kinda there but not quite

❝[...] dance like no one is watching. love like you have never been hurt before. go to work like you don't need the money.❞

[ryderpce]

I met all of you less than a week ago but I still feel like I need to buy you Christmas presents. The thing is, I'm terrible with gifts, but I will feel bad if I don't buy anything. Any suggestions?

[inday-music]

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[ryderpce]

BLINDING // FLORENCE + THE MACHINE

[crossfirc-deactivated20180311]

Does anybody know Dutch? Someone offered some food to me and I kind of scurried off and now I feel really rude.

[ryderpce]

Maybe they speak a little bit of English? We do need to learn a little bit of Dutch, though. It'll come in handy sometime.

[little-courtney-deactivated2013]

Are you saying I’m big? Is this your way of telling me I look fat? 

[laughs] Nah, I’m totally kidding, don’t worry. I just hope it’ll fit and that all of the needles won’t fall off. No, nope there’s no way they are taking my beautiful tree away, it’s the best I ever bought and I need a little christmas spirit in my room. 

[ryderpce]

Oh my god, no, I-- no, I didn't... I d-didn't mean it like that I--

Oh, fuck. You really got me there! You're not fat, though... I mean, nowhere near fat. And even if the needles start falling off, hopefully the cleaning lady won't notice. Wait, how are you going to have christmas spirit in your room if the tree is in Jude's room?

[little-courtney-deactivated2013]

I wouldn’t excatly consider it mini… It may or may not be taller than me. Although I do have the hiding place already figured out - Jude said that I can hide it in his closet because he keeps his clothes in his drawers. 

[ryderpce]

Really? That's definitely not a mini tree, then. That's a good hiding place, actually. But I mean, what d'you reckon they'd do if they found it? Worst case scenario, they take it away and put it up in the lobby instead. 

[little-courtney-deactivated2013]

I may or may not have just bought a Christmas tree. Are they even allowed in the hotel? 

[little-courtney-deactivated2013]

[ryderpce]

Probably not-- I mean, unless it is like a mini tree. You can still sneak it in though, I'm sure.

[hey-jude-d]

Then it’s official. We are the Broinators. 

[ryderpce]

And we are the most epic adventurers in the whole world. I'm quite excited, Jude.

[natecallaghan]

Still, it’s awesome that you’re willing to hang out with a total stranger for a day just ‘cause. Even if you are getting clothes at the same time. I’m definitely your friend, Ry. You can count on it. Well, yes, those are important qualities to have and I’m pretty sure I’ve got ‘em too, so as far as I can tell - we’re all set. You seem to be pretty awesome with those things, from what I can tell so far. 

So, we’ll spend the day together tomorrow, yeah? Just hangin’ out.

[ryderpce]

I don't think I'd consider you a stranger after the barely heart-to-heart we just had, dude. It's just us hanging out to get clothes anyway, it's no big deal. Yeah, we're all set. 

It'll be December and the shops will be crowded as fuck, but it'll be fun. So, why the hell not?

[weeklytune]

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[ryderpce]

I LIVED // ONEREPUBLIC

[natecallaghan]

Awesome! Seriously, thank you a bunch. Well, you’re gonna have to get used to it then, huh? ‘Cause you’ve made yourself a friend and I’m kind of stubborn, so. You’ll never get rid of me now. It’s a wonderful program, just… having done it now - I totally understand why it’s been as successful as it has - it really helps. You are most definitely one of my new friends, Ry. Without a doubt. You’re a good guy, I like talking to you, sounds like everything a friend should be. Don’t’cha think?

[ryderpce]

I've told you, it's no issue! Plus, I'll get something out of it too, so we both win. Well, I've never really had any real friends before the whole pen pal thing or even now, so I don't mind stubbornness as long as you're my friend. Bless IWA and their fucking pen pal program for they have made my life a whole lot better, and I am thankful. Without a doubt, you are most definitely one of my new friends too. I would think a good sense of humour and confidentiality are a bit influential in a friendship too, but lucky for you, I consider myself good in all of those.

[natecallaghan]

I would consider you an absolute lifesaver if you’d go clothes shopping with me. I mean, I know how to dress myself - I just need warmer stuff. I’m okay with either, I actually really like hugs. It certainly put a dent in mine for a while but I don’t worry so much about it anymore, it wasn’t really until this whole pen pal thing that I got it under control though, so I definitely appreciate this program more than I can really say. Thanks, Ry. Yeah, I’d say that sounds about right. I mean, everyone’s got different problems but we can all find common ground somehow. That’s probably gonna be one of the cool things about this thing - I’m probably gonna leave here with way more friends than I came here with.

[ryderpce]

Well, consider me one already, because I'll go. I mean, it'll be like killing two birds with one shot. I get to hang out with a friend which is something that I rarely ever did in Leeds, and I'll get warm clothes out of it, too. Rather effective, if you ask me. When these IWA people first introduced me to the pen pal idea I thought it would be the stupidest freaking thing in the whole world, and I have no idea why I gave it a go, but it's one of the best decisions I've ever made. I feel the same. No problem, Caleb. Hopefully I'll be considered as one of the new friends, because I could use some friends for a change, too.

[natecallaghan]

Oh, the cold’s not too terrible - I definitely need to buy better clothes though, ‘cause the one’s I’ve got aren’t keeping me as warm as they could be. Maybe you can help me out with that? Yeah, it is, in a way. It mostly makes me want to hug everyone. Depression, mhm. That and alcohol abuse, but I’ve slowly been getting better with it. Yikes, that sounds rough, man. I’m glad you’re doing better, truly. I think that’s another good thing about being here, everyone’s got their own issues but not a single person here would judge anyone for whatever they’ve got going on. It’s… definitely a change from being at home - and not a bad one. 

[ryderpce]

Actually, I could help. I need to find warmer clothes myself, I didn't think Amsterdam would be this cold so I just brought some of the pieces I had back home, which wasn't that much. I agree, although I don't know what would be better-- a big group hug, or just hugging every single person individually? Bloody alcohol, ruining everyone's lives and shit. Same with you, though! I'm proud of you. Believe me, I couldn't judge anyone or their stories even if I wanted to, 'cause I believe that no matter what anyone's done, we all kind of ended up the same, and recovered the same. We've all been in a similar place at some point, don't you think?

[natecallaghan]

That’s true, that’s true. You could write the greatest poems the world has ever seen or something. Ah, fair enough. I’m from California, so the weather’s a little far removed from anything I’ve had to handle before. What d’you mean? Oh, you’re wondering what’s uh… the issue or issues I’m dealin’ with that got me into this program? I don’t mind you asking, no. My dad passed away when I was uh… fifteen, and I was diagnosed with depression. Every day I get through is a little victory, and this program has made things… just a hell of a lot better for me. If that’s what you meant. What about you?

[ryderpce]

Exactly. I will try to at least write something good when I know it's time. So how're you handling the cold? Yeah, that. It's kind of interesting, getting to know why everyone's here. Depression, huh? That's... that's rough. My dad kinda disappeared, too, except that he left my family instead of dying. But that's not the point. When I was about seventeen, I decided it was a good idea to get myself into drugs and alcohol. Needless to say, it wasn't. Apparently I was an angry drunk, and then as I started to get much deeper into that, I didn't even need alcohol to just punch the shit out of someone or break everything in a room. Then more drugs were added to the bunch and it wasn't pretty. So, basically, drug issues and anger management issues. Most of it is gone now, though.

[natecallaghan]

You never know what they’ll be, do you? They could be the most profound things you’ve ever thought, or they could be - “Oh look, it’s snowing.” or something to that effect. Well, you could definitely do that too. I feel like you could get really deep if you wanted to, so maybe you won’t have to fool anyone. I love it here. I’d never been outside the States before this, so it’s really cool to get to be here - I’ve always wanted to visit Europe, just never had the means. That and the people are nice, the city is beautiful. Public transport’s a bit of a bitch, but I’m adjusting to that too, so there isn’t really anything for me to complain about. 

[ryderpce]

I shall write about snow, then. But I mean, it's gonna be my deathbed. Sure enough some deep shit about my life will arise from all the normal shit my mind's usually flooded with. I don't feel that much different because it's literally exactly like Leeds, except maybe a little bit colder and rainier. Which is nice, in a way, because it's still different from home. How... how did you get here anyway, Caleb? If you don't mind me asking, that is.

[natecallaghan]

No, that does sound nice. Unless you got you got your last thoughts out on paper and they don’t make any sense at all. I think that would make it not quite so nice. I do, yeah. Sometimes I just read books about things I don’t already know, or Google things until I have a grasp on them - I dunno, learning things helps me relax sometimes, if I get keyed up, so it’s nice. My pen pal’s awesome too, so I know what’cha mean. This program is pretty nifty, just the same. Are you enjoying it here? In Amsterdam, I mean. 

[ryderpce]

Surely my last thoughts won't be "My head hurts like shit right now," or "I wish I had had a banana today instead of an apple," because then I wouldn't write about it. I would try to get the banana off my head and write something nicer about the way I lived that might motivate people and fool them into believing I used to be really deep. I like doing that, too. It's quite entertaining to just absorb things into my mind, kind of like a sponge. You could say so, yeah. I quite like it, and it's different from home yet familiar all the same, it's nice. And the people I've met are pretty nice, too. What about you?

[natecallaghan]

I didn’t know that. I did know that the Japanese definitely like to write poetry, I took a class on it once - ancient Japan, I mean. They wrote poems all the damn time, well - if they were in the Imperial Court. And that is just a sample of the random things I’ve got stored in my noggin. You’ve got a point, yeah. I mean, most of us could be doing a lot better, y’know? Meeting our pen pals, who’ve presumably helped us a lot, is supposed to be an awesome thing. Put us in a good mood, or what have you. Thanks, man, I appreciate it. It’s no trouble. 

[ryderpce]

Me either, but they do. I'd like to know what they write, though. Like, sort of putting your last thoughts on paper sounds pretty nice. Ignoring all the morbid sense of the action, it's quite an interesting tradition. So you just stuff random facts about random things in your brain, too? Meeting my pen pal was nice, though. Mind you, it's actually managed to put me in a good mood. She's wonderful. It's kind of wonderful in general actually, considering what most of us've been through. 

[natecallaghan]

That is a bit silly, but it’s fun! At least, for me, learning things I didn’t already know that most people wouldn’t even care to know - I think random stuff is super cool. I get you, yeah. I mean, everyone’s here for some reason or another - maybe we’re all just sort of well adjusted, I dunno. How so, what? Why is it cool to meet you? You seem like a cool dude and I’m finding it easy to talk to you, which doesn’t happen for me some of the time - so you’re cool.

[ryderpce]

I agree. Did you know that there is a Japanese tradition where people write poems while laying on their deathbed? I think that's quite interesting, though I've never read any deathbed Japanese poems, now that I think about it. I mean, most of us are here to forget about those things, right? With the letters and the penpals and stuff, I'm pretty sure all of us will be doing just alright on this trip. Hey, you're cool too. That actually made me feel a lot better about myself, though. Thanks for that.