.

[s3ll3y]

keep a smile on your face

This place has never been colder than this before. I was so excited before I got there. I really prepared myself by picking a cool outfit, getting enough sleep, reminding myself to engage in conversation more than I had in the previous few days, and to keep a smile on my face.

We entered the room, and it was all dark. All the lights and all the other electrical devices were turned off. This is very different from what we typically see when entering that room: full of people chatting or doing something. I thought we arrived really early, but no, it's already 8:00 in the morning, the exact time when we're supposed to start.

I forgot that they told us that this was their last week here.

Okay.

But I saw his name in the log book. He claimed that despite having just recently finished his days, he had continued to come here. Perhaps he's already here. However, several hours have passed and still none of them have shown up.

Even him, the very first person here that befriended me.

After realizing he's not actually here, an unexplainable sadness has settled upon me. I am so tired of this. Why does it always happen to me, finding new people with whom I connect, only to be let down when they leave right away?  I just want to have a good connection with other people that I could vibe well. Why won't life give me that?

Despite my sadness, I still kept a smile on my face, just as I told myself.

[s3ll3y]

short rant

the duality of some people who made me feel alone, at some point, to stick with me now because it's beneficial to them.

[s3ll3y]

Comfortable vs. Happy

What would you choose, something that makes you comfortable or something that makes you happy? You can choose something that is uncomfortable yet happy, and you'll be comfortable with it eventually. You can choose something that makes you comfortable yet unhappy, and you'll still be unhappy in the long run. Don't waste your time sticking with people and things that are just comfortable to be with. Get out of your bubble and the happiness/fulfillment will just follow.

[s3ll3y]

I can easily tell if someone genuinely cares or not. It feels really good if someone makes an effort just to understand you. On the other hand, it is laughable when you can actually tell if someone just pretends that they care so in return, you'll pretend to be grateful, too.

[s3ll3y]

oh the things i'd do to experience something like this...

[s3ll3y]

[s3ll3y]

impostor of the impostor syndrome

if there's an impostor syndrome, there's also 'impostor of the impostor syndrome,' where you feel like an impostor of those people who experience impostor syndrome themselves.

[s3ll3y]

I need this.

[s3ll3y]

Abba

When I was a child, I used to sing "Dancing Queen" at the karaoke every chance that I get. This was my favorite song which I learned from my mother, from hearing her sing that song when we had a karaoke at home.

You can dance, you can jive Having the time of your life See that girl, watch that scene Digging the dancing queen

I actually had the time of my life during those times. It's as if I'm the Queen, who just dances, or in my case, sings to it, and never cared what other people think of me. These days, hearing that song makes me tear up because all I can remember was my mom, and all the simple times when she was still here... when my life still makes sense. Another song by Abba, "Chiquitita" is also a song I often hear a lot sang by the people at the karaoke. Just this night, I was so down, and I kind of missing my mom and all the good times. That song randomly played in my head. I played Chiquitita, it was a very comforting song. When I actually listened to the lyrics, it was like my mom talking to me, how she sees that i am sad and that she hates seeing me like this. Chiquitita, tell me what's wrong You're enchained by your own sorrow In your eyes there is no hope for tomorrow How I hate to see you like this There is no way you can deny it I can see that you're oh so sad, so quiet Apparently, "Chiquitita" is a Spanish phrase which means "very little girl", it's as if she's talking to the child inside me who's still heartbroken from losing her, who still longs for her and is a shadow of her former self, and very unsure of her future.

Chiquitita, you and I know How the heartaches come and they go and the scars they're leaving You'll be dancing once again and the pain will end You will have no time for grieving How can I not see this as how my mom would talk to me if she had a chance to talk to me right now? It's like she is certain that things are going to be okay soon. That I should move on from the pain of missing her and I will be dancing again, and I will soon bloom in my own way, and at the right time... Try once more like you did before Sing a new song, Chiquitita...