A Heart in the Darkness

Ry, 23, nonbinary, queer ah - writing, yearning, anxiety, thoughts

[ryskyourheart]

Remember, if anyone says something you don’t like, you are free to block them. But also if you cut someone off in an extreme manner, don’t be surprised if they try to reach out for answers!

Especially if you call someone awful things! It’s natural to be angry and offended when people lie about you, and you will obviously want to defend yourself. That’s not wrong. What you do with that anger and such is what matters. So be smart about it.

Love, someone who didn’t sleep because they were doomscrolling a toxic person’s posts for any glimpse of an explanation. They don’t technically owe me one but it would be polite, so I got my hopes up.

[ryskyourheart]

Just posting a screen recording of a video where the link I had for originally is to a deleted post. Sorry to original poster or recorder, but this is the best I can do right now. I need a way to share it that isn’t in person lol

[ryskyourheart]

Hiraeth No More

——————————————

I never thought that someone who became one of the best friends I’ve ever had

Would so quickly become someone I wish I’d never met.

I don’t regret the time we shared. Or I didn’t think I did. But I start to regret it more and more each time.

I don’t know what you think I did. If it’s something that I don’t even know about. But clearly there’s something terrible if you claim you can ruin my whole reputation.

Ha. Not that I have much of one.

I can’t decide if I’d rather go back to the good times, and just enjoy them deeper and make sure I change my actions in the bad parts and at the end. Or if I’d prefer to just forget it all ever happened.

You would say I should pick the second one because the first one isn’t possible. And that I need to move on.

But I don’t think you ever considered that neither are possible for me. They’re both just fantasies. So why not dream?

I always thought I’d never had a nightmare. But if I’m not careful, you will be one.

How I wish you were just a dream. Not a bad dream. Just a good one that turned weird and bad in the end.

I don’t have anything to be afraid of. But I still am. That’s anxiety, after all.

I was so afraid of hurting you and then I guess I still did. I messed up. I wish I hadn’t. I was so careful. I guess we were never right anyway.

Hope you have the life you deserve, baby.

[emotionalwords]

i’m such a “i want your attention” but “won’t bother you” kinda person

[ryskyourheart]

Is it bad?

If I’m sad?

If I don’t know how I hurt you?

Why can’t I admit I’m wrong?

For not wanting to desert you?

Can I heal?

Can I deal?

Can I get that splinter of broken iron out of my heart and my lungs and head and

I

Don’t want

To feel

Like this anymore

And I just

Want to be happy with what I have

I’m happier than I’ve ever been

But still I can’t quite get past

Everything that has gone missing here

I feel the hole in my life

But I guess what I’m trying to say

Is I’m here.

I’m not going anywhere.

I’m not gonna keep chasing after you

Cause I see how weird it is and I’m through

But I’ll be here

Waiting for your call.

Not sitting by the phone

But I’ll still pick it up if I know it’s you.

I won’t be crazy about it,

I just want you to know

That I’m here.

I won’t chase you again

But I won’t chase you away

I’m ready whenever you are, my friend.

[ryskyourheart]

It’s past my own, and getting close to yours. I’ve just remembered this, and it hurt me to realize.

I saw your note again and saw that it said ‘friend.’ I know at the time it was for secrets and safety, but I can’t help but wonder.

I never thought I would be the villain in anyone’s story but my own. But now I’m scared that I’ve been yours. Maybe I should just disappear.

I don’t know how I’ll make it another year. I didn’t even make it a few months before ruining it all.

When our hearts are tied together, you cannot just cut the string and expect me not to fall. But I suppose I can’t try to hold onto the fraying ends either.

It’s always September. It’s always the beginning of autumn. Maybe that’s why they call it fall.

[ryskyourheart]

I never knew I could feel so wrong for doing nothing, but here I am, broken and empty because of… what? My low self worth? The stupid fear that my existence makes me bad or wrong? The arrogant and self-centered notion that these little problems are worth all the agonizing?

I don’t know. But I don’t have anyone to truly talk to about it, except myself, at that’s not healthy. I can’t talk myself down from the ledge if I don’t put myself up there, but I also can’t mend the tears that I’m constantly yanking apart. It’s self sabotage, to try and build myself up.

I need someone else, but there is no one.

Nobody that I trust who I want to talk to, and nobody that I want to talk to who still trusts me.

I miss the ones I could pour my heart out to, but that’s selfish. I miss them anyway.

Oh well. Maybe they’ll miss me someday too. I know some of them already do, or I expect so. Just not the ones I wish did the most.

Please don’t cry, it’s going to be okay. Just hold on. It’ll all be over soon.

Until the next one comes around, and ruins the progress, the waves sweeping it all away.

But maybe there’s a reason not to build so close to the shore.

[ryskyourheart]

When feeling loved is about more than waiting for someone to come along and pick you up,

But about being able to pick yourself up too, dust off the pain, and keeping working for you,

It feels like it's all for nothing.

I don't know if I can ever love me, so I think that means I can never truly be loved. Or at least I'll never truly be ready for it, as much as I feel like I want it.

Maybe someone still wants to fix someone broken, but nobody deserves to have to do that.

You say 'i can fix them' but honey, that's never been your job. Let yourself be happy and live a life full of joy and laughter and wonder.

They can fix themselves. Maybe.

And if they can't, then it will be okay, because not everyone needs to be fixed.

It hurts so bad, but I will try to heal. I don't think I'm someone who can be fixed, but that's just because my breaks are more like little cracks and chips.

I am full of the small imperfections that you ignore; the nick in the spoon from getting stuck in the disposal, the crack in the bowl from where it fell not far enough to break, the piece missing from the outside of the cup that is too thick to affect the quality.

Some of these things show my resilience, but some of them are just the straws building up until they finally break the back of my camel.

I don't always know what each of them are, but I know I live in fear of the day that the crack gives way, and the slow leak you can wipe away becomes a spill, a drain, and you have to throw the whole thing away.

Maybe I need some kintsugi, but maybe the glaze is cracked and I'm already gone, I just don't know it yet.

I'm just a bleeding cup, a day-old rice container, soup that's sat out all night and gained a skin. It's already ruined. It can't be saved.

I can't be saved.

I can't be loved.

Especially by me.

[ruhlare]

okay but saying “i wish i had known you sooner” — like the love in my heart is growing so big and fast for you that i wish i had the opportunity to have you way earlier by my side, because i want to love you longer than i can do now. my love for you reaches my past and makes a place for you.

[ruhlare]

[ryskyourheart]

Do you want it?

Do you want me? I’m not sure

But if you don’t, then what?

Do you want the gifts back?

I can give you your heart back,

But you still have mine,

So is it only fair, then,

For me to keep what you gave me?

I don’t know what I’m meant to do.

I can give it all back if you want,

But is that weirder than keeping it?

I never want to hurt you,

But I fear I already have.

I didn’t try to,

And I didn’t think I did anything wrong,

But here we are, aching

Or maybe it’s just me.

I’m trying.

Trying not to keep myself warm,

Only to leave others out in the cold.

I want to let you in, you can stay.

We can sit in separate rooms,

Hardly talking at all.

But I still want you to be warm.

I could never be so cruel,

Could never leave you alone for good.

I’ll take some time, and a deep breath.

I’ll let the air cycle a few times,

And when I think I’m ready, I’ll talk.

I’ll talk with you again, carefully.

Gently.

When I’ll be ready, I don’t know.

But whenever it may be,

I just hope you’ll be ready too.

I’m not ready to lose you.

I don’t want to let go of your string,

And watch you float off into the sky.

I’m sending roots down for now,

But I’ll grow where I am,

And let the seeds blow away to you,

Floating on the breeze when I’ve grown.

And if your soil has healed,

Maybe it will let me rest there,

Even for a little while.

I don’t need to plant myself in you,

But I still want some part of you,

And for you to have some part of me.

I want us both to be okay,

Even if that means being alone.

I’m sorry that I broke it,

But I’ll only mend it when you ask.

I’ll let you be, for now.

I’ll come back when you call me,

And I’ll wait in the wings for now.

I have to lick my own wounds anyhow,

So don’t worry about anything,

Except your own healing process.

I hope you’re happy, and well.

I may never hold your hand,

But I don’t need to,

When I need my hands free.

I need them to hold myself together.

I need them to hide my face.

I need my hands to clean my scars.

And to hold my hair out of my face.

I need them open for someone else.

Someday.

For now, I still love you.

I’m just hurt, and I worry you are too.

Can we ever be okay?

I hope it can be fixed.

I miss you.

[ryskyourheart]

I can’t do this alone

But I’m already standing here alone

So I think I just can’t do this

[ryskyourheart]

Her eyes sparkled in the sunlight like the tungsten night light. Filament glowing and flickering just right. Understanding nothing and misconstruing everything, I couldn’t even tell if I could breathe.

If my heart could split a little more I’d fit a coin into its slot. Put a penny in each time I want my body to drop. Heart rate heartbreak heart on my sleeve and caught in my throat. Nothing to catch me but maybe I’ll float.

Give her your kisses and teeth on her neck. She wants to bleed out and soon. Tear out her jugular, let it all drain, then hold her like the little spoon. Fingernail marks clawed 'cross her back and pouring out tears as pus runs from her eyes. She screams out 'I love you' one final time then the skin splits open wide.

The wings sprout from her back and she moans out in pain as each feather breaks through, grows out from her veins, made of her blood and her tears somehow. You reach a hand in and yank the rest out.

Break me, hate me, tell me you despise me. Anything else than this wondering life. I'd rather sit around with my soul crushed, than watch my heart sit on a shelf collecting dust. Fill me up and throw me down, and bruise me with your fists. I don't want to die, I just want to take a few more risks.

Put my heart on the line, tightrope, the high voltage wire. Electrocute me into some sense so I don't throw myself into lava and catch on fire. I'll scream my voice raw if you don't come back to help her. I'll send you to hell with my words. And this knife. Now beg for your life. Your body will bring more life to the forest for the birds.

But then the birds will grow strong and peck out my eyes. I'll deserve it. I took her from you anyway. I know more about this.

You want the answers and I know your questions. I could tell you anything if you just take a breath and, look and me deeper. Tell me your lies. I see what you can't. I hope you realize, that now, everything is gone. It's all left to the static and the blur and the buzz. But I'll still answer one question.

Her name was-

**^*#*~+^^**~•^~•#^^••*~*

[ryskyourheart]

When all of this is over, I’ll find you

I’ll knock on your door, with a smile on my face and a gift in my hands

Then you’ll be in my arms and my eyes

I need you so much

My heart hurts and I feel empty

I will fill the void with your love

My beautiful love, the dawn of my day

We will be together someday

I’m trying my best to not fall apart without you here

But I feel so bad for all that I want

You say it’s alright but I still worry that it hurts you to know all this

I can heal your wounds, but only if I can see them and soothe them

I can only wrap a bandage around them in person.

I can only kiss the cuts in spirit now, but someday I will kiss them for real.

I love you deeply and I miss you dearly.

We will be together soon. Just a little longer now.

Hold on to your hope. I’m coming home soon.

Please wait for me, don’t give up on me.

[ryskyourheart]

The pain I feel in my body is nothing when compared to the pain of longing for you. I ache for your love. I cry out for your touch. I miss you every minute you are not with me.

[ryskyourheart]

Can you feel it? The heat and the rush from standing so close to the fire? I think I’m way too close, but I want to feel it more.

It’s not bad, is it? I’m not hooked in yet. It’s all just a dream until I make it real. Nothing’s gonna change unless I say it can, so why be afraid?

I’m strong, and I can do whatever I wish. Whatever I please.

I’m okay.

The fire may be creeping closer, but I’m not chained in place. If it gets too close, I can just back up. I can put it out.

I won’t burn up.

[ryskyourheart]

You are my •••••. I love you more than ••• loves ••• ••••••••. I love you to •••• •••••• and •••• ••••, even if it’s a bit extreme or morbid. You are a ••••• to me and I don’t know how you love someone so •••••• as myself. My dear, I’ll ••••••• you until •• •••• ••••••• ••••. If you’re •• ••••• then I’m • •••••, clearly. I’m a •••••• who’ll never be a •••••, no matter how people see me, or how much they assume that I’m ••••••• ••• and will forever be. They’re wrong, and I worry that we were wrong too for trying to love. I fear that I’m incapable of doing this, and that I’m too •••• and •••••• of a •••• to find the right path and •••• •••• ••• ••••• with you. I’m sorry my dear.

[ryskyourheart]

Shaking, shivering, I am wishing for you, waiting for your arms to hold me tight and bring me warmth.

It's so cold here inside and out, and I am only soothed by the soft fabric, wanting to share it with you.

Ice outside and a whooshing wind scaring me. I lose my sleep. I lose so much. I lose myself.

Someone loves me, but they're far away. I sniffle and swallow down my fear, knowing you'll be there soon. But I ache.

Pain shoots through my shoulder and I have to adjust. My posture is bad but I like being curled up. Seeking comfort, I only am sore for now.

Someday it will be alright; I'll be warm, you will shield me from the sheets of ice and clouds of snow. If I get scared you will only need to gently shush me, and I'll remember where I am.

Soon, but not yet. Not now. Not today. I wish it could be today. But the wait gives me time to grow. And maybe I can learn how to be strong, so I can sooth your aches and quell your shivers too.

Next to me, there is nobody there. I pull the blanket tighter around myself, like a shell I can't let go of.

Still shaking.