Meticulosity

Rich VΔllejo Home of my depression and laughter I'm a lost soul waiting to be found, but leaving no trace to be discovered. Instagram: RV019

[remanence-of-love]

[8nin]

the cool thing about this app is you’re never the craziest one here

[shelteringyourdna-deactivated20]

well look who it is. my old friend. the conses of my quences.

[shelteringyourdna-deactivated20]

do not 10k me stop that

[rv019]

I've found peace in the ugly and I never want to let it go. It's not necessarily bad, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find peace in the good.

Maybe it's because I see the beauty in the underdog and I truly believe that you don't need much to be happy.

Sometimes when it's all in front of me, I no longer see my appreciation.

[thoughtkick]

“Just be fucking honest about how you feel about people while you’re alive.”

— John Mayer

[rv019]

Hi guys,

I'm back lmaooooo

Depression be hittin; I be bloggin

[rv019]

Hi Tumblr,

Sorry I haven't been too active here. But to my loyal followers, you'll know I'm only on here when I'm at my saddest. So maybe it's good that I haven't been posting. Here's a quick little life update.

I've learned to accept nanay's death. I still miss her so so much and would do anything to hear her voice. But I know she wouldn't want me sad.

I got married to the love of my life. The wedding was fun and truly was the best time of my life. I can't wait to continue spending the rest of my life with her.

I'm trying to accept the sadness when it comes. Instead of falling down the bottomless hole of sadness, I've been trying to charge at it and just embrace the sadness. I've learned that once I do that, it quickly goes away.

I hope you're all doing well

Best wishes

[thehauntingsource]

What each Mike Flanagan horror series represents: The Haunting of Hill House (2018) The Haunting of Bly Manor (2020) Midnight Mass (2021) The Midnight Club (2022) The Fall of The House of Usher (2023)

[rv019]

I've been trying lately

I'm trying to take care of my body much more. Almost daily workouts, drinking more water, green juices, multivitamins, and even drinking less. I do wish I ate out less though. But I'm trying to get into the mindset of only eating out when I go out. So hopefully I can initiate that action.

Too many people are dying around me. I need to take care of myself and hopefully inspire the ones around me to do the same for themselves.

[rv019]

I'd like to think that my grandfather had to pass away in order for me to get the grandmother I truly loved. Everyone always says "Nanay was mean when she raised me. She was strict, mean, and wasn't afraid to discipline."

That wasn't the nanay that raised me. Growing up, she was always kind, loving, understanding, and grateful. She prayed so much that I feel like the death of her husband had so much to do with it. Just a couple months before my first birthday, he passed away. She came back from the Philippines with nothing but sadness. Yet she still accepted the challenge to help raise me. However she chose to do it differently with me compared to my brothers and cousins.

She chose to be kind and patient towards my childhood tantrums. She chose to love me during my time of need. She chose to understand when I felt lost.

Nanay, it's been so long since you've seen Bam and in some form, I feel like he gave me a side of you that not many people got to witness. Today, you lay with him. In the same tombstone that you buried him in. Today, I will give you back to him.

"Bam and nanay, together once again." -Auntie Belle

Hopefully the side that I helped develop is a side Bam loves. Because it was truly the side that I loved most about you nanay.

If there's heaven, I hope you're happy. Whether that's through praying for everyone you care for, jumbo crossword puzzles, or even just reading a sign that passes by.

I look at my knee and see the smile that you once drew; and I keep it as a reminder that you always wanted me to be happy. I'll always look at it and think about how happy you made me.

I love you Amada Julia.

[9710144]

[rv019]

I’ll do this for you.

I’ll set time aside everyday for you Nanay

If I succeed, I’ll know it’s because of you. If I fail, I’ll “continue on.” Just as you always told me. You prayed so much for my success in life that I feel like I owe it to you.

I miss and love you much.

[rv019]

Fraudulent

Lately, it has been feeling a little too relevant.

Maybe it’s because of the pressure? Maybe it’s because I truly didn’t deserve to advance?

I’m not sure. I just hope I can eventually feel ready

[rv019]

I feel like I'm working hard.

I just hope that if I do fail again, I don't fall into an abyss. I feel like I've learned so much and I put so much time and effort into it.

[rv019]

Conversations we were supposed to have

You would've told me how you are now sleeping in my old bed. From what I've heard, you slept so well on it. You would have said something along the lines of "your old bed is very good." You would've been the last person to tell me that I was getting a new bed and the delivery person was coming tomorrow.

I would've told you my plans for that weekend and how I was going to look at wedding venues. I would've shown you all the pictures I took and you would've smiled and laughed.

But these are conversations that never happened because you died the day before I was supposed to be there.

I miss you so much nanay. You were the reason why I choose to be kind to others.

Am I sad that you're gone? Absolutely.

But it's the future events that I know you'll never be there for is what hurts me the most. You won't be at my wedding, the birth of my daughter who is going to be named after you, and so much more.

It's the conversations that I know we'll never have. I try to fill in what I think you would say and do, but I'll never know for sure.

[rv019]

I'm a fraud.

I shouldn't have been where I am. As much as I want to enjoy being with them, I simply cannot for more than a few minutes. It's not that I'm jealous of them or that I envy them, but man. It was supposed to be all of us. Yet I'm the one that's severely left behind.

I'm beyond proud of all their accomplishments. They deserve everything going their way. They worked hard and did everything they could to get to where they are.

Maybe one day I can look at them without feeling sad.

[excitementshewrote]