I wanted to post this on facebook, but I couldn’t get myself to finish writing it, though I didn’t want to remove it altogether either, so I’m keeping here for myself.
It's really difficult to wrap my head around life. When you're happy, time flies. When you're sad, time stretches on and on.
I'm with mixed feelings, and yet they still mirror the same emotion- grief.
It seems like life tends to throw both things that happen to me personally, as well as to a family member whereby they walk hand in hand, which always turns such instances into unmanageable grief. And then there's a confusion of what to do, how to feel and what to think. Whether the emotions I'm feeling should be more or less intense, and what to do after a set amount of time- if there even is a set amount of time for such things.
2009 was when the pressure of the HSC loomed over me, and was also the time I saw my mum at her weakest- remembering and hearing just how defeated she was after having to hear that her father had passed. I wasn't able to say one last good bye as my parents decided it was best I continue with my studies to better my future, because my life has to go on. I still remember being on a computer at lunch while mum dropped off some food for me before her flight- strangers in the room watching and wondering why there was such a sombre mood. I was 17 and up until then, no one close to me had passed away and I didn't know how to feel. I didn't cry, but I felt numb and confused. I'd remember the silly things I did with my grandpa, and yet I also had to remember to stay focused with work as the trials were coming up. I needed to do good to make my mum proud because if I fell, that would be more grief for my future, after her personal loss.
2011 was when I was working on my exhibition piece for uni. I'd already known during the months leading up to this, that things weren't going well for my maternal grandma. Mum was overseas with her for weeks while my sister and I was home in Sydney. It was difficult because I was creating a piece which represented me- something to personal, something so visually striking. It encompassed a core piece of what I'd been struggling with for years, and I was tossing up between 2 songs to use for the piece. Nearing the end, I settled on one which ironically encompassed how I felt when, just a few days before the exhibition and the night I was at home finishing up my piece. The phone rang. My sister answered. She messaged me online to come downstairs and I had to hear the words I never ever wanted to hear- that we'd lost my grandma. It was like my heart was cut out and thrown off a cliff. My body was weak and I didn't know what to do. And yet again, I had to still try and get my work done and submitted. After making sure my assignment was complete and ready for printing, I couldn't sleep that night. I had to get everything done at uni the next day- submit the assignment early and tell me tutor why. Then head to my course's director asking for an extension on my essay, and tell him why. I couldn't keep a straight face. Having to tell (basically) a stranger, and hearing myself say the words "I have to fly back to Indonesia because my grandma has passed away" is something I could barely get out without bawling. I was proud of the work I put out, but it's also something I couldn't enjoy. But really, there was absolutely no way I could miss saying good bye to the number one person in my life.
And now 2017's come around and I'm stuck with these overwhelming emotions of grief, only this time it's grief for 2 people, rather than grief + stress for something else. After finding that my paternal grandpa had lung cancer, we went back to Malaysia to visit- knowing it was could very possibly be the last time, and yet also to try and celebrate him and his wife's wedding anniversary. The feelings of grief I have both back in November and now, is a mix of losing my grandpa, and also for where I'm personally at. Fighting to keep somebody in my life who's had a terrible track record, and also worrying for my grandpa. And it's always a difficult thing when things happen to you directly. Arguments, lies, manipulation, abuse and deception had me so mentally exhausted, it was difficult to feel more- to hope more. I was worried for how my dad must be taking things, but I was also worried about my future and losing this person from my life. I feel horrible because this person is someone I loved whole heartedly, yet I was proven over and over that I was just a piece in a sick game. I still don't know the truth. And that thought is constantly running through my mind while the grief of my grandpa makes its way in and reality strikes. I wasn't as close to my grandpa as I would have liked to have been.
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