage to say, your voice breaking ever so faintly, with a slight sheen of tears coating your eyes.
âI know,â Jungkook smiles ever so softly, as if heâs always known, as if he understands. But still, he steps back, leaving you cold and longing again, only holding your hands just firmly enough to help you keep your balance. âTry again, toes in the snow, knees bent.â
You swallow the hurt down, knowing youâve got no right to feel this way, and with Jungkookâs help, you slide down the hill. You succeed, but as soon as you reach the base, Jungkook steps back completely, walking over to Yoongi while instructing, âTry again now on your own.â
And you do. Multiple times until you master it as best you can, all while you know youâre being watched by the two most important men in your life.
Lunch is spent in a tiny fast-food restaurant nearby, just because youâre so hungry you canât wait ages for a proper meal. Jungkook excuses himself to take a phone call, and you notice a picture of Hara on his screen, though you werenât fast enough to see whose name was at the top, or if itâs his lock screen or Haraâs contact picture.
âWhy are you so good at snowboarding?â you try to sound angry, though your mouth is stuffed, hoping Yoongi can still make sense of the words.
âIâve been snowboarding before.â
âYou what?â You swallow the bite forcefully, needing space to articulate the insults he deserves. âWhy didnât you tell me? Why am I paying for a crash course for you?â
âI didnât thiââ
âWhy the fuck have I paid for and rented your gear?!â
Yoongi goes silent, eating his meal like heâs bored, giving you time to yell at him some more before he speaks. But you donât, just widen your eyes and shake your head to emphasise how livid you are.
âI didnât think youâd want to come alone.â
âThatâs such a shit excuse, Yoongs. You should have at least paid for yourself. Fucking parasite.â
âYo, show some respect. You said youâd pay for everything. Itâs not like I forced you.â
âForced me?! You wouldnât have come otherwise!â
âI can still hang in our suite and leave you alone with Mr. Leaf-in-the-wind.â
âThatâs rude.â
âItâs true, and you know it.â
Heâs kinda right. But you can see where Jungkookâs coming from, somehow understand why heâs acting the way he does.
You sigh at that, leaning back with another mouthful of food, knowing you should really work on your manners. âYouâre not leaving me alone with him. No way.â
âIf you say so.â
You startle slightly when Jungkook slides into the seat beside you, hoping he didnât catch any of what was said while he was gone. And even though youâre dying to know who was calling, youâd rather strip bare in the middle of the restaurant than ask, not wanting to look like some jealous, controlling ex-girlfriend.
âHara called,â you fucking knew it. âSaid Namjoonâs arranged dinner at Jinâs.â
You and Yoongi just hum, though you reckon youâre the only one finding it rude. But who can blame you? You are jealous, you are a fucking control freak, and Jungkook looking the way he does definitely doesnât help.
You hadnât noticed before, thanks to his oversized clothes, just how buff heâs become. But seeing him now, his upper body hugged by thermal gear so tight it might as well be see-through, makes you even pettier than you already were at the mention of Hara. And how could you not be?
Clearly, heâs been working out more since you split. Maybe you were holding him back from getting in shape too. Itâs funny, you always thought Jungkook peaked while he was with you, but that couldnât be further from the truth.
You force the rest of your meal down in silence, occasionally glancing up at Jungkook and Yoongi, who are doing the same. Itâs not like you want this silence to linger, but you donât know what to say, and neither do they.
Itâs slightly bothering you that both men were comfortable enough to chat the whole morning away while you were busy trying not to face-plant into the snow, and now canât seem to say a single word with you around. Maybe you were the problem all along.Â
Ugh, you hate having those thoughts again, especially since youâve made such progress with your self-esteem recently, and now itâs crashing back down, spiralling like something you canât escape.
When everyoneâs finally finished, you pack up your things and step back outside into the cold, hoping the rest of the day goes by as civilly as the last few hours have been.Â
Hours later, youâre spent. So utterly spent youâre sure you wonât make it to Jinâs without falling asleep midway through. Like Snow White, you want to lie down and sleep, and for no one to kiss you awake. Though, if you think about it, Jungkook would make a formidable prince.
Stop. You canât think like this, you wonât allow such homewrecker thoughts. Not when things went well after lunch and thereâs hope you can talk shit out.
After finally managing to learn how to take turns on that snowboard straight out of hell, and now being able to proudly say you can get down the beginnersâ hill without breaking a single bone, you feel more accomplished than you ever have. Still, you hate snowboarding, and still wonât be doing it again once the two weeks are up.
âWhy arenât we eating at the hostel?â
You didnât mean to say it out loud, not with Namjoon walking right beside you, and it might come off as though youâre calling him out for saying heâd be your chef during the trip, but hasnât cooked a single thing for you yet. Namjoonâs blush only deepens your regret, though he takes it in stride.
âWellâŚuhmâŚI just thought thatââ
âHe canât cook to save his life.â Jungkook interrupts Namjoonâs clear attempt to save face, and youâd never expected to see such a smug look on Jungkookâs face while throwing his friend under the bus.
âOh, thatâs cute. Plenty of women like to cook for their man.â You nudge Namjoon, hoping itâll ease the tension just a little.
âAh, I donât know about that.â
âDid you watch the game?â Jungkook asks, louder than necessary, slowing his pace so he falls in beside Namjoon, forcing you to step aside to avoid colliding with his stupid back.Â
The glare he sends your way matches your own, and youâre sure you can read in his eyes that he wants you to back off from his friend. You barely register what Namjoon and Yoongi are talking about, something vivid about an epic basketball game, too caught up in a silent conversation with Jungkook about what his problem is, and yours. But itâs like youâre out of sync, all questions missed, and answers elusive throughout the whole short walk to Jinâs.Â
You hadnât expected Jinâs to be such a lavish restaurant. Despite having the same rustic feel as the rest of the town, thereâs a touch of poshness that makes it more enchanting than any other place youâve been.
Jungkook wastes no time after stepping inside behind you, passing you to get to the bar where Hara and Hope are perched. Sadly, or maybe thankfully, you donât see how he greets them, as a man steps into your view, broad shoulders blocking everything else.
âWelcome! Iâm Jin! You must be ___.â
Jin practically squeezes you to death with his hug, your sore muscles protesting at how tight he holds you. You canât hold back your laugh, not only because his greeting is the warmest youâve ever received, but because you know the moment he lets go of you, heâll do the same to Yoongi.
âThanks for having us, Jin,â you squeak, tapping his back in hopes itâll make him release you.
âOh please, Iâm so thrilled to finally meet you both.â Jin beams down at you before turning to throw himself at Yoongi, just as you predicted. âYoongi, hi!â
âPlease let go of me.â But Jin doesnât listen, and you think he squeezes your grumpy cousin even tighter than before until he finally lets him go too.
âIâve prepared a whole course for you three. I know Jungkook can be a bit demanding with his food, so Iâll make sure youâre well fed.â
Jin guides you to a table near the bar, and like the little control freak you are, you opt for the chair that gives you a view of the whole restaurant, including the bar. You donât have a great view of Jungkook and Hara, though, as Namjoon is standing perfectly in front of them, but you think you see Hara leaning against Jungkook.
It leaves a bitter taste in your mouth, twisting the knife of jealousy oh-so-slowly in your gut. Youâre not sure how Jungkook could have found someone new so quickly, especially after telling you over and over again that you were the love of his life. Maybe it was just heartbreak that drove him to find solace in someone else. Maybe itâs just a hungry heart wanting to be fed with a fraction of love.
But you donât want to assume that Haraâs love for him canât compete with yours. Even though a part of you is certain that what you felt, and still feel, for him is beyond anything humanly possible. And even if her love for him is pure, yours will always outshine hers. Or maybe thatâs just the green-eyed monster talking, infecting your thoughts.
But so be it. Thereâs nothing left to lose after you lost Jungkook, after you lost yourself, not just during your relationship with him, but in so much more.
Jin takes your drink order, and while at first you thought a Diet Coke would be nice after today, you opt for a whole bottle of wine. Not to share. Oh no, itâs entirely for yourself, because if youâre going to spend the evening witnessing Jungkook with his new flame, youâre definitely not doing it sober.
âYou look jealous.â
âYou donât say.â
âTalk to him.â
âAbout what, Yoongs?â you snap as quietly as possible, fingers digging into the tablecloth to stop yourself from losing it. âHow heâs fucking that model? Or how easy it was for him to move on?â
âThat would be a start.â
âYouâre ridiculous. Now shut up, theyâre coming over.â
Itâs not like you want to stare, but seeing Jungkook so at ease with Hara makes your stomach turn. And why Yoongi had to sit opposite you, leaving no other option but for Hara and Jungkook to sit on either side of you, is something youâll never forgive him for.
âHey!â Hara greets you both so warmly that you regret bashing her in your thoughts. Even if sheâs Jungkookâs girlfriend, sheâs always been nice to you.
âHey, how have you been?â
Jin takes this moment to bring over a tray full of drinks. Yoongi has a beer, Hara a glass of water like Jungkook, yuck, and he sets the whole bottle of wine with a fitting glass in front of you. You should feel embarrassed, but you really donât.
âYou want some too?â you ask Hara out of politeness, knowing Jungkook never drinks during the week, as you pour yourself a generous first glass of your survival drink, wanting nothing more than to down it all before dinner starts.
âOh no, thank you! Iâm pregnant.â
The bottleâs still in your hand, but the glass is already at your lips with a hearty sip in your mouth, which you promptly snort back into the glass. Youâre not sure if the tears springing to your eyes are just from the wine burning your sinuses and uncontrollably coughs or from your heart crumbling into dust at this revelation.
Jungkook, bless the tiny space you still occupy in his heart, is at your side in seconds, helping you recover from the near-death experience, but his touch feels scolding now.
Scolding in a way that makes you think back to all the times he said he wanted to be a dad, to all the times he fucked you raw and let his kink give you the best orgasms of your life. And eventually, you have to force yourself not to picture it, how he found all of that with Hara.
âCongratulations!â you manage to force out after everyoneâs back in their seats and a bit of quiet has settled.
âThank you! Weâre all so happy, right?â Hara caresses her stomach, beaming at Jungkook, who looks just as thrilled as she does.
âYeah! Itâs going to have a wonderful mother.â
âDuh.â She laughs, sipping her water while you drown your glass, smiling and nodding as if you couldnât agree more.
You donât recall much of the conversations during dinner, donât remember the sweet lies you told to hide how broken you are. But when Jungkook and Hara disappear into the kitchen after the meal, you grab Yoongi from his chair and drag him towards the door.
âBye! Thanks for dinner!â you call to Namjoon and Hope, who look confused, but youâre too tipsy to care. Too tipsy to make out what Jin says to you as he rushes out of the kitchen, while you stumble outside.
âWhat was that?â Yoongi pulls his arm out of your grasp, hating it when youâre like this.
But you canât hold it together anymore, alcohol always making you sad, emotional, and sentimental. Maybe it was the last straw, time to let Jungkook go, though him being so wound up this morning still nags at your mind.
âIâve changed my mind.â You start walking towards the hostel, hearing Yoongi following, the snow crunching under your feet. âYouâre free to do whatever you want.â
âYou sure?â
âYes.â
Yes, you are. You need to end this limbo once and for all.
âI need answers, and I wonât get any if Iâm not alone with Jungkook.â
Day 3
Maybe opting to spend the day alone with Jungkook wasnât the best idea youâve had. Not that it isnât necessary to finally get the answers that have been piling up, but youâre not sure how to ask him without it turning into an interrogation.
Facing Jungkook first thing this morning wouldâve been too much too, especially since youâve barely had time to process the pregnancy bomb Hara dropped on you. So, sneaking out of the hostel it is.
You regret not stopping by Hopeâs to grab your winter boots, but with no other option, you head out in full snowboarding gear, aiming to grab breakfast at Jiminâs.
What you didnât expect was to spot Hara in the pastry shop as you stand outside, staring longingly at the treats like a starving kid. You canât face her right now, so you quickly turn and decide to head anywhere else but here or the hostel, hoping thereâs another bakery somewhere in town.
But of course, in your bulky snowboarding gear, youâre not exactly inconspicuous, looking more like an oversized ball of dark fabric against the snow. Naturally, Jimin spots you straight away, waving you in like you originally planned.
And of course, Hara notices too, her soft eyes and glowing smile radiating warmth as she waves at you.
Forcing a smile, you head to the entrance and with one deep breath, step into the lionâs den, thinking breakfast spent with Jungkook would have been the better option.Â
âMorning, ___!â
âHey Hara. Jimin.â
Youâre still a bit pissed at Jimin for being a little shit yesterday, stirring the pot between you and Jungkook for no reason. But seeing him now, friendly and without the evil glint in his eyes, tempers your anger just a bit.
âThe usual?â
âI didnât know I had one,â you laugh, now standing beside Hara, whoâs practically pressed up against the glass display of sweets. Itâs kind of cute, and you reckon the pregnancy hormones are hitting her hard, especially this early in the morning.
âIâd die for a coffee,â she mumbles, fogging up the glass and quickly wiping it clear again to not spoil her view.
Jiminâs back is to both of you, already busy with the coffee machine. âI could make you a decaf.â
âNo, I read somewhere that decaf isnât really decaf. And while nursing, caffeine stays in the babyâs system for up to three days. I donât even want to think about how long it stays in their system when theyâre still in the womb.â
âOh, thatâs wild. I didnât know that.â Youâre genuinely shocked by the news, and a little concerned for any women who donât know either.
âYeah.â Hara sighs, fogging the glass up again and immediately wiping it clean.
Why Jiminâs not serving Hara first and is making your coffee instead is beyond you, but you donât say anything. Maybe she canât decide what to eat just yet, or thereâs something sheâs avoiding. Either way, you donât want to end up as the townâs biggest grouch.
âArenât you warm?â Hara asks, glancing at you, though her gaze keeps drifting back to the sweets.
âYeah.â You stammer a little, awkwardly taking off your coat, walking back to the door to hang it up on the rack, which has been bodged together again. You realise quickly that Namjoon or Jimin clearly arenât cut out for DIY which is definitely a pass.
âSomething to eat?â
âYes,â you and Hara answer in unison, though hers is more of a relieved sigh, making you giggle as you make your way to the table you sat at some days ago.
âWhatâll it be then?â
âHow about a bit of everything as an apology?â you tease, unable to let his mischief slide like you probably should.
âTouche.â
âWhat did he do again?â Haraâs now sitting beside you, both of you watching Jimin as he diligently piles treats onto a massive plate. A brief flicker of guilt runs through you as you think about the way youâve been eating lately, except for that one perfect meal at Jinâs. But youâre only here for a few days, so you might as well make the most of it. Thereâs no way youâre saying no to all this food, especially when Jimin owes you more than that.
âI didnât do anything.â
âMhm, sure,â you smirk, crossing your arms as you exchange glances with Hara, whoâs clearly curious and ready for some gossip, even if itâs at your expense.
She looks stunning in the soft morning light filtering through the window, her thick black hair falling in loose waves like sheâs fresh from a blowout. Maybe itâs just good genes, because her skin is flawless, no makeup, no blemishes, no dark circles.
Maybe, in another life, she couldâve been a friend. But thereâs no way you could ever be close to someone whoâs got the man you love.
âOh, come on, it wasnât that bad.â
âWhat did he do?â Haraâs leaning forward now, elbows on the table, hands framing her perfect face as she eagerly looks between you and Jimin, clearly hooked on your tea.Â
âHeâs been a little shit, stirring trouble.â
âI just brought you your favourite,â Jimin grins innocently, making his way to the table. But you can clearly see the mischievous glint in his eyes again, and before you know it, heâs setting down the dreaded americano in front of you. Haraâs already grabbed a macaron, barely waiting for the plate to touch the table.
âWhatâs so badââ Hara starts, talking through a mouthful of food in a way only you could relate to, but Jimin cuts her off.Â
âSheâs his ex.â
Haraâs reaction is immediate, she starts choking on her pastry, and you flash back to last night when you nearly drowned yourself with wine. Youâre unsure what to do, hesitating with your hands hovering over her, worried about whether patting a pregnant woman on the back is safe as your panic rises. Luckily, Jimin sprints behind the counter, grabs a bottle of water, and leaps back over to hand it to her.
Thankfully, Hara recovers quickly, and your heart slows down as you see sheâs alright.
âWhy didnât anyone tell me?!â
ThatâsâŚnot the reaction you were expecting.
âIf youâd just checked the group chat, youâd know.â
âWait, you have a group chat where you talk about me?!â
âNot important.â Hara waves you off with a hand, though the growing smile on her face makes the gesture anything but rude. She pulls out her phone and starts scrolling through missed messages, clearly catching up on something youâre not privy to.
You try to sneak a glance at her screen, but she leans away, blocking your view. Instead, you watch her face as she scrolls, at first, there are little giggles, but soon her expression sours into a full-on pout.
What the hell are they texting about you? Isnât that illegal or something?
âWhy?â she whines, looking at Jimin while your confusion just deepens.
âDunno. Ask Namjoon.âÂ
âNamjoon?â The name slips out before you can stop yourself. It doesnât make any sense for him to be involved in this.
Hara lets out an exasperated sigh, sinking into her seat like she already knows the answer Namjoon would give but is too drained to accept it. âUgh, no way.â
You clear your throat, hoping to redirect the conversation, though the frustration is building. âNamjoon?â
âYeah, Namjoon. Now eat before it gets cold.â
âYour pastries are cold,â you shoot back, but Jimin just waves it off.
âSee? Now eat.â And with that, he disappears through the door leading to the back, leaving you stewing. You hate him for this, stirring up chaos and then vanishing as if he didnât cause it in the first place.Â
Hara, meanwhile, seems lost in her thoughts, again eating, one handâs wrapped around a croissant, the other clutches a muffin. How she manages to look like sheâs stepped straight out of a commercial is beyond you, and somehow it fits that Jungkook would be with someone like her.
You hesitate, not daring to nudge her. Youâve never spent much time around pregnant women, how fragile are they, really? Better safe than sorry.
âNamjoon?â you ask again, more gently this time.
Her eyes flick up to yours, as if she momentarily forgot where she was. Thereâs no defensiveness in her gaze, only a soft apology. She places the muffin down and reaches out to touch your arm after wiping it clean on her sweater, her hand gentle and comforting like a mother consoling a child. Sheâs really going to make a great mum.
âIâm sorry, love. I canât tell you.â
Surprisingly, it doesnât make you angry. You should be furious, with how cryptic everyoneâs being, and especially with how inconsistent Jungkookâs been treating you lately. But you can see the sincerity in Haraâs face. She really is sorry, and somehow, that makes it harder to be mad. Sheâs justâŚlovable in all the ways youâre sure you never could be.
So you just nod, defeated, and finally start eating your breakfast as well. Thinking about all the conversations you could have with Hara right now makes deciding which one youâd actually want to have not that easy.Â
Asking about her pregnancy could be a start, maybe how far along she is since sheâs not showing yet. It would be a question asked just for the sake of it, to get to know her a bit better. Because quite frankly, even if you checked Jungkookâs or her social media to confirm if he was in town and might be the father of Haraâs child, it wouldnât really help. The evidence wouldnât be enough, seeing as heâd apparently be in Hawaii now if you took socials as proof.
Asking her how her relationship with Jungkook is? Not an option. Why would you willingly want to hear anything about their intimacy? Definite no.
Her childhood? Pass.
Her job? Donât care.
Whether she has pets? Hmm, that would be nice to know. You love animals, regardless of their owner, so thatâs where you settle.
This time though, you swallow the bite of food before speaking to Hara, whoâs managed to eat half of the huge plate sitting before you both while you were lost in thought. Just as you part your lips, inhaling enough air to ask your first personal question, she freezes mid-bite with a half-eaten cinnamon roll in hand, her eyes wide.
âOh noâŚâ she breathes, mortified, cradling her stomach as she drops the roll and bolts towards the nearby toilet, gagging.
To your dismay, she doesnât close the door behind her, and you can hear her throwing up everything sheâs eaten so far, which sets off your own stomach. You start gagging too, barely able to stand, hating this reaction youâve had since childhood whenever someoneâs vomiting or even gagging near you.
You need to leave. Now. So you call out a quick âsorryâ and âbyeâ with your hand over your mouth, grab your coat while passing the sad excuse of a fixed coat rack and rush outside. Youâre not even fazed by the freezing cold, just relieved to be as far away from the sound of vomiting as possible.
Seeing no other option than to go back to the hostel and get your snowboard, you try to calm yourself as much as you can. Itâs finally time to face Jungkook alone, how youâll manage, you donât know, but youâll figure it out as you go.
When you enter the hostel, Jungkookâs already standing in full gear in the main area, turning his head from the hallway leading to the rooms when the chime signals your arrival. He looks confused for a moment, but as you approach your snowboard, you try not to let his presence faze you.
Though you fail miserably when your voice embarrassingly cracks. âGood morning.â
Jungkook still has the same effect on you. Anytime your eyes catch even a glimpse of him, whether in person or just a pixelated picture on the internet, he takes your breath away and makes you flustered all over again. Itâs not like itâs something new, heâs had that effect on you ever since the first time you saw him, when he was tapping on your car window, asking if you needed help as you were clearly having a breakdown because you couldnât, for the life of you, park in the narrow side street.
âMorning. Whereâs your other half?â Jungkookâs voice turns slightly bitter, but as you look at him, you can tell heâs more irritated with himself than anything.
âHeâs not coming.â
Jungkook raises an eyebrow in question, walking towards the door to leave for the hill.
âHe doesnât need it. Itâs just us. Or should we cancel the lesson altogether?â You grin at him as you walk beside each other, playful but secretly hoping for a way out that wonât involve you breaking a bone today.
âNo, âs fine.â You think you catch a small smile tugging at Jungkookâs lips, but he quickly pulls his scarf up over his mouth, hiding it.
âDid you sleep well?â
You mull over his question, wondering if whining about being awake most of the night because of Yoongiâs snoring, which could probably warrant a sleep clinic appointment, and your own relentless overthinking about Haraâs pregnancy and Jungkookâs involvement, warranting an appointment with a psychologist, would be a good idea. But you decide against it. Not just because you donât want to confront him yet, but because voicing a lie to explain why a whole bottle of wine didnât lull you to sleep doesnât cross your mind quickly enough.
âPerfectly. And you?â
âYeah, though the beds are a bit too soft. You like them though, right?â
Nostalgia hits you like a snow storm, the fact that Jungkook still remembers such trivial details about you.
âYeah, I even brought my snuggly,â you giggle, knowing heâll definitely remember that as well.Â
What you didnât consider is that the exact pillow youâve been cradling every night since you got it was a gift from Jungkook himself. When his eyes snap to you, wide with recognition, searching your face to make sure he heard you right, you realise youâve said too much.
He doesnât ask any follow-up questions. In fact, he doesnât say anything, and youâre too caught up in your head to even attempt small talk. How could you, with Jungkook? The two of you have never been like this, never awkward. You were always at ease, immediately friends, then more, and eventuallyâŚnothing at all.
Itâs only when you reach the dreaded hill, with Jungkook stepping in front of you like the instructor he is, and how you should be seeing him right now, , that you try to bottle up everything, telling yourself youâll bring it up later, maybe over lunch. Itâs already late morning, so it wonât be too long until you get the answers youâre desperate for.
âSo, today weâll be snowboarding for real,â he starts, but itâs so much softer than when Yoongi was with you. Thereâs a gentleness in his tone now, something quieter, like heâs trying to ease you into it rather than push. âBut before we lift up and go down the slopes, I want you to get a feel for gliding with a bit of speed.â
Yeah, no. Heâs not easing, heâs definitely pushing you. You donât like where this is going.
âFirst with a rope, then weâll use the hill a few times, and hopefully before lunch weâll make our first descent down the blue slope.â
âBlue?â
âItâs the easiest one. Iâll explain it in detail once weâre up there.â He points with his thumb over his shoulder.
Following the direction, you notice multiple skiers and snowboarders already dashing down the slopes. Youâre pretty sure you hear someone scream right before they fall, snow exploding around them like flour hitting the ground. You gulp dryly, but you nod all the same.
When Jungkook pulls a cut-off lift cord from his jacket, youâre equal parts terrified and impressed by how much he carries around without you noticing.
âClip yourself in, please,â he instructs as he unwraps the cord, walking towards you with both ends in hand.
Of course, you do as he says, but you canât help glancing warily at the cord, still unsure of exactly what heâs got planned.
Shifting awkwardly on your snowboard, trying not to fall while Jungkook messes with the lift cord, you try to ignore the racing of your heart as Jungkookâs gloved hands tug gently around your body to secure it. But all your attempts to focus on anything other than how natural it feels for him to be helping you again, are futile at their best.Â
âYou ready?â Heâs got this grin on his face, one you recognise too well, the kind that usually means heâs about to do something reckless or ridiculous. Itâs the same grin he had that time he convinced you to build a fort out of every cushion in his apartment, just because and why not.
âNot even a little bit,â you admit, but still, youâve never been able to say no to that grin. Snowboarding is definitely not something you ever thought youâd be doing, yet, here you are, letting your ex teach you. Itâs awkward as it sounds, exceptâŚitâs not.
âDonât worry, Iâve got you. Iâm gonna start pulling now. Just relax, yeah?â he grins, his voice carrying that casual, teasing tone that makes your heart ache just a little bit too much. Swallowing hard, you adjust your stance, trying to keep your balance as he gets into position.
âRelax? Youâre literally going to run while pulling me. How am I supposed to relax?â you shoot back, giving him a look. Your knees feel wobbly just thinking about it, and youâre not even moving yet.
He chuckles, his eyes crinkling ever so lovingly at the edges. âTrust me, youâll be fine. Just focus on staying straight and let me do the hard part.â
You shake your head, but deep down, you do trust him. You always have, even when you probably shouldnât. Like that time he tried to teach you how to ride a bike after you told him you hadnât been on one since you were a kid. Heâd run alongside you, holding the seat, laughing the whole time while you screamed about how you were going to crash. And yeah, you did crash. But he was right there to catch you before you hit the ground.
âOkay, here we go!â Jungkook calls out suddenly, interrupting your thoughts. He grabs the lift cord a bit tighter, gives it a little tug, and then heâs off, actually sprinting through the snow, pulling you behind him like some kind of sled dog.
The board jerks beneath you as youâre dragged forward, and for a split second, you think youâre about to eat snow. But you donât. Somehow, you manage to keep your balance, your legs flexing to stay upright as you glide over the snow. You canât help it, you let out a yelp of surprise, half-laughing, half-shrieking, as Jungkook keeps running ahead of you, turning to look over his shoulder with a huge grin on his face, sparkling eyes, and a nose red from the cold.
âSee? Youâre doing it!â he shouts, his voice breathless but excited, clearly proud of you just for managing not to fall.
âDonât distract me!â you yell back, laughing now despite yourself. The rush of the cold air against your face and the ridiculousness of the situation sends a burst of adrenaline through you, and for a moment, you actually feel like youâre snowboarding. Well, sort of. âIâm going to crash!â
âNah, Iâd never let you crash!â
You look up at that and he still looks annoyingly good, like heâs stepped out of a high-end winter sports ad. You wonder if heâs thinking about the past too, about the warmth youâd felt on those lazy Sunday mornings when youâd wake up next to him, the two of you tangled in blankets, sharing groggy laughter and sleepy conversation before starting the day.
Why did it have to end? That thought keeps creeping up, even though you tell yourself not to think about it. You werenât right for each other, or maybe you were, but just not at the right time maybe. But there are still these little moments that get you. Moments like now, when heâs right in front of you, close enough but still far away.
Jungkook slows down a little, but his grip on the cord stays secure, guiding you as you slide behind him. Itâs strangely easy, being pulled along like this. Youâre not focused on your feet or the board or the fear of falling, youâre justâŚmoving because of Jungkook. Making you remember all those rare times youâd dance around the kitchen with him guiding you in his sturdy arms, not caring if you looked ridiculous or if you were stepping on each otherâs socked feet. Back when everything was uncomplicated, and just being with him made you happy.
âYouâre not even trying to steer!â Jungkook calls out, teasing, his breath visible in the cold air. He looks over his shoulder again, his hair bouncing slightly as he jogs, and thereâs something playful and secure in his eyes, something that makes you remember why you fell for him in the first place.
âIâm trying! Let me life!â you protest, though your voice is shaky from laughing too hard. Itâs ridiculous, this whole thing, but youâre actually having fun.
âAlright, Iâm gonna let go now,â Jungkook warns, slowing down even more. âGet ready to stop.â
You brace yourself, bending your knees just a bit more, trying to remember everything he told you over the last two days about controlling the board. But before you can do much more than panic slightly, he releases the cord, and you glide forward, the board still carrying you for a few more feet before coming to a slow, wobbly stop right in front of him, your snowboard between his legs.
You stand there for a moment, catching your breath, and when you turn your head up to look from Jungkookâs chest to his face, thereâs nothing less than a satisfied smile on his lips.
âSee? Told you itâd be fun,â he smiles, like this whole thing was a walk in the park for you. Honestly, it probably would be for him. Heâs always been annoyingly good at making things look easy.
âFun? I almost fell like ten times!â you exaggerate, but youâre still smiling. You canât help it. Itâs hard not to smile when youâre around him, even now, years later.Â
Slightly out of breath, he gives you that boyish grin that makes you swoon even more. âBut you didnât. And you were laughing, which means you were having fun.â
You want to argue with him, to say that just because you were laughing doesnât mean you werenât terrified, but the truth is, you did have fun. More fun than youâve had in a while, actually.
âOkay, fine. Maybe it wasnât that bad,â you admit, brushing some snow off your gloves. âBut I still donât know what Iâm doing.â
âThatâs the point. You donât have to know what youâre doing. You just have to let yourself try.â
You stare at him for a second, trying to decide if heâs talking about snowboarding or , again, something else entirely. Itâs funny how easily he slips back into your life like this when youâre alone and forget about the world, making you laugh, making you feel like things arenât as complicated as they really are. It reminds you of all those little moments you had together, when youâd stay up late, talking about nothing in particular, just enjoying the sound of each otherâs voice or binge-watching shows that neither of you were really that into but refused to stop watching because you both needed to see how ridiculous the plot would get. Or, even, those lazy afternoons spent cooking together, fumbling through recipes neither of you knew how to make, laughing at each other when you messed up.
Those days were safe, easy. And even though itâs over, you miss that ease sometimes, the way heâd make you laugh without trying, the way heâd look at you during the quiet moments when he didnât think you were paying attention.
Jungkook steps back and bends down to pick up the cord again, glancing up at you with that familiar mischievous glint in his eyes. âWanna go again?â
You sigh dramatically, though youâre already nodding. âI guess I donât have much of a choice, do I?â
He laughs, and the sound of it is oh so wonderfully warm. âNope. Youâre stuck with me.â
As he starts pulling the cord again, you feel that rush of excitement building in your chest, the same way it used to whenever heâd suggest something spontaneous or ridiculously dangerous. Itâs easy to forget everything else when youâre with him, how things ended, how youâre supposed to be moving on. But for now, in this exact moment, with him pulling you along like old times, you let yourself enjoy it.Â
Because quite frankly, as soon as you have the talk with him, youâre sure there wonât be any of these shared moments anymore. Ignoring the ticking countdown inside your head is everything youâre willing to do for now, youâre not quite ready to let go of the ease that obviously can still exist between you, fragile as it may be.Â
Some time later, after youâve been gliding, no, really snowboarding, down the hill a few times, youâre sitting on top of it with Jungkook beside you. Both of you are clipping yourselves in, facing the lift where youâre about to head up for your first proper descent.
âPeople are already off to lunch, so the liftâs going to be pretty empty. Try to stop right behind me, Iâve got the ticket for you.â
âOkay.â you hesitate, but maybe itâs the perfect time to clear some of your questions. âUh, before we start, could you tell me what youâve all been saying about me in the group chat?â
âWhat?â
âYeah, like, what youâve been talking about me. About us.â
Jungkook looks completely confused, muttering, âWe donât talk about you there,â but he pulls his phone from his pocket regardless, unlocking it and heading straight to the group chat. âWhat the fuck?!â
âWhat is it?â
You try to peer at his phone, but the sunâs too bright for you to make anything out.
âTheyâve removed me from the chat.â
Frowning at his phone, Jungkook quickly types out a flurry of messages to all his friends, each one filled with the same curse words and passive-aggressive tone. But when you see him typing to Hara, itâs just a politely phrased question, before he puts his phone away and turns to you with apologetic eyes.
âIâm sorry, I donât know whatâs going on withââ
âJungkook!â
You turn towards the chirpy voice calling out, spotting two snowboarders decked out in pink, gliding effortlessly towards you. Their gear isnât baggy, snugly fitting and showing off their slender physiques.
âWhoâs that?â you mutter to yourself, still transfixed by how effortlessly they come to a stop in front of you. You think you hear Jungkook mumble something like no clue.
Both girls remove their scarves and protective goggles, revealing not only perfect features but also flawless makeupâmore suited for a night out than a day on the slopes.
âHey,â Jungkook greets them, confusion evident in his tone.
âItâs so dope to see you again! Right, Minji? Best instructor in the world.â
Both giggle, and you notice Jungkook shifting uncomfortably. Did he sleep with them? They look so young, he wouldnât haveâŚright?
âOh, thanks. Minji andâŚuhâŚâ
âSora!â She winks at him, still ignoring your presence. âItâs been, what? Two years? Weâve grown up now, right?â
âThe Cho cousins! Of course! Wow, you really have grown up!â Jungkook smiles now, no longer bothered by the obvious flirting, though your mood sours the longer the girls stare at him.
âYou remember,â Minji breathes, looking at him like a lovesick puppy.
âYou want to grab lunch with us? Catch up a bit?â
âWe were just about toââ you start, but Sora interrupts you with a pout.
âPretty please?â
âAre your parents with you?â Jungkook asks.
âNo, just us.â
Jungkook turns to look at you, and you school your expression into neutrality.
âWe could have lunch now and thenââ
âYeah, the lessonâs over for today,â you say flatly, unclipping your feet from your board and getting up immediately. âSee you later.â
Youâre not proud of how youâve handled it, but youâre done. Youâve wasted the whole morning without getting any answers, and now thereâs another issue you wouldnât have wanted.
âWait!â Jungkook calls after you, but youâre already at the base, not looking back as you head straight to the hostel, hoping Yoongi had the sense and decency to finally grab your stuff from Hopeâs.
Hearing Jungkook trying to catch up with you gives you that extra boost, despite your muscles aching, pushing you to increase your pace. Itâs pretty embarrassing how youâre practically fleeing from him, but youâre pissed, and youâre petty, and he knows it too. Jungkook definitely still knows how to handle you when youâre like this, but right now, you just canât.
Luckily, he doesnât speed up, and you make it to the hostel first, stumbling inside. Everyone, literally everyone, is scattered around the main area as if theyâre plotting something youâre not in on. They all fall silent the moment you burst through the door, with a few empty takeout boxes on the table and Jimin holding a clipboard and pen.
âUh, hello?â you ask carefully.
That seems to break their trance as everyone starts blinking and moving again. Yoongi gets up with a takeout box in hand and walks over to you.
âWant some takeout?â Heâs being too nice, and the way his eyes shift over his shoulder to Namjoon and Hope does anything but ease your nerves.
âWhatâs going on here?â
No one answers. Jin even starts whistling while cleaning his nails, which earns him a swift kick to the shin from Hara, whoâs sitting between him and Tae.
âJust getting things ready for tonight,â Namjoon finally says, though you can see in his eyes that heâs straight-up bullshitting you.
You donât have time to push for answers as Jungkook bursts through the door too, looking just as confused. âWhatâs going on?â
âPreparations,â everyone except you says in unison, making them seem even more suspicious than they already are.
âWhy are you back so soon?â Hara tries to distract, smiling as she glances between you and Jungkook.
Thatâs your cue to leave though. Youâre not dealing with this today. âThanks for the takeout, Iâm off for a shower. Bye~.â
And with that, you grab the takeout box from Yoongi, swap it with your snowboard, and stomp off in your snow-covered boots towards your suite. Locking yourself inside, you decide to spend the day on some much-needed self-care before you have to face the party tonight.
Because finally having the time to think, or rather, not to think, and just get back to your inner zen, maybe even start acting a bit more rationally, is exactly what you need. Youâre just relieved that everyone, even Yoongi, has left you alone throughout the whole afternoon, only briefly interrupting you so he could get ready for the evening as well.
Youâre not sure why you opted for the clothes youâre currently wearing, feeling ridiculously overdressed for this town, but at the same time underdressed for the weather. Still, you wonât let every other woman around you push you into their shadows, knowing thereâs a spotlight for you too, even though you barely take it.
If Jungkookâs the visual type, which you know for a fact he is, then youâll damn well show him what heâs missing. Not just to give him a mental middle finger, but also for you to feel at least a bit more adequate.
Maybe thereâll be someone at the party whoâll appreciate your appearance, someone who isnât familiar with your past or your sorry attempt at being something youâre simply not. Maybe tonightâs all about getting answers and a change, closing the book written by Jungkook.
Grabbing your small purse, you stuff your phone into it, pulling on your boots, which donât quite match your outfit, but leaving with heels would be a death sentence with the snow-covered streets. Itâll have to do, especially when youâre hoping that Jinâs place is dimly lit, so no one notices your footwear anyway.
When you enter the main area, Yoongi, Namjoon, and Jungkook are already waiting for you, the latter two stunned silent as they take you in. It makes you blush, though you hope your makeup stays true to its claims and doesnât let the pink show through.
Jungkookâs decked out in all black again, his fitted jeans straining against those massive thighs youâve always had a weakness for. You think you spot a silver chain peeking out from his collar, it looks familiar, but youâre not entirely sure. You reckon it might be a new one; time has definitely passed, and it would be odd if he were still wearing jewellery gifted by his petty ex who dumped him.
âFinally,â Yoongi breathes, standing up from the couch with a clap to his knees.
Jungkook throws him an evil eye, though you chalk it up to his general hostility towards him rather than any real annoyance at the semi-rude comment about how long you took to get ready.
âYou look beautiful,â Namjoon smiles, that dimpled smile of his, walking beside you as you head out to the party.
âThanks, Namjoon, I like your hair.â You compliment him back, noticing the effort heâs put in as well, his hair now gelled back, showing off his forehead.
Youâre glad Jungkook doesnât butt in again, though the silent simmering isnât much better. Itâs kind of childish how heâs acting, not that youâre any better, but still, it grates on your nerves. At this point, though, youâre not even sure talking to him would help, considering how loaded everything is between you two, you reckon there might not be a way back to normalcy. Not that you know what normal would look like with Jungkook.Â
When you finally reach Jinâs, youâre pleasantly surprised by how itâs transformed, not just because the whole townâs there, but because the decorations are on point. Multiple mistletoe hang from the ceiling, with glittery ornaments reflecting the fairy lights, making the whole place feel more like a Christmas nightclub than the posh restaurant it was just yesterday.
You spot Hope, Hara, and Tae right away, deep in conversation in front of a makeshift stage, where several microphones and instruments are set up. Jungkook and Namjoon are swarmed within seconds by women swooning over them like starved cougars which annoys you just a bit more than usual.Â
Itâs too much for you again, you canât stand to watch, so you grab Yoongiâs hand and drag him to the bar, needing to drown a shot glass, even if it ends up filled with your tears by the end of the night.
âHey!â Jin greets you from behind the bar, shaking up a drink for an older lady perched on a barstool, who looks like a cross between a crazy rich Asian and a fashion icon. Youâre sure to see Jiminâs hair flopping at the other end of the bar, probably helping out in serving drinks tonight.Â
âYo, Jin, whatâs up?â Yoongi daps him up, and you sit down, swirling slightly while deciding what youâll drink tonight.
âWhat can I get you?â
âA beer for me andâŚâ
âA shot of vodka and a glass of wine, please.â
âGoing hard tonight?â Jin laughs, but he prepares your drinks without much judgement.
âItâs a party, isnât it?â
âOf course. Enjoy yourselves,â he winks, setting down the drinks before heading off to serve another customer.
âYou planning on getting smashed?â Yoongi asks, right before taking his first sip.
âMaybe. Weâll see.â
âJust talk to him.â
You give him a silent glare, throwing your head back as the vodka disappears before you know it. When you get home, youâll definitely need to cut back on the alcohol, itâs gotten out of hand, and you know it.
âMaybe you donât want answers.â
âMaybe.âÂ
âYou coming over?â Yoongi nods towards the group of friends, Jungkook standing with them next to Hara but with his eyes locked on you, watching intensely as you turn.
You canât look away, not when heâs hypnotising you the way only he can, making you feel exposed to the core, even from across the room.
âNo, Iâll come over in a bit.â
âSuit yourself.â
And with that, Yoongiâs gone, pushing through the crowd while you turn back to the bar, watching Jin and Jimin work, taking gulps of wine one after the other, just as soon as you set the glass down.
You canât help but take occasional peeks over your shoulder at the others, always laughing and having a good time. But every time, Jungkookâs eyes are already locked on you, refusing to look away even when you catch him staring. His confidence is bold, and heâs never been shy about it, or anything, really, which only stirs the fire inside you, the one only he could ever ignite.
After your second glass of wine, your mind wanders to fantasies that can only come true in your dreams. What if heâs not with Hara? If heâs not the baby daddy? Would there still be a chance for you? Would you be enough?
What if you are? What if everything goes back to how it once was? Would you be happy? Of course you would, how could you not. Even the toughest days spent with Jungkook arenât as hard as being without him. Youâd take fighting with him over being apart from him any day.
But the fact that youâve been sitting here for what feels like hours, and no one has even attempted to make a move on you, destroys your pride even more. Maybe youâre just not desirable enough, and Jungkook, being the peak of human perfection, would see it that way too.
When he joins you at the bar after some time, you donât even need to look to know itâs Jungkook standing beside you, leaning on the counter, his unique fragrance mixed with his scent gives him away instantly.
âA whiskey, please,â he calls over the music to the barman, Jimin and Jin by now replaced by two unfamiliar faces.
âDidnât know you drink during the week.â
Jungkookâs jaw ticks ever so slightly, his head hanging low as his fringe hides his eyes.
âCanât I enjoy myself too?â
âGo ahead, enjoy yourself as much as you like.â You canât help the bitter tone in your voice, hoping he didnât catch it, but Jungkook noticed.
When heâs handed his drink, he turns to you, and you canât help but take him in. Itâs instinct at this point, letting your eyes shamelessly stray over his build and features, though heâs just the same.
âYou look like youâre doing just fine without me.â Ouch.
âMaybe you do too.â You try to safe face.
Thereâs silence now as Jungkook takes a sip of his whiskey, his darkened eyes flickering over your face as if trying to make sense of you.
But eventually, he just shakes his head. âHaving to learn how to live without you is a lesson I never wanted to learn.â
Heâs gone as quickly as he appeared, and youâre left alone again. You canât spend the whole evening like a fucking loner at the bar, so you order another glass, and once itâs handed to you, you get up and head towards the others.
Just like the rest of the night, theyâre loudly chatting and laughing away, now joined by Jin, whoâs massaging Haraâs shoulders, and Jimin, whoâs clearly annoying the hell out of Yoongi.
â___!â Tae shouts over the heads of the others, bulldozing towards you as you stand beside Jungkook, throwing himself over your shoulders.
The hug mends your broken heart just a little, and you regret not coming over sooner, realising you were once again stuck in your head, missing out on the easy fun that was waiting for you.
âTae, hi!â You feel a bit of wetness on your back, probably from the drink Taeâs holding, but you donât let it bother you, knowing itâll dry in no time with the heat surrounding you.
âYou left so quickly this morning,â Hara pouts, and guilt washes over you instantly.
âYeah, sorry, Iâve got a sensitive stomach andâŚwell, you knowâŚâ
âOh, Iâm sorry!â
âNo, itâs fine! Nothing you couldâve done,â you laugh, trying to brush off the awkwardness.
The chatter picks up again, and youâre relieved no one mentions you keeping your distance until now. Everyone seems pretty laid back, happy to let people take space if they need it. Well, everyone except Jungkook, whoâs stepped a little away from you and closer to Hara.
It stings a bit, well, a lot, but you try to keep the tight-lipped smile intact, tuning into the conversations around you over the music.
âYou ready?â Jin grins over Haraâs head at Jungkook, who shifts uncomfortably.
âDo I have to?â
âCourse you do! Itâs tradition at this point,â Hope laughs, and even though you have no idea what theyâre talking about, his bright laughter makes you giggle too.
Jungkook still looks unsure, but when Hara nudges him, leaning away from Jin to whisper something in his ear while squeezing his bicep, he nods and hands his drink to Jimin, prompting cheers from everyone but you and Yoongi.
âWhat the fuck?â Yoongi mouths at you, and you just shrug, just as clueless.
âHere goes nothing,â Jungkook mutters, and as he and Jin make their way to the stage, Tae giving them both a hard slap on the ass, your own nerves start to flare up.
Hara stands right beside you, pulling you into a side hug. âIâm so proud of him.â
You donât bother asking why; your question will be answered any minute now.
âHello everyone! Thanks for coming tonight! And like every year, letâs kick off the real party with our babystarcandy!â Jin shouts into the mic, tossing paper hearts into the air as Jungkook grabs a guitar from the side, slinging the strap over his shoulder and stepping up to the mic Jin just left.
The room erupts into the loudest cheers youâve ever heard, with Hara screeching the loudest. Jungkook glances at her bashfully with a small smirk.
âHey, everyone.â
More deafening cheers follow, and you swear you see a black bra flying through the air towards the stage, though youâre not sure, your alcohol-hazed vision could be playing tricks on you at this point.Â
âWhat do you want to hear first?â Jungkookâs smooth voice reverberates through the room, and you realise heâs made for the stage. Youâve never seen him like this before.
The crowd shouts random song titles youâve never heard before, but the loudest, and from Hara, is a request for a song called âGuillotine,â one youâve too never heard of. Jungkook locks eyes with her again and simply nods with cheeks dusted pink and a small smile.
âAlright, this oneâs for someone special.â
As the first chords flow from his guitar, his tattooed fingers gliding effortlessly over the strings, eyes closed as if heâs pouring his soul into the song, the entire room falls silent.
âSleep on me, feel the rhythm in my chest and hips.â
You gulp, not just because his voice is beautiful beyond words, but because when you glance at Hara, you see her with glassy eyes, softly mouthing the lyrics. You feel yourself starting to break. The words rain down on you, pulling you under, making it hard to breathe without gasping.
âI will stay, so the lantern in your heart wonât fade.â
This canât be happening. It really canât. Jungkookâs found the true love of his life, and itâs not you. You were never meant to be, just a prototype, an example for the perfect candidate, but only a candidate.Â
Itâs her.
Tears well up in your eyes, though for entirely different reasons than Hara, whoâs now curled into Jinâs side, still singing along, cheering for Jungkook, who keeps glancing in her direction with that same soft smirk.
âI know that you love me, love me, even if I lose my head.â
And as the whole room joins in, singing, clapping, and cheering, you silently crash. Splintering into a thousand pieces, never to be put back together. Your wine glass slips from your hand and shatters on the floor, but the sound is drowned out by Jungkookâs guitar. Still, Yoongi and Namjoon notice. They see you gasping for air, breaking, spiralling, and finally turning to flee from the hell that youâre forced to see.
You push through the crowd, head down, trying to block out the sound of Jungkookâs voice, but itâs everywhere, even as you burst outside and run towards the hostel. Itâs still there, screaming in your head, with no way to drown it out.