If thereâs one thing Paige Bueckers is good at, itâs flying under the radar. Sheâs not strong or powerful by any physical means, preferring her studies and keeping her head down over being the center of attention, but somehow, that had been enough to draw your attention, an aspiring journalist who has all but made the university newspaper her empire. While on a tour through the lab at the New York Genome Center, Paige is bitten by a genetically modified spider, and just like thatâthe big, fat, ginormous crush she has on you isnât the only secret sheâs keeping anymore.
Student by day and masked vigilante by night, Paige is determined to use her newfound abilities for good, but itâs easier said than done. Between trying to keep her grades up, protecting the city, and trying to keep you none the wiser, the blossoming relationship between the two of you is something sheâs desperate to safeguard. However, the truth must come out eventually, and Paige must learn that with great power, there is far more responsibility than she bargained for.
MASTERLIST
one (7/23)
two
three
four
INSPIRED BY...
iris - the goo goo dolls
'you're the closest to heaven that i'll ever be; and sooner or later it's over, i just don't wanna miss you tonight'
there is a particular kind of cold that only exists in rinks built before anyone thought children's bodies deserved warmth.
this is a story about that cold. about two girls who walked into it so young that they mistook it, for years, for the only weather there was. about how you can love someone entirely, uselessly, in a language that was never given the words to survive past the walls it was born inside.
lord, i no longer believe â not in medals, not in mercy, not in the arithmetic of a scoreboard deciding who gets to be loved out loud and who has to silence it, over and over, pressing it into a safe. i believe only in this: that it happened. that the love was real. that somewhere it is still happening, on a loop, forever, in the girls they used to be.
pairing: sasha trusova x anna shcherbakova, mentioned evgenia medvedeva x alina zagitova
content warnings: emotional abuse, psychological abuse, institutional abuse, homophobia, internalized homophobia, eteri tutberidze, angst with no happy ending, sports related injuries, competition trauma, implied emotional infidelity, they both end up with men
sasha is twelve years old and she walks into the rink like she is already furious at it, and anna â nine when she'd started, three years deep in the cold by the time sasha arrives â watches her from across the ice and thinks: oh. here is a girl who hasn't learned yet.
hasn't learned what the building does to softness. hasn't learned the witchcraft eteri tutberidze performs on children, the way she can take a whole, unbroken person and, over months, over years, hollow her out just enough that she skates better empty than full. anna learned this at nine. she doesn't remember learning it, exactly â it's less a lesson than a slow subtraction, a body forgetting, degree by degree, how much of itself it's allowed to keep.
sasha has not forgotten anything yet. that is the whole of the problem, and the whole of what anna falls in love with, though she won't have a name for it for years.
eteriâs voice, in this building, is the weather. the weather changes without warning, without any kind of cause anyone can chart, and everyone has learned to watch the sky instead of asking why.
sasha does not watch the sky. sasha argues with the sky. she comes off the ice trembling with a fury that has nowhere to go except back into her own throat, and anna, sitting on the bench with a paper cup of tea gone cold in her hands, thinks: someone is going to have to hold this girl together, and it is going to have to be me, because no one else in this building is built for holding â only for breaking.
"it would be easier," anna tells her, the first time she works up the nerve, "if you just let her win. it isn't really winning if you fight her. she doesn't lose anything either way."
sasha looks at her the way you'd look at someone speaking underwater. "and then what. i just â let it happen to me?"
"then it hurts less."
"i don't want it to hurt less." sasha's hands are shaking on her own laces, and she yanks them tighter anyway, like punishing the boot for her own fear. "i want to win. i don't care what it costs."
you will care, anna thinks, but doesn't say it. not yet. she is twelve. she doesn't know yet that she is about to spend six years learning the exact shape of that cost, one installment at a time, the way you learn a language â badly, painfully, by living inside it with no other way home.
"i am not a violent dog," sasha says once, wet-eyed, hoarse from crying and from the fight beneath the crying. "i don't know why i bite."
because biting is the only thing this place ever taught you that felt like yours, anna thinks. she doesn't say that either. she just makes the tea â three steepings, because the bags here are old and stingy and nothing gives itself up easily on the first try, not the tea, not the ice, not this whole grey country of a rink â and sits with her until the shaking stops.
she is twelve years old. she already knows.
i am in love, she thinks, watching a furious girl finally go still against her shoulder, with someone who has decided that softness is a language she refuses to learn. and i am going to spend years teaching it to her anyway, one stolen hour at a time, in a building that would call it a sickness if it knew.
she does not have the word yet for what this feeling is. she only has the fact of it, sitting in her chest like a stone she will carry, without complaint, for the rest of her life.
the ice does not remember names. it only remembers weight â where you landed hard, where you landed true, which girl cried into which corner of the rink until the corner itself learned her voice.
if you asked the ice, it would tell you nothing. it has held too many children to play favorites. it melts the same for all of them, eventually. that is the only fairness this building has ever offered.
it happens in july. it happens on a jump anna has landed correctly at least four hundred times, on a morning that is otherwise unremarkable â humid, early, the kind of practice that blurs into every other practice â and then her leg goes wrong beneath her in a way that has a sound. a specific sound. a sound she will hear for the rest of her life in the half-second before sleep, uninvited, arriving like weather of its own.
she is thirteen years old, lying on a hospital bed with her leg elevated in a manner that suddenly makes her whole identity a stranger to her, and the doctors use the words recovery and if, and anna thinks, with a clarity that frightens her more than the pain does: this is it. this is the whole of what i was. condensed down to one wrong landing on an unremarkable tuesday.
sasha visits every day.
she brings terrible vending machine food and worse jokes. she sits at the edge of the bed like she's daring the leg to break worse just from her weight nearby, like fear itself might be provoked into standing down. she reads anna's physical therapy schedule before the therapist has finished explaining it and starts arguing with the therapist about the pacing â too slow, she says, too cautious, as if caution itself were the enemy â and anna, watching her do this, thinks: she would fight god for me if god got in the way. she would fight god and lose and get up and fight again.
"you don't have to keep coming," anna says, more than once, meaning it and not meaning it in equal measure.
"i know," sasha says, and doesn't stop.
it is october by the time anna stands on both legs without flinching, in a small gym that smells like rubber mats and antiseptic, sasha's hand hovering an inch above her elbow the whole time like she doesn't trust the ground beneath either of them anymore â and something in the miracle of it, the sheer unbearable ordinariness of standing upright after months of believing she never would again, cracks something open in both girls at once, all in the same breath.
anna will never remember, after, which of them moved first. she remembers only the moment the hovering hand became a real hand, real weight, real skin, and the thought that arrived with it, distant and enormous: oh. of course. of course it was always going to be her. the way you think of course about a thing that has been true the entire time and has simply, finally, become visible to you.
the kiss is soft. it is, for one unrepeatable moment, the only uncomplicated thing that has ever happened to either of them inside that building's cold particular grey.
anna misses the whole 2017â2018 season. some nights she is certain this is the entirety of her career, slammed shut before it properly opened. sasha is never once certain of that â not for a single second, not even performatively â and she says so, plainly, repeatedly, until anna starts to believe it purely from the exposure. you will skate again. i have already decided this. it isn't up for debate.
sasha wins junior worlds that march. quad salchow. quad toe. a scoresheet that makes the federation officials start saying her name the way you say a word you suspect might become a legend before you've finished learning how to spell it. anna watches from the stands, her leg still a rumor of itself, still not fully believed even by its own owner, and thinks: she has never been more beautiful than this. lit from inside by an arena's noise, finally, finally being looked at the way she has always known, somewhere underneath all that fury, that she deserved to be looked at.
i love this girl, anna thinks, watching her bask, in a way that has nowhere safe to go. not here. not in this life. not in this country, in this building, under this woman's flat and watching eye.
she is thirteen years old. she folds the thought and puts it at the bottom of a safe she is only beginning to understand she will need for the rest of her life â to be dealt with later, she tells herself, by a stronger, older version of herself who does not yet exist.
anna returns to competition that autumn. the leg holds. it holds and holds and she does not believe it â keeps flinching at landings that are, by every measure, perfectly clean, the way you keep bracing for a sound that isn't coming anymore.
there are two versions of this season and anna lives inside both of them without letting either one touch daylight.
one version is only skating â practices, scoresheets, the long grey architecture of a life built around ice time. the other version is sasha's mouth against hers in stairwells, in the backs of team vans with the windows fogged from breath, in the three stolen minutes eteri disappears to take a phone call in the corridor â quick, furtive, terrified, more thrilling for the danger of it than either of them will admit even to each other.
they are careful. they have to be. everyone at the khrustalny already knows, in the specific unspoken way that everyone inside that building knows everything without a word ever being spoken aloud â the way you learn to read a coach's mood off the set of her shoulders before she opens her mouth, the way you learn which girl is one bad session from breaking by the particular quality of her silence. nobody says it. eteriâs silence on the matter is not kindness. it is a held breath. it is a door left deliberately, menacingly unlocked, so that everyone inside can feel, at all times, that it could be opened.
"you know what they'd call it," sasha murmurs once, 2 a.m., a bus grinding through some anonymous stretch of highway, her hand tangled with anna's under a shared coat and not letting go even as she says the thing she's afraid of. "if they really knew. all of it."
"i know what they'd call it."
"they'd call it a phase. or something worse than a phase."
anna doesn't answer. she has already heard, secondhand, filtered through three other girls before it reached her, what one of the junior coaches said once about a boy on the men's team who was seen somewhere he should not have been seen, with someone he should not have been seen with. she has already heard the word â sickness â used with the casual certainty of someone diagnosing a cold. she does not repeat it to sasha. she does not need to. they are already both carrying it, folded into the same safe as everything else this building has taught them never to say into the light.
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here is what goes in the safe: a hand under a coat on a moving bus. a word overheard and never repeated. a hand in a hand. the sound a leg makes when it breaks in july. the silence of a coach who knows and says nothing, which is not mercy, which has never once been mercy, which is only a door left open on purpose so you never forget it could be opened.
the safe does not close all the way. it was never built to. some things you carry your whole life half-visible, half-spoken, the way a bruise stays green at the edges long after the center has gone back to skin.
world juniors, march. anna wins the short program â the first time in this whole rivalry that has â quietly, without either of them naming it, become a rivalry â that she has beaten sasha at anything the paper cares about.
sasha answers with a free skate that levels the building around her. she takes the gold on the strength of that single performance alone, and anna stands one step below her on the podium and claps until her palms sting and tells herself, with real and effortful conviction, that she is happy with this.
she is. mostly. she is mostly happy with this.
that night sasha finds her in an empty stairwell and doesn't mention the medals at all â just kisses her like an apology neither of them will ever say out loud, and anna kisses her back like she means it's fine, it will always be fine, i promise you that even though i cannot promise you anything else in this life â but some small, cold, careful part of her has already begun keeping a private ledger. bronze. silver. gold. a quiet running tally of who is ahead and who is behind, and which of them this love between them is going to cost first, and how much.
she does not say this aloud. she puts it, too, into the safe.
the season blurs the way seasons do at fifteen, fifteen and a half, every week another city, another rink, another version of the same fluorescent hallway smelling of rubber and antiseptic and machine coffee gone bitter in its pot.
there are good days. there are days sasha laughs so hard at something small and stupid that she has to sit down right there on the ice, guard still strapped to one skate, and anna watches her laugh and thinks: this. this is the actual thing. this is what all of it â the cold, the fear, the safe, the bruised-green secret of us â was always for. not the medals. not the scoresheets. just this: sasha doubled over laughing on cold ice, alive in a way the building rarely permits.
there are also the... other days.
the days eteri's voice drops into the register that means someone is about to be taken apart in front of everyone, and it is, more often than not, sasha â because sasha is still the one who fights back, still asks why, still refuses the quiet absorption the rest of them learned years ago as the only survivable posture. anna stopped asking why a long time ago. she isn't sure anymore whether that makes her wiser, or simply more thoroughly emptied.
european championships, january 2020. aliona â sharp-tongued, unbothered by anyone's temper but her own, armored in a way neither anna nor sasha has ever managed â takes gold. anna takes silver. sasha takes bronze, and does not speak to anyone for the entire flight home.
anna reaches for her hand under a shared blanket somewhere above the clouds. sasha lets her hold it. she does not hold back.
this is the first time, anna thinks, watching the clouds pass beneath them, unreachable, that her hand has felt like something i'm borrowing instead of something i own.
worlds is cancelled. the whole world, actually, goes dark around the same time, or feels that way â that particular spring when every rink closes and every plan dissolves and no one, for months on end, is permitted to be near anyone they love.
sasha, predictably, loses her mind about the cancellation of worlds for exactly one week. she loses her mind about the quarantine for the entire remainder of the year â specifically, loudly, uselessly, about the fact that she cannot see anna.
"i don't understand," she says on a video call, static devouring half her face, her voice thin and furious through a bad connection, "why the whole planet gets to decide when i'm allowed to see you."
"it isn't about you," anna says, gently, and regrets it instantly, watching sasha's face do the small closed thing it does when she has said, again, exactly the wrong sentence at exactly the wrong moment.
it is a small thing. it passes, the way small things do. but it is, anna will understand only much later, one of the first threads to fray in a rope she still believes, at the time, has plenty of strength left in it. she does not yet know how many more small frays a rope can survive before it simply, one day, does not.
world championships. anna wins gold. sasha takes bronze â after skating into the free program from twelfth place and coming out of it with the single highest free skate score of the entire event, a ferocious, total, all-or-nothing performance that claws her from twelfth all the way up to third on will alone.
anna has never in her life seen anything like it. she wants, desperately, to tell sasha exactly how extraordinary it was, that she has never watched a human being drag herself up a leaderboard with such pure unrelenting refusal to accept where she'd started. she does tell her. sasha says thank you, quiet and correct, and there is something underneath the thank you anna cannot yet name.
"bronze isn't enough," sasha says later, not looking at her, jaw set like a door someone's trying to close on a draft.
"you climbed from twelfth. that's â"
"i climbed from twelfth and it still wasn't enough." a breath. "it isn't about you winning. i need you to understand that. it's only about winning, full stop. i need it to be me. i need it so badly i don't recognize the wanting anymore."
anna tells herself she understands. she tells herself this is not a wall rising between the girl who wins and the girl beginning, for the very first time, to lose to her â that it is only the sport, only sasha's hunger, nothing at all to do with what they are to each other in the dark of borrowed rooms and stolen stairwells.
she tells herself this. she is not sure, even as she thinks it, that she believes a single word of it.
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bronze is the color of something that used to be gold before the air got to it. bronze oxidizes. bronze goes green at the edges the way a bruise does, the way love does when you leave it out too long in a country that was never going to let it breathe.
sasha wanted gold the way one wants air after being held under water â not as an ambition. as a survival instinct. and there is no tenderness left in a girl who has started confusing a scoreboard for oxygen.
nationals, that winter: kamila â fifteen, glass-fine, jumping things no one her age has any earthly right to jump â takes gold. sasha takes silver. anna takes bronze.
everyone at khrustalny knows, by then, in the way everyone there always knows things without a single word spoken â that kamila is the one eteri is quietly, entirely rebuilding the whole future around. that sasha and anna are both being measured against her now, and increasingly measured beneath her. nobody says this either. it does not need saying. it lives in whose ice time gets protected and whose does not, whose mistakes get corrected gently and whose get corrected the old way, the way that leaves a mark you can't always see from the stands.
and yet â this is the part anna will think about for years afterward, long after everything else about that winter has gone hazy â they love her. both of them. they love kamila the way you love a younger sister you never asked for and would still, without hesitation, put yourself between and any oncoming car.
kamila is fifteen and she still braids her hair the way small children braid their hair, uneven at the ends, and sasha â sasha, who has never in her life been patient with anyone, who fights eteri and fights the ice and fights her own body on principle â sits behind kamila on the locker room bench some mornings and redoes it properly, tight and even, without being asked, without a single word about the fact that this same girl is the one being quietly built into the future that has no place in it for either of them. "hold still," sasha tells her, the exact voice she uses on anna when anna refuses to rest when she is clearly exhausted, softer, almost maternal, and kamila holds still and lets her, the way you let someone who has decided to be gentle with you when nobody else in the building has bothered to be.
anna remembers kamila crying once, in august, after a session where eteri had gone after her in the particular flat cold voice reserved for the ones being groomed for something larger than themselves â the logic being, apparently, that the more was expected of you the less permission you had to be soft about it. kamila had come off the ice and gone straight past everyone into the corridor and folded herself into a corner like she was trying to disappear into the wall, fifteen years old, first season in seniors, and already learning the lesson anna had learned at nine and sasha had learned at twelve. anna found her there. didn't say anything at first â just sat down on the floor next to her, back against the same wall, the way you'd sit next to a wounded animal too frightened to be approached directly.
"it doesn't get better," kamila had said, not really a question.
"no," anna told her, because she had decided a long time ago never to lie to the younger ones about this particular thing, even when the truth was unkind. "it doesn't get better. you just get better at carrying it."
"that's not the same as better."
"no," anna agreed. "it isn't."
sasha found them there ten minutes later with a paper cup of vending machine tea, and pressed it into kamila's hands without comment, and sat down on her other side, and the three of them stayed like that for a while â a hallway, a wall, a bad cup of tea passed between three girls who had all, at different ages, learned the exact same lesson in the exact same building.
"we've got you," sasha said, eventually, to kamila, and anna remembers thinking, watching sasha's face in that unguarded moment, that there was nothing performed in it at all â that whatever else sasha's hunger for gold had begun to do to her, whatever it had already started costing the two of them privately, it had not touched this. this was still whole. this, at least, was still just tenderness, offered freely to a girl neither of them had any real reason to protect except that she needed protecting and they had both once been exactly that unprotected too.
there were good nights that winter, in among all the grinding sameness of it. kamila teaching them both a dance from a video she'd seen, badly, all three of them laughing too hard to actually learn the steps, sasha doubled over against the boards the way she used to double over laughing at thirteen before winning had started to cost her the ability to laugh about anything for very long. kamila, once, quietly asking anna â in the tone of someone testing whether a question is safe to ask at all â whether it was true, what people said, about her and sasha. anna had gone very still, the old khrustalny-bred instinct rising in her before she could stop it, and kamila had seen the stillness and said, quickly, gently, for a fifteen-year-old with startling gentleness, "i don't care. i just wanted to know if you were happy. that's the only part i actually care about."
"we're happy," anna had told her, which was, that winter, still mostly true.
"good," kamila said. "somebody in this building should be."
anna and sasha barely see each other outside the rink that whole winter, is the other thing that's true, running underneath all of it like a current beneath ice. it is not a fight. it is smaller than a fight and worse â it is only distance, ordinary and quietly accumulating, the kind that does not announce itself with a slammed door but simply arrives, degree by degree, until you look up one grey tuesday and cannot remember the last unhurried hour the two of you spent together, just breathing, without a scoreboard between you. some of what fills the space where that closeness used to live is kamila â is the two of them pouring into a younger girl the tenderness they no longer have enough spare hours to pour into each other, as if loving her carefully might be a way of proving, to themselves, that they still knew how.
they are still, underneath all of it, in love. anna would swear to that on anything left to swear on. but she is beginning, that winter, to learn the difference between love and closeness â that you can keep the first and still watch the second quietly leave the room, coat already on, not looking back. and she will think, much later, after beijing, after the falls, after watching her sweet kami's dreams shattered in front of the whole world â she will think of we've got you, of a fifteen-year-old's uneven braid redone with unexpected patience, and wonder whether any of it was ever going to be enough to protect a girl this building had already decided, long before any of them understood the shape of what was coming, to spend entirely.
the olympics arrive with everything already burning around them â a war just begun, half the delegation uncertain, until the final week, whether they will even be allowed to compete under their own flag at all â and eteri makes it plain, in the flat unnegotiable voice she reserves for the things not up for discussion, that disappointing her is simply not an option this cycle. not this year. not with everything else already on fire.
so they give their very best. all three of them, in the specific brutal way that means giving something you were never asked whether you had left to give.
the team event: kamila skates a program that helps carry the gold. and then, before the medals are even placed around anyone's neck, the ceremony is delayed â a positive test from the previous december, surfacing now, of all the moments it could have chosen, and no one is certain for days whether she will be allowed to compete in the individual event at all. the mood inside the rink turns into something anna has never felt before, not once, in six years of cold: not merely pressure, but a specific, textured dread, everyone watching to see which way the ground is about to move beneath them.
kamila is cleared. the tension does not lift. it climbs.
covid protocols keep anna and sasha apart in ways that have nothing to do with the war and nothing to do with the panel deciding kamila's fate â separate housing blocks, staggered ice times, a hundred small bureaucratic walls neither of them has the standing to argue down. they text instead. small things. i love you. get some sleep, please. i am already so proud of you. it is not enough. it has to be enough. it is the only thing either of them has left to offer across a hallway they are not permitted to cross.
the short program: kamila finishes first. anna, second. sasha, fourth, after a fall on the triple axel she will not discuss with anyone, not even anna, not that night, and not for a very long time after.
sasha skates first of the three of them, near the very end of the final group, under lights so bright anna will swear afterward she could feel the heat of them from the boards.
five quads promised. five quads delivered. anna watches from beside the boards with her heart lodged somewhere at the base of her throat as sasha throws her entire body, again and again, at every promised piece of impossible difficulty inside four unforgiving minutes â and lands it. all of it. every quad, furious and complete, a performance that does not so much skate across the ice as detonate against it. the score returns at 177.13, and for one full unguarded minute, watching sasha's face crack open with something that is not relief so much as vindication finally arriving after years of being owed, anna feels a pride so enormous it frightens her.
there she is, anna thinks. there's my girl. she did the impossible thing. she did it in front of the whole world, and now the whole world finally has to see what i have always seen.
for one minute, it is enough. for one minute, the safe does not exist, the country does not exist, nothing exists except the fact of sasha, finally, luminous, correct.
then anna skates.
she does not remember much of it afterward â the way you never remember the moments that matter most while you are inside them, the way the body performs the miracle and leaves the mind to catch up later, alone, in a hotel room, replaying something it barely witnessed the first time. she remembers landing both her quads. she remembers the ice, for once, refusing to betray her â the whole program moving through her like something she had already lived once before and was only now, finally, catching up to. 175.75 for the free skate. 255.95 in total. gold.
kami falls. twice. drops to fourth, the future eteri had been quietly rebuilding around her collapsing in real time, live, in front of the entire world.
and it is enough. more than enough. she is enough.
and anna has never in her whole life wanted a single moment less.
she stands at the boards afterward, the medal not yet weighing down her neck, and watches the wreckage unfold on the far side of the rink: eteriâs face gone the particular still white it goes right before it turns into something far worse; kamila crumbling into a shape four grown adults have to half-carry off the ice between them; and sasha â sasha, who skated the performance of her entire life, who did every single thing that was ever asked of her and then kept giving more â standing frozen as though her legs have simply refused the instruction to leave, because leaving means it's final, means the scoreboard has closed, means silver.
eteri's girls do not get second chances at their dream. anna has known that sentence her whole career the way you know water is wet, something you accept without asking why it's true. she has never before watched it land, in real time, on someone she loves, in front of the entire world, with nowhere for either of them to look away to.
sasha breaks. not quietly. anna watches her break from clear across the ice and can do nothing but stand there â sit there, later, in the mixed zone, a gold medal already far too heavy around her own neck â and think, over and over, the only thought her mind will allow itself to hold: it wasn't supposed to be like this. none of it. not one part of this was supposed to look like this.
the medal ceremony, when it finally happens: anna in gold, radiant in a way she cannot feel underneath, not really, not where it counts. sasha just behind her in silver, jaw locked, eyes fixed somewhere very far away. and kaori â sweet, unassuming kaori, from the other side of the world, who skated a beautiful program and finds herself, against every single prediction made about this event, standing on the same podium in bronze, radiating a pure and uncomplicated joy that none of the two russian girls beside her can access, not even for the photograph, not even for one second.
kaori is, anna thinks distantly, quite possibly the only person on that podium who is simply, uncomplicatedly happy. it is the loneliest thought anna has ever had, while wearing a gold medal around her throat like a stone.
standing there under the lights, anna wants to tear it off her own neck and put it around sashaâs instead â gold was never supposed to be hers if it couldn't be theirs, and everything she has ever owned has always, quietly, hopelessly, belonged to sasha first.
she does not do it. there are cameras. there is a country watching. there is a whole life built on the specific discipline of not doing the thing you want most in front of a single working camera. so she only stands there, medal heavy and wrong against her collarbone, and thinks it instead, as hard as she has ever thought anything: take it. take it, it was always yours before it was ever mine.
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nobody warned anna that gold was heavier than it looks. nobody warned her it that it would sit on her collarbone like a hand pressing down, not up â that the whole world would call it a crowning while it feels, from the inside, exactly like a debt coming due.
anna has wanted this since she was twelve years old and furious on a bench, laces too tight, and now she has it, and the girl she wanted it beside is standing one step down with a face like someone that just found out the story does not end the way it was promised.
gold does not warm anything. gold is just another kind of cold, polished until it looks like the opposite of what it is.
anna sits alone in her room for a long time before she cries, because for the first hour after the medal ceremony she does not feel anything at all â just a vast, ringing quiet, the specific silence of a body that has spent everything it had and has not yet been told it is allowed to stop. the gold medal sits in its case on the desk like something that washed up on a shore it was never meant to reach. she does not open the case again. she cannot look at it directly, the way you cannot look directly at the sun even when it is the only light in the room.
it is the corridor that finally does it. she steps out just to breathe, just to put her back against a wall that is not covered in cameras, and the hallway is that depressing olympic-village grey, fluorescent and endless, doors identical on both sides, and something about the sameness of it â how ordinary this hallway is, how completely unequipped it is to hold what happened three hours ago on a sheet of ice a hundred meters away â breaks her open where the ceremony couldn't. she slides down the wall and cries the way you cry when nobody has told your body it is safe to stop yet, big and ugly and silent, because even now, even here, some old khrustalny instinct in her keeps her from being loud about it.
she does not know, when she finally stands up and starts walking, what she is going to say to sasha. she has no plan. she only knows the shape of the thing she needs, and it is the exact same shape it has been since she was thirteen years old on a bench with cold tea in her hands â she needs to not be alone in this, and she cannot bear, physically cannot bear, the thought of sasha being alone in it either, two doors down a hallway just like this one, in a room just like this one, with a silver medal sitting in its own case like a verdict.
she knocks. there is a long pause before anything happens â long enough that anna's whole chest goes tight with the fear that sasha won't open it, that this is already the kind of night where doors stay shut â and then it opens, and sasha is standing there already crying, hasn't even tried to hide it, mascara gone entirely, face raw in a way anna has only seen a handful of times in six years, all of them worse than this one, and none of them, somehow, worse than this one either.
"shall we cry together?" anna asks. her voice comes out smaller than she means it to. "the way we always have?"
sasha doesn't answer with words. she just steps back to let her in, and the door clicks shut behind them, and for a moment neither of them moves â just stand there in the entryway of a hotel room that could be anywhere, that could be the khrustalny's locker room six years ago, that could be any of the hundred rooms their love has had to hide inside â and then sasha's face does something small and terrible, a crumple that starts at her mouth and works its way up, and anna catches her before she goes all the way down.
they end up on the floor. neither of them chooses the floor exactly â it's just where they land, backs against the foot of the bed, gold and silver both zipped into bags somewhere across the room, unlooked-at, like neither medal has earned the right to witness this. sasha cries the way she used to cry at thirteen â hot, furious, a fight even now, even exhausted past the point of fighting, some old reflex in her that can't fully surrender even to grief. anna just holds on. she has held on before. she knows how to do this the way she knows how to breathe.
"i wanted it so badly," sasha gasps, at some point, into anna's shoulder, voice wrecked down to almost nothing. "i wanted it more than i have ever wanted anything in my whole life, more than â " she stops. starts again. "i skated the best program of my entire life. i gave it everything. everything i had, everything i've ever had, i put it all on that ice, and it still wasn't enough, and i don't â i don't know what i'm supposed to do with a life where i gave everything and it still wasn't enough."
"it was enough," anna says. "sashka. it was the most enough thing i have ever seen anyone do."
"it wasn't gold."
"i know."
"you got the gold."
it isn't an accusation, exactly. it's worse than an accusation â it's just a fact, laid down flat between them like something neither of them can pick back up, and anna feels it land somewhere under her ribs, a small fracture opening in a night already full of them. she doesn't defend herself. there's nothing to defend. she only tightens her arms and says, quietly, the truest thing she has: "i would give it to you if i could. i mean that. i have never meant anything more in my whole life. i would take it off my own neck right now and put it around yours if it would fix even one part of this."
sasha goes very still against her. for a second anna thinks she's said the wrong thing again â that it sounded like pity, like something offered instead of something felt â and she starts to take it back, to explain, but sasha speaks first, muffled into her shoulder. "don't say that."
"why not? it's true."
"because i believe you," sasha says, "and it doesn't help. it doesn't help at all that you would. it just means i have to know, on top of everything else tonight, that even you can't fix this. that there isn't a version of tonight where you giving me your medal actually changes anything real." a broken, almost-laugh. "we're not children anymore. you can't just hand me the good thing and make the bad thing stop happening. i used to believe you could. i used to believe that about you completely. i don't think i believe it anymore, and i don't know if that's about the medal or about something else."
that lands harder than the fact of the gold. anna doesn't answer right away. outside, muffled through the wall, someone's television murmurs in a language neither of them speaks fluently, and somewhere further off a door closes, and the ordinary sounds of a building full of other people's ordinary nights go on without either of them.
"is that what tonight is?" anna finally asks, careful, "or is that everything. the last year. is that what you actually mean."
sasha doesn't answer for a long time. long enough that anna counts three of the muffled voices through the wall changing tone, long enough for her own heartbeat to become the loudest thing in the room. when sasha finally speaks her voice has gone somewhere flatter, somewhere anna recognizes with a cold drop in her stomach â the register sasha uses right before she says something she's been carrying alone for a while.
"i don't know anymore where the sport ends and we begin," sasha says. "i used to know. when i was thirteen i knew exactly. you were the soft thing and the ice was the hard thing and i understood the difference perfectly. i don't understand it anymore. when i fell in the short program the first thing i thought, before i even hit the ice, the actual first thought, was she's going to win now. not i failed. not even i'm hurt. just â you. i thought of you before i thought of myself, and i don't know if that's love or if it's the sickest thing i've ever felt, and i think i've stopped being able to tell those two things apart, and i think that's what's actually breaking tonight. not the silver. that."
anna doesn't have an answer for that. she isn't sure there is one. she just holds on tighter, and feels sasha's breathing shudder against her, ragged, uneven, catching on itself the way it used to catch at twelve years old on a bench, laces too tight, hands shaking â and for one disorienting second the five years between then and now collapse entirely, and anna is twelve again, holding a girl together who doesn't know how to be held, except now they are both seventeen, and the stakes are no longer a training session but an entire life, and anna understands, with the specific clarity that only arrives at 2 a.m. in a foreign country holding someone you love while she comes apart, that some frays cannot be re-tied. that you can hold a rope together with your bare hands for exactly as long as your arms hold out, and no longer.
"i'm sorry," anna says, finally, uselessly, because it is the only thing left that's true and small enough to say out loud. "i'm sorry it was me. i'm sorry it wasn't nobody. i would rather it had been anybody else in the world than me."
"i know," sasha says. "that's the worst part. i know that. and it still doesn't change what i felt when they read the scores. i clapped for you and i meant it and underneath the clapping there was this â this thing, this ugly small thing, and i hate it, i hate that it's in me, and i can't get it back out no matter how much i love you, and i do love you, annushka, i love you so much i don't have anywhere to put it anymore. there's no room left. everything's already full of this other thing too."
they stay on the floor a long time after that. the crying slows, then stops, then starts again in smaller waves â the kind that come back not because there is more grief but because grief, once it finds an open door, keeps testing whether it's still unlocked. at some point sasha's hand finds anna's on the carpet between them and holds it the old way, the stairwell way, the way from six years of doorways and borrowed minutes, and neither of them says anything about it, because there is nothing left in either of them to say that wouldn't just be another version of the same unbearable sentence.
somewhere near dawn, sasha falls asleep sitting up, still holding anna's hand, face swollen and finally, mercifully, still. anna stays exactly where she is, arm gone numb, and watches her breathe, and thinks about the word she overheard once, years ago, about the boy from the men's team â sickness, rot in the marrow â and thinks, watching sasha's face slacken in sleep the way it hasn't since they were fifteen: if loving her is a sickness then let it be terminal. let it be the only diagnosis i ever receive that i refuse to be treated for.
anna will remember this night, later, as the last one it was simple between them. not the last night they loved each other â she already knows, even at 4 a.m. with a numb arm and a stranger's ceiling above her, that the love itself is not the thing that's ending â but the last night the love and the grief were still pointed in the same direction, still aimed at the same wound, instead of, slowly, unbearably, starting to aim at each other.
russia is banned from that season's world championships before either of them has even boarded the flight home â the entire federation swept up together in the war. anna barely registers it as a loss. she is already gone, in the ways that actually matter, though it will take her another full year to admit that out loud, even to herself, even in the privacy of her own head at 3 a.m.
her back â always fragile, always a single bad landing away from finished â quietly, finally, gives out for good sometime that spring. she tells rusfed it is the injury. she tells herself it is the injury. some nights, lying awake, she allows herself to know it is not only the injury.
she and sasha keep training in the same building for a while afterward, out of habit more than anything resembling intention, and it is anna who notices first â one ordinary tuesday, nothing dramatic about it at all, no argument, no door slammed â that they have gone an entire week without really talking. not about anything that matters. not the way they used to, back when talking was the whole point and skating was only the excuse for being in the same room.
she notices it in a small, rising panic â the specific kind that arrives when you realize a slow leak has already, quietly, emptied most of the tank while you were busy looking somewhere else.
she calls evgenia that night. zhenya, who loved and lost her own girl before this â alina, sharp and small and devastating, who left the same kind of hole behind that sasha is only just beginning to open in anna â zhenya, who understands in her bones the very specific grief of loving someone the sport was always, from the very first day, going to take from you, one medal at a time, one silence at a time, until there was nothing left to take.
"it doesn't announce itself," zhenya tells her, voice thin over a bad connection, calling from somewhere far from khrustalny now, somewhere she has spent years trying to build a life that does not have eteriâs voice living inside it anymore. "it doesn't end in a fight. you keep waiting for the fight, because a fight would at least mean something happened. it just gets quiet instead. and then quieter. and one day you look up and it's just â over. except it's never actually over. that's the part nobody warns you about. that's the part that stays."
"how do you live with that."
zhenya is quiet for a long moment, long enough that anna wonders if the call has dropped. "you don't, exactly," she says finally, flatly. "you just keep getting up in the morning anyway. that's the whole of it. that's the entire secret. there isn't a second part."
a safe, left locked long enough, stops being a safe at all. it becomes a room. it becomes a house. you can live your whole life around it, build a marriage in the hallway just outside its door, raise a child two doors down the corridor from it, and never once open it again â and it will still be there. still holding the same thing. the door still exactly as heavy as the day you closed it.
this is not a metaphor. this is just what love does when a country decides, on your behalf, that it was never allowed to have a door at all.
sasha gets engaged first. anna hears it from someone else â a mutual friend mentioning it lightly, in passing, the way you'd mention weather, unaware it is a sentence that will take the floor out from under anna's whole afternoon. she writes a congratulations message that takes forty minutes to compose and reads, in the end, as though it took four seconds and cost nothing at all.
his name is makar. anna knows him â of course she knows him, everyone in that world knows everyone else, they trained in the same rink for two winters when they were all still children who thought the ice was the only thing that could hurt them. he is nice. that is the terrible, unbearable truth of it â he is genuinely, uncomplicatedly nice, patient in a way khrustalny never taught anyone to be, and he looks at sasha like she is a whole country he intends to spend his life learning the geography of. anna cannot even hate him for it. she has tried. it doesn't take.
sasha marries him the following year, and anna attends, because sasha asks her to stand near the front, because sasha holds her hand for one long unbearable second before the ceremony and says, quietly, i need you there, i can't do this without you there, and anna â who has never once in her life managed to refuse this girl anything â puts on the dress evgenia helped her pick out and does her hair and sits in the second row like a woman entirely at peace, and is not at peace, and has never been less at peace in her whole life.
she watches makar's face while he says his vows and he has a good face, an honest face, a face doing its very best to hold something enormous and fragile without dropping it. she watches sasha's face while sasha says hers back and it is the same face anna has memorized since she was twelve years old on a bench with cold tea in her hands â except it is turned toward someone else now, angled at a different light, and anna sits very still and thinks, with a clarity that feels almost merciful in how completely it wrecks her: he is not me. he could never be me. and it does not matter, not one single bit, because she is his now, on paper, in front of god and the federation and everyone either of them has ever known, and i am only the girl in the second row, smiling, clapping, dying very quietly and very politely in a borrowed dress.
they are both nineteen years old. anna thinks about that for a long time afterward â how young nineteen actually is, how absurd it is that a life can already be so entirely decided by nineteen, that two girls who were still learning to steep tea properly at twelve are now, at nineteen, already required to be finished. already required to have arrived somewhere permanent. she does not remember agreeing to grow up this fast. she does not think sasha does either.
at the reception sasha finds her for exactly ninety seconds near the coat check, out of makar's line of sight, out of everyone's line of sight, and takes both of anna's hands in both of hers and says nothing at all â just stands there, forehead nearly touching anna's, breathing like she's trying to memorize the exact shape of this particular kind of goodbye â and anna thinks, this is the last time. i don't know how i know that, but i know it.
then someone calls sasha's name from the other room, the way someone is always, eventually, calling sasha's name from some other room, and she goes, and anna stands alone by the coats for a while longer before she makes herself walk back in and smile at all the right moments for the rest of the night.
nobody who knows them well believes, later, that it went as smoothly as it looked. nobody who knows them well says so out loud, because this is russia, and in this life there are entire categories of true things you simply do not say aloud â not to comfort a friend, not in private, not even now, not even years and continents away from the khrustalny's cold.
then comes the baby. anna finds out from an instagram post, the way everyone finds out about everything now â a small, soft-focus image of sasha's hand curled around a small, soft-focus foot â and she sits with her phone in her lap for a very long time, in an apartment that has gone entirely silent around her, feeling something that isn't quite jealousy and isn't quite grief and is mostly just that specific, wordless ache of loving someone whose entire life has quietly rebuilt itself somewhere you are no longer standing, somewhere you were never given a door to.
her own engagement arrives about two years after â a good man, gentle, uncomplicated, who has never once, not for a single second, made her feel the particular unbearable lightness sasha did at sixteen in a stairwell with someone else's coat pulled up over both their heads against the cold. she says yes anyway. she means it, in the careful, smaller way you can mean a quieter yes when the larger one was never, not for one day, going to be permitted in this life at all.
she wonders sometimes if sasha heard about her engagement the same way she'd heard about the baby â from a stranger, from a photograph, sitting alone somewhere with her own phone heavy in her lap.
she thinks probably yes. she thinks sasha probably sat with it for exactly as long as anna sat with that photograph of the small soft foot, turning it over and over in her hands like something she couldn't put down and couldn't pick all the way up either.
they see each other now only at the events that require it of them â a gala, the retirement ceremony of someone they'd both once shared ice with, the kind of room where everyone is polite and thoroughly photographed and nobody's actual face is visible in a single frame the cameras take home.
at one of these, years later, they end up alone for a moment near a service exit, coats already buttoned, both of them married now, both of them careful now in the specific practiced way you get careful after enough years of practice, both of them so much older than seventeen it startles them both, privately, at the same instant.
"do you ever think about it?" sasha asks. she doesn't specify what. she has never had to specify what.
"every day," anna says. "for whatever that's still worth to either of us."
sasha looks at her for a long moment â the particular look she used to give anna across the khrustalny's ice, back before either of them had a single word for what it meant â and anna thinks, unbidden, of something she overheard once, years and years ago now, a coach's flat voice describing a boy who had been seen somewhere he should not have been seen: this is a sickness. this is what rot in the marrow looks like. she had folded that sentence into the safe at fifteen and never once taken it back out, not in all the years since â but she hears it again now, standing in this cold service corridor with sasha's collar turned up against a draft neither of them will name, and thinks: if this is what a sickness feels like, then i have never, not for one single hour of my life, wanted to be cured of it.
"i don't know you anymore," sasha says, quietly, and not unkindly â the way you'd say something true and sad and entirely without malice. "not really. not the way i used to know you."
"i know."
"i love you anyway. still. i don't think that part is ever going to stop, no matter how much of everything else does."
"i know," anna says again, because it is the only true sentence left standing between them, and because some doors â once you have walked through them together at thirteen years old, on a cold bench, with tea steeped too long because nothing in that building ever gave itself up easily â never fully close. no matter how many years you stack on top of them. no matter how many husbands, how many children, how many gold medals you pile against the frame, trying to hold it shut.
they do not touch. they never touch anymore â not even a hand briefly on an arm, not even that small a mercy. they only stand there a moment longer in the cold hallway, two women who were once girls together inside the worst and best building either of them will ever, in one lifetime, come to know â and then someone calls sasha's name from the other room, and she goes, the way she has always eventually gone, toward whatever was asked of her, because that is the only motion this life ever really taught either of them how to make.
anna watches the door close behind her.
she thinks: shall we cry together? the way we always have?
there is no one left standing in the hallway to ask.
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somewhere, always, it is still 2016. somewhere a girl walks into a cold building not yet knowing what it will take from her in exchange for what it will teach her to want instead. somewhere another girl watches her from across the ice and already, impossibly, already knows.
the medals get old. the marriages happen anyway. the children grow up never knowing the shape of the safe their mothers carry. but somewhere, on a loop, forever, two girls are still thirteen, and the tea is still steeping, and neither of them has learned yet that this is the part of the story they will spend the rest of their lives trying, and failing, and trying again, to get back to.
part ii: john simmons, 'hermia and lysanderâ, c. 1870. / caspar david friedrich, 'wanderer above the sea of fog', german, c. 1818. / john william waterhouse, 'lamia and the soldier', c. 1905. / frederic leighton, âthe painterâs honeymoonâ, c. 1864.
find chapter two's art list here (soon to be updated.)
FEATURING: Jacaerys Velaryon x fem!reader, minor Aegon II Targaryen x fem!reader
SUMMARY: Life changes when you spend years apart from those you care for most, but your love for Jacaerys never doesâexcept his for you does, and not in a way you anticipate. OR, Jace returns to King's Landing after ten years apart, fully intending to steal you from Aegon, and nothing goes according to plan.
WARNINGS: fem!reader. TARGCEST (aunt-nephew, half-sibling). reader is a Targaryen (daughter of Viserys & Aemma)âno physical features are explicitly described (silver hair, purple eyes, etc) BUT it is implied through Jace's insecurity that he does not look like her because he references not looking like "everyone else". forced marriage (reader & Aegon). Reader & Aegon are VERY young when they have their kids (14 & 13 respectively), and reader has some complications/health issues following the birth because she was so young/her body wasn't ready for it. Post-partum depression. Smut. Oral (f!receiving). Jace is very sloppy and very eager and very inexperienced. Overstimulation. Dubcon-ish (not really, but Jace worries in the aftermath that he pressured her). Infidelity (technicallyâAegon and reader are both cheating on each other LOL but neither gaf). Jace is wildly unhinged about reader and everybody but reader knows. Codependent relationship. Slight age gap (5 years between reader & Jace)
NOTES: Warning: this is 40k words, please read it anyway, I promise it will be worth it euhuhuhuhhh. ALSO, some of the fic might look as though it's oddly formatted (paragraphs are smushed together when they should be separated) that is because it is formatted oddlyâI had to smush together 150 paras so that I could post it all in one post, so unfortunately I feel as though it lost some of the effect </3 but it should still read as I intended. Just know that if you look at it and there are some points where it's like paragraph after paragraph </3 that is not my fault, I had it separated very easily and very readable. Also, I messed up the timeline somehow, suspend thy disbelief, the dance still plays out as its supposed but for some reason it's happening a year earlier LOL. Anyway, love you all! All reblogs & comments are appreciated, especially on this one because 1) it is a lot of writing all at once, and 2) it was literally the most discouraging moment of my life when I tried to post and got an error and had to spend an hour and a half condensing my perfectly structured fic. On that topic, sorry for the lazy description, I fear my heart was not into it after I had to massacre the structure of this fic. If there's any warnings missing, pls let me know and I'll add them!
JACAERYS, 10; READER, 15; 120 AC
Two years have passed, but the ache in your chest has never quite subsided since you parted ways with your sister and her sons.
"How does it feel? That you get to see our sister anddearest nephews again? It has been what? Two years, has it? Are you excited, wife?"
You exhale hard through your nose, turning your face away from Aegon when you see him leaning over the rail trying to make eye contact with you, a shit-eating grin on his face. You do your best to ignore the way your heart sinks at the reminder of the silence you have faced from Dragonstone.
Aegon, naturally, is always quick to rub it in your face. You turn a half-hearted glare onto him when he pointedly shifts back into your field of vision, but you do not even have the energy to snap a snide comment back . Your chest is weak, and your fingers are trembling, nausea eats away at the back of your throat every time you open your mouth. Even just holding yourself upright is an effortâall you want to do is go sit in the captain's cabin, but your pride refuses.
"Leave her alone, Aegon," Aemond says, leaning on the rail of the ship next to you, looking up wistfully as Dreamfyre trills above the ship, spinning in the air before swooping down closer to the water. "Why do you always have something to say?"
Aegon scoffs, folding his arms over his chest as he looks away. "Mind your business, Aemond" he mutters. "I thought she would be pleased to see them again. It is not my fault she remains so sensitive."
Your eye twitches, and a familiar screech cuts through the sea air above.
Every head on deck turns skyward. High above the ship, ZĆ«gaxes circles lazily through the clouds, always close enough to keep you in his line of sight, pale white scales gleaming beneath the afternoon sun as he follows the royal envoy to Driftmark for Lady Laena's funeral. Sunfyre dives after him, always keen on playing chase with the larger dragon, but ZĆ«gaxes is in no mood for fun today, same as youâthe moment Sunfyre comes within striking distance, ZĆ«gaxes snaps viciously at his throat, forcing the young dragon to dive away with an indignant shirek, barely avoiding the bite.
"Your dragon is a vicious beast," Aegon mutters, downing another cup of wine, face a bit paler at the sight of his dragon nearly meeting an untimely end at the teeth of yours. "Keep him away from Sunfyre, would you?"
"You wouldn't have to worry about it if you would concern yourself less with your cups and more with my disposition," you reply wearily, rubbing at your temple. "ZĆ«gaxes only takes issue with Sunfyre when I take issue with you."
Aegon looks up at the two dragons, then back at you. "⊠Right," he replies, clearing his throat and lowering his goblet. "Then I will take care not to bother you today, sister."
"Aegon the Sagacious," you murmur sarcastically, eyes sliding shut as a wave of dizziness hits you.
Beside you, Aegon grins boyishly and agrees, "Aegon the Sensible."
You find yourself smiling, despite how your hand drifts to your chest as your heart flutters weakly. Above you, ZĆ«gaxes makes a noise closer to croon than roar, coming dangerously close to the ship, and Aemond hesitantly looks between the two of you, offering his arm for you to lean on.
You shake your head and say quietly, "I am fine, valonqar."
He stares at you for a moment, unconvinced, but returns his gaze to the sky as ZĆ«gaxes swoops down lower, trying to remain as close to you as he can.
Over a year has passed since the twins' birth, but your body still behaves as though it had happened yesterday. You nearly died giving birth to themâfourteen years old, and the maesters had already begun speaking over your body as though you were no longer there, debating whether to save you or the children when the bleeding refused to stop, ignoring you when you begged them not to let you die. It was your father who stepped in when Aegon fled to the bottom of a flagon, trembling violently at the idea of having to choose between you and the children. The king ordered the maesters to save you first, voice carrying through the chamber with a fury you'd never seen from him before.
Somehow, all three of you had lived, though you reckon death may have been kinder if this is to be your fate. You tire too quickly now, and your hands shake when you hold the children for too long. Some mornings, merely fastening your gown leaves you breathless enough that your ladies insist you sit before attempting the stairs. The maesters tell you that you should be resting every time they catch you up and about, but there is only so much time you can stay abed before you would sooner collapse on the stairs than remain still.
In the beginning, they give you a general range for when they believed your body would return to what it was, but they stopped with that moons agoâyou fear that this might be your life now. Even Aegon had stopped arguing with them, no longer laughing when they forbade you from flying or carrying both twins at once.
You hate it. You feel as though you've lost a part of yourself that you do not know how to live without. You have always been up with the sun, running about the castle long after the moon had risen. You were in the yard with Ser Steffon every morning until your hands blistered and your shoulders burned, and in the sky any other given moment, flying recklessly over King's Landing and the Blackwater with ZĆ«gaxes every chance you got. You spent a year with your uncle, Daemon, perfecting your form and skill so that you could be the bestâyou were determined that one day you would beat him and claim the Valyrian steel sword Dark Sister for yourself.
When the court whispered that you should be gentler or softer, you would toss your hair over your shoulder and laugh, because you were neither gentle nor soft, and anyone who had a problem with it could face blade or dragonâyou would be kind enough to give them a choice.
Now, you struggle to leave your bed in the morning and can scarcely make it to the dragonpit, much less climb atop ZĆ«gaxes. There are days you look at yourself through a looking glass and do not recognize the girl staring back at you. Her face is thin, and dark circles linger beneath her eyes that no amount of sleep can eraseâthere is always a child in her arms and a shakiness to her limbs. She is a wife, a mother, a princessâall of the things the court had wanted her to become.
Yet, you are no longer entirely certain who you are. Somewhere between the wedding feast and the blood-soaked sheets, all of the endless, sleepless nights, you feel as though you lost the girl who spent entire days racing through clouds and challenging knights twice her size simply because she could. The girl once called hÄedar and muña, whose greatest worry had been whether Rhaenyra would get upset with you for sneaking Jacaerys more snacks than he ought to have, had slipped through your fingers before you even knew you were losing her.
And no one cared to mourn her besides you. Rhaenyra had not come to your wedding, and Jacaerys had never come to visit. You sent ravens to Laenor asking if you could join him at sea and gifts to Lucerys from Pentoshi merchants who had arrived with the spring, and they had gone unanswered.
When your belly had begun to swell beneath your gowns, and you sent ravens with trembling fingers to tell Rhaenyra that you were scared, you would go to Maester Orwyle, eyes wide with anticipation only for him to give you a disparaging smile as he told you none had arrived for you. When the twins were born and the maestars whispered that the young princess might not survive the night, you cried every night because all you wanted was your sister.
Every morning for the better part of a year, you found yourself glancing toward the skies before you even realized you were doing it, looking for the familiar gold of Syrax or even Vermax's small green wings crossing the Blackwater, but they never came.
At first, you had made excuses for them. Rhaenyra has duties and children to tend to, and Jacaerys is too young to come on his own. But weeks turned to months and months turned to years, and there came a point where no excuse could rid you of the resentment. Because how could they leave you alone when you needed them most? You would never do that to them. Never.
And you had needed them. Not for the weddingâyou endured standing beside Aegon in the sept without them after the two of you downed a flagon of wine togetherâbut when the twins came too early, and the world narrowed to blood and pain and fear. You thought your final breath would be spent calling for people who you knew were not there, and the childish part of you had still waited for the doors to burst open anyway.
But every raven had gone unanswered, and every nameday passed without a visit. You wonder if something had happened on Dragonstoneâmaybe Rhaenyra had wanted to come and could not, maybe Jacaerys still asked after you. Or maybe they had learned to live without youâout of sight, out of mind.
"Driftmark!" the captain shouts from the quarterdeck.
You tense instantly. You do not know if you're ready to see them.
Aemond inches closer to you. "Do you want to come sit in the captain's cabin with Helaena and I, mandia? I become terribly seasick during docking."
You do not think Aemond has ever been seasick before, and concern is plain in his eyes when he glances down at how your fingers tremble on the wood rail. It is more for your sake than his, you realize, but he is courteous enough to allow you a sliver of pride, unlike his brother.
"Aemond the Chivalrous," you say with a small, teasing smile, causing the younger boy to flush when he holds his arm out for you to take.
"Aemond the Gallant," Aegon immediately echoes with a sharp laugh, mocking to your sincerity. "You will be a fine knight, if not dragonrider, dearest brother."
Aemond immediately scowls, gaze dropping to the ground, shoulders hunching slightly. You squeeze his arm lightly and say, "Do not listen to him. I fear a fish has more sense than he does. You will bond with a dragon one day, Aemond, that I have no doubt." He gives you a small smile as he looks up at you, but his violet eyes are still riddled with insecurity. You promptly change the subject and ask, "Did Helaena find the spiders she was looking for?"
"There are five," Aemond confirms. "She is trying to determine whether they might be a family."
Aegon makes a noise in the back of his throat, and you know he is rolling his eyes, but he follows the two of you as you make your way across the deck, hovering at your other arm in case you lose your balance.
Your teeth grind in frustration again. Once upon a time, you would have bounded across the deck three steps ahead of them, laughing when the ship lurched beneath your feet and Aegon lost his balance. Now, Aemond shortens his stride without comment, pretending not to notice when your hand tightens around his arm after a particularly rough swell, and Aegon tosses his cup to nearby servant so that he can catch you in case your legs give out.
Just as you reach the captain's cabin, the ship's bell sounds overhead. A voice calls, "Prepare for docking!"
Your step falters, gaze slipping to the side to settle on the pale stone of High Tide in the near distance. You see Syrax on the hill, golden head lifting when she notices ZĆ«gaxes soaring above the royal envoyâshe lets out a familiar trill, but he does not echo it the way he used to, the dread you feel undoubtedly weighing on him as heavily as it does you.
Somewhere on the island is Rhaenyra, Jacaerys, Lucerys, and Joffrey. You have spent two years imagining this moment. You have practiced what you would say in mirrors and anticipated every excuse you would be given for their absence, but somehow, none of it had prepared you for how much it would hurt.
ââââââââââââ
You have always associated your sister's smile with warmth. Before she left for Dragonstone, seeing her smile could be the difference between a ruined day and a perfect one. It chased away every lingering stare from the court and soothed every anxiety faced. It reminded you that for all the loneliness of the Red Keep, you would always have her.
You're not sure what you expected, you think later, long after the services for Lady Laena had ended, and you are sitting in the chambers Princess Rhaenys and Lord Corlys had set up for you and Aegon as the sun sets across the sea. Your half-brother is nowhere to be foundâlikely drunk in a ditch or in some whore's bedâyou do not care either way. You are happy to be alone, so that you may finally let yourself feel whatever it is you have been holding at bay all day.
Rhaenyra smiled at you when she saw you step off the ship beside Aegon, and you felt nothing.
You had imagined this reunion a thousand different ways over the past two years. You would throw yourself into Rhaenyra's arms, laughing as Jacaerys threw himself into yours, and you would shout at her until your voice gave out. You planned all of the angry questions: why did you never come, why did you never write, why did she let you face your wedding, pregnancy, and labor all alone? Why, why, why?
But you had only smiled faintly at her back and turned your gaze away.
You could feel her occasionally watching you throughout the servicesâgaze pinned on you, red and black in a sea of green and gold, the twins, the handmaidens that tend to you whenever your body weakens. The longer she stares, the more frustrated you become. Does she not even care to ask how you've been? To learn the twins' names? What had you done to make her so cold?
As difficult as it was ignoring her, ignoring Jacaerys was harder. You forced Aegon to run interference through use of threat of ZĆ«gaxes to Sunfyre, but it was clear that the boy was angry with you. Every time you looked over at him, he was already glaring at you. His brows were drawn together in a furious scowl that you've only ever seen reserved for Ser Criston, and the moment your eyes met, he would raise his chin until you looked away. It was a far cry from the open adoration that you had become used to years ago.
You do not understand it. You had been the one abandoned and ignored. You were the one who had waited for people who never came.
There is a knock at your door, drawing you from your thoughts. You tense, glancing over to where the twins had only just fallen asleep after hours of wailing, but they do not stir.
"Come in," you call, uncertain of who it might beâAemond or Helaena, you wager, because Aegon does not knock when he barges in.
Your gaze lifts to as the door creaks open, and you falter when you recognize Rhaenyra. You inhale deeply, shifting to sit up straight on the settee as you say quietly, "Sister."
Rhaenyra hesitates before she motions toward the cushions next to you. "May I?"
You almost tell her no. You stare at her so long that you see her visibly falter, looking uncertainly between you and the door as she considers taking her leave. Before she can, your gaze drops and you nod.
When she sits down next to you, she sits close enough that you can smell the faint scent of vanilla in her hair. Your heart achesâyou have missed her. You have missed all of themâher and Laenor and Jacaerys and Lucerysâbeing near enough again to inhale the familiar scent of her hair oils only serves to make that longing worse.
She reaches for your hands, and you let her hold them.
"IâŠ" Rhaenyra hesitates as she gathers her thoughts. "I confess, I have prepared many times what I would say to you when we met again, but I find myself at a loss anyway. I have missed you, sweet girl. I had⊠been under the impression that our father would wait to wed you and Aegon until your sixteenth nameday. I did not thinkâ"
She cuts herself off abruptly, grimacing as she looks away.
You stare down at your joined hands, trying to push away the hope that rises, because how does this explain anything? A royal wedding is no trivial affair, and she expects you to believe that word did not reach Dragonstone that the King's secondborn daughter and firstborn son had wed? She expects you to believe that word did not reach Dragonstone when you gave Aegon a son and a daughter? That she did not receive any of your ravens?
It's nonsensical. She had to have known.
"I sent ravens," you say, voice clipped. "Dozens of them. More. I was alone, and I did not know what to do, and Iâ"
I needed you, you do not sayâyou do not need to say, because Rhaenyra's expression instantly drops as she shifts closer to you. She does not hesitate now when she moves to pull you into her arms, cradling the back of your head so that you can press your face into the crook of her neck.
You tell yourself that you want to remain strongâyou want to question her, you want real answers, not excusesâbut the next breath you take in breaks over a sob, fingers twisting into the red velvet of her dress as you sink into her familiar warmth.
"I did not receive them," Rhaenyra whispers, pressing her lips to the top of your head. "HÄedar, I would have come. I would have come in an instant, had I known."
You tremble in her armsâyou have had your half-siblings over the last two years, but it is not the same. There is always a degree of distance between you and them because of Queen Alicent; they are not the woman who raised you, who snuck you snacks when you were sad and shielded you from the cruelty of the court. That was always Rhaenyra, and two years without Rhaenyraâ
"I do not believe you," you rasp. "You had to have known. I do not believe you. Iâ"
"I knew you had wed," she admits, stroking your back and your hair. For the first time in two years, you feel as though all of the weight that has been bearing down on you lifts from your shoulders. You are hÄedar, muña, the girl you thought dead in place of a mother and wife. "By the time word reached Dragonstone, weeks had already passed. I was furious with father. I wrote to you that very night. Then another raven after a week had passed. Then another." She shakes her head. "When none returned, I thought⊠I wondered if perhaps you blamed me. That you no longer wished to hear from me."
Your stomach turns, breath ragged as you press your face harder into her skin. What does she mean? What does she mean that she sent ravens? What does she mean that she only knew after the wedding took place? You sent ravens weeks before the wedding took place.
"I am a fool, sweet girl," Rhaenyra says softly, pulling back to look at you. There are tears spilling over her cheeks, though she does her best to wipe them away before you notice. You suck in a terrible, choked breath, because you know your sister well enough to know that she is not lying to you. "I should have known better. I should have flown to you the moment you did not respond. Someone must have been interfering with the ravens, Iâ" Her expression twists into one caught between fury and heartbreak. "âI will figure it out. I swear."
"I was so scared, mandia," you dare to say out loud for the first time now that you are back in your sister's arms, lifting your hand to wipe at your eyes messily. "I thoughtâ"
I thought I was going to die, you cannot bring yourself to say, breath hitching as the fear you felt in that blood-soaked bed finally returns. You have pushed it down for months, pretended it did not exist every time your gaze fell upon a maester or septon who was in the room, and suddenly, you were back in that bed, fourteen and crying, drowning in your own blood while strangers tried to convince Aegon that the children's lives were worth more than yours.
"They stopped talking to me," you say, words tumbling out, because now that you have begun, there is no stopping the avalanche of fear you've held in for the last year. "The maesters and the septonsâthey were all talking over me like I wasn't there anymore. I kept telling them that I didn't want to die, that I wanted someone to send to you, but nobody listened. I thoughtâI thought maybe it was my fault. That the gods were punishing me."
"For mother," you whisper. "They cut her open to save me, mandia. I thought perhaps this was the gods' way of making things right. That they had decided a life for a life was only fair. That they would cut me open and I would die the same way."
"Do not ever say that again," Rhaenyra hisses, eyes meeting yours as she holds your hands tight. "Our mother loved you, hÄedar. She sang to you while you were a babe in her womb; she could only sleep when she could feel you kicking against her hand. Her death was not your fault. She died because men demanded too much of herâand they demanded too much of you. You were a child, hÄedar."
A wail escapes your lips before you can catch it, hand flying to your mouth to smother itâit is an ugly thing, loud and helpless, far from the silent tears and grief you swallowed every morning when you looked at yourself in the mirror. You crumple against Rhaenyra as she gathers you into her lap, like you weigh no more than you did at eight years old. Your fingers twisting in her gown as months of fear, exhaustion, loneliness, and resentment pour out of you all at once.
"I didn't want to die, and I didn't want to get married, and I didn't want to have children. I thought of you every day. I wanted to go to you, I tried, but I couldn'tâI can'tâ"
Your words dissolve into another cry. Rhaenyra holds you for a long, long timeâuntil your eyes start drooping and the wails turn to sniffles and even the sniffles fade to silence. She holds you still after you've calmed, lips pressed to the top of your head, humming the old lullaby she used to sing when you were a babe plagued with nightmares.
Your eyes linger on the cradles across the room. You have never sung to them.
"I hate them sometimes," you whisper after a few moments of silence pass, voicing the wretched words aloud for the first time now that you are safe in your sister's arms. "It is not natural that a mother should hate her children, I should think."
You regret them as soon as they've left your mouth, heart pounding and fingers shaking as you stare at where they are lying in their cradles, fast asleep, ignorant to the words their own mother has just spoken.
"HÄedarâŠ" you hear your sister start to murmur, and you rush to continue, filled with shame.
"I do," you insist, shaking your head violently. "Sometimes I do. When they cry and cry, and my chest hurts so much I cannot even lift them without my arms shaking⊠when I wake and my whole body aches before I have even opened my eyes. I look at them, and I hate them."
The words taste sour.
"I hate that they took everything from me," you continue, voice breaking. " I look at them, and all I can think is that I used to be someone else."
You do not dare to look at your sister. You rub your face hard, trying to rid yourself of your tears.
"And then they laugh or reach for me, and they are so tiny, and they never wanted me to suffer." You curl into yourself, voice barely audible. "They deserve a better mother. There is something wrong with me, I think."
You almost expect Rhaenyra recoil, but she only gathers you close, tucking your head under her chin as she strokes your hair.
"You are too hard on yourself, sweet girl," Rhaenyra asks quietly. "All I hear is a little girl who was made a wife before she understood what marriage was, and a mother before she had finished being a child herself. It is not your fault, hÄedar."
"But I should not think those things."
"You should not have been put in a position where you could."
"I wanted to love them immediately," you whisper. "The way you loved Jacaerys, but Iâ"
There is a loud noise from right outside your room, startling the both of you. Rhaenyra immediately stiffens, rising to her feet to stand between you and whoever is there.
She demands, "Who is there? Show yourself?"
The door creaks open, and Jacaerys stands there, tears streaking his round cheeks. He is dressed in his nightgownâyour heart sinks. How much did he hear? He must have followed Rhaenyra when he heard her leave their shared chambers to see you.
"Iâ" he starts to say, voice wobbly. "I wasn't trying to listen, I promise. Iâ"
He is lying. His nose bunches and he cannot hold your gaze, the same he has always acted every time he tried to get away with a lie. When neither of you reply, Rhaenyra's brows knit together in disappointment and your lips parted in anxiety, Jacaerys shifts uncomfortably on his feet, looking between the two of you desperately before his gaze lands on you, brown eyes big and pleading.
"Nobody told me," he whispers so quietly you barely hear him. "I didn't know. Iâ"
The anger that had clouded his face throughout the funeral is gone, and in its place is only fear. The same fear you had seen on his face when he was running to you through the Keep after Ser Criston had struck him, the fear from the day you left for Pentos, and the fear from the morning you were forced to remain in King's Landing while he left for Dragonstone. The anxiety drains from you with haste as you let out a soft breath,
"Mandianna," you murmur, holding your hand out for him.
Jacaerys immediately rushes to you. Before you can say anything else, he drops to his knees in front of you, arms tucked around your legs. Your hands settle on the top of his head, fingers absently toying with his dark curls as he buries his face into your lap.
"I'm sorry!" he sobs. "I thoughtâyou didn't come say hi. I thought you hated me because I broke my promise, and that's why you never wrote me back." His shoulders tremble violently beneath your hands as you smooth circles on them. You look at Rhaenyra desperately for help, but she only gives you a small smile. "I wanted to go back for you. I asked mother all the time when we would come, I promise. I asked and asked, and she always said soon, and thenâ" He hiccups. "Then it was never soon."
"Jacaerys," you start to say.
"I thought you didn't love me anymore," he continues, looking up at you with watery eyes. "Then I heard you saying you almost died, and IâI wasn't there. I should have been there, muña.
You pull back just enough to cup his cheeks. He presses his nose into your hand, still sniffling as you smile at him. You say quietly, "There is nothing you could've done, mandianna."
"It doesn't matter. You don't know that!" Jacaerys disagrees, eyes welling up with tears again as he looks up at you from the floor. "I could have been there. I could have held your hand. I would have told them to save youâ" Your eyes slide shut briefly when you realize he heard everything "âI would have made them listen. I knew Aegon wouldn't take care of you. I knew it."
"Jacaerysâ"
"What if you'd died?" he blurts. "What if I'd never seen you again? I was angry with you all day. I didn't even come say hi because I wanted you to be sorry, andâbut if you had diedâwhat if you had died thinking I hated you? Or that I broke my promise? Muña, I'm sorry, please forgive me."
You lean down to grab him beneath the arms, ignoring the way your whole body aches and screams for you to put him down so that you lift him up to sit him on your lap before he can spiral any further. You wrap both arms tightly around him as he collapses into you. He clings to you desperately, fingers twisting into your gown, face pressed to the crook of your neck, the same way you were with Rhaenyra just moments before.
"I'm right here," you tell him. "It's okay. There's nothing to forgive."
Slowly, his breathing starts to even out. "I don't want you to die," he says at last, sniffling still. "Please don't die, muña."
You laugh lightly and say, "I do not intend to, Jacaerys. Not for a very long time, if I can help it."
Jacaerys sniffles one last time, the tension gradually leaving his small frame as he melts into you. For a long moment, the room is quiet save for the crackling and occasional hitch of his breath, your fingers combing through his hair automatically, just as they had done countless evening before the world ever came between you.
Then, there is a soft cry from the opposite side of the room, and all three of you look toward the far side of the chamber. Jacaerys startles, as though he has just remembered the twins are there at all, and Rhaenyra cannot help the curiosity that slips onto her face as she looks in the direction of the cradles.
"Would you want to⊠meet them?" you ask hesitantly after a moment, looking between Jacaerys and Rhaenyra.
Jacaerys wipes hastily at his eyes with the heel of his sleeve before nodding frantically. Rhaenyra gives you a soft smile, reaching out to cradle your face briefly as she says, "Of course, hÄedar."
You rise to your feet a little unsteadily, feeling a little faint from lifting Jacaerys onto your lap. Before you can take a step, both Rhaenyra and Jacaerys reach for you at the same time.
You tell them with a strained smile, "I'm all right."
Jacaerys's brows furrow as he insists that you hold his arm anyway, so you indulge him, crossing the room carefully with the two of them. You stop beside the cradles and stare downâfor the first time since giving birth to them, you are not immediately filled with that familiar knot of dread and guilt.
"This is Maegelle," you say, brushing your fingers against the girl's face, watching as she reaches for your hand on instinct. She is quiet, unlike her brother, who is always babbling one thing or another unless he is asleep, and even then, sometimes. "And this isâ"
His name catches in your throat, and your smile falters. Rhaenyra notices, casting you a concerned look.
"Maegor," you say at last, quieter, not daring to look at their reactions to your chosen name for your son.
The name feels different now than it had a year ago. You insisted upon it while still confined to your bed, too weak to sit upright for more than a few moments. Aegon had gone missing after they demanded he choose between you and them, so the choice of name was left to you. The septons had balked immediately, muttering that it was an ill-omened name, cursed by history. Alicent and Otto had looked scandalized. Even your father was surprised, eyes widening in confusion.
But you had not caredânot then, at least. The decision had been born of pure, childish spiteâa tiny act of rebellion from a girl who had been denied every greater one. At the time, it had felt like the only decision in your life that had truly belonged to you in a long time, because you had looked them in the eye and, for the first time since your wedding, felt something other than fear and anxiety.
But looking at your son now, asleep and blissfully unaware of the burden his name carried, you feel only regret. You have cursed him to the same fate you have spent your life sufferingâthe same fate you have tried to shield Jacaerys fromâwith a single, stupid decision.
Rhaenyra seems to understand, because she always does. She gives you a small smile, leaning down to ghost her lips against your head. She says softly, "It is a strong name. We need not let one man own it forever."
"They are very tiny still," Jacaerys declares. There is an odd expression on his face as he reaches out to touch Maegor's silvery hairâhe gnaws at his bottom lip and looks away uncertainly, pulling his hand away. "They are not as fussy as Joff was."
You laugh. "Give it a few hours," you tell him. "When they decide they would rather scream than sleep, you may change your mind."
"Can I help tomorrow? If they're awake?" Jacaerys asks, brown eyes wide and searching as he looks up at you. "Please." When your lips part to tell him to ask you properly on instinct, he corrects hastily, "Kostilus. Kostilus, kostagon nyke dohaeragon?"
Please. Please can I help?
"You've been practicing," you praise, smiling when he preens at the acknowledgment. "I'd like that very much, mandianna."
Rhaenyra watches the two of you for a long moment before she brushes a kiss against your brow, then another atop Jacaerys's curls.
"It grows late," she murmurs. "Lucerys is undoubtedly searching every corridor for his brother by now⊠Though, I suspect he may not be finding him tonight, so I should go find him."
Jacaerys looks up hopefully.
"May I stay?" he pleads before turning to you. "I'll be quiet, I promise, and I'll help if the twins wake, and I won't steal all your blankets. Maybe some of them."
"Of course, you can stay, silly boy," you murmur.
Jacaerys's face lights up in delight as he turns a questioning look on his mother, who smiles and inclines her head in approval.
"Sleep well, both of you. In the morning, we shall settle this mystery of the missing ravens."
ââââââââââââ
It is still night when you wake up, and Jacaerys is gone.
One of your ladies in waiting, Lady Melynda Darklyn, sits near the cradles of the twins. She has always been the most dutiful of your companions, checking in when the moon is high to see if the twins are comfortable so that you might get a full night's rest. You push yourself out of bed, ignoring the weakness in your chest, so that you can make your way over to her.
She catches the movement from the corner of her eye and rises to her feet. "Princess," she says, taking a step in your direction and holding out her arm to you, but you hold your hand up to signal for her to stay seated.
"Melynda, did you see Jacaerys?" you ask, an uncertain feeling weighing on you as you glance back at your bed. Jacaerys is a horribly heavy sleeperâyou'd once joked to Rhaenyra that the boy could sleep through Doom if given the chance. He has always slept later than you, and you doubt that he has suddenly become a light sleeper after two years apart. "He was spending the night in here."
Melynda shakes her head. "No, princess. Would you like for me to send someone to go search for him?"
"No," you reply immediately, lips pressed together as your gaze sweeps over the large room one last time. "Would you stay with the twins, please?"
"Of course,," Melynda tells you, unable to push the concern from her face when she sees how your hand instinctively lifts your chest when you move toward the door, but she knows better than to push when you have your mind set on doing something yourself. "Be careful, princess. It sounded like there was a bit of a commotion coming from the Hall of Nine."
You glance at her over your shoulder, brows furrowed slightly, but then you nod in thanks before pushing the heavy door open to your chambers to step out into the cool hall. Ser Steffon, Melynda's brother and your sworn sword, is nowhere to be found.
You reach back into your room to grab your cloak, sliding it over the nightslip you wear to make yourself presentable before you make your way down the winding hall in the direction of the Hall of Nine. Your body is always weakest before dawn. The maesters say it is because you do not sleep enoughâif you remained in bed more and gave your body more time to heal, the weakness would easeâbut you have stopped believing them. You have given yourself moons of rest and nothing has changed. You cannot remain abed forever.
By the time you reach the first flight of stairs, your legs are already trembling. You pause long enough to steady yourself against the cold stone wall before continuing onward down to the main level of the castle.
As you round the final corner leading toward the Hall of Nine, you finally hear the commotion Melynda had mentioned.
"He attacked Baela!" / "He broke Luke's nose!" / "They attacked me!" / "He stole my mother's dragon!" / "Enough." / "He was going to kill Jace!" / "I didn't do anything!" / "Enough!" / "It should be my son telling the tale!" / "He called usâ"
"Silence!"
"What happened?" you ask quietly when you see Daemon leaning against the door, looking into the Hall of Nine. He tilts his head to the side to look at you, gaze slipping over the cloak you tugged around yourself and the weakness plain on your face. He holds his arm out to you silently, beckoning for you to lean on it; you exhale through your nose as you do so gratefully. "Do you know?"
"It appears your nephews and my daughters have taken the eye of your dearest half-brother," Daemon says flippantly.
You shoot him a wide-eyed look, unsure if you heard him properly, but Daemon only nods in the direction of where Aemond is being tended to by a maester. Your stomach drops at the sight of the stitches running through his eye, and your gaze cuts over to where Jacaerys and Lucerys are standing with their mother, blood running down both of their facesâBaela and Rhaena, too, curled into the dress of Princess Rhaenys. What has happened?
"âlegitimacy of my sons' birth was put loudly to question," you hear Rhaenyra say as you focus back on the conversation at hand instead of the blood spilled.
Beside you, Daemon straightens slightly, and your own eyes widen, breath catching as you look from Aemond to Rhaenyra to Jacaerys. Aemond raises his chin as he stares at Rhaenyra and her sons, and Rhaenyraâshe looks cornered. Alone. She knows that by voicing this, she will be doing something irreversible, but what choice does she have when faced with a half-brother who has lost an eye and accusations of murder being cast toward Jacaerys and Lucerys? You make a move as though to step forward, but Daemon stops you, shaking his head slightly.
Your father is the first to speak up. "What?" he demands.
Suddenly, all of the fears that have been festering in your gut since you were a child and first realized the whispers of the court had turned on your nephews resurface with a vengeance.
This is what you have feared, this is what you have dreadedâthe whispers are about to be given life, and once they are given life, there is no returning to how it had once been. The accusations will haunt Jacaerys, Lucerys, and Joffrey for as long as they live and more.
"He called us bastards," Jacaerys says at his mother's shoulder, voice small, expression twisted. He tries to stand tall under the eyes of everyone in the room, but he cannot help the way he shrinks back slightly when the tension in the room triples after the word is spoken.
And AemondâAemond, who has walked you back to your chambers every night since the twins were born because he worried you would grow faint on the stairs, who spends entire afternoons searching the gardens for strange spiders because Helaena smiles whenever he finds one, who has sat beside Maegor's cradle reading aloud from histories he knows the babe cannot possibly understand because you were too exhausted to keep your eyes openâsmirks as it is said.
He does not know better, you tell yourself, swallowing thickly. He has consumed his mother's poison like milk. He is only reiterating the filth she spews.
You know that your half-siblings dislike Rhaenyra and her sons. You know that Alicent has spent years cultivating that resentment, just as Otto Hightower has spent years whispering in your father's ear. But this is not childish spiteâto openly accuse the crown princess's son of bastardy is to accuse her of treason, it is to declare that the heirs to the Iron Throne are no heirs at all.
To speak such a thing before the kingâyou know your father has spent years turning a blind eye to what the rest of the court knew as truth, but if push came to shove and he was forced to choose between throwing the Realm into chaos by upholding the lie or condemning his grandchildren, you do not know what he would choose.
And if he should choose to protect the realm, Rhaenyra, Jacaerys, Lucerys, and Joffrey could all lose far more than just their namesâthey could lose their heads.
"My sons are in line to inherit the Iron Throne, your grace," your sister says, stepping forward in the direction of your father. "This is the highest of treason. Prince Aemond must be sharply questioned so we might learn where he heard such slanders."
Your eyes widen, gaze flicking over to Aemond, who instantly shrinks at the order, looking wildly between his mother, his father, and Rhaenyra. You feel sick to your stomach, fingers tightening on Daemon's arm.
Alicent scoffs, staring at Rhaenyra in disbelief. "Over an insult?" Alicent breathes out. "My son has lost an eye."
The king turns on Aemond and says, "You tell me, boy, where did you hear this lie?"
You feel light in the head again, all of a sudden. It is always worst before dawn, and worse still when you are under stress. Your hand instinctively finds your chest, eyes sliding shutânot here, not now.
Not while Aemond is shrinking in his seat as his father's demands. Not while Jacaerys stands trembling beside his mother with blood dripping down the side of his face. Not while Lucerys cannot breathe properly with a broken nose and tears in his eyes. Not while Rhaenyra stands alone before the king and queen, forced to defend her sons against accusations that could have them all hanged.
You force yourself to breathe slowly, but the room sways. Daemon's gaze cuts back down toward you, hand settling more firmly beneath your elbow.
"Easy," he mutters. "Not now."
As though you do not already know that, you think viciously and shoot him a look in kind that only serves to amuse him. If you could control when your body was weak, you would never be weak at all.
Your eyes turn back to Jacaerysâhe is almost as tall as Rhaenyra's shoulders now, but he still looks so small. Only hours ago, he had buried his face into your lap, crying because he thought he had lost you, and now he stands before his grandsire, the king, trying to hold himself strong because he knows what is at stake. Lucerys does not understand the way Jacaerys does, but he knocks his shoulder against Jacaerys's anyway.
"âAegon!" Viserys shouts, and your gaze lifts again to your half-brother, your husband, the father of your children, as he flinches under your father's demands. "Tell me the truth of it!"
Aegon does not reply right away, staring ahead blankly as though he is not sure what to say. His gaze lifts, meeting yours briefly, and you shake your head slightly, warning him. Do not do it. Do not say what I know you are about to say.
Aegon swallows and looks away, and then he says exactly what you fear: "We know, father. Everyone knows. Just look at them."
Your heart sinks, eyes sliding shut. You hear Daemon let out a breath through his nose just as you let out a trembling one through your mouth. Ten years you have dreaded the day that these words were given voice and life, and it is Aegon who has condemned them.
Your father shouts, but it is terribly muffledâgarbled words spoken beneath water. Your pulse pounds, deafening in your ear, and your head aches. The air that reaches your lungs is shallow, not nearly enough to give you what you need to breathe. Your hand creeps up to your chest againânot now, not now, not now.
"âbut I cannot restore his eye."
"No, because it has been taken," Alicent says desperately, taking a step toward your father.
"What would you have me do?"
"There is a debt to be paid," she insists, and you find yourself stiffening before you even truly understand what she is saying. Beside you, Daemon straightens, hand dropping to the sword at his side. "I shall have one of her son's eyes in return."
"Is she mad?" you breathe out as the hall erupts into murmurs. You see Rhaenyra push Lucerys behind her, and Jacaerys presses into her shoulder, looking between her and the king and queen uncertainly. "Do something, kepa."
Uncle.
"Not yet," Daemon murmurs, watching the scene carefully, gaze much sharper now.
"Ser Criston," Alicent says, gaze lifting to the knight standing on the opposite side of the roomâfar too close to Rhaenyra and the boys. You brush Daemon's hand off your arm, alarm subsuming all weakness as you take half a step forward. "Bring me the eye of Lucerys Velaryon."
For a heartbeat, no one moves, because the words seem too monstrous to belong in the same room as children, and then Lucerys lets out a frightened noise in the back of her throat
"Mother," Lucerys cries, scrambling behind Rhaenyra so quickly he nearly trips over his own feet. His small hands fist desperately in the back of her gown as he peeks around her, face drained of all color. Fresh blood stains his doublet where it had run from his broken nose, and now his whole body is shaking.
Jacaerys's eyes are wide as he looks between his mother and Alicent, reaching out to grab Lucerys's hand despite the fear plain in his eyes, and Lord Corlys is there an instant later, pulling Lucerys further behind him, placing himself between the boys and Ser Criston.
"He can choose which eye to keep," Alicent continues, voice breaking with grief and fury alike, "a privilege he did not grant my son."
She cannot mean this, you think desperately. She cannot.
"You will do no such thing," Rhaenyra hisses, voice cold, one hand instinctively reaching for Lucerys until she realizes Corlys has him safely tucked behind him while the other shields Jacaerys.
"Stay your hand," Viserys orders.
"No! You are sworn to me," Alicent says desperately.
For one terrible moment, you cannot tell whether the man standing across the hall is weighing the Queen's command or the King's.
"He is sworn to the blood of the dragon," you say, finally making your presence known, grateful that your voice is louder and stronger than you thought yourself capable of in this state. You step closer to the center of the room, halfway between your sister and the queen. "To protect and serve. To obey the King before all others. It is curious, however, how readily you expect him to forget his oath in favor of your⊠whims. It does make one wonder whether there is some precedent in place that leads you to believe that a sworn brother of the Kingsguard would draw his blade on a prince of the blood in the presence of his king at your behest. Does Ser Criston often set aside his vows whenever Your Grace asks it of him?"
The hall silences at the implication of your question, but you stand unrepentant, raising your chin and staring at Alicent, who lets out a disbelieving scoff as she looks over you. Daemon makes a noise in the back of his throatâa laugh, you thinkâas he peels off the wall to pace closer to Rhaenyra, positioning himself in line of Ser Criston.
"Muña!" Jacaerys gasps, moving to take a step in your direction, but Rhaenyra stops him from leaving out from behind her.
"Take care with your tongue, daughter," Alicent says after a moment.
"Gladly," you reply evenly. "As soon as your grace takes care with her commands."
"Enough," your father snaps at you, looking thoroughly exhausted. You press your lips together and look away, trying desperately not to roll your eyes. "Do not make this worse than it already is."
How does he not see what is plain before his eyes? It is Alicent who poisoned the ears of your half-siblings. Alicent, who has caused this terrible divide. Alicent, Alicent, Alicent. But your father proves blind to her true nature every day that passes.
There is a long moment where you think that perhaps that will be the end of it. You have made your bold commentary, and maybe it is enough to pull the attention off of the boys for the time beingâyou will suffer for it, surely, when you return to King's Landing alone, because your place is with Aegon now, whether you like it or not, but you would suffer endlessly if it spared Rhaenyra's boys even a little more time.
Then, Alicent says, "Then I will do it myself."
Your eyes widen, turning too slow as Alicent darts forward, pulling the Valyrian steel dagger from Viserys's hip sheath and lunging in the direction of Rhaenyra and Lucerys. Lucerys's scream tears through the hall. Everything happens at once.
Before you even register what's happening, Rhaenyra darts forward to meet Alicent, eyes wide, moving on sheer instinct to protect her sons. Lord Corlys draws Lucerys back behind him and Princess Rhaenys with Daemon's girls, but Jacaerys tries to run after his mother, shouting for her as he reaches for her arm.
You grab him by the bicep hard, yanking him out of the line of danger and behind you, panic flaring hot and fast in your chest when you see Ser Criston running down from the steps. You force Jacaerys to stay behind you as you put yourself between him and Ser Criston, ignoring the way Jacaerys tries to break free to get to his mother, but Daemon steps forward before the kingsguard can involve himself in the conflict, a smirk on his face as he press his hand to Ser Criston's chest plate and shoves him backward, daring him to draw his sword and give him a reason to draw his own.
Jacaerys clings to your cloak now, adrenaline fading to fear, as he stares at his mother and Alicent, then looks up at you. Blood streams down his face, crusted over his temple and jaw, eyes wide with unshed tears. You lift your hand to wipe the blood from his skin, and he instinctively presses his face into the palm of your hand. You catch the tears that threaten to fall with your thumb before they can, turning his face away so he cannot see as the blade cuts through Rhaenyra's arm.
Jacaerys jerks in your hold as Rhaenyra gasps in pain, and the nobles around scramble away. He tries to move toward her again, but your grip on him tightens.
"Stay," you order, and he immediately stills, eyes wide and throat bobbing as he stares at you helplessly.
You want to tell him that everything will be okay, but there is a terrible look on Rhaenyra's face that you have never seen before as she stares at Alicent, holding her wounded arm, and you have a distinct feeling that things have only just begun.
ââââââââââââ
"You should have woken me immediately," you tell Jacaerys firmly as you clean the blood from his face. He shrinks at your words. "I mean it, Jacaerys. I'm furious. How could you go out there on your own with your little brother and cousins? What were you thinking?"
"You were so tired, muña," Jacaerys whispers. "I didn't want to wake you. I wanted to take care of it soâ"
"And look how that turned out," you say harshly, pinching his cheeks between your hands until he squirms and pouts. "You cannot be so reckless, do you understand? We are lucky that all that happened wasâ" You cut yourself off from saying what you were about to say, inhaling deeply. "You could have been killed. You, Lucerys, Baela, and Rhaena. You cannot be so reckless. Say you understand."
Jacaerys's throat bobs as his gaze drops down to your lap. He says quietly "I understand."
You let out a huff, hardly satisfied, but you busy yourself with wetting the warm rag and patting it lightly to his temple instead, grimacing at the blood still dripping from the shallow head wound.
"He's right, isn't he?" Jacaerys says after a few moments, shoulders hunched. "I'm a bastard. I'm Harwin Strong's son, not Laenor's."
You sigh, eyes sliding shut. Your head aches too much to have this conversation with him. The exhaustion of lack of sleep and the excitement in the Hall of Nine weigh your body down terribly. You say tiredly, "Jacaerysâ"
"I know it is true," Jacaerys interrupts, voice small. "It is obvious, like Aegon said. I have known for a while, I think. Since we left King's Landing. Luke didn't know yet. I tried to keep it from him."
You do not answer for a long while, busying yourself with gently wiping away the blood crusted at his temple, because you do not know how to respond. Your heart hurts at the idea of Jacaerys knowing all along but trying to shield Lucerys from the truthâhaving no one to talk to about any of this because even just referencing it in passing could condemn his little brothers to a terrible fate. He has always tried to take more on his shoulders than he should, no matter how often you and Rhaenyra reminded him he was only just a child. His fingers are trembling in his lap, so you reach out with your free hand to hold his carefully; he immediately latches onto you, nails digging into your skin.
You finally tell him, "It does not matter."
Jacaerys whips toward you, brows pinched and lips pressed together. "How can you say that?" he demands. "You know that isn't true."
"What matters, Jacaerys, is that you are your mother's son. My nephew. You are fire and blood, and one day, the Iron Throne will be yours," you say, grabbing his chin to force him to look at you. "The Realm will whisper that Aegon deserves the throne more than you because his hair is silver and his eyes are purple, and you will prove them wrong just by being as you are."
"But what if being myself is not enough?" he asks quietly. "They will keep whispering, even after I am grown and am king. Even if I've done good. What if one dayâ"
He does not dare voice the question you know he wants to ask. What if one day steel is drawn? What if one day dragons fly against dragons? What if, what if, what if?
"Then, we will show them what we are," you tell him simply, stroking his jaw with your thumb. "They will learn swiftly that every man who rises against a dragon is burned by one."
"We cannot burn everyone who speaks out against us," Jacaerys says quietly, looking away, shoulders hunched slightly.
"Spoken like a true king," you tease lightly, and then lean in to brush your lips against his forehead. "You cannot, mandianna. A king must know mercy before he knows wrath. He must seek peace before war." A faint smile tugs at your lips. "That is why the gods, in all their wisdom, gave you me."
Jacaerys cannot help the giggle that spills from his lips as he rests his head against your shoulder. Your eyes slide shut as you lift a hand to cradle the side of his face, absently running your fingers through the ends of his hair.
You must get stronger again. The girl who once spent every waking hour in the training yard until her palms bled and fought her father, the king, because she sought to wield a sword like Visenya herself, the one who could remain astride ZĆ«gaxes from dawn to dusk and dreamed of once taking Dark Sister from Daemon's hand, still lives somewhere beneath the exhaustion and aching in your bones. You know it. You felt her today in that hall, after two years of uncertainty.
There is no room for weakness anymoreânot when steel has been drawn and you could not draw your own, not when Jacaerys looks to you with frightened eyes and Lucerys screams after being openly threatened and you can do nothing to ease their fear, not when your sister's blood has been shed on the pale floors of Hide Tide and you could not spill blood in kind.
"I will see anyone who should seek to raise hand or blade against you answer for it with their lives," you tell him quietly, pressing your lips to the crown of his head absently as you stare at where the twins lie in their cradles, ignorant of the conflict brewing around them. What would become of them, you wonder, if mother and father stood on opposite sides of a war? "Anyone who threatens my family, my queen, or my future king will learn exactly why our words are fire and blood."
ââââââââââââ
JACAERYS, 18; READER, 23; 128 AC
When Jace was six years old, his mother knelt before him and told him that his muña is very lonely and sad far more often than she allowed anyone to see, even though she has become exceptionally good at pretending otherwise. She told Jace it takes a very skilled eye to see when you are pretending, and Jace insisted that he knows you well enough to tell. His mother had kissed the top of his head with a fond smile and asked Jace to keep you company and try to make you smile in her place, when she could not be there herself.
He had not fully understood what she meant back then. Now he does, he thinks, looking back on all of the times he had caught you staring out windows with dull expressions before you noticed him looking and forced a smile. But he knew that you needed him and his mother had entrusted him with the important task of making you smile when you are sad, and that was more than enough.
Jace had taken that responsibility very, very seriously. From that day forward, every frown became an enemy for him to vanquish and every tear a personal failure. If he caught you looking particularly solemn, he would crawl into your lap or tug insistently at your skirts until you paid attention to him, armed with some ridiculous story or childish joke he had spent all morning preparing solely because he knew it would make you laugh.
Then, two years later, his family left for Dragonstone, and you remained behind in King's Landing, and he was tortured with the knowledge that he had left you alone, surrounded by people who did not know how to make you smile the way he didâwho might not even notice when you were sad in the first place.
Now, after a decade away, he has returned, and you are nowhere to be found.
Jace stands toward the back of the throne room, jaw tight, hands locked behind his back as Vaemond Velaryon makes his petition for Driftmark, contentâfor onceâto remain unnoticed.
It suits him better this way today. No one pays much mind to him while others argue over inheritance. They are too busy paying attention to Vaemond's accusation and his mother's reaction to realize the dark-haired, dark-eyed man lingering in the shadows is the heir to Dragonstone, firstborn son of the crown princess. So he is well able to overhear conversations that would shift into syrupy smiles and false pleasantries around his mother and Daemon.
Strong. Bastard. Plain. Lord Fossoway. Lady Ambrose. Ser Roxton.
It is about what Jace expected from a court full of Reachmen. More than half the throne room dons green, Faith heraldry has replaced the three-headed dragon wherever he looks. Jace's memories of the Red Keep are hazy, so in truth, he could not tell whether or not it is truly different from what it had been nigh a decade ago, but he does know for certain one thing is missingâyou.
Every memory he has of this place begins and ends with you, and it is jarring that you are nowhere to be seen. You reading to him in the gardens until he fell asleep against your shoulder. You carrying him back to his chambers after he had faked dozing off during his lessons, giggling with him as soon as the two of you were out of sight from Maester Geradys. You waiting at the edge of the yard whenever Ser Criston was leading training, because you knew Jace was uncomfortable around him and would step in if things took a wrong turn. You laughing as Jace tried and failed to get Vermax to listen to him, slinking your arms around him when he pouted and pretended to be angry just so you would give him more attention. He has been to every place he once stood with you, and has found you at none.
Without you, it feelsâit feels wrong. Unfamiliar. And it is all he can think about, even though he needs to be paying attention to what is being said around him. He tries to remind himself that what is said today could change everything. Vaemond is not just asking for Driftmarkâhe is asking the court to declare Lucerys no true Velaryon, and in doing so, to admit what half the realm has whispered since Jace was born with dark hair instead of silver.
And if Lucerys can be stripped of his inheritance because he is not Laenor's son, then Jace can be stripped of his for the same reason. Worse, if the court is willing to question the succession before his grandsire lives, Jace fears what they may do once the Iron Throne stands empty. And yetâ
His thoughts invariably return to you.
He thought you would be waiting for him.
He presses his tongue to the inside of his cheeks as he fights the terrible mixture of frustration and disappointment that has been threatening to consume him since he stepped onto the docks and you were nowhere to be found. Maybe he was being foolish. It has been eight years since he had last seen you at Driftmark for Laena's funeralâten since you were close enough for him to run to whenever you frowned.
Things had already changed in twoâjust in the time between Laena's funeral and when they had left for Dragonstone and you had stayed behind in King's Landing. Two years of unanswered ravens and sleepless nights had taught him that wanting someone did not mean they would come. More than once, his mother had let him cry into her skirts because he missed you so terribly his chest hurt. More than once, she had promised, soon, Jace, soon we will go to her.
But soon had become two years, and when Jace had finally seen you again at Driftmark, he had scarcely recognized you. Gone was the girl who had chased him through the Red Keep, laughing as he shrieked that she was cheating. Gone was the dragonrider who was more comfortable in the air than afoot and taught him the basics of swordplay so he would not embarrass himself in front of his father and Cole.
In her place was someone Jace could hardly stand to look at without being filled with rage. He thought, at the time, that he was angry at you. Angry at you for changing, angry at you for never answering his ravens, angry at you for abandoning him.
He knows better nowâhe had never been angry at you.
It had been he who promised to come back for you, he who promised to take care of you, to keep you safe, make you feel loved, devoted to you the same way you'd been to him for as long as he remembered. Instead, Aegon had married you. Aegon had stood beside you when you nearly died and left when you needed him most. Aegon had watched you become a shadow of the girl Jace had loved with every piece of his heart.
All Jace had done was arrive too little too late.
If so much had changed in two years, how much could have possibly changed in another eight? It has been a long time, he acknowledges. Long enough for people to become strangers. Long enough for memories to become distant. But he has never forgotten you, he thinks bitterly. How could you have forgotten him?
You couldn't have, he rationalizes. You exchanged ravens frequently enough that Maester Geradys grew irate every time Jace showed up with another to be sent. Several times a week, Jace had filled pages with every detail he could think to share, recounting the smallest happenings of his days simply because he wanted you to know them, because he wanted some part of himself always with you. And you had always written back with pages of your own, telling him of your days, your thoughts, the twins, all the little things that mattered only because they mattered to you. He had kept every one of them, read them until he knew whole passages by heartâsurely you could not have written to him so often, given him so much of yourself and taken so much of him in kind, only to forget him now.
You could not have forgotten him, you are justâlate. You are just late.
It does not quell the all-consuming disappointment. He has imagined his reunion with you so many times that he could recite what he wanted to say to you in his sleep. He had a whole plan that he envisioned, and it fell apart the moment he stepped off the ship and realized you were not there on the dock.
He imagined you would be waiting for him, smiling the moment you caught sight of him. He would cross the docks to you slowly, resisting every instinct that urged him to throw himself into your arms as he once had. Instead, he would take your hand in his and bow his head to press a kiss to your knuckles, watching for the moment you realized that the little boy you remembered had grown into a man in your absence.
He imagined that he would steal you away from everyone else after the feast celebrating their return to King's Landing, pressing his lips to your knuckles as his gaze spitefully met Aegon's. He would let you hold his arm, and he would guide you to the godswood, sitting with you as the sun set as you have countless times before, listening as you tell him about the twins and life over the past eight years. It would be different hearing it from your lips, in your voice, than it is reading it on parchment. He would let you rest your head in his lap, and he would absentmindedly comb his fingers through your hair the way you always had to him.
He imagined that he would stay there with you as the moon rose overhead, until the conversation dwindled into a comfortable silence. Then he would turn his head just enough to look at you, really look at you, and he would wonder if maybe you would look at him for him. Not as the little prince forever following at your heels, or the boy who climbed into your bed after every nightmareâbut as a man.
One whose shoulder you could rest against without fear of being disappointed, one capable of taking care of you, one who could take your hand before the godsâone worthy of sharing your heart and your bed.
It is shameful, perhaps, to imagine such things with you, but he cannot help himself.
He imagined that he would be nervous as he reached up for your face the first time, brushing a loose strand of hair behind your ear, thumb lingering against your cheek longer than it ought to, and then he imagined closing the distance between you, slowly enough that you could stop him if you wished. He never imagined you would.
He fights a heavy exhale through his nose as he shakes his head, eyes sliding shut. He would tell you that he has become a prince worthy of standing beside you. That he's no longer the frightened little boy who cried himself to sleep because you weren't near. That if you let him, he could finally be the husband he had promised you he could be.
The doors to the throne room reopen, and Jace has to force himself to be present. He can think of you later. He can wonder why you never came to the docks later. He can mourn the reunion that never was later. He can try to figure out a new plan later. He can tell you everything he has carried in his heart for the better part of a decade later.
If there is a later. Because Vaemond's words are not aimed at Luke alone, he reminds himself. They are aimed at his motherâat him. If Vaemond succeeds today and Luke loses Driftmarkâif the court accepts the implication buried within his petitionâthen Jace's own birthright will be at risk. They will come for the Iron Throne, for him, next.
You had told him once that you would see anyone who sought to raise hand or blade to him pay for it with their livesâdo you still mean it? Or have eight years of separation pushed you into the arms of Alicent Hightower and your half-siblings?
He cannot think of this now, skin crawling as soon as the question crosses his mind. He forces his mind away and lifts his gaze to see who had arrived. He expects another courtier draped in green, another enemy who will revel in his family's fall, but insteadâ
âinstead it is you.
The throne room, the nobles, the whole petitionâeverything falls away. Jace forgets how to breathe momentarily as his gaze sweeps over you.
He remembers his mother weeping a few nights after Lady Laena's funeral, clinging to Laenor as she whispered that your hips had been too narrow, too slight, that you had still looked more child than woman when they forced you into a marriage bed to bear twins. But looking at you now, it is almost impossible to reconcile the woman before him with the frail girl who was leaning upon Aemond's arm eight years ago. Your figure has filled out where it once seemed painfully thin, your face has regained its color, and though there remains a weariness about your eyes, you no longer look so dull.
Somehow, impossibly, you are even more beautiful than he remembered. He has spent years trying to preserve your face in his mind, sketching you absently in his free time, terrified that time would blur it beyond recognition.
It had not done you justice.
Eight years have changed you. You are older now, certainlyâthe softness of girlhood has long surrendered to womanhood, just as the boyhood has left him. You are taller than he remembers, or perhaps he is simply no longer looking up at you from the height of a child. The gauntness left by illness has filled out with time, gown clinging to your body in all the right places as you sweep forward through the throne room, confident even as all eyes in the room turn to you.
You look⊠like a woman. Like the wife of another man.
Jace hates the thought viciously as soon as it crosses his mind.
You do not look his way, much as he tries to compel you to look at him without calling for you like a fool before the entire court. Your attention is fixed upon the throneâupon Otto Hightower seated where your father ought be and Vaemond Velaryon standing so boldly before the court as though the matter had already been decidedâbut Jace cannot drag his eyes from you. He watches as you make your way toward the front of the throne room at an even pace, the sea of green parting instinctively before black and red.
He does not remember deciding to move. One moment, he is standing among the gathered lords, hidden in the shadow of a marble pillar, content to remain unnoticed, and the next, he is following in your wake, eyes pinned on the back of your head.
He weaves through the crowd of gathered lords and ladies as you make your way down the center of the throne room, a few paces behind, never losing sight of you. He slips between Lord Caswell and Lady Fell, circles around a knot of Hightower retainers without so much as glancing at him. His feet seem to know where to go before his mind does.
He has spent half his life following youâthrough the winding halls of the Red Keep, trying to keep pace with your longer stride as you laughed over your shoulder, through the gardens, to the dragonpit, to the training yard, wherever your restless feet happened to lead, Jace was always a few steps behind. Eight years may have passed, but his body remembers the path before his mind even has a chance to question it.
For one horrifying second, it looks as though you're going to bear leftâin the direction of Queen Alicent, your half-siblings, your husbandâbut then you lean in close enough to Vaemond that your lips must brush his ear, mouth tilted up in a lazy smile.
Jace cannot hear what you say to him, heart pounding at the idea of you standing amidst the sea of green instead of alongside black and red where you belong, but Vaemond Velaryon stiffens so suddenly that Jace knows he must have disliked whatever it was. You seem to let out a soft laugh, head hanging forward slightly, before you cross in front of Vaemond to stand next to Rhaenyra, on the opposite side Daemon already stands.
Jace does not think he's seen his mother so relieved in ages, and he can't even blame her because he's just as relieved to see you stand at her side instead of amidst green. For the first time in weeks, it seems, the tension that has been endlessly weighing on her disappears the moment you stand at her side again.
Jace watches you take her hand into yours before lifting it to your lips. You bow your head slightly as you ghost your mouth against his mother's knuckles, and his mother gives you a soft, fond smileâone usually reserved for Jace himselfâas she turns her hand to cradle the side of your face briefly.
You tilt your face into her touch momentarily before you stand straight again, casting a look over your shoulder to where Alicent Hightower and your half-siblings are standing before you nod your head once, beckoning.
Jace's brows furrow slightly in confusion as he moves to stand beside Luke, two paces behind you, his mother, and Daemon, until he sees two children instantly dart across the throne roomâMaegor and Maegelle, Jace realizes instantly. Maegor busies himself at your side, tucked beneath your arm, while Maegelle positions herself behind you, both of them clutching you as Otto Hightower commences the petition by addressing Vaemond again.
Jace should be paying attention now, but his gaze remains fixed on your children. The last time he'd seen them, they'd hardly been a year old. You have described them in your letters countless times over, but it is different seeing them in person again. Maegor is tall for his age, nearly ten years old and already reaching your shoulder, while Maegelle hardly reaches your chest, nose tucked beneath your arm.
They cannot be more than nine or ten now, all silver hair and violet eyes to Jace's brown on brownâevery inch a Targaryen prince, no question about it. Maegor's hand is wrapped around yours, the other fisted tightly in the folds of your skirt as though it belongs there. The sight of it stirs an ugly feeling in his chest, one so irrational and shameful that it embarrasses him, because once, without thinking, he had reached for you the same way.
His jaw tightens before he can stop it. The feeling is petty, even for him. He is a grown man, his mother's heir, standing in the throne room as the fate of his family hangs in the balance, and the boy is your son. Yet all he can do is think the place at your side had once been his, and wonder when he had ceased belonging there.
A sharp elbow catches his side. Jace startles, finally tearing his eyes away to find Luke staring up at him with a look caught somewhere between confusion and outright disbelief, following his brother's line of sight before slowly turning back to him as if silently asking whether he has forgotten where they are and what is happening.
Jace flushes and looks away.
The rest of the petition is a blur. Vaguely, he remembers his grandsire entering the throne room, the argument escalating, the rage and dread he felt as bastard and whore rang through the hall, Daemon spilling blood before the whole court as soon as the words are spoken. He hears the collective gasp of the nobility and the sickening thud of Vaemond's body and severed head striking the floor, but his gaze finds you again and again, as though the rest of the room has dissolved into little more than noise around your silhouette, gaze incessantly dropping to where your hands rest on your children.
Protective. Shielding them. It is the same hand that once rested on the back of his neck whenever he was frightened, that pulled him behind you when Alicent drew steel on he and his family. The same absent touch that soothed nightmares and bruises before he had ever needed to learn how to hide them.
It belongs to someone else now, he thinks bitterly, and then feels ashamed for even letting such a thought cross his mind when it is your children on the receiving end of it.
Aegon's children, his mind traitorously reminds himâhis eyes, his hair, his blood. Jace wonders, before he can stop himself, what they might have looked like had fate been kinder. Would a son of yours and his have inherited your hair or his dark curls? Wouldâ
Luke elbows him again hard, and this time, Jace shoots him an irritated look, but Luke doesn't even acknowledge it, raising his eyebrows pointedly before flicking his eyes ahead. Jace follows his gaze, attention dragging ahead to where his grandsire descends from the Iron Throne, his mother and Daemon standing close beside him, speaking in hushed voices that Jace cannot make out over the murmurs still sweeping through the hall. And youâ
You are looking at him, finally.
Jace's eyes meet yours, and for one long moment, he is eighteen and ten all at onceâa prince standing in his grandsire's throne room and the little boy who used to search every corridor of the Red Keep until he found you.
He is not breathing, he realizes as he stares at you. His lungs are burning as he waits for you to say somethingâanything. He has imagined this moment a hundred, a thousand, a million times before. He has scripted what he would say to youâpracticed it in his room as soon as his mother told him they would be returning to King's Landing at lastâbut now that he is finally in front of you again, his throat is dry and his heart is beating so loudly that he is certain you must hear it.
Then, you smile, and Jace can suddenly breathe again.
"Jurnegon rÈł ao, mandianna," you breathe out softly, taking two steps in his direction, hands lifting to cradle his face between your palms, "emÄ mazverdagon sÄ«r olvie."
Look at you, nephew, you have grown so much.
Jace's breath leaves him, lashes fluttering shut. The warmth of your hands against his cheeks is achingly familiar, so familiar that his body responds before his mind has the chance to. He sinks into your touch, turning his face into your palm as though he had been starved for your touch. Your thumbs sweep slowly along his cheekbones, catching the dampness he hadn't realized was gathering on his lower lashes.
Then, you frown and say, "I hate it."
Jace stared at you for a moment, heart pounding, freezing between your handsâyou hate it?
Luke snorts loudly somewhere behind Jace, and you tilt your head and give his brother an easy smile as you say, "Do not laugh, you know what I mean, Lucerys."
Jace does not know, but you pull him closer, hands sliding from his cheeks to the back of his head so that you can tuck his face into the crook of your neck, and all offense disappears in an instant.
He melts into you with the same ease he did ten years agoâas though no time has passed at allâand a ragged breath escapes him. His forehead presses against the warm skin of your neck, hiding his face there the same way he always had whenever he was frightened or overwhelmed as a little boy.
He inhales greedily, familiar lavender filling his lungs for the first time since you parted all those years agoâhe had tried buying similar perfumes at the harbor market on Dragonstone, lingering over every vial the merchants swore carried notes of lavender, but none of them had ever healed the ache in his chest the way a single breath against your neck does now.
His arms find your waist, drawing you against him until there is scarcely any space between your bodies, and you thread your fingers through the curls at the nape of his neck and press your lips to his temple.
He should be embarrassed, he thinks. He spent the entire voyage convincing himself that he would return to King's Landing as a man for you. He imagined standing proudly before you, kissing your hand, speaking with the confidence expected of the heir to Dragonstone. He would show you that he was no longer the frightened little prince forever trailing at your heels.
Instead, the first thing he has done is hide his face in your neck. He ought to pull awayâloosen his grip on your waist, straighten his shoulders, meet your eyes and greet you with whatever slivers of dignity remained, but he cannot bring himself to when your fingers are carding so gently through his hair, lips lingering at his temple.
He wonders if you can feel the frantic beating of his heart through the layers of his tunic and your gownâif you notice how tightly he is holding you, how shamelessly he has folded himself into your embrace. But if you do and think less of him for it, you give no sign.
"You look well, niece," Daemon says as he approaches you, and irritation flares hot through Jace's chest at the interruption, jaw tightening when you pull away to look at Daemon. Your hand slides from the back of his head to his upper arm, and Jace feels electric beneath your touch, even as you turn to face your uncle. "Much better than you looked back on Driftmark, certainly."
Daemon takes your free hand to ghost a chaste kiss against your knuckles, gaze briefly landing on Jace. A curious expression crosses his face before he huffs out a laugh and takes a step backâJace frowns at him, but Daemon's lips curve up into a knowing smile before he looks back at you again.
"I have you to thank for that, I suppose, kepa," you say with a ease smile. Jace cannot smother the sheer giddiness he feels when he realizes you have no intention of dropping your hand from his arm. You have missed him, he realizes, throat bobbing, you have missed him perhaps as much as he has missed you. "It was proper motivation, I'd say, threatening to send assassins after me to ensure I⊠ah, how did you phrase it? That I stopped feeling sorry for myself and climbed out of bed?"
Jace is immediately torn from his lingering thoughts, blinking once, unsure he heard you properly. He gives Daemon a furious look, but Daemon only laughs, tilting his head back. "Did it work?"
"Wonderfully," you say dryly. "I found the prospect of being assassinated while abed was an excellent cure for lingering weakness."
"Then all is well," Daemon says dismissively. "No need to stare at me so murderously, Jacaerys."
Jace flushes immediately when you glance up at him, embarrassed that Daemon called him out so plainly, but you only give him a fond smile, and Jace's heart flutters dangerously in his chest.
You have missed him, he thinks again, more desperately this time, because all of the time he has spent away from you, he had half convinced himself that you'd simply learned to live without himâout of sight, out of mind.
Have you ached for him the same way he has for you these last eight years? Have you thought about him? When you sat in the godswood to read, would you find yourself waiting for him? When you dined amidst the sea of green during feasts, did your gaze wander the crowd in search of him? When you lay abed with your husband, did you ever close your eyes and imagine it was him instead? He needs to know.
Before the thoughts can consume him entirely, your hand drops from his bicep, and Jace feels terribly cold again.
You reach your hands out to Maegor and Maegelle, and Jace realizes that they've been standing next to Baela and Rhaena, big violet eyes flicking between you and Jace curiously. They immediately rush over to you, each diving into your side.
Maegor looks up at Jace with a sharp, accusing look that he takes immediate offense to. Why is he staring at Jace as though he is the one who has wandered uninvited into someone else's home? Jace was here first. Long before anyone else had called you mother or wife, he had called you muñaâhe had known you first, he had loved you first, he had been the little prince forever tucked at your side. It was widely known throughout the keep that if someone sought him, they only needed to find you.
Jace is not the interloper here, because you were his first.
The childish part of him is bristling furiously, and shame follows it almost immediately. The boy is not even ten, and he has done nothing besides love his mother, and Jace is angry about it. He should be glad that someone in this keep cares about you enough to be wary of the strangers surrounding you.
Maegor's hand tightens around yours all the same, chin lifting ever so slightly, as though he's challenging Jace to say something, violet eyes fixed upon Jace with open suspicion. The prince edges a step closer, his shoulder pressing into you with unmistakable intent: it is territorial.
Jace almost scoffs. The little wretch is trying to stake a claim on you. Stake a claim from him. You finally notice it too, lips twitching up into a smile.
"Maegor," you say gently, resting a hand atop his silver hair, fingers threading through the silky locks absently. "There is no need to glare."
"I wasn't glaring," the young prince mutters, glaring.
"You were."
"I was looking."
"You were looking rather fiercely."
"I was making sure he wasn't upsetting you."
Jace blinks, but before he has the chance to become even more offended by the presumption that his presence might upset you, you laugh, and Jace is breathless. His lips part as his gaze fixes on your bright smile, the way your hair falls slightly in your face as you lean down to press a brief kiss to the top of Maegor's head.
You are beautiful, he thinks for the millionth time in his lifeâseeing your smile, hearing your laugh, it has always made the difference between a ruined day and a perfect one. Jace has always thought you were the most beautiful woman in the worldâeven when you were both children, he had thought no lady at court could ever compare to you, forever offended whenever singers insisted another lady was the fairest woman in the realm. They simply have never seen you laugh, he would tell them, full of righteous anger.
His gaze lingers on your smile too longâyou look happy, he realizes, and it settles strangely in his chest.
For years, he had imagined your life here in King's Landing as⊠dark. Miserable. Lonely suppers eaten in silence, wandering the halls with no one to keep you companyâa marriage endured rather than cherished. He was plagued by thoughts of you in Dragonstone, and they had always been riddled with guilt, because he had left you here alone, surrounded by enemies andâ
âand it had comforted him, in some shameful way.
If you were unhappy, then perhaps you missed him as fiercely as he had missed you, perhaps you were waiting for him the same way he waited endlessly to return to you.
He had not imagined this. A daughter tucked beneath one arm and a son standing guard at your side as though protecting you were the most natural thing in the world. You love them, it is clear, and they love you the same.
Have you grown to love Aegon, too? Jace suddenly feels dizzy.
"Raqiarzy," you say fondly, smoothing an errant strand of silver hair away from Maegor's face before looking back up at Jace again. "This is Prince Jacaerys Velaryon. He is my nephewâyour cousin. He will be our king one day after his mother."
Your words settle restlessly inside him. He will be our king one day after his mother. He has heard those words his entire lifeâfrom maesters, and lords, and his mother, and you. But it feelsâit feels different now. He has fantasized standing beside you as your husband more times than he dares to admit, butâbut as your king?
His throat bobs, breath catching, heart racing, mind shifting as his gaze slides up to the throne not a dozen feet away, then drifting to you, thoughts spinning and spiraling, enough to make him dizzy.
"Do you remember the plushes you two were gifted for your fourth nameday?" you ask the twins suddenly, drawing Jace from his mind, pulse hammering in his ears, shame crashing over him in devastating force.
âand what in the Seven Hells is he thinking?
He can see Luke giving him an odd look from the corner of his eye, and Jace desperately tries to compose himself, dragging in one slow breath through his nose as though it might somehow banish the treacherous images from his mind. His face feels unbearably hot.
Maegelle lights up beside Maegor. "Stuffed HĆ«raxes and stuffed VÄzarrion?" she asks, leaning into your arm and looking up at you with adoring eyes.
"Mhm," you confirm, running your fingers absently through her hair. "Do you remember who sent them?"
The twins exchange a thoughtful look, and then Maegor's eyes grow round as he looks at Jace, no longer accusing. "It was you!"
Jace clears his throat, grateful for something else to occupy his thoughts. He says faintly, "I hope they survived. I wish I could have been there for the celebrations."
"How did you know what they look like?" Maegor demands, leaning forward now. "You even knew about the little white patch on VÄzarrion's wing!"
"I keep stuffed HĆ«raxes in my room every day." Maegelle nods, excited. "He protects it!"
"We wanted to keep real VÄzarrion and real HĆ«raxes in our rooms, but mother wouldn't allow us," Maegor frowns. Then he asks again, "How did you know what they looked like? You've never seen them before."
Jace's eyes instinctively drift to you, but you only smile.
"Your mother writes to me often," he admits. "She is very thorough, as I'm sure you know."
You squint at him. "What does that mean?" you ask, but Jace only grins and holds his hands up in faux-surrender. You tilt your head and say, "Jacaerys."
Maegelle giggles, and Maegor immediately nods, brows knit together as he frowns, nodding in agreement.
"She knows everything," he complains. "I can never get away with anything. I try to skip lessons, and she knows. I try to sneak snacks, and she knows. I hid a frog in Maester Orwyle's desk, and somehow she knew that too."
Jace's smile widens a bit as he huffs out a laugh. He says, "Once I tried to hide beneath your mother's bed so I wouldn't have to attend sword training. I thought I was clever because certainly the last place she would look was right beneath her nose. She found me within ten minutes."
You laugh at the memory, and Jace's heart skips a beat when you lean slightly into him, head resting on his shoulder as you look down at Maegor and Maegelle, both of whom suddenly seem thoroughly delighted.
"You skipped lessons too?" Maegor asks excited.
"Frequently," you answer before Jace can.
Jace's lips part in mock offense. "I hardly think frequently is fair."
"Jacaerys," you say dryly, head tilted to the side as you give him a lazy smile. "You once convinced Luke that you had been kidnapped by pirates because you wished to avoid histories. He had the entire keep in a frenzy."
Luke snorts loudly behind him, finally taking a step forward to greet you. He leans in to ghost his lips against your cheek before he says, "I forgot about that."
"I was seven," Jace mutters, ears burning.
"You were a little menace," you correct.
Maegelle hides her face in your gown as she laughs, and Maegor stares at Jace with newfound admiration.
"Mother always said you were clever," he says, scrutinizing Jace carefully. Jace flushes slightly at the idea of you telling your children about him. "She did not mention you were also troublesome. You will have to share some of your tricks with me."
"He was dreadful," you confirm, "and if he knows what's good for him, he will share nothing."
"I protest," Jace says immediately, looking down at you. "You, too, were troublesome, muña. Do not cast the blame all on me."
Maegor and Maegelle gasp as though they were just handed gold.
"You used to adore me when you were little," you sigh wistfully. "You never used to talk back like this."
"I still adore you," he murmurs quietly, far more sincere than the teasing he aimed for.
You tilt your head up to look at him, and Jace cannot breathe again, because you are so close, so close that if he only leaned in a smidge thenâLuke pinches his side hard, and Jace grimaces, shooting him an irritated look. Luke's expression is one of naked disbelief: what are you doing? it seems to say without a single word being spoken.
Heat crawls up Jace's neck, and he follows Luke's pointed glance across the Great Hall.
Aegon is watching him. Aemond, too.
The elder prince lounges against a pillar, but the amusement on his face is far too sharp to be entirely genuine. Beside him, Aemond stands with his hands behind his back, one violet eye fixed upon Jace with a type of scrutiny that makes him feel he's been caught doing something he ought not.
Jace's stomach drops, suddenly very aware that he is standing before half of the court and you, whether he likes it or not, are someone else's wife. It is one thing wanting you so desperately that it makes his heart acheâit is another entirely to put you in a position where your honor could be questioned.
He straightens immediately, subtly putting a bit of distance between the two of you. Your brows scrunch slightly, giving him a confused look, but luckily, Baela and Rhaena beckon you for a conversation, and you busy yourself with doting over them, pressing your lips to their hair as you fawn over how beautiful they've become.
He exhales, ears still burning as he chances another glance toward Aegon. The older prince tilts his head, the corner of his mouth curling upward ever so slightly. Jace's eye twitches in irritation. Then he looks down at Maegor as the boy grabs his hand, tugging insistently until Jace gives him his full attention.
"Will you tell us stories?" the boy asks hopefully. "About mother?"
Jace blinks, and his gaze flicks across the hall once more. Aegon is still watching. A curious, vindictive thought slips into Jace's mind, and a slow smile curls at the corners of his mouth. He intends to marry you one dayâthe thought comes as naturally as breathing, he has never doubted it once. One day, you will be his wife and his queen, and when that day comesâwell, that would make your children his too, wouldn't it?
He kneels before Maegor and smiles as he agrees, "As many as you want."
Aegon can keep his goblet and his smug little smile. Jace will take everything else.
ââââââââââââ
"What in the Seven Hells was that, Jace?"
Jace blinks as he looks at his brother, making his way across the outer edges of the training yard a few hours after the petition.
Soon, they will have to return to their mother's apartments to prepare for the supper the king wishes to host for his mother's family and Alicent's. Luke wanted to go down to the dragonpit and stay there until it was time, because he loathed to be around the vicious nobles of the court longer than he had to, but Jace thought it best that they show themselves a little longer. Prove to the court they are not afraid, that they are the rightful heirsâthat they are Rhaenyra's sons and they will cower in the face of green schemes.
"What was what?" Jace asks, tilting his head to the side to look at Luke over his shoulder.
Luke stops walking altogether, and Jace stops with him. Luke says dryly, "You cannot be serious."
Jace squints at him questioningly.
"What?" he asks again, gaze flitting across the training yard. He sees Cole in the distance, and he frowns, trying to look over the crowd to see who else might be thereâif you might be thereâbut he can't see over all of the heads. When Luke doesn't immediately reply, Jace glances at him again, raising his eyebrows, beckoning. "What was what?"
"Seriously,?" Luke hisses, grabbing his arm and forcing Jace to look at him. Jace frowns when he feels his brother's fingers digging into his upper arm, a pinched expression on his face. "You were practically climbing into her lap in front of the entire court."
Jace's face flushes, attention snapping fully to Luke once the mortifying accusation registers. "I was not."
"Yes, you were," Luke accuses. "In front of everyone."
"I was embracing my aunt," Jace denies, voice hushed as he pulls Luke to the side. "What are you talking about?"
"You were embracing her for an awfully long time," Luke whispers back, giving him an incredulous look. "What were you thinking? She's married, Jace. You do remember that, right?"
"Of course, I do," Jace snaps, bitter over the fact that his own brother is throwing it in his face. He does not need to be reminded that you are married. It has haunted him every day for the last eight years. "I was only acting as I always have. We have always been close. You know this."
Luke does not believe him. Jace can tell as much from the sidelong glance his younger brother gives him, but he does not care. He was acting as he always hasâit is the truth. You have always welcomed him into your arms, and he has always gone willingly. He has always buried his face in your shoulder when he needed comfort, touch lingering a little longer than propriety perhaps allowed. He has always called you muña, has always reached for your hand without thinking, has always smiled whenever you smiled.
None of that has changed, only his intentions. That, Jace decides stubbornly, is not something anyone could have possibly seen.
"You're lucky Aegon found the whole thing amusing instead of making a fuss over it," Luke finally says, and Jace's expression hardens, jaw tightening as he inhales and stares ahead, fighting a shake of his head. "He won't be laughing forever."
"Perhaps she won't be his forever," Jace snips before he can stop himself, raising his chin and looking away. Luke's eyes bulge as he casts a disbelieving look toward him. Jace raises his hands in faux surrender. "I'm only saying."
"Jace," Luke hisses, "have you lost all sense?"
Jace shakes his head, staring ahead as he says simply, "No."
"I'm going to tell mother," Luke threatens.
Jace gives him a sharp, irritated look.
"What is there to tell?" he scoffs. Then, more aggravated, "Why must you tattle like a child? You are ten and seven now, act like it."
He does not need his mother knowing that he's infatuated with youânot that she would have much room to speak, all things considered.
"Bold coming from someone on the verge of throwing a fit for not getting his way."
"Youâ" Luke barely dodges as Jace tries to shove him hard, and Jace inhales sharply to calm himself down, shaking his head as he grabs Luke's bicep to pull him close. He says quietly, "I have loved her for as long as I can remember. I simply grew old enough to understand what that means. How do you propose I sit back and watch her be mistreated by Alicent's pig sons? What would you have me do, Luke?"
Luke sighs and looks away, chweing the inside of his cheek. "We are already under scrutiny, Jace. Look at what just happenedâif grandsire hadn't shown, we would have beenâ" Luke cuts himself off, looking away. He does not need to finish the sentence for Jace to know what he was going to say: they would have been declared bastards before the whole court. "We need to tread carefully."
Jace knows this. He does. He knows he will be playing a dangerous game if he moves forward as he wishesâknows that it could backfire profusely, not just on him, but on you. Butâbut how is he not supposed to try?
"What do you even plan to do?" Luke continues, forcing Jace to look at him again. Jace rolls his eyes and turns away, but Luke steps in front of him again. "I'm serious. Do you plan to ask the High Septon to annul her marriage to Aegon? Approve of a divorce? They have two kids, Jaceâit will not be so easy. And do you even know if she feels the same? Or does she still see you as the little boy who followed her everywhere?"
"I am a man grown," Jace scoffs. "I am not a little boy anymore."
"The last she saw of you, you were."
Jace rolls his eyes again, jaw tightening as he shakes his head. His chest aches as Luke's words settle over himâdo you feel the same? Did you miss him? Ache for him how he ached for you? Or have you made a life for yourself that you are content with? His throat spasms as he swallows, uncertainty clawing at his chest.
"I liked you better when you couldn't speak," Jace snaps because he has nothing else to say. After a few moments pass, he says quietly, "I have to try. If she tells me that sheâ" He can hardly bring himself to push the words out. "âthat she loves Aegon, if she tells me that she is happy and wants nothing more than the life she has, then I will leave it alone."
Luke squints as he searches his brother's face, as though he does not believe him. Jace presses his lips together, throat bobbing as he swallows.
Jace has wanted you for so long that he scarcely remembers what life felt like before the wanting began. It has become instinctive as breathing, woven so tightly into the foundations of who he is that he cannot imagine untangling himself from it. He has imagined futures with at his side, as his wife, his queen; he has imagined children, and children of children, and a long reign in his name and yours.
But he wants your happiness more. Preferably with him, of course. He wants to be the one who makes you laugh until tears sting your eyes. He wants to be the man whose children cling to your skirts, whose bed you crawl into after long days, whose name you breathe in throes of pleasure. He wants to grow old at your side and spend the rest of his life thanking the gods that they had finally been merciful.
But if that happiness belongs elsewhereâif, somehow, you have found it with Aegon⊠Then what right does he have to tear it away?
"I would never ask her to give up a happy life for me," he says quietly, gaze shifting to the ground, "but I need to hear it from her."
"Get him Maegelle! Hah!"
Your daughter? What is your daughter doing in the training yard?
Jace's gaze cuts to the side when he hears Aegon's obnoxious voice coming from the crowd on the opposite side of the training yard. He tilts his head to the side, sharing a look with Luke before he makes his way over. He grabs Luke's arm to keep him close as he pushes closer to the front of the people gathered, curious to see what has drawn so many knights and squires away from their drills.
Then he sees you.
You stand at the edge of the sparring ring, arms crossed over your chest, lips curved down as you watch the twins spar in the center with wooden practice swords and surprising enthusiasm. Your brows are knit together with the same concentration you always had whenever you were watching him and Luke train years ago.
Jace almost finds himself smiling, until he realizes Aegon is standing behind you, one arm slung comfortably around your shoulders, letting you rest your weight on him, a fresh goblet of wine dangling from his hand. The gesture is so effortless that it makes Jace's stomach turn, as though he's stood with you there a thousand times before.
Worse, you do not pull away.
Jace's jaw tightens. He can feel Luke looking at him to his side, and it's a distinct effort not to let the discomfortâthe pain and uncertaintyâshow on his face. Could you be happy here? Without his mother? Without him? It has been eight years, he reminds himself. Eight years is a long timeâlong enough to build a life one can be content with, even when dealt a poor hand. Aemond, too, is on your opposite side, he realizes dully. He is leaning back against the wall, head tilted as he watches the twins spar with one another.
He says something to you that Jace cannot hear, and you snort and reply, giving Aemond an easy smile. He has to stop himself from physically shrinking from the sight of it.
He wonders, have you found in your half-siblings the home you once had in him, his mother, and Luke? When did Aegon's arm start resting there so casually? Do you seek him out at feasts the same way you once sought him? Do you instinctively drift toward his side after long days? Has that same hand, so casually resting upon your shoulder, held you through sleepless nights? Wiped away tears? Tucked loose strands of hair behind your ear? Every answer he imagines hurts.
He has always imagined Aegon to be a worthless cur undeserving of your hand, an absent husband who drowned himself in wine and whores while you tried to keep your family afloatâbut he is here, a random evening watching as the twins spar with one another, one arm around your shoulders as though it belongs there. Like a husband. Like a father.
He had been pained for years at the thought of you being neglected, butâbut it also brought him a semblance of comfort, because he would be able to swoop in and rescue you. He would show you love, he would take care of you, hold you, be with you.
Somehow, the idea of Aegon treating you properly feels infinitely worse, and he feels ashamed for it.
He watches a delighted expression cross your face at something Aegon says, and then you toss your head back and laugh. For the briefest instant, the prince grinsânot the careless smirk he wears before the court, but something softer, almost boyish, that makes Jace nauseous.
"Jace," Luke says quietly.
Jace only shakes his head slightly, forcing a smile on his face as he glances over at his younger brother. His lips part to speak, but the smile freezes on his face when someone speaks somewhere to his left.
"I hear she entertains both of the brothers," an unfamiliar voice murmurs. "The princess."
Jace stares ahead blankly, the words taking a heartbeat too long to register. The blood beneath his skin simmers faintly. What did he just say? Is he talking about you?
"Aye," another answers with a snort. Jace tilts his head to the side, gaze focusing on the red-haired squire standing in the small crowd of onlookersânot much older than Jace himself. "The elder first. The younger whenever her husband is too deep in his cups. Makes you wonder whether those twins favor their father after all. Runs in the family, I'd say."
How dare they?
"What did you just say?" Jace asks coldly, turning to face the small group of men.
The red-haired one has the audacity to look annoyed at the interruption, gaze flicking up to meet Jace, and for a moment, his vision tints redâthey wouldn't look at him like that if he looked like Aegon or Aemond. They would see his hair and eyes, and they would know who they were speaking toâinstead, they look at him and see him as an equal.
"I asked you a question, you mongrel. What did you just say?" Jace repeats, taking a step forward, head tilting slightly. He can hardly think straightâhe can hear his pulse pounding in his ears, drowning out everything else around him. "I dare you to repeat it."
For a second, it seems as though the squire is going to step forward, an indignant expression on his face, but before he could make a treacherous mistake, one of his thick-headed friends grabs his arm and bows deeply.
"My prince," he says quickly, stumbling over his words. The red-haired squire's face whitens, and the two behind him immediately follow suit, heads bowed so quickly they nearly collide with one another. "Forgive us. We meant no offense. Weâwe did not realize, trulyâ"
"I did not ask what you meant. I asked you what you said."
There's a long moment where all four of the squires remain silent, heads bowedâJace can see that their hands are shaking, and his lip curls up in disgust.
"We said nothing, my prince."
Jace exhales through his noseâa laugh or a scoff, he's not sure. How dare they? He is furious in a way he has not been in a long, long time, nails digging so deep into his palms that he might draw blood.
"You had no difficulty finding your tongue when you believed no prince was listening," Jace says coolly. "Find it again."
They stand trembling now, heads bowed, hoping that if they pretend the words had never left their mouths, they might escape the consequences of speaking them. His fists curl tight at his sidesâthey do not know you. They have no right to speak your name or stain it with their filth.
He takes another step forward when they do not speak. "No?" he questions, and then huffs out a laugh, shaking his head. "Then count yourselves fortunate that I do not take your heads for the insult. Get out of my sight."
Jace exhales shakily as the four squires stumble to their feet and rush away. His eyes slide shut as he wills himself to calm down, and just as he's about to turn to Luke, he feels a familiar hand brush against his lower back. He knows you are standing there before he even turns and opens his eyes.
"Is everything okay?" you ask quietly, and Jace lets out a wavering puff of air as he turns to look at you. Your brows are furrowed slightly in concern, eyes roving over him carefully as you try to figure out what's wrong. "Mandianna?"
Do you know what they say about you? Are these common whispers, the same as the topic of his birth had once been? Did they turn on you again once Jace and his brothers left? Is there any truth to them?
The more treacherous question makes his stomach turn. He does not want to know the answer to that. He has imagined you abed with Aegon too many times to count over the past few years, each time agonizing in a way he could never quite explain, a private form of torture he inflicted upon himself whenever his thoughts grew particularly cruel. He would picture Aegon's hands where he wanted his own to be, mouth wandering your skin, arms wrapped around you beneath the sheets, body pressed into you in way Jace has only ever been able to dream about. Your face buried into his neck, breath pitching every time his body moved against yours, fingers tangled in silver hair instead of dark curls.
Each imagination had been enough to leave him sick with jealousy. He does not need another uncle added to them.
"Everything is fine," he lies.
You know instantly he is not telling the truthâyou have always been able to catch him in a lie before he's even spoken a wordâbut he presses on anyway. His hand drops to yours, fingers tingling as he lifts it enough so that he can bend his head down and ghost his lips against your knuckles. He wonders if he imagines the way your breath hitches.
"Luke and I should go," he tells you. "We need to prepare for supper."
Your lips part slightly, and Jace thinks you are going to press himâto give him that look you always did when he was a boy, the one that pulled every secret from him without you having to ask twice. Instead, your gaze drops to where his fingers remain curled around yours.
"Of course," you say softly.
Jace realizes he is still holding your hand. He should let go, he thinks distantly, but instead, his thumb glides along your knuckles once, lingering, before he finally forces his fingers to loosen. The loss of your warmth leaves his palm strangely cold.
"We'll see you there?" Luke asks from beside him.
You wink at him. "Of course."
You glance at Jace again, an unreadable expression on your face, Jace's lips part to question you, but then your hand comes up, fingers briefly smoothing one of his dark curls away from his forehead. Jace's breath hitches, smile freezing.
"Go," you tell him fondly. "Before your mother sends someone looking for you and blames me for your absence.
He swallows thickly and then inclines his head obediently, "Yes, muña."
Jace turns away before he can do something foolish. Luke has the decency to wait until they have crossed half the yard before speaking.
"You are hopeless."
"Shut up."
ââââââââââââ
Jace has spent the better part of the last fifteen minutes pretending not to watch the doors, nodding along absently to whatever Baela is saying beside him while his attention strays toward the entrance every few breaths.
You are late.
Not late enough to warrant the growing impatience twisting inside his chest, but late nonetheless, and every moment that passes where you remain out of reach only serves to further agitate the restlessness that has plagued him since the moment he saw you again.
"Can you please stop tapping your foot?" Baela finally asks, letting out an exasperated puff of air as she glances at Jace.
He immediately gives frowns at her, confused, and then she looks down pointedly at Jace's left leg, rapidly bouncing against the floor. He stills it immediately, face flushing slightly.
"I have yet to eat today," Jace lies, because he does not want to admit that he's antsy waiting for your arrival. "I'm merely hungry."
Baela rolls her eyes as she takes a sip from her goblet, and Jace gives her an indignant look, because what is what supposed to mean?
"I'm sure," she agrees dryly, "because it is food you are waiting for to come through that door."
Jace blinks once, lips parting in offense, but he does not get the chance to question her before Luke snorts and agrees, "It is not food he is hungry for."
Jace gapes, face hot as he stares at Luke in sheer disbelief, but Baela and Rhaena burst into laughter as though they know exactly what Luke is talking about, and Jace feels the distinct urge to sink into his seat. Did he tell them? Did they already know? How obvious was he being about it?
He spares a glance over to the opposite side of the table where the Queen and the Hand sit with Aemond and Helaena. Alicent is looking directly at themâso is Ottoâand neither appears particularly amused.
Jace's stomach drops. The Queen's brows are drawn together in suspicion, gaze moving slowly between Jace and the rest as though attempting to decipher what could possibly have been said that inspired such an outburst. Beside her, Otto raises his chin slightly, eyes narrowed in that calculating way Jace remembers all too well from Driftmark as he watched the accusations of Jace, Luke, and Joffrey's legitimacy finally be given life.
They could not have heard, surely. Luke had spoken quietly, and the distance between them was too great for his voice to carry over the conversation filling the room.
Still, Jace sits up straighter. "Stop laughing," he hisses through clenched teeth, but it only serves to make the three of them laugh harder. Jace exhales hard, shaking his head before he straightens in his seat and looks away, doing his best to ignore them.
He's about to drive his foot into Luke's shin when the doors finally open again, and Jace's heart thuds painfully in his chest as his gaze cuts toward them just as you enter the room. There is an unsettlingly dull expression on your face when you walk in, and Jace's brows furrow slightly in confusion until you seem to shake your head and the expression off of your face right with it.
Your lips curl up into a smile that is distinctly bland compared to the ones he's used to as his mother and Daemon rise to their feet to greet you.
Aegon is with you, Jace realizes bitterlyâit does not hurt as much as it did to see you in the training yard with him. He expected him to walk in with you when he saw that Helaena and Aemond had already arrived with their mother and grandfather, but he still does not like it. Maegor and Maegelle trail closely behind the two of you, dressed in fine reds for supper, and the sight of them manages to soften some of the irritation tightening Jace's jaw, because Maegor immediately brightens at the sight of him, waving his hand in a quick greeting.
You exchange a few quiet words with his mother before ghosting your lips to her cheeks, and Jace finds himself watching your face closely, trying to catch another glimpse of that strange expression you had worn upon entering the room. What was that? Are you unhappy? Are you only pretending to be content? Jace cannot tell, and it is gone now, carefully tucked away beneath smiles and pleasantries.
Then your eyes find his, and the smile changes, warming and softening in that familiar way that makes his heart flutter. Jace is on his feet before he realizes that he has moved, taking one of your hands in his.
"Muña," he greets softly, pressing a kiss against your cheek, lingering perhaps a heartbeat longer than necessary before forcing himself to straighten. "Ao jurnegon gevie."
You look beautiful.
He is wistful as he looks over you, a tight feeling in his chest as he looks over the deep red gown you wear. The velvet fabric hugs your figure, spilling elegantly against the floor, and Jace cannot decide whether it is the gown that makes you radiant, or you simply are yourselfâfor he is fairly certain he would have found you the most beautiful woman in the room even had you arrived dressed in plain linen instead.
You smile at him lightly, a pleased expression on your face as your gaze roves over him once. Jace is giddy from itâhe has always preened beneath your praise, seeking out that particular look of pride in your eyes. Even now, perhaps especially now, some part of him still desperately wants to impress you, to do somethingâanythingâthat might make you look at him as though he is everything you hoped he would become.
"EmÄ issare gĆ«rÄñare aĆha Valyrio," you murmur. Jace loves the way High Valyrian sounds rolling off your tongueâit is musical and natural in a way he has never been able to make it sound on his, much as he tried. "Iksan biare."
You have been practicing your High Valyrian. I am glad.
"Hen rhinka," he replies easily. Of course.
He is still holding your hand, he realizes, pressing his luck and letting his fingers ghost up along the inside of your wrist just to feel the way your pulse flutters beneath his touch. Do you want him the way he wants you? Jace cannot tell, but the slight quickening beneath his fingertips sends a dangerous flicker of hope through him nonetheless.
"Mother!"
You both startle. Jace's hand falls away from yours as Maegor suddenly appears at your side, entirely oblivious to the moment he has interrupted. He does not have to look at Luke to see the disbelief plain on his face, and he does not dare glance over at Aegon or Aemondâor worse, the Queen or the Handâto see their reactions to what just transpired.
It is fine, he tells himself. He was only greeting you.
The boy reaches for the back of your chair with both hands and pulls it out with such enthusiasm that the wooden legs scrape loudly against the stone floor. Once he's pulled out the chair, he stands beside it tall, gesturing proudly toward the seat.
"For you, mother."
Your lips curve up into fond smile. "How gallant of you, byka dÄrilaros. You are such a gentlemanâyour father could learn from your lead."
Maegor positively beams, and you reach down to smooth a hand over his silver hair before leaning forward to press a kiss to the crown of his head. The boy bounces on the balls of his feet beneath your affection, eyes wide and adoring as he looks up at you, and your lips curve up as you stroke his hair gently before nodding in the direction of the two empty chairs near Luke.
"Go on. You and your sister are sitting beside your cousin tonight. Be sure to torment him properly."
Luke gives you an alarmed look, but you only wink at him in response. Maegor grabs Maegelle's hand and drags her over to the empty seats, already reaching for Luke's arm and babbling about a story you read him last night. Jace snorts and looks over at you, breath catching slightly at the soft expression on your face as your gaze lingers on the two of them for a moment longer.
You finally begin to sit, and Jace moves without thinking, giving the servant waiting to push your chair in a sharp look to back off. His hand catches the back of your chair, gently pushing it forward beneath you so that you can sit properly at the table.
You turn your head to the side to look up at him, smiling lightly. "Thank you, mandianna."
"Of course," he murmurs, pleased with himselfâuntil he feels someone staring at him, that is.
His gaze lifts to your opposite side, where Aegon has taken his seat. He is watching Jace with narrowed eyesâthe amusement from earlier in the day long gone. For a long moment, neither prince looks away. Jace's hand remains on the back of your chair, and Aegon's gaze drops pointedly toward it, then back up at Jace.
Jace understands the message perfectly, but he tightens his fingers around the carved wood instead, stubborn, until Aegon tilts his head and straightens in his chair, irritated. Then Jace gives him a pleasant smile and releases your chair, moving to take his own seat beside you.
Maybe Luke was rightâthis is a dangerous game. But as he settles into the chair at your side, close enough that the sleeve of his tunic brushes lightly against your gown, he finds that he cannot bring himself to regret it in the slightest.
"I am a gentleman," Aegon finally complains, leaning his elbow on the table, head resting in his hand as he gives you a lazy smile.
"You are neither gentle nor man, valonqar," you drawl, leaning back in your seat to look at him. "I could not think of a word less fitting if I tried, and my vocabulary is vast."
Jace cannot even bring himself to feel pleased by your insult, because there is a casualness in the way you tease him that tells him this is familiar. The type of insult born from years in one another's company, where neither party has to wonder whether the other will take offense.
Aegon only grins. "How cruelly my own wife wounds me," he sighs. Then his smile sharpens, eyes meeting Jace's instead of yoursâJace is so focused on whatever Aegon is about to say that he almost forgets to stand as the kingsguard carries his grandsire through the door to sit at the center of the table. Aegon continues quietly, "Though you know better than most that I am very much a man, and as I recall, you rather prefer me when I am anything but gentle."
"Aegon the Crude," you roll your eyes and mutter.
Aegon winks at you and says in response, "Aegon the Generous. At least, that is what I have been told."
Jace flushes immediately, gaze averting to the side, trying to focus as Alicent leads a prayer and his grandsire begins a toasts to his brother and Rhaena's betrothal and failing miserably.
He hates the image that Aegon's words conjure almost as much as he hates the man for deliberately putting it there. You beneath him, back arched as Aegon's hands roam where Jace aches to place his own, his mouth tracing the bare skin of your throat while his body presses yours into the mattress, you panting his name as he stretches you open, silver instead of brown, pale, unblemished skin instead of sun-kissed freckled.
His stomach twists. The jealousy is vicious, burning through his veins with enough force to make him want to reach across the table and wipe that smug expression from Aegon's face. Under the jealousy is something far worseâhotter, more shameful, awakened by the very image he wants desperately to banish from mind. Because the thought of Aegon with you is unbearable, but the thought of youâ
That is the problem. He cannot picture you in such a state without imagining himself taking Aegon's place. His hands, his mouth, his body, his name, his hair. Is that how you like it? he cannot help but wonder, tongue darting out to wet his lips.
Whenever Jace has imagined being with youâfar more often than he would ever confess, one hand wrapped around his cock, head tilted back against his bed frameâit had always been different. Slow and tender, he would take his time with you, kissing you as though he has eight lost years to make up for, touching you with a reverence bordering on worship. He has imagined your arms wrapped around him and your forehead pressed to his, breathy words exchanged in the darkness as the two of you lost yourselves in one another.
But maybe that is not what you want. Maybe you prefer something less tender.
He swallows thickly, warmth creeping higher beneath his collar as the question takes root. What would you want from him, then, if tenderness alone would not satisfy you? His imagination betrays him at once: his chest pressed firmly against your back, his mouth at your ear, one hand sliding up to curl around your throat as he holds you close to him. He imagines turning your face toward his, mouth finding yours messily, panting, gasping, soft moans and ragged cries of his name.
Would you like him that way? Is that what you would want from him? He has never pictured it happening like that, but he could do it, he thinksâhe could do anything you want, be anything you want.
Jace shifts in his seat, exhaling hard through his nose as he tries to focus on what his grandsire is sayingâhe should be ashamed, having thoughts like this at supper while you are sat at his side, oblivious. What is wrong with him?
Once he is certain that his mind is clear of the disgraceful images circulating through his head, he dares to spare a glance back at you. You are leaning back in your seat, head tilted back slightly so you can look up at the ceiling, looking as though you would rather be anywhere else.
It is horribly rude, he thinks, fighting a smile, considering your father, the king, is across from you, attempting to address the entire table, and you have apparently decided that whatever intricacies decorate the ceiling are infinitely more deserving of your attention.
Then, his gaze traitorously slips down the slope of your neck. He catches himself before it can wander any farther, eyes snapping dutifully back to your face, but the damage is already done. His mind drifts back to where he had only just freed it fromâto the weight of his hand there, palm curved against your throat, thumb resting beneath your jaw.
Jace swallows thickly, suddenly wondering whether you would still look so carelessly bored then. Whether that distant expression would finally disappear as he leaned close behind you, breath warm against your ear, and demanded your attention in full for himself. He catches himself before his mind can go down another spiral.
What the fuck is wrong with him?
Then, your eyes slide sideways and meet his. Jace immediately realizes he has been caught staring and flushes. One of your brows arches. You ask silently, what?
Jace shakes his head quickly, jaw tightening. Your eyes narrow, and he looks away. He sees you tilt your head curiously from the corner of his eye, and then, he feels your foot brush against his ankle beneath the table.
His entire body goes rigid, gaze snapping toward you. You are still watching him, curiosity flickering in your eyes, and Jace knows that this was an innocent touch. You were only trying to get his attention after he so pointedly looked away from youâhe should move his leg away and that should be the end of it, but⊠but instead, something reckless takes hold of him.
He inhales deeply before he shifts his leg beneath the table until his knee presses against yours. Your brows lifts, and his heart pounds as he waits for you to pull away. You do not.
Emboldened, Jace lets the contact remain, the length of his leg resting deliberately against yours beneath the cover of the tablecloth. It is such a small thingâhardly anything at all, reallyâbut with the thoughts that had been consuming him only moments before, the warmth of you against him feels unbearably intimate.
He wonders, do you think anything of it? Is the reason you do not pull away because this is no different from the countless casual touches you shared when the two of you were young? Or is there some small part of you that is as aware of the contact as he is? That feels the warmth of his leg pressed against yours, that knows there is a distinct lack of innocence behind the touch, but you do not move away because, perhaps, you want him close too?
Jace turns his attention forward as though nothing has happened, and from the corner of his eye, he sees you glance down toward the tablecloth and then back at him.
"You know," Aegon suddenly murmurs, leaning over you to address Jace. Jace's heart skips a beat, wondering if he noticed the contact hidden beneath the table, but Aegon's gaze betrays nothing. "It's a shame your younger brother was betrothed before you. I'd rather hoped that marriage might finally afford you the opportunity to discover what it is like to share a woman's bed."
Jace scoffs under his breath, tongue pressed to the inside of his cheek. He glances at Aegon, and then his gaze drifts toward youâyou are staring forward, face refusing to betray whatever thoughts are running through your mind with his leg pressed to yours the way it is.
Jace finally looks up at his uncle with a faint curve of his lips and asks easily, "What makes you think I haven't discovered it already?"
Your attention immediately snaps toward him, brows furrowed and gaze sharp, and Jace is thrown off momentarily by the intensity in it. There is something there, he realizesâsurprise, certainly, but something that looks suspiciously like displeasure flickers across your face before you manage to smooth it away.
His pulse quickens. Are you jealous?
The thought is so hopeful and self-serving that he immediately tells himself he has imagined it. Why should you care whether he has shared another woman's bed? You are marriedâyou have been married for eight years. Surely, you cannot expect him to have spent all that timeâ
Well, he has, but you do not know that.
Aegon catches a laugh before he can make a scene while the king is still speaking, grin sharpening as he looks at you pointedly and then tilts his head to the side to look at Jace more head on. "Oh? Have you now? Has our lovely little nephew wet his cock at last?"
Jace drags his attention from you with considerable effort and says, "I don't recall my private affairs being any concern of yours."
"They aren't," Aegon says easily, leaning back in his chair with a grin. "I am merely curious."
"Then remain curious, uncle."
"And let us toast to Prince Lucerys as well," his grandsire says, a tired smile on his face as he lifts his goblet to Jace's younger brother. Your gaze drifts over to Luke briefly, and he forces himself to follow, giving his brother a small smile when he sees how he stiffens beneath the attention of the full room. "The future Lord of the Tides."
Jace races his cup to his brother, ignoring as Aegon's grin widens when he leans in again. He can feel your gaze still fixed upon the side of his face, far more distracting than anything your husband could possibly say.
Then Aegon murmurs to you, "See, wife. It seems your perfect little prince may not be so perfect after all."
Aegon sounds openly bitter, and you make a noise in the back of your throatâa scoff or a laugh. Jace pauses. Your perfect little prince. The words warm some silly, childish part of his chest. Do you really talk about him, praise him, so much around Aegon that your husband is resentful over it?
Then he hesitates. Does the thought of him seeking pleasure in another woman's bed sit uneasy with you because, somewhere in your mind, Jace is still the sweet little boy you raised years ago? Or does it disturb you because you do not want him in another woman's bed at all? He finds himself deflating slightly, because one option is far more likely than the other. He needs to know.
Your eyes flick toward him, and he holds your gaze this time. There is an expression on your face that he cannot decipher. Something about it makes him feel strangely guilty, any delight he might have felt over the prospect of you being jealous trickling away.
It is absurd. He has done nothing. The entire insinuation is a lie of his own making, a careless remark offered only because he refused to let Aegon embarrass him. Yet suddenly, Jace feels as though he has disappointed you somehowâas though the perfect little boy you have apparently preserved in your memory all these years has returned to you a man, and, within the span of a single evening, revealed himself to be just as capable of vice as the brother you married.
Except he is not, he wants to tell you desperately. There have been no women. There has only ever been you.
His attention drifts to the side when the low murmur of conversation around the table begins to fade, the scrape of silverware against plates quieting as his grandsire struggles to his feet to speak. Jace reluctantly tears his gaze from you.
"It both gladdens my heart and fills me with sorrow to see these faces around the table," Viserys begins, voice strained with exertion, breath shuddered. "The faces most dear to me in all the world⊠yet grown so distant from each other in the years past."
He hears you make a noise in the back of your throat, leaning back in your chair again as you share an unreadable look with Aegon. Jace hates it, fingers tightening in his lap as he wonders what passed between you in that single glanceâwhat understanding eight years together has afforded the two of you that he cannot hope to decipher.
Then, your leg shifts against his. He thinks you might be pulling away, but you only press the side of your leg harder against his. Jace's breath catches, nostrils flaring slightly as he inhales, gaze cutting to the side, but you are still looking at Aegon, talking to one another without speaking.
Was that an accident or intentional?
"My own face⊠is no longer a handsome one, if indeed it ever was," he distantly hears his grandsire continue, but his pulse is roaring in his ears again, throat bobbing as he tries to figure out if he should press his luck. Would it be too much to shift his leg beneath yours, to nudge your feet apart, spread your legs a little just to see how you react? The thought alone sends a wildly inappropriate rush of heat through him. "But tonight, I wish you to see me as I am. Not just a king⊠but your father, your brother, your husband⊠and your grandsire. Who may not, it seems⊠walk for much longer among you."
Would you startle and pull away, finally realizing there is nothing innocent about the game he is playing beneath the table? Or would you let him? Would you glance at him with that same unreadable expression and leave your legs parted at his behest? How far will you let him go before you stop pretending not to understand what he's doing? Or have you already?
Gods, has he lost all sense? His grandsire is speaking of his death, of a house broken nearly beyond repair, and Jace is sitting at his table contemplating how far he might push the boundaries of your affection before you finally push back. Shame burns hot across his face, and he forces himself to remain perfectly still, ridding himself of all thoughts to slide his foot between your legs to nudge your knees apart.
"Let us no longer hold ill feelings in our hearts," Viserys continues, his labored voice drawing Jace's attention forward again. "The crown cannot stand strong if the House of the Dragon remains divided. But set aside your grievances. If not for the sake of the crown⊠then for the sake of this old man who loves you all so dearly."
Jace hears you inhale, looking away from Aegon at last, and his gaze drifts back to you. The boredom gone, along with whatever had passed between you and your husband, and you stare at your father with something far more complicated written across your face. Jace watches as your jaw tightens and brows furrow as you look down at the empty plate in front of you.
In Jace's defense, when his hand settles on your thigh beneath the tablecloth, he really, really does mean it only as comfort.
But your entire body stills and everything between the two of you changes. Jace feels it happen in the span of a single hitched breathâthe moment the touch ceases to be innocent, when the warmth of his palm against your leg, fingertips pressing into the plush skin of your thigh, becomes something neither of you can reasonably mistake for the affection of a nephew comforting his aunt. His fingers remain perfectly still, but every nerve in his body is suddenly alive and tingling.
He does not dare to look at you now, attention pinned ahead as his tongue darts out to wet his lips, heart pounding in his chest, pulse roaring in his ears.
Somewhere beyond you, his mother rises to her feet. He distantly hears her speak of Queen Alicent, hears the scrape of a goblet being lifted, and the answering murmur as Alicent stands in return. The entire table seems to be listening as the two women raise their cups to one another after years of tension and resentment. Jace hears almost none of it.
His fingers tighten around your thigh slightly, accidentally, really, but when you still do not bat his touch away, his hand slides up slightly, thumb stroking over the fabric of your gown. Your breath catches again as you stare ahead, lashes fluttering slightly, and Jace's stomach clenches, heat rushing downward so quickly that he has to stop himself from shifting in his seat.
Then, Aegon rises. Jace watches warily as the prince steps out from his chair, subtly drawing his hand back into his lap. Aegon makes his way around you in Jace's direction, moving with the lazy confidence of someone already well into his cups. He stops behind Jace's chair and bends slightly, obnoxiously reaching across the table for the wine.
"I see it, you know," Aegon murmurs beneath the swell of conversation. Jace goes rigid. "The way you look at my wife."
Jace's jaw flexes as he forces himself not to react to Aegon's words. He stares ahead blankly. He cannot afford to lose grip of his temperânot here, not ever, but especially not here with the Queen and the Hand and both of his uncles watching him keenly for any and every mistake.
"Like a loyal hound, aren't you? Ten years is rather impressive," Aegon says quietly with a widening smile. "If you're so desperate to know what she's like, I'd be willing to give you a demonstration sometime. Save you all the trouble of wondering what pleases her."
Jace is on his feet in an instant, fist slamming so hard against the table that conversation silences and all eyes swivel to him.
"Jace," Baela hisses quietly, eyes wide.
"Don't," you say under your breath, quiet enough that only he can overhear.
On the far end of the table, Aemond rises to his feet slowly, head tilted to the side as though daring Jace to raise a hand to Aegon. For one terrible moment, Jace wants to. Damn the consequencesâhe'll put his fist into Aegon's jaw and knock the smug smirk right off of his face. He does not care that he'll walk right into the trapâangry and reckless, humiliated before the entire familyânot if it means getting to watch him stumble back, bruised and bloodied.
Then, his gaze drops down to you, and he sees the severe expression on your face, expression hard and gaze sharp with warning. Jace exhales hard through his nose, glancing back slowly at Aegon.
The older prince grins shamelessly, leaning back againâthe audacity to look amused as though he had not just spoken of you like some common whore whose intimacy could be displayed for another man's entertainment. He has never deserved you, Jace thinks furiously. Jace would never talk about you like this to another man, would never treat you with anything less than the devotion you deserve. It is infuriating that Aegon gets everything Jace has ever wanted and does not even have the decency to be appreciative of it.
Jace presses his tongue to the inside of his teeth, forcing the white-hot fury at bay as he smiles, strained. He says at last, "You should mind your cups, uncle. It is only the beginning of the evening, and you are already speaking in twisted tongues."
Irritation flashes across Aegon's face; he barely withholds a roll of his eyes, realizing that not only is he not going to get the reaction he wants, but Jace was able to get in a public dig at his drinking habits. Jace's smile is a little less forced and a little more mocking as Aegon makes his way back to his seat.
Then, his gaze shifts down to you. Your eyes meet his, and you tilt your head to the questioningly, wondering why he's still standing. He holds his hand out to you and murmurs, "Would you do me the honor of a dance, muña?"
"Yes, yes," his grandsire suddenly says, leaning forward and waving his hand. "The music."
You give him a small, indulgent smile before placing your hand in his and allowing him to help you to your feet. Your husband has settled back into his chair, sipping at his refilled goblet, but the careless amusement from moments before has vanished. His eyes follow Jace as he steps closer to you, releasing your hand only to settle his palm against the small of your back.
Jace hold's Aegon's gaze momentarily as he guides you away from the table, and he cannot help the faint satisfaction that curls in his chestâchildish and vindictive and spiteful, but he does not care.
Behind him, another chair scrapes against the floor. Baela calls brightly, "Helaenaâcousin. Dance with me?"
Jace glances back in time to see Helaena blink in surprise before a hesitant smile spreads across her face as she rises to her feet, lifting her skirts slightly as she shuffles over to Baela.
Maegor and Maegelle are quick to steal Rhaena, working in union to each grab a hand to drag her out of her seat, despite her vocal protests and pleas for her father and Rhaenyra and you to get them to release her. For the first time that evening, laughter begins to spread naturally around the table, and Jace turns his attention back on you, lips curled up into a small smile.
Your smile matches his as you say with a short laugh, "The last time we danced, you were half the height and I led."
"Well," Jace says, voice lower than he intends. "I am a man grown now. Perhaps it is time you let me take the lead."
Your brows lift, and Jace realizes what the words sound like only after they have already left his mouth. Heat creeps up the back of his neckâperhaps it is time you let me take the lead. After his lingering touch at your thigh and the thoughts that had plagued him at the tableâwondering how you like to be touched, what you might want from him, what it would be like to take you in fullâthe words suddenly sound far less innocent than he intends for them to be.
Did you hear it too?
He cannot tell. The corners of your mouth curl upward, and Jace swears he sees something knowing flicker in your eyes before you question, "And what makes you so certain I would enjoy letting you do that?"
His pulse jumps. Surely that was intentional, wasn't it? You could have phrased that a hundred different ways that did not sound soâ
Is he just reading too much into it? Jace cannot tell and it's driving him crazy. He swallows thickly. There is still time to retreatâto laugh it off and make some jest about how much his dancing has improved since he was a boyâbut instead, he lifts his chin slightly.
He leans his head in slightly. "You should give me the opportunity to prove myself," he replies, finding himself growing bolder. "You might find I have learned a great deal since you last had me in your hands.
Your gaze searches his face for a moment before you tilt your head in acquiescence and step closer, allowing him to guide you into position.
"Very well, mandianna," you murmur at last. "Show me what you have learned."
Jace's heart pounds. He cannot tell whether the conversation is still about dancing.
The musicians start the opening of the song, and Jace takes your hand properly in his, his other settling at your waist as he leads you into the first steps. He remembers enough not to embarrass himself, thankfully, despite the fact that he has hardly danced at all over the last few years, but he is far too conscious of you to focus fully on the rhythmâyour palm is warm against his, and you let him guide your body as he pleases.
"There," he says when you follow him through a turn without resistance. "This is not so difficult, is it?"
Your eyes narrow playfully. "Do not become arrogant, Jacaerys. You have only just begun. I'm hardly impressed yet."
Jace's mouth curves upward. Bolder, he says, "Then I suppose I shall have to pace myself, so that I may keep going until you're satisfied."
You inhale sharply through your nose, gaze more calculating now as you stare at him. His heart pounds as he waits for you to reply, because there is no ignorance to the twofold meaning to his words this time.
"Careful, mandianna," you murmur. "Someone might misunderstand you."
Jace's hands tightens at your waist as he pulls you closer for the next step of the dance. He lowers his voice as he says, "That depends entirely upon what you believe I meant."
You squint at him, and Jace slows with the music as the kingsguard prepares to return his grandsire to his chambers. He stands at your side, one hand still resting lightly on your mid back, as they gather around the king's chair and carefully lift it from the floor.
You both incline your heads dutifully as they carry him past, remaining silent until the guards disappear beyond the doors. Jace feels you draw a slow breath beside him, the playful tension between you momentarily forgotten as you stare to where your father had left.
You tell him quietly, "You are testing your luck, Jacaerys."
"Am I?" he questions, searching your face. Is this your way of warning him that his attention is unwanted, an attempt to draw a boundary he has been too blinded by hope to see? Or is it the opposite? The not knowing is enough to drive him mad. "Then let me know where my luck ends, muña. Speak with me tonight."
He hates that it comes out pleading when he was going for confidence.
You let out a soft puff of air, but before you get the chance to give him an answer, Aemond slams his fist against the dinner table and rises to his feet, cup in hand. Jace startles at the noise, glancing at Luke, who is still sitting at the table and looks closer to frightened fawn than man, and realizes he must have done something to set off Aemond. Jace stiffens, hand dropping from your back as he braces himself for whatever is about to be said.
"Final tribute," Aemond drawls,raising his cup to Luke and then to Jace. Baela and Helaena pause from where they were dancing around each other, laughter fading. Even the twins share a look with one another, slowing in their chaotic dance with Rhaena. "To the health of my nephews: Jace, Luke, and Joffrey. Each of them handsome, wise⊠Strong."
"Aemond," Alicent says carefully.
Jace exhales hard through his nose, fists tightening at his side as he tilts his head. He knows what Aemond wantsâthe knowledge should make it easier to ignore him, but somehow, it only makes the anger worse. Only hours ago, Vaemond had stood before the entire court and called his mother a whore, naming Jace and his brother bastards. His body has scarcely grown cold, and now Aemond stands beneath the same roof, moments after his dying father pleaded for unity, as he renews life to the accusation.
Aemond's lips curl up into a smug smile as he continues louder.
"Come," he announces, louder this time, ensuring that every person in the room hears him clearly, "let us drain our cups to these three Strong boys."
He should let it go. He should not give Aemond the reaction he wants.
"I dare you to say that again," Jace says before he can stop himself, raising his chin as he stares at Aemond.
Aemond raises his eyebrows with faux innocence.
"Why? It was only a compliment." Jace feels your fingers close around his wrist the moment he starts to move forward, and for a fleeting second, the touch stops him from doing something he cannot take back. Then Aemond meets his eyes directly and asks, "Do you not think yourself Strong?"
Jace tears his wrist from your grasp and drives his fist into Aemond's face before he can think better of it. Pain bursts across his knuckles, but the satisfaction Jace expects never comes. The moment his fist connects, the room erupts around him. Chairs scrape hard against stone as Rhaenyra, Daemon, and Alicent rise to their feet. Aegon slams Luke's face hard into the table when he rises to help Jace. Someone shouts Jace's name, telling him to stop. The twins scream in surprise. Jace hardly hears any of it, lunging forward again, only to be yanked backward.
"Enough, Jacaerys," you hiss, fingers digging hard into his bicep as you pull him back, shoving him hard when his gaze flits above your shoulder back to Aemond.
He turns toward you, chest heaving, because why is it he that you are telling enough? It is Aemond who started this, Aemond who all but called him and his brothers bastards for all to hear, Aemond who stands there smugly. Betrayed, he wonders, how could you take his side? Was he misreading everything after all? The shared look with Aegon, his arm around you in the training yard, entertains both brothersâ
"Take Maegor and Maegelle back to their chambers," you say coolly, "before you make this worse than it already is."
For a moment, he can only stare at you in disbelief. He knows you are right to an extentâhe is making a scene, and the last thing his family needs right now are more whispers circulating about them. Somewhere beneath the fury and betrayal, he knows it perfectly well, but the dismissal still burns with Aemond standing there watching, bloodied mouth curling into the start of another insufferable smile.
Then Daemon steps forward, gaze meeting his momentarily, as though daring him to defy you, before he steps between him and Aemond, his attention turning to the older prince instead.
Jace scoffs, looking away, and just as he is about to turn on his heel to leave, you reach out again, thumb pressing briefly against his pulse. You lean in this time as you speak, voice low enough that only he can overhear what you say: "You and I will talk later."
His anger falters, gaze searching yours before he finally nods, swallowing his pride and whatever protest is left lingering on his tongue as he obeys without argument.
ââââââââââââ
Jace stands outside your door for nigh an hour trying to work up the courage to knock.
Ser Steffon Darklyn watches him with open curiosity from where he stands vigilant at your door. Every time Jace throws a vicious glare in his direction, the man averts his gaze back to the sprawling corridor leading to your chambers, and then he returns to observing Jace, not moments later, the next time he lifts his hand to knock and drops it back at his side.
Is it true? Do you favor Aegon and Aemond now? Have years awayâ
"My prince," Ser Steffon finally says, clearing his throat, and Jace's gaze lifts to the older man, cold. "Would you like me to announce your arrival to the princess?"
A sharp no is about to fly off his tongue when he hesitates, glancing at the door to your apartments one last time before he nods once, raising his chin and looking away.
He ignores the amused expression on Ser Steffon's face out of courtesy for you, because he knows that you have long favored the man for being the first to indulge your requests to learn the sword.
Ser Steffon knocks politely twice before he pushes the heavy door open and says, "Princess, the prince Jacaerys has been waiting outside your chambers for some time now. Would you see him?"
Jace flushes hot and fast, all courtesy for you disappearing as he glares wildly at the knight's back, because there was no reason for him to say he's been waiting for some time.
"Oh," he hears you say. The anger drains into nerves instantly as he raises his chin and stiffens slightly. "Let him in."
Jace exhales hard through his nose, gaze flicking up as Ser Steffon inclines his head before stepping to the side to allow Jace past. He gives the older man a serious side eye as he steps forward, but Ser Steffon ignores it, letting Jace into the room before shutting the door behind him.
Jace knows exactly what he's going to say: he's going to demand to know why it was him and not Aemond you told to back down earlier, he's going to ask if you are happy, he's going to tell you to let him know where his luck ends as you promised at supper.
Then, his gaze meets yours and you are wearing thin, silk night slip at your vanity, a platter of fruits before you, and every thought drifts away like dust in the wind. His lips part as he stares at youâthe soft black fabric inching up your thigh, the strap threatening to slide down your shoulder, the way you tilt your head to the side curiously when you see how his pupils are suddenly blown wide as he stares at you.
Aggravation hits him just as swiftly as desire, because were you really dressed like this for that kingsguard of yours to see? Jace flushes hot as he looks around wildly before his gaze falls upon a robe draped over your dresser, he grabs it furiously and then tosses it at you.
"Put it on," he hisses. He hates the amused look you give him as you rise to your feet and slide the robe of your shoulders. It is hardly better, but Jace can actually bring himself to meet your eyes now. He demands, "You let your sworn shield see you dressed like that?"
You tilt your head. "It is not my fault you came to me when I was getting ready to sleep. I waited for you for three hours, mandiannaâI resigned to bed because I figured you were upset and would not come."
Petulantly, Jace crosses his arms and raises his chin as he asks, "And why would I be so upset that I would not come?" simply because he wants to hear you say the answer.
You tilt your head with an amused smile. You say easily, "Because I sent you to your chambers after Aemond antagonized you."
Jace instantly points at you, vindicated. "And tell me, why should I be the one chastised when it was your half-brother who purposely reignited the rumors that were just put to question not hours before?"
"Because the realm expects more of you, Jacaerys," you say dryly without hesitation, taking a seat on the edge of your bed and motioning for him to join you. Jace falters at your words, shoulders slumping slightly, feet shuffling against the burgundy carpets as he makes his way over to you. "These rumors will be ignited and snuffed continuously throughout your life and reign. Do you plan to strike every courtier who dares reference your strength?"
Jace's eye twitches. "If they mean it as a slight concerning myâ" His jaw tightens over the word parentage, unable to force it out. He finished simply, "Perhaps."
When you immediately give him a sidelong glance, he bristles in defense. He demands, "Do you think I forgot that you, yourself, said that we would meet such accusations with dragonfire, and you chastise me for striking?"
You raise your eyebrows, hand lifting to grab his chin firmly. Jace silences beneath your touch, breath catching when he feels how the blunt tips of your nail dig into his cheeks.
"No, you stupid boy," you say sharply. Jace thinks he should be offended by the insult, but he can hardly focus on anything besides the feeling your fingers hot against his skin and the fact that beneath the robe he handed you, you only wear a thin night slip. "I said that I would meet such accusations with dragonfire. You cannot afford suchââ
You do not finish whatever you're about to say, hand dropping back to your side with an exhale, but Jace can imagine, swallowing thickly as he remembers your fury following the prank he, Aegon, and Luke played on Aemond. Shame coils low in his gut as he looks away.
"I should not have struck him," he finally says quietly, "but he deserved it."
You huff out a laugh through your nose. "He deserved far more than a strike," you say at last. "He is insolent. Alicent coddled him after what happened in Driftmark. He has become insufferable."
Jace hates the familiarity with which you speak of him. It makes his stomach turn, sourness building in the back of his throat. It is he and Luke and Joffrey you should be speaking of with such familiarityânot your half-brothers.
You do not even know Joffrey, Jace realizes, a lump in his throat. You do not know his favorite color or his favorite story, that he dislikes sweets and has taken to High Valyrian better than Jace ever did. You do not know Joffrey, or Aegon, or Viserys. It is not fairânone of this is fair.
"He is a prick," Jace mutters.
"That too," you agree, and Jace cannot help the smile that tugs at the corner of his lips as he looks down.
You rise to your feet. Jace's gaze shifts up questioningly, but you're making your way across the room to a table, you lift a flagon of wine and then look over your shoulder at him, lifting it and motioning toward him. Jace hesitates before he nodsâyou have never offered him wine before. The last time he remembers, Aegon had tried to slip him some as a joke at Lucerys's eighth nameday celebration, and you had slapped the back of his head so hard that his uncle had nearly cried.
"I have grown fond of it over the past few years," you say absently as you turn two goblets right side up and fill up both generously. "Wine, I mean. The gods know the twins drive me to it."
Jace is grateful for something to begin with, because he had struggling with how to approach the conversation he wants to have. He fixes his posture as you finish pouring the glasses and make your way back over to him.
He says, "They have grown." He winced at the observationâit has been eight years, obviously, they have grown. "Youâ" He cuts himself off abruptly, unsure how to phrase what he realizes he's about to say. Finally, he finishes, "You appear to have a good relationship with them."
I hate them sometimes, he remembers you crying to his mother nearly a decade before when Jace was not supposed to be listening. I wanted to love them the same way you loved Jacaerysâ
You hum lightly as you pass him his goblet, and he fights a shiver when your fingers brush his. You do not respond right away, sitting back down carelessly at the top of the bed, relaxing back against the pillows.
Jace's throat spasms as he swallows a large gulp of the sweet Arbor Red. He has sat in bed with you hundreds of times before, but never with this type of intimacyâalways two children curled up with one another, now you are both adults, sipping on wine, close enough to feel the heat on one another's skin. His chest is tight with nerves.
He could imagine thisâlife with you, life like this. Returning to his chambers after long days at court to you lounging in your robe against the pillows, smiling when you see him, a glass of wine in hand and another poured for him. He wants it desperatelyâmore than he has ever wanted anything in his entire life.
"Children do tend to grow in eight years," you reply dryly as you take a long sip of your wine, not acknowledging the second half of his statement for a long moment. After what feels like an eternity, you finally smile wryly and tell him, "I struggled the first few yearsâto be a mother for them, that is."
"You were only a child yourself," Jace notes quietly. "You cannot be blamed."
Something softens in your face at his wordsâhe wonders if anyone has ever acknowledged that beside his mother, or if they had simply placed two infants in your arms and expected you to be a mother for them, as though bringing two children into the world had somehow made you cease to be one yourself. Jace hates itâthe idea of you being alone, struggling, drowning beneath expectations and exhaustion and no one around you willing to do everything Jace would have done without hesitation had he been allowed to be there.
"I was angry at them for a time," you admit after a long silence, staring into your wine. "I knew it wasn't their fault deep down, but I wasâI was so weak after they were born, Jacaerys. I could barely walk without someone helping me. I could not climb stairs without feeling as though I might collapse. I could not ride. I could not fly. ZĆ«gaxes would call for me, and I could not even get to him."
Jace knows this, but he doesn't dare interrupt you, gaze focused on the pinched corners of your mouth and the way your gaze lowers to your dark sheets.
He remembers seeing you at Driftmark during Lady Laena's funeral, remembers the way you could barely hold yourself up, the way your dresses were hanging from your shoulders, what you said to his mother when you thought the two of you were alone. He remembers the weariness in your eyes and the exhaustion plain on your face when you thought no one was looking, but he was always looking at you.
"Everyone kept telling me how fortunate I was," you continue, exhaling through your nose as you look away. "Two healthy babes. A son and daughter. They would place them in my arms and tell me how much I must love them, how happy I must be, and all I could think about was everything I could no longer do."
He wants to reach out for you. His fingers twitch in his lap as he holds his goblet carefully. Your free hand is not too far awayâhe could take it in his, entwine your fingers, squeeze it lightly.
I'm here, he wants to tell you, and if you want me to stay, I won't leave again.
"I tried to leave them behind and fly to Dragonstone onceâafter the birth," you tell him, drawing him from his thoughts. His hand settles back in his lap as his gaze lifts to the heavy expression on your face. "I did not even make it to the Blackwater before I fell unconscious upon Zuzu. I hadn't even been strapped in properly, because my fingers weren't strong enough to clip myself in. I would have fallen to my death had he not sensed when I lost conscious and turned around. I think I knew it was a risk when I was climbing atop him. I think a part of me would have preferred it."
He does not think you mean to say that last part aloud, because your expression immediately twists, and Jace feels sick. The wine he just sipped threatens to come up as he imagines you alone in the sky, barely conscious and too weak to properly secure yourself. What would have happened if ZĆ«gaxes had not been able to get you back safely? Before he can stop himself, he imagines your hands slipping from his saddle, your body falling through open air. He imagines his mother receiving word on Dragonstone, and himâ
"Do not say that," he whispers, jaw so tight that it is almost painful. "Do not say you would have preferred to die. IâI cannotâI do not wantâ"
Jace does not know a life without you. His first memories are of Vermax's green scales and the warmth of your arms around him. You have been the center of his life for as long as he can remember, and he has loved you just as long. You are as essential to him as air, water, foodâthere has never been a version of his world in which you did not exist somewhere within it, even during the two years of silence before Driftmark.
He would think of you every day, crying incessantly into his mother's skirts, demanding to know why you would not answer his ravens, what he had done to make you stop loving him. Rhaenyra would hold him while he sobbed himself sick, rubbing his back as he clung to her and begged her to bring you back. It had hurt, and not in the vague, aching way that people often spoke of missing someone, but in a way that manifested physically. His chest ached until it became difficult to breathe, and his stomach turned whenever he thought too long about the possibility that you had forgotten him. More than once, his mother had summoned Maester Geradys because she had been convinced Jace was falling ill. Those two years had nearly ruined him; he cannot imagine an eternity without you.
"Please," he finally says quietly, unable to even bring himself to meet your gaze. "Justâ"
"Come here, mandianna," you murmur.
Jace comes without need for any more prompting, eyes sliding shut as you take the goblet from him and place it on your bedside table. Then your arms are around him, and Jace folds into you with a quickness that is more instinctual than anything else. For a fleeting second, he is ten years old again, small enough to bury himself against you and believe nothing terrible could happen as long as you held him tightly enough. His arms wind tightly around your waist, face pressing into the crook of your neck as you draw him closer, one hand settling against the back of his head.
He breathes you inâthe familiar lavender and the faint trace of wineâhis throat is painfully tight as he sinks into you.
"You have always been so sweet," you sigh into his hair, gently combing through the dark curls at the back of his neck, nails scratching his scalp lightly. Jace can hardly keep his eyes open as he presses his forehead to your warm skin. "So terribly sensitive."
Jace's eyes snap open as he pulls back just enough to frown at you, indignant. "You just spoke ofâ" He cannot finish the sentence, shaking his head as he protests, "I am not sensitive."
"Mm," you say, and you clearly do not believe him from the amused smile on your lips. "Of course not."
The amusement in your eyes is mortifying, suddenly painfully aware that he is still clinging to you with his face tucked to your neck. He releases you reluctantly, clearing his throat as he sits upright.
"You do not sound as though you believe me," Jace scowls, looking away.
This is not how this was supposed to go. He had come here determined to make you see him differently. He had spent the entire evening testing the boundaries between you, trying to prove that he was no longer the little boy who followed you everywhere and pretended to be asleep so you would carry him around. He wanted you to look at him and see a manâa man capable of protecting you, loving you, satisfying you, a man worthy of being called your husband.
Instead, within half an hour of entering your chambers, he has nearly cried in your arms. Wonderful.
"Pouting does not befit you, mandianna," you tease, leaning in to press your lips to his temple briefly before you reach for the goblet of wine you put to the side so that you could comfort him. He reaches for his own too, desperately in need of something to numb the embarrassment he feels. "Anyway, it has been a long time since then, Jacaerys. You do not need to worry; I do not feel that way anymore."
"What changed?" he asks you quietly, not daring to ask the question he really wants to know: are you happy now?
You stare at him inexplicably for a moment, as though you do not know how to answer, and then you smile lightly and turn your back to him, shuffling through the drawer near your bed to pull out two pieces of parchment.
The one you first show him is familiarâhis cheeks heat up when he recognizes the drawing you set before him. He had forgotten it, or, rather, he had simply assumed it had been discarded years ago. The parchment is faded now, worn and yellowed with time, but the childish figures drawn across it remain unmistakable.
You stand at the center, a mess of scribbles and a big smile. Luke stands on one side of you and Jace stands at the other, both of them holding your hands with arms so long that it would be unsettling in reality. Rhaenyra and Laenor are squeezed into the remaining space, Rhaenyra little more than a head with an enormous crown and legs beneath her, and Laenor drawn absurdly tall, his smile taking up nearly half of his face. Above the five of you, several messily drawn dragons circle beneath a violently yellow sun.
Jace vaguely remembers making it. He and Luke had found you crying in one of the gardens after you thought everyone had gone to dinner. Neither of them had understood why, and you had wiped your face the moment you saw them, insisting nothing was wrong, but Jace had known better, so he and Luke had disappeared into his chambers armed with parchment and charcoal to make a gift for you.
Luke had drawn himself and Laenor, and Jace had drawn himself and Rhaenyra. They had argued terribly over who would draw you until Luke accidentally snapped his charcoal in half and solved the matter entirely. He remembers presenting it to you with Luke and telling you the same thing you had told them both dozens of times before: it is okay to be sad, so long as you are never sad alone.
"You kept this?" he asks with what he intends to be a laugh, but comes out too weak. "After all this time?"
"Of course," you say quietly, an unreadable expression on your face as you stare down at it. "Whenever I felt alone, I would take it out and remind myself that somewhere, there were people who loved me enough to draw me wildly disproportionate." Jace laughs, swallowing thickly as he looks up at you, heart fluttering at the soft expression on your face as you stare down at the picture. "It made me smile, even when I was sad."
He wants to reach out for you again, fingers twitching at his side. After a moment's hesitation, he does, slipping his hand into yours and entwining your fingers. His pulse pounds, half expecting you to pull away, but you do not, squeezing lightly as you finally show him the other piece of parchment.
"That'sâ" he begins, surprised, cutting himself off.
It's a replica of his and Luke's drawing, except a bit more sloppily drawn with two more tiny figures wedged on either side of you, each with a wild scribble of silver hair and big smiles.
"Maegelle said that I only smiled when I was looking at your drawing," you say quietly. "She and Maegor did not even know who any of you were thenâI⊠I rarely spoke to them outside of when it was absolutely necessary. They only knew that these people made their mother happy, and they decided if they added themselves to the picture, perhaps they could make me happy too."
Jace does not know how to reply to that, staring down at the two little figures crudely squeezed into the new version of the drawing. He imagines the two children studying the first drawing, trying to understand why a bunch of scribbled strangers they had never met could make their mother smile when they could not, and rather than resent those strangers for possessing some piece of you that remained beyond their reach, they had simply decided to join them.
"I was awful to them, Jacaerys," you admit, voice breaking, and Jace hates seeing you like this. Hates seeing you sad. Hates the reminder that you have spent ten years alone, suffering, and he was stuck across the Blackwater, unable to do anything about it. He wants to wipe away your tears and hold you close the same way you did for him for years, but he doesn't know if you would let him. "When Maegelle cried, I would hand her off to Melynda and tell her to leave the room until she stopped crying. When Maegor reached for me, I would walk away. They didn't understand why I kept pushing them away, no matter how hard they tried to be near me, and they still only ever wanted me to be happy."
"Are you?" he finally dares to ask, voice little more than a breath. "Are you happy?"
You stare at him for a long moment, lips parting as though to answer, but no words leave them. Jace's heart is pounding again. What answer does he want to hear? Selfishly, he thought he wanted you to say no, so that he could be your knight in shining armor, your prince from a fairytale who would swoop you off your feet and carry you off to a brighter future.
Now, he isn't so sure, because the idea of you being unhappy for a decade, forced to content yourself with life so that you do not climb back onto ZĆ«gaxes's back, knowing you might fall, makes him terribly sick.
"I love the twins," you finally say, thumb pressing over the little silver-haired figure that Jace assumes is Maegelle, if only because the hair is slightly longer than the other. "Even when they drive me mad. I have ZĆ«gaxes. I can fly again. I can walk without someone hovering behind meâmost days at least. Some days are still⊠difficult."
But are you happy? Jace wonders, a treacherous flicker of hope stirring inside him when he realizes you didn't mention Aegon.
"And Aegon?" he finally asks. His uncle's name tastes bitter in his mouth, and Jace feels your fingers tense between his. He watches you carefully, thumb stilling against your hand. He forces himself to press, "What of him? Does he make you happy?"
There it is againâthat calculating expression you had worn earlier when his double-meaning words edged on too plainly spoken. Jace feels as though he has stepped onto dangerously thin ice, but instead of retreating, he finds himself leaning closer.
"Does he treat you right? Does he love you?" he murmurs, watching your face carefully. "Does he make you feel wanted?"
"Jacaerys," you start to say, voice low with warning.
Jace is undeterred. Perhaps it is the wine you gave him, the light buzz finally reaching his head, giving him all the confidence he needs to press the subject, or perhaps he is just desperate after having been plagued with uncertainty all day and all evening, but he cannot bring himself to back down.
"It is a simple question," he tells you quickly.
"No," you say quietly. "It is not."
His heart begins to pound. "Tell me," he insists. "Tell me that he loves you as he should. Tell me that he makes you happy. Tell me that you have never wanted for anything from him."
"This is none of your business," you tell him firmly, slipping your hand from his instead of answering. His skin tingles where yours had once been flush against his, and Jace's throat bobs as he tries to figure out what to doâshould he press? Should he drop it? "You have no right to question me about my marriage."
"Why not?" he asks boldly, making his decision the moment he sees that dull expression from earlier in the night briefly cross your face again as your gaze flicks away.
"Why not?" you echo, giving him a disbelieving look.
"Yes," he says, agitated and unrepentant. "Why shouldn't I care whether or not you are happy?"
"That is not what I said," you sigh, shaking your head. "You are being deliberately obtuse."
"Then why don't you answer my question?"
"Because I do not owe you the details of my marriage, Jacaerys."
"I'm not asking for the details."
"Then what are you asking for?"
"I am asking for a simple answer," he tells you, reaching for your hands again, taking them both in his. He shifts onto his knees and leans in slightly, forcing you to look him in the eye. "Tell me. If he loves you, if he makes you happy, if he gives you everything you want, then it is an easy answer. I will never ask again."
It is a lieâhe knows it the moment the words leave his mouth. He would ask himself every day for the rest of his life. He would lie awake wondering whether Aegon had touched you gently that evening, whether he had made you laugh, whether Jace might have had he been in his position instead. He would torture himself with knowledge that another man possessed everything Jace has wanted since he was old enough to understand wanting at all.
But he would leave you alone. If you told him that Aegon made you happy, Jace would bury whatever foolish hope had begun to take root inside of him today. He would accept that whatever he wanted from you could never be his and content himself with whatever place in your life you were willing to give him.
"What does it matter?" you finally ask him, shaking your head. He can see your defenses dropping in real time as you consider his question, a hopeless expression settling over your face as you look away from him again, but you do not pull your hands back. "What would it change, Jacaerys? If I told you that this marriage isn't what I'd wished, what would you do with that answer?"
Jace stares at you, and for one terrible moment, his mind goes completely blank of all of things he would do, everything that would change if you would just tell him what he needs to hear.
"Everything," he finally breathes out, pulse pounding, breath unsteady as his fingers tighten around yours. "I would do everything. Anything. I wouldâI could make you happy, muña."
"Jacaerysâ" you start to say.
"I could," he insists. The words come louder this time, almost frantic, as though if he can only make you understand, everything will suddenly become simple. "I know I could. I know a part of you still looks at me and sees the boy I was when you left, but I'm not. I know I could be what you need."
"You do not know what you're saying," you say, shaking your head, but Jace's grip on your hands tightens. He shifts closer, desperate, knees pressing against yours as he tries to force you to hear him. "Jacaerysâ"
"I do," he insists. His chest rising and falling too quickly, every shred of caution he possessed earlier in the evening abandoning him now. He has spent hours wondering how far you would let him go, months preparing for this moment, years fantasizing it. He cannot hide it anymore. He breathes, "I would be good to you. I would make you feel wanted. I would make certain you never have to wonder whether you are loved. I would never speak of you the way he did tonight. I would never treat loving you as though it were some burden I had been forced to carry."
Your lips part as you stare at him. He is so close to you that he can almost feel your breath on his lips, can see the way your pupils widen ever so slightly as you stare at him.
"I would choose you. Every day, I would choose you," he tells you softly, hands tightening around yours. "So tell me, what I am supposed to do, how I am meant to sit beside you and watch you be unhappy when I knowâwhen I know that if you would only just let meâ" He stops, swallowing hard. "I could make you happy."
You pull your hands away from his, and Jace feels cold, rejection spreading like ice through his veins as you shake your head and rise from the bed, stepping away from him.
"You do not know what you're saying," you say again, quieter.
Distantly, he recognizes that there is a distinct lack of conviction in your voice, that it seems more like you are trying to convince yourself than him, but it does not quell the rage that suddenly rises in his chest.
You still see him as a child.
"I am not a child anymore," he hisses, frustrated, rising to his feet, quick and angry.
"I did not say you were."
"You do not have to," he snaps, following you when you turn away from him. He grabs your wrist and forces you to face him again. He can feel your pulse hammering beneath his fingers when they circle your wrist. "You still look at me and see the boy who I was. I want you to look at me and see me."
"Jacaerys," you say, pleading for him to listen. "It would not change that I am married. It would not change that Aegon is my husband. What is it you want from me?"
"You," he answers before he can stop to think if maybe there is a better way of phrasing this. You stare at him, expression unsettlingly blank. "I want you. Gods, what do you think I have been trying to tell you?"
You swallow thickly, lips parting, but Jace barrels on before you can shut him down.
"I know that you are married." His voice rises with his frustration. "I know he is your husband. I know all of it, and I have spent years knowing it, and it has not made me want you any less."
"I do not know what you expect me to do."
"I don't know either!" The admission bursts from him, raw and almost angry. Jace drags a hand through his hair as he turns away for half a heartbeat to take in a shuddered breath before facing you again. A part of him had thought that once he confessed what he felt for you, everything would fall into placeâthat you would know what to do, as you always have."I don't know. I thoughtâI don't know." He laughs once, shaking his head, breathless and bitter. "I thought if I told you, perhaps I would know what came next. Or you would. Gods, I donât know. But I cannot keep pretending that it does not ruin me to see you with someone who does not deserve you. To stand there and watch him take for granted what I have wanted for as long as I can remember and act as though it does not tear me apart. And then tonightâeverything I felt before it was worseâstrongerâbecause he was insufferable, and you kept looking at me likeâ" He stops himself, shaking his head. "You let me touch you. You knew what I meant when we danced. You knew what I was doing."
"I should have stopped you," you rasp, voice weak, catching over the words. "Iâ"
"But you didn't," Jace interrupts, taking a step closer, taking your hands in his again, "why didn't you?"
You stare at him so helplessly that Jace knows your answer without you even having to say anything.
"Muña," he breathes , trying to get you to listen to him. "Let me make you happy. Please. Kostilus."
Your eyes are wide, lips parted around a breath that never seems to come, and Jace waits, heart beating rapidly in his chest. He waits for you to tell him no, waits for you to order him from your chambers and finally draw the boundary he has spent the entire evening recklessly searching for.
You do none of those things. Instead, his tongue darts out to wet his lips, and your gaze drops to his mouth. It is only for a heartbeat, perhaps less, but Jace sees it nonetheless, and whatever remains of his good sense abandons him entirely.
It all happens too quickly, all that desperate courage he has gathered over the course of the evening propels him forward before he has the slightest idea what he is doing. His nose bumps awkwardly against yours, and his mouth catches the corner of your lips instead of landing properly upon them.
Jace freezes, mortification washing over him. Neither of you moves for a horrible second, and he thinks, humiliated, that of all the ways he imagined this moment over the years, never once had he considered the possibility that he might fuck it up.
Then, you inhale sharply, turning your face toward his just enough that your lips brush his, and Jace stops breathing. His world narrows to that single point of contact between the two of you.
His hand rises to your cheek, trembling as his palm settles against your warm skin. This time, when he closes the distance, he does it slowly, eyes remaining fixed upon yours until his mouth presses to yours, your lips soft and sweet against his own. He braces himself for you to pull away, for you to tilt the lower half of your face out of reach. You do not.
Jace kisses you properly now. It is still too clumsy for his liking. He cannot figure out how to pace himself for the life of him. Too hesitant at first, then too eager when the realization finally crashes over him that this is you beneath his hands, your lips against his. He can taste the wine on your tongue, and the fruit from the platter you were picking at before he arrived.
Years of longing and an entire day of restraint unravel in the space of a heartbeat as he tilts your head back to kiss you deeper. His other hand finds your hip by instinct, drawing your body closer to his, and your breath hitches against his mouth. Jace kisses you until his lungs burn and his head feels light, and even then, he kisses you still, terrified that the moment he stops, you will send him away.
"I am sorry," he breathes when he is finally forced to part his lips from your, forehead resting against yours, breath ragged as he tries to catch it. He does not know what he's apologizing for. Kissing you? He is not sorry for that, and you certainly know it from the way he's holding you. His eyes are wide and searching as he tries to figure out where your mind is at. His thumb strokes helplessly along your cheek, gaze dropping back to your lips. "I should not haveâI only thought youâ"
His words dissolve into a low moan in the back of his throat when you press your lips against his this time. Jace's whole body feels hot and shaky. Your hands find his waist, and his lashes flutter when your lips move slowly against his, easing them open so that you might trace your tongue along the inside of his mouth.
Jace wonders if he is dreamingâa pleasant, wine-induced dream, and he would wake up in the morning hot and aching desperately for you, cursing himself for allowing his imagination to conjure something so terribly convincing.
But then your fingers tighten on his waist, and you pull him closer until his slim body is flush to yours, and Jace knows that it is real because no dream has ever felt like this before.
A shuddered breath escapes him against your lips, something between disbelief and relief, and whatever hesitation had seized him moments before disappears. You are kissing him. You are kissing him. He had stopped, apologized, given you every opportunity to push him away, and instead you closed the distance yourself.
He has imagined this dozens, hundreds of times before, but nothing could have prepared him for the reality of having you like this, of having your lips on his, feeling your chest heaving and pulse pounding. Jace is dizzy with needâit is not enough, he has to have you in full.
His hands lift to your face, cupping your cheeks, tilting your head back as he kisses you again. A second time. A third. Needy and eager, you can hardly keep up with him, hands curled around his tunic, holding him close as he presses his mouth to yours like he wants to devour you. It is not enough.
"Muña," he breathes into your mouth, pulling your body closer so that he can feel you flush to him. He walks you backward until your back hits the cool stone wall of your chambers, and his lips slide messily from yours to your cheek, along the line of your jaw until he can kiss down your throat. "I just want you to be happy. I want to make you feel good."
The words aren't meant to come out as desperate as they do, pleading, begging you to just let him help you be happy, but you shiver against him all the same.
"Jacaerys," you gasp, breath hitching as he slides your robe off your shoulders, letting it drop to the ground at your feet. He lets out a low moan into the skin of your neck, fingers toying with the thin strap of your night slip. "Iâ"
"I will stay, if you'd let me," he continues, lashes fluttering as his teeth graze your collarbone. One hand lifts to entwine with your hair so he can tilt your head back gently, kissing back up the line of your throat until his lips hover above yours, eyes searching as he continues, "My mother plans to return to Dragonstone with the rest in the morning, but I will stay. With you. As I promised all those years ago. You only need say the word."
He does not know what the look in your eyes means as you stare at him. He hates thatâhates there was once a time where he could look at you and know what you exactly what you were thinking, and hates that the privilege now seems to belong to Aegon.
He kisses you again, harder this time, deeperâif he cannot convey himself in words, he will do it through actions. He will kiss you hard enough that anytime you kiss another, you will only think of how perfectly his lips slotted against yours, deep enough so that you will taste him on your tongue when your husband tries to take your bed.
He lets out a low moan into your mouth as he drags his tongue along the roof of your mouth, the inside of your lips, gliding along your tongue. It is messier than he has imagined it in times pastâwhen he would fist his cock pretending your lips were on his, he was kissing you slow and careful. Now, spit slicks around his lips and yours, and each breath of his is wet and ragged. He sucks your bottom lip into his mouth and rolls it between his teeth.
It is not enough, he thinks, kissing sloppily down your neck again, arms winding around your waist. He needs more.
"Jacaerys," you breathe his name again, and his gaze lifts to your face.
There is a haziness to your eyes that drives him crazy, a need that is only reflected in his own.
You want him, he thinks, inhaling shakily as his fingers bite into the skin at your waist. You want him as desperately as he wants you.
Before he can lose his courage, his hands slide up the curves of your body to shift the thin straps of your nightslip over your shoulders. His throat bobs, breath not reaching his lungs as he leans back just enough to watch as he lowers the slip from your body. The fabric catches briefly on your arms before sliding lower, and Jace's hands still, eyes sliding shut.
For all the times he has imagined this, he suddenly finds himself terrified to look.
It is ridiculous. He has conjured half a hundred different versions of you in the privacy of his chambers, pieced together by his traitorous imagination, but none of those fantasies had ever accounted for the sheer enormity of actually standing before you now. Of being allowed to see you. Of knowing that when he finally lowers his gaze, it will no longer be something imagined.
"Mandianna?"
His eyes reopen at last, and all the breath leaves his lungs in one fell swoop.
You are beautiful. The thought is almost painfully inadequate. He steps forward just enough to reach out for you again, fingers skimming along the bare skin of your waist, the curve of your hip. He has always known you were beautiful. He knew it when he was young and possessed no understanding of why he couldn't stop himself from giggling and hiding his face whenever you smiled at him. He knew it when he would have fits of irritation whenever a bard implied any noble lady other than you was the most beautiful woman in the room. He knew it in Driftmark, even when your eyes were tired and your body was weak and everyone around him said you looked closer to corpse than woman. He knew it when he saw you in the throne room earlier today, and for one humiliating moment, he had forgotten how to breathe. This is different.
"Gods," he whispers.
You tilt your head. "Is something wrong?"
"No." The answer comes so quickly that you laugh, and Jace flushes. "No, Iâ"
He fumbles for words. His hands continue their absent exploration, tracing the lines of your body with reverence. His gaze flicks up to your face, searching for the slightest sign you want him to stop, but you remain where you are.
"IksÄ gevie," he breathes at last, and your expression softens.
You are beautiful.
Jace leans forward and kisses you again, gentler now. There is none of the frantic desperation from moments before, only the lingering wonder that you are really here, really allowing him to do this.
Then, the moment is ruined.
Aegon has seen you like this. The thought strikes him with enough force that his stomach twists, and he has to tilt the lower half of his face away from yours, parting from you as his jaw tightens. He cannot even relish in the fact that you find yourself chasing after his lips before he catches himself grimacing.
But now that the thought has crossed his mind, he cannot push it away. It sours inside him, curdling the sanctity of this moment.
Aegon has stood where he stands now. Aegon has known every part of you that Jace is only now discovering. Aegon's hands have been dozens, hundreds of times, where his only just touched for the first time. Eight years of marriage in which his uncle has been permitted an intimacy with you that Jace had only allowed himself to dream of.
"What is it?" you ask him, one hand coming up to his chin, tilting his face up so that he is looking at you.
"Nothing."
You tilt your head with an indulgent smile. "Jacaerys."
He exhales sharply through his nose, scowling as he looks away. It is foolish. He has you in front of him, bare and wanting, as he has dreamed, and instead of savoring in the moment, he is allowing your wretched husband to invade it.
"Does he tell you?" he asks you quietly. "That you're beautiful? Does he even know how fortunate he is to call you his wife?"
He would, Jace thinks darkly, if he knew the lengths Jace is willing to go to call you his.
Your lips part as you stare at him. Before you can dismiss the question with another shake of your head, he leans to ghost his lips against yours, relishing in the way you falter.
"Tell me," he murmurs against your lips. "Please, muña. I need to know."
"Enough of this, Jacaerys," you finally say roughly, turning your face away from his. Jace does not mind. He kisses you still, trailing his lips gently along your cheek, to your ear, down the length of your neck, easing the words from you. "He prefers whores. He only comes to me when he has indulged in a cup of wine."
Jace's mouth stills against your skin. He does not know why the words both anger and please him. He is glad that you do not lie with one another as frequently as he feared, you do not seek each other for pleasure as you do in his nightmares, butâbut how dare he prefer whores to you? How dare he have the right to call you his wife, the right to your bed, arms, and cunt, and he still seeks out other women? If it were Jaceâ
If it were Jace, if it were Jace, if it were Jace.
"How often?"
"Jacaerys," you warn, voice low.
"Please, muña," he says again, glancing up at you. "I just want to know."
You relent when he looks up at you with beckoning eyes. You have always been weak for him when he looks at you like that, always struggled to deny him anything when he turns his eyes up to you, wide and pleadingâhe has taken advantage of it for as long as he could remember, and he takes advantage of it now.
You press your lips together and say, "Often enough."
Jace's blood runs hot. "And when he does?"
You sigh, tilting your head back against the stone, patience waning, and Jace quits while he's already behind, not wanting to risk an argument while you're bare and wanting in his arms for the first time. He busies himself at your neck again, kissing down the length of your throat slowly, fingers stroking the skin at your hip.
"It makes me angry," he admits, voice muffled slightly against your skin as he nips and licks at your neck. He continues lower, lashes fluttering as he trails open-mouthed kisses between the valley of your breasts. "Worse, really. There is no word that can articulate how it feels knowing that mongrel has everything I have ever wanted and treats you with suchâ" He cuts himself off abruptly, resting his forehead against your collarbone. "I only wish to see you treated as you deserve. Iâ"
I wish to be the one to treat you that way.
He does not give you the opportunity to respond again, lips finding your skin, mouth wandering lower. He presses lingering kisses along your skinâan apology for every careless touch you have endured because he was too young to do anything when your father handed you off to Aegon. He wants you to understand the difference without having to put it into wordsâthat there is nowhere he would rather be, there is no woman in the world he would prefer to be abed with than you.
Your fingers slip uncertainly into his dark curls when he lowers himself to his knees before you.
"Jacaerys," you say hesitantly, and Jace glances up. The sight of you looking down at him with furrowed brows nearly steals what little courage he has managed to build up. "What are you doing?"
Jace does not fully know himself. The only experience he has comes from the poorly written romances he'd managed to sneak from Rhaena when she wasn't paying attention and the increasingly indecent conversations he had overheard from the men around him as he grew older, boasting crudely over cups of lovers beneath them, thighs closed tight around their earsâthe pleasure a man can give with naught but his mouthâbut he had always flushed and looked away, feigning disinterest. He wishes now that he had listened more.
Once or twice, he had considered visiting a pleasure house. He had even convinced himself it would be sensibleâto learn what he was doing before he ever found himself in the position he is now. But every time he seriously entertained the idea, his stomach turned. The idea of touching another woman, of kissing her, of sinking inside her and pretending it was you beneath his hands, made his skin crawl.
So he has remained hopelessly inexperienced, despite what he might have implied at supper earlier.
"Trust me," is all he says, hoping you cannot hear the uncertainty behind the words. He press another soft kiss against your skin, a second to your inner thigh as he eases your legs apart. He cannot breathe at the sight of your cunt so close to his face, half-convinced this might be a dream. "I just want to make you feel good. Let me try, muña."
He does not wait for you to second guess him, dragging his lips from your skin to the apex of your thighs, warmth breath ghosting over you. Your breath hitches, entire body tensing, and before he can lose his nerves, Jace buries his face between your thighs. His breath hitches the moment his mouth is on you, savoring in the taste of you, the scent of you, the warmth of you. His fingers bite deep into the plush skin of your thighs to hold you still, and Jace's lashes flutter as he drags his tongue between your folds, lapping at you desperately before he presses the tip of his tongue to your hole.
"Oh," he hears you breathe, thighs tensing beneath his touch, hips jerking against his face. His eyes slide shut momentarily as he relishes in the sound of the soft noises spilling from your lips above himâgasps and moans and whines caught in the back of your throat. "IâWhatâwhat are youâ"
Instead of answering, he shifts one of your thighs so that it rests on his shoulder so that he might bury his tongue deeper inside of you, and you choke on your words. His eyes flick upward, wide and searching, to watch the way your chest heaves, head tilted back against the stone, lips swollen and slick from Jace's own mouth, trying to figure out what you like.
Jace has spent years dreaming of this, he thinks for the dozenth that night. Years imagining the moment he could touch you, hold you, kiss you, lay with you; none compares to having you writhing against his mouth, cunt grinding on his tongue.
How could Aegon ever be with another after seeing you in the throes of pleasure like this? Jace would suffocate between your thighs if it meant he would die with the sound of your pretty moans in his ears.
Unlessâunless Aegon has never seen you like this?
Heat rushes lowâhis trousers have been painfully tight from the moment his lips first touched yours, but he aches now, lungs burning as his hips jerk slightly, rutting against air as he seeks out friction. He parts his lips from your cunt just long enough to suck in a gulp of air to his lungs before latching back onto you, tongue sweeping between your soaked folds, lapping at your slick before he sucks the small little bud at the front of your cunt into his mouth.
The cry that spills from your lips is music to his ears, gaze flying up as your back arches against the wall, hips rocking against his face, your heel digging into his mid-back. The hand you buried in his hair twists at the dark locks painfully, your other scratching at the stone behind you, and his eyes half-roll back at the stinging to his scalp.
There is no way, he realizes, the image of you writhing on his tongue seared behind his eyelids as his eyes slide shut so that he can focus on eating you in earnest. He groans into you, one hand tight around your thigh, the other fisting your ass to pull you impossibly closer. There is no way Aegon has ever seen you like this, had you like this, because if he had, he would never go to another.
Jace is the only one who gets to see you like this.
Jace is the only one who gets to have you like this.
"Jacaerys," you gasp, voice breathy, hitching over his name, thighs trembling around his head. "Please."
Jace's gaze snaps back up toward you. He's panting as he pulls his mouth from your cunt, savoring the keening noise that spills from your lips.
Distantly, he knows that this is reckless. He knows that Ser Steffon is right outside your door, and he can likely hear everything happening behind your doors. He knows that you are married, and he knows the consequences for both of you would be dire if someone walked in while his face is buried in your cunt.
Still, he says hoarsely what you have told him dozens of times before, "Ivestragon ziry drÄjÄ«."
Say it correctly.
You stare at him, eyes wide and lips parted in disbelief, and a thrill runs through him, grip tightening on your thighs, breath ghosting hot over your cunt. He wants so badly to drown himself in the taste of you again, tongue darting out to lap at the slickness on his lips and chin, but he refrains, waiting.
"Kostilus," you finally breathe out, voice shaky, fingers trembling in his hair. They slip down the slope of his nose, resting on his lips, and Jace's lips part instinctively, lashes fluttering as he takes your two fingers into his mouth. "Kostilus, Jacaerys."
Jace's vision flashes white as he moans around your fingers, hips rutting forward against air again. Your fingers slip from his mouth so he can dive forward again, sloppily dragging his tongue between your folds, fucking it deep into your hole before he kisses messily up your cunt to the sensitive bud that makes you writhe.
He's mortified when his abdomen tightens and his hips jerk one final time, and he recognizes the familiar, sticky warmth suddenly seeping through his trousers, but he's so lost in the taste and feel of you that all he can do is hold you tighter, panting as you grind your hips against his face and he desperately tries to kee up.
You're keening above him, pretty, pitched moans that make him dizzyâbecause he's making you feel like this. He is. Not your husband, not Aemond, not anyoneâonly him.
He wants to feel you fall apart on his tongue, wants you to grab his hair and rock your hips against his face, use himâhe wants you to use him however you see fit. Take him for everything he has and more.
Jace knows that you are married. He knows he cannot ask you for what he wants yet because he does not know how to achieve it, cannot yet find the courage to tell you how desperately he needs to be the man you choose before all others. He wants to be your husbandâhe wants to be your husband so bad that it kills him sometimes to know that the path getting there will be a long, difficult one.
But Jace is patient. He has waited a decade to be reunited with you, he will wait a decade more to wed you, if need be.
If this is all you can give him for now, he will take it. He will accept being something can only exist in stolen moments behind closed doors, beneath sheets in the dead of night, in sweat slicked skin and breathy moans, if it means that one day he might have the right to love you openly and call you his wife.
"Hahâ" you gasp, thighs trembling on either side of his head. Jace suddenly understands why men always sounded so proud of themselves when they spoke of having their women wanton and writhing on their tongue. He is so drunk off the taste of you, the sound of your pleasure, that he hardly cares that his lungs burn. "I'mâI thinkâI'm goingâ"
Jace's gaze cuts upward, jaw falling half slack as he watches you come undone above him. You cry his name, fisting his hair and grinding your cunt against his mouth, and Jace thinks he finishes a second time untouched, cock twitching in his trousers, seed dripping down his thighs.
His fingers loosen on your thighs, thumbs easing circles into your skin as he returns to lapping at your cunt, careful not to let a single drop of you go to waste. His lashes flutter as he dares to suck your bud into his mouth again, only for you to start squirming and tugging at his hair.
"Jacaerys," you gasp, trying to pull your hips away, but Jace follows, tongue swirling circles, dragging between your folds. He dips it back into your hole to feel the way it tightens around him, and his mind goes blank as he imagines his cock in its place. "Jâmandianna, stopâhold on, it's too sensitive. Jacaerys!"
Jace only pulls back when your voice sharpens and your heel kicking hard into his back twice, eyes a bit hazy as he looks up at you. Your expression softens at the sight of him. He wonders how much of a mess he must look right nowâon his knees before you, chest heaving with every breath, face flushed, lips swollen and chin slick, hair a tangled mess from where your fingers had been tugging it.
One of your hands, still trembling, drops to his face, cradling his cheek gently. You tilt his face up, and Jace leans helplessly into your palm, turning his face just enough to press a kiss to the center of it.
"I meant what I said," he tells you, voice hoarse, eyes searching your face. "I'll stay. You need only say the word, muña. You do not have to be alone anymore."
It would be a dangerous game, he realizes. One day with youâin the throne room, at the training yard, during supperâhad been enough for him to nearly expose the two of you before there was even anything to expose.
What would become of the two of you after days of stolen glances and nights spent slipping unnoticed into one another's chambers? How long before his hand lingered where it should not, before someone noticed the way his eyes followed you through every room, before the whispers that already plagued the family found fresh fodder?
Jace watches the same realization cross your face and his heart sinks. Your expression turns distant and calculating as you consider every risk he has been too desperate to care about.
"Say something," he murmurs.
Your eyes meet his again at last. "We will talk in the morning."
His heart sinks. "Muñaâ"
"In the morning, Jacaerys," you repeat, softer this time, thumb brushing once across his cheek. "When neither of us has wine in our blood, and you have had time to consider what you are asking of me."
Jace wants to protest that he has had eight years to consider it. Instead, he presses his lips to your palm again and nods, rising to his feet so that he might guide you to the bed.
Perhaps it is for the best, he thinks, that despite everything that has transpired tonight, the two of you have not gone any further. His gaze drops briefly before returning to yours.
"We should be careful," he murmurs. "If this is to continue."
Your brows lift slightly. "You have only just discovered caution?"
Jace almost smiles. "I mean it. I will not make the same mistake my mother did." His expression sobers. "I will not put a child in you who bears my face and leave you to answer for it."
Your entire expression changes. "Jacaerys."
He mistakes the sharpness in your voice for offenseâperhaps he was being too presumptuous, you could very well tell him this will never happen again come morning. The thought makes his stomach turn violently.
"I only meantâ"
"You were not a mistake." Jace goes still, throat bobbing as he stares down at you. "Do not speak of yourself that wayâor your mother, for that matter."
Jace makes a bitter noise in the back of his throatâa scoff, maybe a laugh, and then he speaks out loud the words that have haunted him for as long as he's known he does not look like his father. "You cannot tell me that no one thought it. That there was not some immediate disappointmentâregretâwhen I came into the world with brown hair and brown eyes instead of silver and violet."
You have the nerve to laugh at him, and when he shoots you an accusing look, you only grab his hand so that you can ghost your lips to his knuckles.
"Mandianna," you say fondly. "Tomorrow morning, I want you to ask your mother what my reaction was when I saw you for the first time. She will tell you."
Jace falters, fingers tensing against yours as he gives you a questioning look, but you only raise your eyebrows, signaling you will say no more.
He sighs and looks away, "I only mean to say that I do not want my son to go through what I have. Nor do I want you to go through what my mother has."
"I know," you soothe, running your thumb over his knuckles before releasing his hand. "We will talk in the morning. I would ask you to stay, but the twins rise with the sun and enjoy waking their disgruntled father with them, so Aegon tends to appear at my door shortly after sunrise to deposit them here so that he might return to his own bed. I would rather not risk him finding you in mine."
Jace's jaw tightens at the reminder of your husband, hating the domestic image that comes to mindâAegon with sleep trussed hair and tired eyes, two children at his heel, showing up to your door with a yawn so he might return to sleep.
It should be him, he thinks despondently. It should be him with your children, him who can be with you when the sun is high, him as your husband. Not Aegon.
"Of course," he finally says, voice strained. Then he swallows as his gaze lifts to yours, tone softening as he tells you, "I missed you a lot, muña."
"I missed you too, mandianna," you say quietly. "Go rest. We will figure everything out."
Jace does not think he's going to get a wink of sleep, but he nods anyway, inclining his head slightly before he makes his way to your door.
He takes one last lingering look at you, hesitating when he sees the distant expression on your face as soon as you think his back is turned, and then he inhales deeply before lowering his gaze and leaving your chambers, an ache in his chest that already feels unbearable.
If Ser Steffon heard anything from the other side of the door, he gives no indication of it beyond the faintly awkward look that crosses his face when Jace steps into the corridor, wiping at the lower half of his face.
Jace answers it with a vicious glare before hurrying away.
ââââââââââââ
"Jacaerys," his mother demands when he finally makes his way to the courtyard, where she, Daemon, his brothers and cousins are all waiting. It is hours past dawnâthey were supposed to leave for Dragonstone as soon as the sun breached the horizon. "Where have you been? We've been waiting for you."
Jace's jaw tightens as he walks past his mother without a word to the horse the stable boys readied for him. He has been trying to rationalize your absence for hours. He had waited in the godswood and the gardens, lingered near the training yard and the library; he was desperate to catch so much as a glimpse of your familiar smile. He did not dare go to your chambers.
You had promised. You had sworn to him that you would speak in the morning, and Jace had hardly slept because of it. He alternated between wild hope and sickening dread as he imagined every possible outcome of the conversation awaiting him. He paced the corridors of the keep and stared up at the moon above until his eyes were heavy and circled, but he could not bring himself to return to his chambers.
Finally, morning had come, but you were nowhere to be found. You are avoiding him.
The thought has been festering inside him for hours, growing uglier each time he searches another part of the keep for you. Perhaps sobreity had brought regret with it, he thinks with a lump in his throat. Perhaps you had wakened this morning and remembered his mouth upon yours, his hands against your skin, and realized with horror what you had allowed to happen.
What has he done? He had pushed all evening, testing every boundary you placed before him until eventually there had been none left to cross. He had kissed you. He had put his hands on you. He hadâ
His stomach twists so violently that he almost retches. What if he had mistakken hesitation for invitation simply because he had wanted you so desperately? What if you only kissed him because you have never been able to say no to him? What ifâ
"Jacaerys," his mother snaps, grabbing his wrist before he can sit astride his horse. Jace inhales sharply, raising his chin and straightening his shoulders, refusing to turn around until she forces him to. When she sees the expression on his faceâthe tears wetting his eyes, and the way his lips tremble faintlyâfury drains into concern. Her voice softens immediately, hand rising to cradle his face as she asks quietly, "Jacaerys, what's wrong, sweet boy? What has happened?"
Jace swallows thickly, gaze averting up to the sky as he desperately tries to swallow the lump in his throat. He shakes his head once, but his mother is persistent, tilting her head, lips pursed as she waits for an answer.
"I cannot find her," he finally admits, and he hates how small his voice sounds. Rhaenyra's brows draw together, confused.
"Who?" she asks, and Jace gives her a look that makes the question unnecessary. Understanding flickers across her face. "I am sure she is just busy with the twins, Jacaerys. Iâ"
"She said she would speak with me in the morning," he continues, words coming faster. "She promised me, and I have looked everywhere, and she is nowhere, and I thinkâ" His voice cracks. His lashes flutter as he forces himself to stop and swallow, clearing his throat. "I think I have done something terrible."
"Jaceâ"
"I should not have pushed her." His eyes squeeze shut. "I should have left things as they were. Everything was finally right between us again, and I ruined it."
His mother stares at him, concern deepening into confusion. "Jacaerys, what exactly did you do?"
Jace stares at his mother helplessly. He cannot very well stand in the middle of the courtyard and confess that he spent half the night with his mouth pressed to his married aunt's cunt while Daemon, his brothers, cousins, and half a dozen stable boys stand within earshot. Rhaenyra's brows furrow slowly, glancing at him once before her gaze draws back to the direction of the keep, a calculating expression on her face.
"It does not matter," he rushes out before she can put two and two together. "It does not matter. I justâI need to speak with her."
Rhaenyra studies him for another long moment, and Jace struggles not to squirm beneath her scrutiny, afraid she can see everything that he had done with you the night before. At last, she finally says, "Then come back with me."
Jace blinks. "What?"
"We will see the others safely to Dragonstone, and then you and I can return on dragonback. If you are so desperate to speak with her, I see no reason you cannot."
Relief loosens the tension in his shoulders. It is not idealâhe had wanted to speak with you this morning, had spent hours imagining exactly what he might say, loathes the idea of not knowing what terms the two of you are on for days on endâbut at least he does not have to return to Dragonstone wondering when he might see you again.
"Yes, thatâ" he starts to say, voice catching. "I would like that."
Rhaenyra gives his cheek an affectionate pat before releasing him, turning to make her way toward the carriage.
"Mother," he calls after a moment, and she pauses. Jace hesitates, remembering what you had told him to ask in passing the night before. Jace shifts awkwardly on his feet, feeling strangely foolish now that he has to ask. "What did muña do when she first saw me?" His mother's eyes narrow, and Jace is flustered, feeling as though he needs to explain the sudden question. He defends, "She told me to ask."
Understanding dawns across Rhaenyra's face, and then she immediately starts to laugh, hand lifting to her mouth to stifle her giggles. Jace flushes the longer she laughs and does not answer, fighting a scowl.
"She wailed," his mother finally says through her a sigh as she calms her laughter. "Quite inconsolably, actually."
Jace stares at her, unsure how this was supposed to make him feel better. "She cried?"
Rhaenyra hums in agreement, and Jace's face falls. She notices immediately and gives him a small, fond smile, tucking a dark curl behind his ear.
"Sweet boy, not because she was disappointed. When I put you in her arms the first time, she refused to let you go. I, too, thought something was wrong at first, because she wept so hard that I could hardly get her to answer me when I asked her why she was crying. Finally, she told me that you were perfectâ" Jace's throat bobs terribly, and Rhaenyra tilts her head slightly as she cradles his face again "âher exact words, mind you. Then she asked quite sweetly if she might keep you."
"Keep me?" Jace echoes.
"You must understand, she was very young." Rhaenyra laughs again, hand dropping from his face to adjust Viserys against her shoulder. "She seemed to believe that because I had made you, I could simply make another if I wished. I spent the better part of an afternoon explaining that you were my firstborn son and heir, and no, she could not keep you merely because she asked so sweetly."
Jace cannot help the smile slowly spreading across his face.
"That did not discourage her, of course, spoiled little thing. She does hate being told no. She asked for you again on her next nameday, and the one after that, if memory serves. Every year for quite some time." Jace's ears burn as he flushes and looks away. His mother reaches out to hold his hand gently. He wonders if she understands what prompted you to tell him to ask this, because she gives him a soft smile and says, "She loved everything about you, but your eyes were always her favorite. She used to hold you in the sunlight because she swore they looked like pools of honey when the sun caught them right. I had to tell her to stop more than once. She would have kept you there all afternoon if I let her, and I was afraid the sun would burn you if you were kept out there too long."
"Oh," Jace says quietly, swallowing thickly as he stares down at the ground.
Her expression softens, more serious now as she tells him, "You know, she was lonely before you were born, Jacaerys."
His smile fades slightly, gaze lifting to meet hers. His mother has mentioned this before in passing when he was younger, but never elaborated on it, simply sent him off to go spend time with you.
"I tried to be there for her. I loved her dearly, but I was fourteen years her elder. By the time she was old enough to want someone to play with, I had already grown beyond such things and had courtly duties to attend to." Rhaenyra looks toward the keep, something wistful passing over her face. "She tried to befriend Aegon when she was youngâ" Jace's expression twists at the mention of your husband. "âbut Alicentâthe Queenâkept her children away from me and mine, and your muña was always lumped in with us. Sometimes I would find her watching the other noble children in the garden and training yard. They would be running about together, playing their games, and she would simply stand at the edge and watch them."
Jace swallows thickly, voice hoarser than he intends as he asks quietly, "Why didn't she join them?"
"I do not know," Rhaenyra admits. "Perhaps she did not know how. Perhaps she was scared. She was always a little apart from everyone else. You know well that she had her own whispers following her. Many thought she wasâ" A bitter expression crosses his mother's face. "âthought she was cursed because of the manner she came into this world. The manner in which she claimed her dragon only made people believe it more."
Jace chews the inside of his cheek, chest aching at the thought of you younger, smaller, standing alone as you watched other children laugh together. He cannot imagine it.
For as long as he could remember, you have always been bright smiles and pretty laughter, the difference between a perfect day and a ruined one. He cannot stand the idea of you small and alone, desperate for friends but unable to make any. He thinks of the dulled look on your face as you entered the throne room, the emptiness in your eyes when you first arrived to supperâworst of all, the distant one you wore last night before he left.
He has ruined everything.
"So when you were born," Rhaenyra continues, looking back at him with a small smile. "I was happy for more reasons than one. I had my sweet son, and she finally had someone who belonged to her as much as she belonged to him. I knew that once you were old enough to toddle about after her, neither of you would ever truly be alone."
Jace swallows around the sudden tightness in his throat, head hanging forward slightly. Tears sting at the corner of his eyes again, and he blinks them away before his mother can notice.
"Jacaerys," his mother says quietly, beckoning him to look at her. He lifts his head reluctantly, eyes heavy. "Whatever happened between the two of you, she has loved you from the moment she first laid eyes upon you. There is nothing in this world that will change that."
Except she does not know that, Jace wants to say, fists curling at his side. What if last night had cost him the one thing he had spent eight years desperate to have back? What if, in his selfish desire to have more of you, he had destroyed the chance to simply have you at all? What ifâ
"She really asked you to give me to her?" he asks instead, voice rough as he tries to joke to change the subject, hoping that his mother does not see the doubt swirling in his eyes.
He thinks she does, because her smile is a bit sadder as she says, "Repeatedly."
"What did you tell her?"
"That she could borrow you." Rhaenyra laughs softly, reaching up to brush an errant curl from his forehead. "I'm afraid she never did learn to give you back. Come, sweet boy, it is time for us to bring your brothers and cousins home. We will return on dragonback soon after."
ââââââââââââ
"What is the meaning of this?" you demand, slamming your fists against the doors to your chambers. "Ser Steffonâwho is out there? Let me out this instant, you mongrels, I will feed you to my dragon if you do not unbar my chambers immediately."
You had woken late to find your doors barred from the outside and Ser Steffon conspicuously absent from his post. At first, you had assumed some drunken foolishness on Aegon's partâa poorly conceived jest that you would make your half-brother regret the moment you were freeâbut nearly an hour has passed, and no one will answer you.
You pace the length of your room, agitated, furious, terrified. Something is terribly wrong.
Had they figured out what you had done with Jacaerys? Were they locking you in your chambers so you might not flee before they bring you before the High Septon to humiliate you? You would not put it past themâAlicent has always held a particular disdain toward you, and you have been at odds with the Faith ever since the septons tried to convince thirteen-year-old Aegon to let the maesters cut you open to save the twins.
No, if they knew what happened, there would be much more noise. It is the silence that is unsettling. The Red Keep is never silent in the afternoon. You should hear servants rushing through the corridors, bringing meals to the lords who do not wish to leave their chambers, guards changing their watch, absent chatter and laughter. But there is nothing.
"Aegon," you call loudly, slamming your fist against the door, because he had not come by with the twins this morning either. He always comes by with the twins. "Who is out there? Answer me now!"
You press your ear to the door. For several heartbeats, you hear nothing. Then, there is the faint scrape of armor shifting beyond the door, and you tilt your head to the side, stilling as your focus narrows in on the sound.
"I can hear you," you say, voice dropping dangerously low. "Open the door immediately, and I might grant you the privilege of choosing how you are going to die."
"Forgive me, princess. I cannot open the door."
The voice is unfamiliar. Your stomach drops. What is happening? Fear curdles low in your stomach, skin itchy with anxiety. Your gaze flicks from the heavy door to the bars on your windowâyour apartments are too high to climb from, and there is no way for ZĆ«gaxes to free you lest risking bringing the entire tower down with you in it.
"Where is Ser Steffon?" you demand. "Who are you? Where are my sister and my nephews? Where are my children?"
Where are Maegor and Maegelle? Where are Jacaerys and Lucerys? Rhaenyra, Daemon, everyone else? What is happening? Why are you locked in?
"Your children are safe, princess," the guard says simply.
"Where are they?"
"I have been instructed only to assure you that Prince Maegor and Princess Maegelle are unharmed."
What? Unharmed? Why would they be harmed?
"Instructed by whom?" you hiss, only to be met with more silence. You strike the door again, fury beginning to overwhelm your fear. "Where is my husband? Answer me, you worthless dog!"
"I cannot say."
"My sister?"
Your heart begins to hammer when the guard does not respond. Rhaenyra and the boys were supposed to leave for Dragonstone at dawnâJacaerys was supposed to leave with her.
Jacaerys, who would be waiting for you. Jacaerys, who you had watched leave your chambers only with the assurance that when the sun rose, the two of you would speak about what had transpired between you and what in the Seven Hells you intended to do next. Jacaerys, who would undoubtedly assume the worst when you did not show.
Your stomach twists as you imagine him waiting somewhere for you, watching the hours pass with no sign of your arrival. You know exactly where his mind will go. He will convince himself that you regret everything that happened between you, that you had woken sober and ashamed and had broken your promise because you could not bear to face him after what you had allowed him to do.
He will think he had done something wrong. The thought makes panic claw at your throat. You slam your fist against the door again, and again, and again, tears of frustration pricking at your eyes.
He had been so uncertain when he left you. He had searched your face for reassurance, and his confidence crumbled the moment you told him the two of you must wait until morning to speak. You should not have sent him away. You do not even know why you sent him away. You had just beenâyou had been scared.
You had been scared for what you'd done, of what you'd allowed him to do, of how easily you'd forgotten everything else as soon as his mouth was on yoursâyour husband, children, his mother, the realm. Every consequence that should have been enough to make you push him away had disappeared the moment he touched you, and you'd been terrified of how desperately some part of you had wanted him to stay.
When he offered to remain in King's Landing with you, some reckless part of you had wanted to say yes before he even finished speaking. You'd wanted to pull him into your bed and keep him there until morning, consequences be damned. For one night, you had wanted to forget that you were Aegon's wife, that you have been alone, desperately trying not to drown for a decade, that war was most likely on the horizon and your children would be at the center of it.
So, you had sent him away and told yourself that morning would make everything clearer. Instead, morning has come and gone, and Jacaerys is somewhere far beyond these walls believing you had abandoned him again.
What is happening? Why are you locked in your rooms?
"Let me out," you demand, voice rising, furious, slamming your fists against your door again and again and again. "Let me out! Let me out, let me out, let me out!"
Halfway across the Blackwater, Jace startles from the deck of the ship, head lifting and turning back in the direction of King's Landing as ZĆ«gaxes's distant roar carries over the water. He stares at the distant silhouette of the city, unease prickling along the back of his neck and cannot help but feel as though he has made a terrible mistake by getting on this ship.
iâm a little worried but lowk mostly excited. milly alcock is continuing on melissa benoists legacy of making kara a dorky butch so Iâm Excited even if itâs gonna suck
nothing on this god's green earth can convince me that peter parker doesn't have an ao3 account where he is elbows deep in a 'rise of skywalker' fix-it fic. like, fully invested in it, been writing it pre-spider bite with ned, who is just as enthusiastic about it. but the thing is, it's really hard to do updates when you are literally spider-man.
every three months he'll post and in the author's note there's some shit like "sorry this took a while, i got shot seven times :/" or "i know it's been a minute, i literally got hit by a bus and then stabbed in the leg, but i'm all good!" or sometimes ned would log in and post with a note "hey i'm a friend posting on the author's behalf, they're healing from severe hypothermia but promised an update, so here it is!"
and the fic just gets increasingly more popular for the author notes alone. a good handful of the comments are something along the lines of "i'm not even in the star wars fandom, i'm just here to see if the author is good" or "every update i cheer for another day the author gets to live at this point"
and any reader who is a native new yorker kind of pieces together that holy shit the author might be spider-man because the timeline adds up, and they just fully embrace it. spider-man will stop a robbery and the guy behind the counter will ask when the next chapter will be up. spider-man returns a stolen backpack to a girl and she'll tell him that he "really got poe's voice down so well, it's really impressive."
ned thinks it is hilarious. mj finds out about the fic from twitter, to peter's absolute horror, and changes peter's contact name to "friendly neighborhood ao3 author". but the worst thing to happen is after an avengers battle where peter took a pretty big hit and ends up in med-bay. and during a press conference, when someone asks how spider-man is healing, tony just drops "spidey won't be down for too long. the star wars fic will be updated within the week, probably."
ao3 goes down for two days.
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