Rusty

Short stories and poems, posted here in hopes to provoke feelings

[rustyrisque]

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[rustyrisque]

A letter to my past self

And to them.

I don’t know why I was so wrapped up in keeping together a relationship that was bound to crumble. I, 6 years later, even in another relationship still think of you and hope you are okay and getting help.

Now to her, the ex, the girl I spent so long comparing myself too, unhinged and obsessed, I apologise, your beauty is not my failings, you had a hold on his heart, I still believe you do even now. I’d like to think in a modern day, we might’ve been friends and I hate thinking about how I tried to rip you apart and the friendship you and him had.

To his next, I think you should realise you are modern version of his ex. Her name is Jade, your name is Eliza. I don’t think you or her are to blame.

It’s his comfortability, the days he had with you were his happiest. He’s had a rough childhood, I think the years spent with his buddies and smoking j’s with you, inevitably saved him. I’d like to thankyou for that because I mightn’t of had him in my life.

He’s got a good heart but a shit out of luck start in family, I hope when he has a family of his own, maybe he finds his way back to Jade or even has beautiful children with Eliza because either way, I think he deserves happiness, in anyway that he can.

I know, none of you will ever see this, this is a shout into a void.

I am so in love with Iain and I overthink and sometimes all my regrets bottled up, just hits me when I’m about to go to sleep.

I don’t want to hold this, not anymore.

I let go, completely.

I hope you are all happy, safe and getting that love for yourself and others constantly. I understand you are all pessimistic in a way and guarded, I could be partly to blame for that, for my brash ways but I really hope you let people in and dismantle the shit your parents put on you.

Goodbye and goodluck.

To D, I’m sorry about your dad, I hope you got closure, from him and your brother.

[rustyrisque]

Living in technicolor

An expressive funky look, paying homage to the person I’ve become and showcasing it through my art and appearance;

“ Happier are the days where you stop caring and just be “

[rustyrisque]

These societal constraints are exhausting, work 9-5, the honest way of life. Dolly Parton paints it best.

Slimy hand pats on your back, you’re doing such a good “job” they’d say, I cringe internally always.

bare your soul out to consumerism as that’s what you’ve been taught to do

But when will we realise, we are much closer to homelessness than we are ever to living comfortably, and in fact the time we possibly can, we’ll be old and sour, our youth was predestined for us, can any say they’ve lived the life they really wanted to at their death bed

I am tired of the higher up “oh we mustn’t do that! We’ll get in trouble”

Fuck you my middle name is trouble lay it out on me, I fucking hate this job anyway you cunts.

[rustyrisque]

I stopped in the middle of traffic by the lights

The lights were green and blaring

many cars rushed past me, screaming obscenities and things I’d hope my mother would never hear.

I reached over to my glove box and opened it, letting the contents of this ugly fucking box spill out onto the musty car floor.

The beeping continued for a minute but turned into low humming. The brain is a funny tool.

My gun stares at me.

The sun flashing it’s light on its black exterior.

if inanimate objects could wink, I’d imagine it would look like this.

The low humming stops, I don’t feel or hearing anything.

I place my pretty fucking mouth around the barrel. I have steady hands, to call me trigger happy would be an insult.

I pull with might, stead fast and prepare my body.

It’s a funny thing the soul. The soul leaves your body approximately a 5th of the second you are about to die.

It means you can view the exact moment your physical body ceases to exist

The moment was surreal. I can’t express how strange it is to see yourself when you are out of yourself.

The cars still rushed by but the beeping ceased to happen, everyone saw my car windows explode with a blackish red gooey substance.

A few cars stopped, I saw a lady next to me on the highway freeze and scream cry.

I imagined I would of felt bad for her to witness it but my soul carried on and nodded to my physical body.

[rustyrisque]

What 23 meant to me

A release of some sort, some acid down the hatch

To burn what scum stuck

hands over my throat, a near death experience. My feet dangled for a brief second, I never want to see a view like that again.

How many times can a heart be broken? I’m starting to think I’ll never feel, what I had before.

What a rock let’s hit people with it, specifically that dickhead who tried to kill you.

How many times have I nearly died now? Quite a few, let’s try live, let’s get the fuck out of this place.

20 years gone, Not much good to remember beside the one or two friends I made that stuck.

What alcohol is this? Can I mix it with this random bag of drugs I got from timmingyak

Dog medicine is fun to snort, so are ants

Sobriety hey, I think I fucked my brain up

Straight and narrow now, using manifestation like I did drugs, good brain food now.

What 23 meant to me...

[rustyrisque]

‘Liquorice Sea’

I’ve never seen the ocean look so black and opaque, not even the sun with its glorious rays, can pierce the abyss.

My friends dare not go near it at night, but I do.

Ive come up with a theory.

If I stare long and hard enough into the blackness, perhaps I’ll find the answers I seek.

I stare into the water.

Acting like I know but, truthfully, I don’t.

Blame this ego, a custom to the human condition.

Husky-breeze like whispers fill my ear.

~AWAY WITH YOUR BELONGINGS, LEAVE THEM BY A ROCK FOR THE WORLD TO FIND~

I abide.

I’m staring into the water, nothing looking back.

Midnight creeps...

Finally I see gurgling and splattering begin to take place.

A slimey, decrepit version of myself jumps out, pulling me in.

An inward reflection begins, I am where I need to be.

left a mystery for someone else to solve, if they ever do.

I think it’s caught on camera. Hysteria will be their final conclusion.

I hadn’t left this world on bad terms, I paid my dues, kissed the air and made friends with the bees.

One could only hope a camera caught this.

caught the sudden pulling of my white shirt; the flight or fight response- where for a second I had fought...

Then will they question what happened? Will they find my earthly body submerged in a fishing net covered in seaweed?

It’s not up to me to question anymore...

I found what I was searching for and it found me.

[rustyrisque]

a rock and roll

A quick breath in and a quick exhale out,

I watch the rock I’ve painted propel into the air;

A crash!

Like heaven to my ears but an intrusion to another.

The shadows that stood tall, duck and bow after the fragments of their lies shatter;

Just a window they say?

A few seconds of silence...

contemplation of a rushed scenario breaks

A tall dark shadowed figure shoots up, clear sight now, trying to look for me...

I surrender into the night with a smile.

[rustyrisque]

They say they know me better, as if I don’t see my own reflection

They put me in a uniform and call me anything but self sufficient....

These government officials have smog for brains and heart.

The smog is cancerous and it’s reached billions, some more infected they even pushed for it and labelled it “the right way of living”

So where does that leave my people?

Shouting at buildings, while the smog men hide away-

Peeping through their little glass windows

While we steady our aim.

So smash these windows we must, for clearer views and air, watch these smog men tremble when we break even without a care.

A tale of inter-generational heartbreak and retribution.”- RustyRisque//