Dear Dreamer: you can choose to not be a martyr.
As a black woman, I have been taught, both explicitly and through movies, tv shows and music, that main purpose is to carry the ‘community’ on my back.
There’s a status quo and a hierarchy that is not to be messed with and black women are at the bottom, forever regulated to carrying and fixing the issues of everyone else on our small shoulders.
We’re eternal martyrs.
Scorned and belittled by the very community who demands our labour, disrespected by the world at large and it seems like the only way we can get even a crumb of respect is in death.
Even that is not a guarantee.
We are not to change, not to grow, not to evolve, to relax, to truly pursue the things that make us happy.
I distinctly remember when I first got my job and realised that if I was wise with my money, and I could purchase a home, in London, by myself, before I turned thirty.
It was an exhilarating feeling.
I wanted to share it.
I went to my aunt, full of joy at the prospect that finally, finally, there was light at the end of the tunnel. I would be able to work hard and leave the dangerous, dilapidated neighbourhood home of my youth and get on the property ladder.
I would have peace and security for the first time in my life. I would be the first homeowner in my immediate family, hopefully paving the way for my younger cousins. I was so optimistic and so elated.
She told me to stop being selfish.
“If you’re going to save that much money, put it to a good cause, don’t spend it on yourself. You can use that kind of money to put your cousins (yes, these cousins are male btw) through school or something meaningful .”
It broke my heart and also woke me up. I realised, that all my life, I had been expected to sacrifice. All my wants, needs and desires had taken the back seat, since I was a child.
And this was deemed acceptable by the culture around me. The concept of “wanting more” for myself seemed revolutionary in my mind. I couldn’t believe my own audacity.
I decided, then, that I had had enough. I was going to persue the life of my dreams, and be as ‘selfish’ as I pleased.
People who have an interest in keeping you down will always discourage you from moving forward.
But I want you to ponder this: when you die and your life flashes before your eyes, will you be happy with what you see?
I know what I want to see when that time comes. I have chosen to not be a martyr. I want to live as happy as I can be.
I’m not strong enough to carry the world on my back and I don’t want to.
I want a soft, gentle, luxurious life.
I am unashamed and unapologetic about it.
Don’t allow anyone or anything to drag you way from the life you deserve.
with love in my heart, khadeajia
Pictures are sourced from pinterest
ig/twitter/tiktok: @bykhadeajia
