Haiku, reminiscing, and Nostalgia

Haiku Poems, reflections on life, and nostalgia

[russianteaforone]

What was Chemo like ?

It's like being locked in a room with a bunch of other people all doing the same thing, while not wanting to do that thing. Does it hurt, maybe. I had an allergic reaction while on the second round of Cancer drugs. That's ok more steroids and more Benadryl! Shout out to the nurses for moving so quickly. I am on three Chemo drugs, Carboplatin, Taxol, and Keytruda. Then in a separate bag is steroids, nausea meds x 2, Benadryl, and Pepcid. The bags just drain into your port and you sit there for about 6 hours just hanging out. I am one of the people who get loopy and sleepy with Benadryl. Then you get the crash out, as I call it. I didn't really remember what I did after Friday. I am not quite 1 week shy of my first infusion. I am trying to understand what the purpose is of myself during these times of infusion and post infusion. I guess now is the time for me to become a social media darling.

[russianteaforone]

this is me First Chemotherapies done. But not without struggles.

first photo(on left top) me using the bathroom for the fifth time that day. Dedicated to hydration. Must get slippers or grippy socks. Right top photos, my sixth infusion bag. After the first two I had an allergic reaction. Everyone came running over including the PA/NP and they stopped everything. Pumped me full of steroids and more Benadryl and we were good. Last photo, view from my window. It's Sprummer in SC so it's going to be hot. Gonna need some tube tops.

[russianteaforone]

20 years ago pics of me :

Pics of me in the last year :

[russianteaforone]

I can't imagine I was/am still single

I had a propensity to mock men who I thought deserved it. I am sure he came on too strong and wanted to do whatever men want to do with 21 or 23 year olds. I am sure I was looking for a great time, and good conversation. Which is why I responded in such fashion. Also this is pre-Portlandia, so the over use of the word hipster had not reached it's crescendo. I had some knowledge of the word Hipster, and I was using the 30s-60's of Hipster. Specifically white people adopting black culture. Which my use was just trying to be way cooler and trying way too hard to be something more than you are. Which is actually a running theme in my life; fake it till you make it. How The Three Stooges worked into the conversation I don't know. YOU GUYS I finally figured out which Bone Palace Ballet I was referring to: The collection of Charles Bukowski's poems Bone Palace Ballet. Not the musical group Chiodos. I apologize. I appreciate my terrible memory.

Me: a neo hipster, an overeducated, overwealthy kid who's all flash and no fire. People that have books on the wall but don't read them? You know the kids that talk about music, but don't listen to music. You don't watch the three stooges, I guess I heard that a lot growing up.

[russianteaforone]

Bone Palace Ballet

I tried really hard to connect with other people, men on Craig's List about indie music and or alternative music. This is pre ho-hey stomp clap music. But I was having a conversation about finding people who knew who/what the album the band/the person that is Bone Palace Ballet. Here is one conversation :

ME: oedipal, but nothings grosser than a girl that thinks she has to compete with her mother to get her fathers attention

Matt Halperin wrote: Which is worse, a Napoleon complex or and Oedipal complex? No, but working on it. --Matt Cara Berk wrote: An obscenly large tv, that wouldn't have anything to do with yournapoleon complex would it.. did you figure out what bone palace ballet is ? We had another correspondence about books, and music. But I don't think it went very far from there. I wanted to connect with someone over music, books, and each other. Still Looking.

[russianteaforone]

Well go (mini)figure ... Do you remember Live Journal ? My Space?

This lovely man wrote me this long form response to a Craig's List personal I created; it was entitled "Looking for a Reader" 22 His response was a bit much and overwhelming. I was doing this two fold, one looking for book recommendations, and also hooking up. "a burgess is first named anthony and he penned a clockwork orange prior to the big screen possessing it....due to some arse face at the american publishing company for the book, the movie is based off the first edition books which were missing the 21st or final chapter which changes the meaning of it all....simply because he felt it would not sell due to the masses not thinking life would change by itself to what it was supposed to be....c'est la vie.....though you might enjoy the complete enderby which was also penned by burgess and is all about his alternate personality....or you could read some jurt vonnegut jr. and meet his alter ego named kilgore trout....mmmmm....breakfast of champions....as for pics and what not...i recall you metioned myspace....i perchance to have that with pics of me whilest unemployed.....www.myspace.com/mauzdeadalive.....i also keep up with posting on a blog on there as well....though you could also read my word and check out my bukowski icon at www.spiritoi81.livejournal.com......ramble rant and rave....viddy well malenky devotchka" Live Journal Kids, it was the precursor to whatever this is. (Tumblr) I think its an interesting transition from myspace, to facebook, to livejournal to tumblr to ???? I don't know what we are doing anymore.

[russianteaforone]

But what about early internet weirdos?

Well they existed back then just as much as the exist today. But they had to write their thoughts etc out. It was a lot. This was from a personal ad that I created to encourage voting. It was entitled, "LETS Vote - 22 (F4M) Hi Cara: Thank you so very much for writing. Yes I do vote, to answer your question. My ballot is sitting right in front of me. I am registered Green. (Green Party over Republican or Democrat) Why?  I have been in the Unions, both the Laborers and Teamsters. They always talk about a negotiated contract, which is really just the rates they set. Both unions are really just lining the pockets of a few. Employers/contractors hire whoever they want, usually their friends, sons, daughters. Therefore, the unions really only benefit the owners of these businesses and their friends. Others, like myself, end up injured through the deliberate actions of these people. Republicans have generally become just like their union counterparts. They fight for the benefits of a few and their sons and daughters. In the past, I did not vote for President in 1996. (Bill Clinton D, Bob Dole R, and Ross Perot) I was involved in the 1992 Iowa Caucuses, which are a joke, by the way. I used to work with Senator Harkin's Brother at the State of Iowa Office of Bridges and Structures. He was the state of Iowa Structural Engineer. I have met Obama and a few others. I have written to Wu (David Wu Senator from the state of Oregon.) many times and Kulongowski (Ted Kulongoski D Oregon Governor 03-11). We can always meet for tea/coffee and chat I, of course, am buying. How does Washington Square sound? (Large mall in Tigard Oregon) It's big, open and safe. I can even buy lunch. I encourage you to make the best decisions for you. Aloha, Franklin Yep it's not exactly the worst one I have had but there is a lot of stuff going on in there. I am so incredibly naive still to this day that if this person said he worked with the Iowa Caucus, met Obama, and etc then I will 1000000% believe it. I would like to think that maybe I see the best in people. But in reality, I just want someone to pay attention to me.

[russianteaforone]

I guess we never really connected

I was and am extremely self conscious about how I look. I hated wearing glasses, I looked in 2006 almost 10 years younger than actually 22. I would get 15/16/17 a lot, ok not 10 years but they would still bring out the children's menu. I wore t-shirts, jeans and sneakers. I didn't and don't wear make-up. I have called myself a plain Jane many times. This was a response to my personal ad "Help Me Forget" Him :

Help you forget?  Well, there are lots of ways to do that but they involve all sorts of substances.  Not gonna help that way, sorry.  I DO have a great ear and I have a genuine desire to help people.  Are you a gamer?  Sunday is Xbox day at my house.  Beer and pizza, good friends and a lot of shit talking!    Do you hike?  I love hiking and take people with me as often as I can.  Just need a place to hang out and relax?  That's my house for my friends, why not one more? 

I'm 32, got a 24 year old tenant/friend and 2 cats.  I drive fast, listen to music loud.  I listen to everything from Enya to Nine Inch Nails.  Somewhere in the middle of all of that is hip-hop and r&b... go figure.  Anyway, your post seems really sad and I HATE sadness...  It hurts.  Every time I hear about or see someone in pain, I have to do something to bring a smile to their face. That moment makes a difference!  So, pick my brain.  Give me an email back if you want to hang out some time and just do something different.

Cheer up chica,

David Me :

Honestly if I saw that face, and I was 32 I would run in the opposite direction. I don't even look 20. But there I was in all my nerdy glory.

[russianteaforone]

When you posted a personal Ad you would have to come up with a punchy, attractive, headline

TW Contains discussion of male parts, hatred of exs , and terrible grammar.

I remember towards the end of 2006, and I wasn't where I wanted to be in my life at that time. But I was also going to University, working and 22 years old. I was also living by myself. But I was lonely, my grandfather had died in 2005. I didn't have many friends or community in my life at the time. I was a very young person at Marylhurst University, most my classmates were old enough to be my mother. My personal ad was titled: Help me forget. This was a response that I received from a man: Him : No one can run forever. Use your experences to be a stronger person. Not what you had in mind for a total stranger, I know. I am going through a terrible devorce. I have been tossed out in the cold. I miss my son, and my cats. Strange as that sounds. It is true. email if you need to talk more. i understand. Thomas Me : I love talking sorry your ex's a bitch.. Well everyone can be a bitch .. I run as far and as fast as i can. I am as strong as i can be.. I feel like I am granite, f/ing inpenatrable granite. I think the half nudey wang doodle picture blur of a picture is funny and makes me desperatly want to take you seriously So I don't think this conversation made it very far. I am not really good at grammar, punctuation, and coherency. I need to work on it still.

[russianteaforone]

OMG I found a photo of a guy who responded to my personal ad

Him : Interested, are you? Me Well in several things, I guess. maybe not the same as you.. Girl What ??? Who knows what could have come from this.

[russianteaforone]

How to turn a man down, 2000s style

This was a response to a man, trying to get to know me I assume. I so desperately wanted to be a writer. I wanted to tell people things, share things, speak things that had never been heard before. I wanted to be a writer. But I wasn't.

Well you said something about you know wanting to know more about me, so I told you what the basics were. Of course I could focus on one happy thought and inspire from it. But lately there seems nothing happy, and things that make me happy, are letting me down maddeningly. Of course if I continued to change my thoughts I won't fester so much on the bad ones. 

How did you find that to be a negative thing. It's true actually, you shouldn't ask questions that you don't really want answered.  You asked boring questions you got boring answers 

[russianteaforone]

Are you ready for another chat?

I wonder what it would have been like to experience a full relationship with some of these men I talked to. I wanted to be my own woman, not beholden by any man or woman. I wanted to excel at school. I wanted to be better than my family. I didn't know how to deal with a relationship. I still don't know how relationships work. Him: i suppose I should not bother you then..what subject? me: eat some dinner me: fine just trying to work on home work HIM: ? Him: how are U/ me: hello Him: hi Him: got it me: already read me: for my writing class, II am writing papers, on papers or reading selections I have done one: what is teh topic? me: you know, Him: what class? me: it's a paper, you know.. one: for a class? me: I am writing papers, to write papers, I guess I have to do it, what the hell .. me: awesome HIm: sure did...5am to 1pm me: did you work today me: oh okay Him: catching up on email and stuff..nothing important me: So what are you doing ? me: writing papers, on reading papers Him: FUN! me: Yeah papers, reading papers me: okay thanks Him: no...just not wanting to get in yoru way of homework me: oh sorry Him: you better do you homework before I get tempted to distract you for too long Him: finish and then we will celebrate me: tomorrow or something maybe today Him: when is it due? So while I was writing papers and eating and working, conversations were going on.

[russianteaforone]

Craigslist WTF part 4

Did you know that you could Chat on GMAIL back in the early days. Did you know that gmail would keep a copy and email you that conversation? This is from 12/17/2007. I am 23, and I am trying to meet up for reasons maybe to hang out maybe for more???? Anyway

me: okay gotcha on the phone number I will call in five HIM: IM AT A BUS STOP ON POWELL AVE HIM: MY BATTERY ON MY LAPTOP IS GOING TO DIE SOON TOO HIM: NO ISOLD IT AND RENTED MY OWN PLACE NOW WELL WITH A ROOMMATE HIM: 5XX 8XX 6XXX AND ITS A PREPAID SO I HAVE TO BE BRIEF me: ? me: did you lose your car me: what number ? HIM: I AM WAITING FOR THE #70 BUS TO MILWAUKIE AND I DONT HAVE VERY MUCH INTERNET TIME SO IF U WANT TO TALK JUST CALL. HIM: I GUESS U ARE PRETTY BUSY? This was the conversation, at that time I didn't drive and was using the Trimet system in Portland Oregon. It was very common to say a route number and people would understand the location etc. I don't know if we ever met up or "hung out". Also pre paid cell phones were a thing and you had so many "minutes" of call time on the phone. So then you would have to "top up" the minutes. Another thing about Portland is that most people and is still the case usually lived with roommates, at times 4 or 5 roommates. Also the chat function was only available when you had your gmail email open. Once you were off the computer it was over. So the conversation wouldn't carry over to the phone. Also when texting on your phone you were using a key pad. Nobody could afford Blackberries.

[russianteaforone]

Another chat transcript !

During this time I was working at Rite Aid developing film and as a cashier, also I was working on getting my degree. I was a student at Marylhurst University. This is from December of 2007. I graduated with like 30 K in debt that in 19 years has doubled and a half. Do I use my degree, not under any circumstances. Do I still love film, and film developing - yes. If I still live in the PNW I would get my MFA in Photography and I don't know social work. But that wasn't my future. one: finals over yet? me: yeah i don't party one: good for you...so now you have time to party and all? me: yeah one: ? me: erm one: party can simply mean take out and a movie one: lol one: not too well...just started chatting and have never met me: each me: sure how do we know one: name is JIm me: sure who are you one: do you wanna grab a bite sometime? me: work one: just work and that is about it...and you? me: week me: So what are you doing this weej me: I mean I have never seen your picture one: if that is too scary for you i understand me: okay I don't know if we ever met or if we ever "connected". I know for certain that I did not want to be in a dating relationship and I know for certain I don't want to be married.

[russianteaforone]

https://gofund.me/9f97905f3

Hello FRIENDS and welcome to my fundraiser! Please consider supporting me and my son during this time of uncertainty. Heaven knows we are all in a time of uncertainty.

[russianteaforone]

Then it would go from email to chat:

You know, people are all over the internet these days, posting videos of themselves multiple times a day. Parents creating accounts for children to publicly post videos. In 2007 that was not the way it worked. Phone calls, and chat or messenger services. Think like aol messenger, or MSN messenger, gmail chat. But again you had to be in front of your computer/laptop the ENTIRE time you were chatting. Here is another saved transcript from that time. TW We are discussing adult sexual themes. Definitely not sexting. ALSO Double entendres.

me: up and cut it off when I was 16 me: long down to my bottom, and then I gave Mediocre: Don't like the color? me: pale pale blonde hair Mediocre: I wish I had a fro sometimes.. but only if it was for like a day.. me: no fro hair Mediocre: Ah, fro hair.. me: because it was growing up as a child, and then i became an adult Mediocre: Why isn't your hair long then? Mediocre: Yeah, it sucks. me: well you know and that me: :-o Mediocre: Having long, beautiful hair that makes all the girls jealous? me: it can't be that bad Mediocre: Please help. Mediocre: I don't know what it cam means. Mediocre: International Terrorist Cells Annual Membership? me: what it can't be that bad Mediocre: I.T.C.A.M? me: yeah Mediocre: Itcam? Mediocre: It cam? me: It cam Mediocre: It was a compliment dear.. me: leaf me alone Mediocre: Bottom.. haha.. that's precious.. Mediocre: Why tell me that? me: by the way it's tuesday me: right back atcha big guy Mediocre: Good day. me: pretty much plus I need to clean off my bed, I want to take a nap Mediocre: Any excuse to leave the computer then.. me: do my house work ? me: um maybe I should Mediocre: Liar. Mediocre: Then why do you keep talking to me? me: umm maybe to give you hope ? me: yes i do Mediocre: You don't know what you're missin.. me: probably not with a pot smoking long haired no jobbed art bear Mediocre: So you wanna make out or what? Mediocre: Still plenty of time.. me: cause it's not wednesday so I have to go to work at four pm Mediocre: Why tell me it's Tuesday? me: what was that ? me: who said anything about spanking and making out, how does that happen Mediocre: Why not? me: You can't spank Mediocre: What if I spank? Mediocre: Then don't put the beard in my mouth.. it's not normally a part of kissing.. me: I don't want to get my teeth tangled in your beard Mediocre: You must be.. me: I must be doing my laundry Mediocre: You say that now.. me: Sorry I don't want to get tangled up in it Mediocre: You're the one who brought it up, you tell me. me: nope Mediocre: Because you like being scared some? me: ah why would i bite your beard your man hair scares me Mediocre: You brought it up with your beard in the teeth comment.. you just can't stop thinking about it.. I think more than anything this was a conversation full of double entendres. Which are my favorite entendre.

[russianteaforone]

WTF Craigslist Vol 3 There are so many AOL email addresses in 2006. At the time I was using ethernet and an old school wifi card. You had to manually install or remove the wifi card depending on the connection. This exchange is from 2006 also :

Him : yes I have a pic but letme tell you what I look like.36y/o brown man 5'8" 150lb short hair.How about you ?I would like to see your pic first

Me : You aren't tall enough I am looking for someone like 6 four or 6 2

That's right I was looking for someone 6'2" to 6'4" (my previous partner was 6'4", I am five foot and 1 inch) Reference Photo of 22 year old me in 2006.

I had super high (and probably still do) standards back 20 years ago. If you didn't know what a wifi card was here is that :