feel free to change any pronouns, etc. || may contain some nsfw!
“It’s amazing how quickly things can go from bad to total shit storm.”
“Why am I alive when everyone around me has turned into meat?”
“Rule number one for surviving Zombieland: Cardio.”
“Don’t let them catch you with your pants down.”
“Fasten your seat belts – it’s gonna be a bumpy ride!”
“I may seem like an unlikely survivor with all of my phobias and irritable-bowel syndrome, but I had the advantage of never having any friends or close family.”
“I survive because I play it safe and follow the rules.”
“I avoided other people like they were zombies even before they were zombies.”
“Now that they are all zombies, I kinda miss people.”
“No names; keeps us from getting too familiar.”
“So, _____, you wanna stick together? ‘Least for a little while?”
“I’m not easy to get along with, and I’m sensing you’re a bit of a bitch, so, uh…so, I give this relationship to about Texarkana.”
“You’re a peppy little spit-fuck, aren’t you?”
“You might wanna buckle up, y’know, for, uh, safety.”
“I can tell already you are gonna get on my nerves.”
“Well, take a look – it’s a goddamn Hostess truck.”
“Are you fucking with me?”
“Where’s the fuckin’ Twinkies?!”
“I hate coconut – not the taste, the consistency.”
“Hey, this may be a bad time, but I gotta take the Browns to the Super Bowl.”
“I have a case of chronic anxiety.”
“My whole life, all I’d ever wanted was to find a girl, and fall in love, bring her back to meet the folks…”
“I’m here for you, okay?”
“Do you mind if I just close my eyes for a minute?”
“Oh my god, I am so fucking sorry!”
“The first time I let a girl into my life and she tries to eat me.”
“You’re like a penguin on the North Pole who hears the South Pole is really nice this time of year.”
“You wanna feel how hard I can punch?”
“You’re gonna risk our lives for a Twinkie?”
“Believe it or not, Twinkies have an expiration date.”
“Someday very soon, life’s little Twinkie gage is gonna go empty.”
“Time to nut up or shut up.”
“You got a pretty mouth.”
“Someone’s ear is in danger of having hair brushed over it.”
“Rule number twenty-two: When in doubt, know your way out.”
“Try not to freak her out.”
“So you did all this for a Twinkie?”
“Don’t talk about me like I’m not here.”
“Are you one of these guys that tries to one-up everybody else’s story?”
“I never had headaches like this until your ass came on board.”
“Is it better to be smart or lucky?”
“Thank god for rednecks!”
“Gotta enjoy the little things.”
“You’re not gonna shoot them, are you?”
“Just drive slow and keep your eyes peeled.”
“How about we play the quiet game?”
“I hope you find whoever it is you’re looking for.”
“You don’t know who Willie Nelson is?”
“She’s only famous when she’s Hannah Montana – when she’s wearing the wig.”
“You’re about to learn who you gonna call… it’s ghostbusters.”
“Is that how you say ‘hello’ where you come from?”
“I haven’t cried like that since Titanic.”
“Don’t make me drink alone.”
“I don’t even know your name, but this is actually really nice.”
“You know, between me and you and ‘What About Bob’ – you’re actually pretty cute.”
“I mean, you got the guts of a guppy, but I could hit that.”
“Hey, a little help moving the couch?”
“Yeah, that’s probably for the best.”
“You are like a giant cock-blocking robot, like, developed in a secret fucking government lab.”
“I can’t believe I almost kissed him.”
“Trust no one, just you and me.”
“This is the problem with getting attached to someone: when they leave you, you just feel lost.”
“Hey, you weren’t exactly gonna score, anyway.”
“Look, you ever read that book, ‘She’s Just Not That Into You’?”
“You can’t make yourself too available.”
“I’m not great at farewells, so… ‘That’ll do, Pig’.”
“That’s the worst goodbye I’ve ever heard, and you stole it from a movie.”
“Not as fun as I remember…”
“My mama always told me someday I’d be good at something. Who’d of guessed that something would be zombie killing?”
“We better start working on our apology.”
“Some rules are made to be broken.”
“Not bad for that scrawny little spit-fuck.”
“Without other people, well, you might as well be a zombie.”
