i try to look forward to the future if only in hours (waiting to get home from work) and days (waiting for my next day off) because i want to hope that it will be better, i want to imagine that there's respite or relief in the abstract of "later" or "tomorrow" but the frustrating reality is that whether i go out and try to enjoy myself or stay home and try to rest no matter how diligently i strive for peace or recreation no matter how badly they say they miss me or cant wait for me to be home im still stuck with myself and my hangups and warped perception. i still cant break myself out and i still dont succeed no matter how hard i try. i dont know what more i could possibly want or why im never content with what im doing or what i have. i dont know why it always feels like something is deeply, dreadfully wrong, why i feel like ive broken something unfixable. maybe its just because underneath the time we all spend together i know that nobody is happy. maybe im wrong and projecting. maybe im just deeply broken, paranoid, and delusional. maybe its some combination thereof, or if im just confused because i can only remember a handful of hours at a time and anyone who isnt an amnesiac could piece together my reality with little effort.